Country Wishes

by RaeAnne Hadley

  The sound of her quiet, controlled laugh sobered him. It bothered him that their once easy rapport, now felt like such an effort. They’d been too close for such a struggle. But that was his fault, not hers. “I had something on the plane,” he lied. “Bob’s would be great.”

  As she drove, he stared at her, refusing to blink. Needing a glimmer of what they once shared. And couldn’t think of one damn thing to say.

  They’d barely made it to the highway before Jake was sound asleep.

  Two-and-half-hours later Carrie pulled into Bob’s Atomic Burgers. The best burger joint ever. And the local high school hangout.

  How many meals had they shared here? After football and baseball practice and games, after the movies, and any time they met with friends.

  The second he opened the door, the smell he’d dreamed of the whole time he was away, flooded him. His mouth watered.

  They took a seat in their old booth. It felt so right, being here with her.

  Carrie ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and vanilla milkshake, with Thousand Island dressing on the side for her fries.

  Jake ordered a bacon-double cheeseburger, onion rings, and a large coke.

  Their conversation bordered on excruciating. When had they become so distant? It made him feel inept in so many ways.

  Carrie only smiled when their food was delivered. Ignoring him, as she dove into her meal.

  A blissful expression flitted across her face as she slipped another bite into her mouth. She’d always appreciated a good meal. The tip of her tongue picked up a dab of the ketchup on the corner of her mouth. She dipped a fry and took a bite and sighed. “I forgot how good this place was. Haven’t been here in years.”

  His eyes drifted along the collar at her throat and down to the swell of her breasts. For someone so small, her figure was perfect. Pert breasts rose and fell with each breath. How had he forgotten so many details about her?

  When they were done, Jake left money for the tab, then escorted Carrie back to her car for the last leg of his trip.

  Almost home.

  Carrie pulled up in front of his parent’s house.

  With the sun behind the mountains, daylight was rapidly failing. The porch light was on and the front walk was lined with outdoor lighting. That was new. He gripped the wooden rail, swearing at the five steps he’d have to tackle. His leg was on fire. All he wanted was to go to his room, remove his prosthetic, and go to bed. He was beyond exhausted.

  Standing on the welcome mat, he sucked in a breath and reached for the doorknob.

  “Are you ready?” Carrie put her hand over his.

  Jake stared down at her small hand on his and nodded, accepting her consolation for what it was. Maybe she did understand. He turned the knob and pushed open the door. He entered his parent’s house, the place he’d grown up, and came to a jerky standstill, wobbling on shaky legs.

  The air was thick with tension.

  “Surprise!”

  Every person he knew was packed into the entryway to welcome him home.

  A cloud of humidity from their closeness hovered over them. Dark clouds swirled in his head. The crowd brought out his claustrophobia. He took a short, labored breath, backing into the door. His chest heaved. His heart palpitating out of control. Jake despised the way his body betrayed him.

  He didn’t know what to do, so he did the only thing he could think of. Jake turned and beat a herky-jerky retreat, leaving the house like he’d just discovered a bomb, and time was about to run out.

  “Wait, Jake!” Carrie rushed to his side, putting her arm around him as they descended the steps. “Where are you going?”

  He pulled her to his side, appreciating her reaction and understanding about his abrupt departure. She’d always been the most perceptive and considerate person he knew. Damn, he wanted to kiss her. But he was in no fit condition right now, much less love and romance. Hell, he couldn’t even face his parents. He’d come a long way, but he was still broken, in every sense of the word.

  Neither of them said a word.

  Jake made his way back to Carrie’s car. “Can we go to your place?”

  She nodded and helped him into the vehicle. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

  Carrie went back inside and returned shortly, offering him a grim smile as she started the car and pulled away.

  He refused to ask about his folks.

  Carrie turned left on Harwood, then right on Penn.

  After that he didn’t pay attention to the roads. He leaned his head back on the headrest and closed his eyes. He felt horrible about the way he left the party, but he couldn’t face anyone. The shock was more than he could bear.

  They were heading for the outskirts of town before she spoke. “So, what’s going on? What just happened back there?”

  He said, “I just couldn’t do it.”

  “Do what? I don’t understand.”

  Jake didn’t respond right away, hating to admit the truth.

  Carrie pulled up at an old farmhouse off Route 1. The one she’d adored back in high school.

  “What are we doing here?” he said.

  “This is where I live. I bought it the first of the year.” She frowned, looking down at her hands.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I haven’t heard from you since Thanksgiving more than two years ago. I honestly thought you’d moved on and forgotten about me.” She helped him up the front steps and unlocked the door. Flipping on the light, she led him to the living room.

  He pointed to the couch. “Mind if I lay down? I’m exhausted.”

  “Can we talk a moment first?”

  “I’m sorry.” He blew out a breath, hoping to sound contrite. He really did mean it. “I know I was an ass, leaving that way…but, look at me.” He pointed to his leg with one hand and his face with the other. “I’m not the same person who left Hopeful all those years ago.” Making his way to the fireplace, he glanced at the framed pictures that lined the mantle. His eyes fell on the photograph of them at the Winter Ball. He wore his uniform. Carrie a burgundy gown. They were just kids. He leaned on his good leg, willing the physical pain away.

