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Out of the Shade

Page 27

by S. A. McAuley


  “I know who you’re talking about,” Chuck admitted. “As far as I know he’s not completely out but working his way there. What was your read on the situation?”

  “Honestly? That he wants to be out, just doesn’t know how to go about it. Brave kid, man.”

  “He is.”

  Jesse missed his shot and stood up, facing Chuck and Jordie. “Your turn.”

  Chuck was quiet as he switched places with Jesse.

  “What do you think, Jesse?” Jordie asked. “You’re an employee. What do you think is my best play on this?”

  “Why don’t you ask him directly? Make it his choice. We can bring his mom and Kam into it if you want.” Behind him, there was a conspicuous lack of any shot being taken. Jesse peered over his shoulder and caught Chuck outright staring at him. “You don’t agree?”

  Chuck shook his head. “I completely agree. I just got a weird vibe off that kid today that I forgot about until now. I can check in with him tomorrow myself and make sure he knows what his options are.”

  They were definitely talking about Ashton. Jesse had picked up on the kid’s skittishness as the day had worn on too. “We’re all talking about Ash here, right? I mean, I don’t expect you to break any trust, but anything said between us stays here. We’ve all signed the same confidentiality form.”

  Chuck and Jordie shared a look, then nodded together.

  “He said he wanted all the coaches to know,” Chuck said. “But Kam and I weren’t sure how and when to go about doing that. We’ve kind of left it up to him. Maybe we shouldn’t have.”

  “I picked up on his unease today too,” Jesse said. “Let me know what you need.”

  “Fuck.” Jordie laughed uncomfortably. “Hell of a way to bring down the mood.”

  Chuck shook it off and took his shot. “Nah, it’s cool. I’ll talk to Kam tomorrow, then we’ll go from there. This is good stuff, J. It’s the reason we do this work, right? Documenting all the flashy stuff is fun but showcasing the real behind-the-scenes stories is the exhilarating part.”

  “It’s good to be able to talk to someone with more than the bottom-line figuring into the decision.” Jordie smirked and took a sip of his beer. “But you were never very good with the bottom were you?”

  Jesse’s jaw dropped, but Chuck just laughed. “So fucking inappropriate. Now let me finish my game with Jesse.”

  “Speaking of rankings, you seeing anyone since you came back here?”

  Chuck huffed. “As if I would give you any ammunition.”

  Words were tumbling out of Jesse’s mouth—a memory of banter that was so easy to slip into again—before Jesse could stop himself. “You do realize that you being good at playing pool—with all these sticks and balls and bending over—already gives him all kinds of ammunition?”

  Chuck stared at Jesse blank-faced, then a slow smile spread across his face. “Good point. But I don’t give a fuck. I’m good with my stick. I embrace my stick and its ability to stuff balls into tiny spaces.”

  “We just crossed way over the line, Dunn!” Jordie protested.

  “Let’s show him just how good we are at handling our sticks, Sollie.”

  And Jesse laughed. He hadn’t laughed that hard in months. It was great to hear Chuck joking. Having fun. Smiling at him again.

  Seeing Chuck’s smile was worth any price Jesse had to pay to keep it there.

  23

  Chuck heard a ringing in his ears that he was relatively sure couldn’t be left over from the shot to the head Jordie had given him yesterday, or the drinks they’d bought each other at McLoughlin’s after. He hadn’t had that much to drink. It couldn’t be the remnants of Jesse’s laugh either—a sound he’d missed more than he’d wanted to admit.

  No, this ringing was annoying as fuck. He wiped at his eyes, trying to wake up as the grating sound persisted, stopped for only a few seconds, then started up again. Chuck glared at his landline—the phone that he rarely used but had come with the cable and internet package he’d gotten for his place. He used the number solely for business, so who the fuck was calling him—he rolled over and peered at the clock—at five in the morning?

  He reached out for the cordless extension on his bedside table and cleared his throat before he hit the button to pick up the call.