  Carrie slugged him.

  He turned and glared at her, stunned that he’d been thrown off balance. When had Carrie become so strong?

  “So, what!” Carrie snapped. “So, you’re not the same person. So, freaking what!”

  She’d never spoken to him like that. She was furious, not that he could blame her.

  “Big deal. You’re home. That’s all that matters to any of us.” Carrie held her arms wide. “When did you become so vain?”

  “What did you say?” Jake turned toward her so fast he nearly fell, grabbing the thick wooden slab of the mantle to steady himself. “Seriously.”

  “I said, so what. Instead of reacting as if I just insulted you, think about it for a millisecond. Please.” She said it as if it were a plea. “Your friends and family have waited patiently for your return.” Her face was mottled red, her breath coming in heaves. “You wouldn’t allow any of us to come see you. You refused our calls and didn’t bother to respond to our letters. What the hell do you think it did to us, waiting for word, a little crumb to let us know you were okay? I died inside every single time you pushed me away.”

  He wasn’t ready to talk so he made a slow roam of the room, like an injured animal on the prowl, then he ambled over to the couch, his strength shot. It was either sit of his own volition or fall on his face. “I never pushed you away.”

  “The hell you didn’t.” Her chest heaved in anger.

  “There’s more to it than that. I don’t know if you’ll understand...it’s hard to explain.”

  “I'm listening.”

  He eyed her indulgently, wishing he had the words. “Back in school, I was something, a big shot. I was a natural born athlete, from a well to do family—”

  “I'm not hearing an issue.”

  “That's just it—I never really struggled, everything came ea
sy for me.”

  She nodded but remained silent.

  “I didn’t realize that my decision to go into the military was more of a grand gesture than a true calling until I made it to boot camp. You have no idea what it's like to wake up and discover you're a fraud.” He'd never forget waking up the morning the truth slapped him across the face.

  He’d done his best, trained hard, grew fit and ever stronger, but for what? To what end? Every day from basic training to AIT to Dog Handler School to his Warrant Officer Courses. All his training felt like wasted effort. He was so caught up in his memories.

  “And—”

  “Look, I know I messed up. And don't think I don't have regrets or wish that I'd done things differently.” Jake scrunched his eyes closed. He squeezed the webbing between his index finger and thumb like the physical therapist taught to do when a migraine started. “I love you and missed you like crazy, that's a given.

  Carrie crossed her arms and pursed her lips but that was all.

  “Of course, I wish I'd been stronger and been able to cope with the missions and been able to separate my feelings and emotions. But unless you've been there, unless you've been in a situation where you had to be so focused on the mission or chance losing your team and failing your country.”

  Carrie didn’t look impressed, so he continued with his explanation.

  “I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “brothers” the military often uses, that’s because only another brother can watch your back. Each of us is all that and stands between life and death. That’s how it was with my team. We had a perfect record until that last mission.” Jake sobered. He was going on and on, talking about all that he believed in, and yet he alone came home. He scrunched his eyes closed trying to block out the image in his mind of his dead team members. He shook his head, swallowed hard, and continued. “I've been there, its indescribable.” Jake pinched the bridge of his nose. “I did what I had to do. I was all in, because that's what the job calls for. I had to let my focus be on the missions at hand, to get the job done, so I could come home to you.”

  Carrie opened her mouth then seemed to consider his words. Her arms dropped to her side.

  “Did I do the right thing? I doubt if I'll ever have the satisfaction of knowing for sure. I’ll have to live with the outcome, regardless.” He leaned on his knees, rubbing his temples. “All I can do is ask for your patience while I adjust to life at home.”

  Carrie shook her head and looked up, as if praying for strength.

  He startled at her response. “Maybe this was a bad idea.” He rose. It was time to leave.

  “No! Go on.” She crossed her arms and eyed him cautiously.

  There was a sudden shift in the atmosphere of the room, the air became dense, emphasizing the awkward silence between them.

  The pain in his head descended. Pressure like he’d exhibited immediately following the blast, squeezed, crushing his skull. Leaning his head back on the sofa, he closed his eyes and swung an arm over his eyes, blocking out the light. Only then did his headache back off a notch.

  Carrie sat down beside him. “Are you okay?” She pressed the back of her hand to his forehead.

  He recognized the concern in her voice, even if she was still angry with him. “Can we table this conversation until morning?”

  He turned to gaze at her.

  She gave a faint nod.

  They exchanged a private smile.

  Carrie helped him recline on the couch, placing a throw pillow under his head. She turned out the light, then left the room, returning a few minutes later to place a damp rag over his eyes and forehead. She pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Good night.”

  His consciousness ebbed. He slipped into oblivion and succumbed to pain and fatigue.

  As he drifted off, he swore he heard her say, “I love you.”

  Chapter Five

  Carrie spent a sleepless night worried about Jake. She’d checked on him several times.

  He had cried out once in the night, loud enough for her to race downstairs. He thrashed in his sleep, fighting a haunting memory as if it were happening again. She sat on the floor, murmuring that everything would be okay, and rubbed his temples until he settled down. While she sat there, she recalled their conversation, the more he said the more she realized he’d been to hell and back. Her heart ached for all he must have endured.

  But she’d suffered plenty as well.

  Breakfast was almost done when Carrie spied Jake hobbling into the kitchen.

  His hair was a mess and his clothes were rumpled. “Are my bags still in the car?” he asked stifling a yawn.

  Haggard didn’t even begin to describe the man. Between the trip, plus the stress and angst of the flight home, he looked downright miserable. The scars healing on the side of his face were a nasty shade of red and puckered. She had a white-knuckle grip on the spatula in her hand, but what she wanted to do was go to him, trace the scar from the corner of his eye, to his ear, then across his cheek in a vicious slash to the corner of his mouth. She wanted to kiss it and ask him what happened. Ask what other injuries he’d sustained beside the leg. The sight of his scar on his face worked on her emotions, reminding her of all he’d been through.

  It had taken her several hours to fall asleep the night before as she tried to dissect their conversation. To some degree she did understand, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. There had to be more to it.

  She fought back her frustration that it was six months after his initial injuries and she still didn’t know anything more than what she’d learned from his parents, because he refused to discuss it with her.

  There was no argument, he had been through a traumatic event.

  She promised to ease up on him. They had plenty of time to clear the air.

  Carrie forced herself to smile. She filled a coffee mug and set a breakfast plate on the table. Pulling out the chair she said, “Sit down and eat. I’ll get your gear.”

  Jake went to the sink, splashed water on his face, and kissed her cheek before he sat down. “Thanks for understanding.”

  Acutely aware of his nearness, she patted his shoulder then went for his duffle bags. “No problem.”

  Carrie stood on the front porch and let the morning sun hit her full on the face. She tipped her face up to absorb the warmth.

  She retrieved his heavy duffle and a smaller one, and brought them into the house, setting them beside the couch where Jake had spent the previous night. Then making her way back into the kitchen she sat down at the table across from Jake.

  Technically she had the day off. Fourth of July. But she had several things pending at the office. The plan was to do no more than two hours of paperwork then head back to town for the festivities.

  Jake’s stay at her place wouldn’t alter her plans in the least.

  “I guess I should tell you, I have plans today.”

  “Oh,” Jake said, staring down at his plate, which was now clean. “Mind if I ask who you’re seeing?”

  She shook her head, frazzled and yet flattered. “As a matter of fact, I’m going to the office for a few hours, but then I’m meeting Erica at the parade.”

  “Parade,” Jake repeated, as if it was the craziest thing she could have said.

  “It’s the Fourth of July.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t realize. Dates and time don’t seem to click.”

  “I guess not. After that, Boomer and Erica, Shorty Devlin, and the Malone twins…Digger and Dizzy, are all supposed to meet here. The guys promised to help paint. In appreciation, Erica and I are going to BBQ and feed their endless appetites.”

  The mention of his old buddies made him smile. He let out a chuckle then reached for his coffee.

  “You’re more than welcome to join us. It’s entirely up to you.”

  “I’d like that.”

  “Are you sure you’re up to it—after last night?”

  “Sorry about that.” Jake blushed. “But it was the last thing I expected. All those fa
ces…staring—”

  “It was too much—I get it. It probably wasn’t the best idea, but your folks simply wanted you to feel welcome. They thought having your closest friends there would make it easier on you.”

  “I know—” he trailed off.

  “Again, it’s your choice. You can stay here, or I can drop you at your folks on my way to the office.” She filled her travel mug, added cream and sugar then screwed on the lid.

  “I’ll stay here. My leg is still sore. Would you mind if I grab a shower while you’re gone?” When she didn’t respond right away, he gave her a quelling look.

  “Would you mind waiting until I get back. It’s not that I don’t think you’re capable, but the last thing I want is to come home and find you passed out on the bathroom floor.” She immediate regretted her comment.

  Jake tightened his grip on the mug.

  “Stop it, Jake.”

  He glared at her then down at his black coffee. “Stop what?” His voice was low and tight.

  She swallowed harshly, reining in her indignation as shivers of awareness floated over her body, engulfing her like a weighted security blanket. Lips tight, she murmured, “Fine, you want to have it out? We’ll do it here and now,” she snapped. “You said last night you didn’t push me away. That’s bull shit. You pushed me away when you broke it off with me. You pushed me away when you ignored my letters, my calls, any communication to let me know you were alive.”

  “I was trying to spare you—” he said gruffly. “I was protecting us both. I had no intention of getting killed over there. After all, I thought I had someone to come home to.”

  “You dumped me,” she screamed. Carrie was furious at herself, she never lost control. Pacing the kitchen, she had to force herself to breathe. In. Out. She thought she’d regained her composure. “What’s your excuse after you were injured?” Carrie slapped her hands onto her hips. Shaking a finger at him she continued. “Admit it, you figured it would be easier for you to let me go, that way you couldn’t be hurt if I found someone else. Quit lying, even if it’s only to yourself.” Obviously, she had no control.