  “This is Chuck Dunn.”

  “Chuck, I need you to wake up.”

  Chuck was immediately awake when he heard the roughness of Kam’s voice. He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

  “What’s going on, Kam?”

  “I’m at St. Nick’s ER downtown. Ashton’s mom found him unresponsive this morning. It looks like he might have tried to OD on some of her pills.”

  Chuck’s stomach rolled. “Jesus, is he alive?”

  “For now. He’s in intensive care and they’re taking care of him the best they can. I don’t think he’s woken up yet, but I figured you’d want to know.”

  Chuck was already out of bed, pulling on his jeans. “I’ll be there in twenty.” He hung up and threw his cordless on the nightstand as he got dressed.

  He picked up his cell to glance at his notifications, dread building in his stomach and leeching into his veins as he realized he’d left the ringer off—silent—all night.

  can I call?

  u around?

  nevermind sorry to bother u

  im sorry

  Chuck steadied himself against the wall, his hands shaking. Ashton had reached out to him, had been looking for some kind of help—any fucking help—and Chuck had been passed out, completely unaware. Despite what he’d seen in Ashton yesterday that should’ve sent off red flags, he’d pushed his instincts down. The same instincts that Jesse had admitted to at the bar last night.

  He hit his contacts and punched in Jesse’s name.

  “Kam call you?” Jesse answered.

  Chuck scrubbed at the stubble on his chin. “Yeah, I’m heading out now.”

  “I’ll be there in a few. I’ll call if anything changes while you’re on your way.”

  “Thanks, Jesse.”

  “You okay?”

  “Not at all.”

  “Me either.”

  Silence fell between them. A silence that was filled with a new layer of pain added to the near mountain of layers they already had. Chuck couldn’t allow one more unsaid thing to come between them. He had to start talking to Jesse if they were ever going to find a way through all of it.

  “Shit, Jesse. We both saw there was something off with him yesterday. I should’ve reached out to him then. I should’ve taken the time.”

  “No regrets.” Jesse’s voice was rough, betraying just how many regrets he was carrying too. “We can’t change any of it. Ash is alive and that’s all that matters right now. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Call if you want an update. Call me…if you just need to hear another voice, okay?”

  Chuck’s chest constricted. “Jesse?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m really fucking proud of everything you’ve done in the last three months. I just need you to know that.”

  “Thank you. That means more to me than—” Jesse cleared his throat. “Thank you. Drive safe, okay?”

  “I will.” Chuck didn’t hang up the phone, though. He listened to Jesse’s breaths on the other end of the line and grounded himself in the memories of having Jesse’s solid, strong body wrapped around him. He’d always felt so safe in Jesse’s arms. “Will you just stay on the line with me?”

  “Yeah, Chuck. Of course I will.”

  “Thank you.”

  Chuck swiped his keys up and headed for this truck, relying on Jesse’s strength to help him get through.

  Chuck was not okay, there was no question about it, but Ashton’s mom was way worse. She leaned against the window leading into Ashton’s room, her shoulders slumped forward, eyes-reddened, and her hands shaking despite them being crammed under her crossed arms. Her tired gaze flitted between Kam, Jesse, and Chuck.

  “He
didn’t want to let you down, Kam. Any of you, Mr. Dunn, Jesse. He didn’t want to let me down—” Her voice broke and a fresh set of tears poured out of her eyes that she swiped away with the cuff of her sweatshirt. “I’ve known he was gay since he was a kid. I wasn’t okay with it, but now I’m not sure why.”

  Chuck restrained a flinch and glanced at Jesse. His arms were crossed, his jaw tight.

  “So what happened?” Kam asked. “Do you know?”

  “When I came home from work last night someone had graffitied our front door with a slur, an awful one that broke my heart the second I saw it. Ash was studying at the table, just like any other night. I asked him about it and he said it was just kids being kids, that it didn’t bother him. I could see it did, but Ash has always been like that. He stands up when the world tells him he needs to take a seat. I thought he was strong enough. I thought he was okay. Maybe if I’d been around more, I would’ve seen it…. But I have to work three jobs just to make the bills.”

  “You’ve worked to give Ash everything you can.”

  She nodded, but it was obvious to Chuck that she didn’t believe that in this moment.

  “We’ve got training starting up after school again today,” Kam said. “How much do you want the Warriors to know?”

  Her chin tipped up, eyes defiant. “Everything. Ash thinking that this had to be kept a secret made him ashamed. I don’t want him to be ashamed when he wakes up. I want him to see support. He told me that he’d come out to all of his friends at the club yesterday because of that slur and that he’d told you months ago and that y’all were okay with him. But he also told me that he was worried about being less because of it—in your eyes and all the other Warriors.”

  Jesse’s lips pursed. “That isn’t the truth of it.”

  “It was his truth,” Ashton’s mom insisted. “And right now, that’s all that matters. Ash wouldn’t have done this if he thought there was another way to live.” She inhaled a deep, shuddering breath, curling into herself again. “I’m sorry, I know I’m getting angry at the wrong people. I’m mad at myself and I’m even more furious at the world. You’ve been the steadiness Ash needed for years now. The steadiness I couldn’t give him.”

  Chuck cataloged the barely restrained fury in Kam. He had no doubt that anger was self-directed.

  “His place as a Warrior is set,” Kam said. “There’s no changing that. And anyone who isn’t okay with that won’t be welcome in our club anymore.”

  “Thank you.”

  “What can we do for you?” Chuck asked. “Food or clothes? Make any calls?”

  “It’s only me and Ash and I need to be with him now. The doctors say the next few hours will be the most critical.”

  “We’ll be here until we hear more then.” Kam took a card out of his pocket and handed it to her. “I put all our cell numbers on there. Call if you need anything, okay?”

  “I will.”

  Ashton’s mom opened the door and slipped inside. Chuck couldn’t take his eyes off how broken and fragile Ashton looked with all of those tubes snaking out of him.

  “Come on,” Kam said. “Let’s head down to the waiting room.”

  They settled in, coffee cups in hand that none of them drank. Chuck rested his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes.

  “You’re too quiet, Jesse. What’s going on up there?” Chuck heard Kam say, and he opened his eyes to get a read on what Kam was seeing.

  Jesse was hunched over, gnawing at his lip. “Just figuring out how we’re going to tell all the other kids about this.”

  “The same way we’ve handled everything else—with complete honesty.” Kam’s jaw had gone hard. “We owe that to these kids. Most of them have been lied to or dismissed their entire lives. I won’t be a part of that.”

  Jesse glared at his best friend. “What about protecting Ash?”

  “We’ve done a shit job of protecting Ash so far,” Kam threw back at him. “We weren’t strong enough in our support. We made him think there was something to be ashamed of. We fucked up, and it’s on us to make that right where we can. All of those kids need to know that we think there’s nothing wrong with Ash being gay…. Unless you think it is wrong.”

  Jesse froze. “What?”

  “You heard me, Jesse. We need to have a unified front when we sit in front of those kids in a few hours. Whatever your unresolved personal issues are, you have to decide if you can be in that room and back me up. And if you think there’s something wrong with Ash, then I don’t want you there.”

  “Fuck you.” Jesse surged to his feet and stalked out of the waiting room, slamming the door behind him.

  “I’m sorry, Chuck,” Kam said. “That was….”

  Chuck blew out a long breath. “Needed. It’s okay, Kam, I get it. So, what are you going to tell the kids?”

  “The truth. You heard Ash’s mom. They deserve to know everything so they can make a decision about whether or not they want to continue with the club.”

  “You could lose a lot of kids because of this,” Chuck warned. “Maybe even some of your donors or sponsors.”

  “I couldn’t give less of a fuck,” Kam snarled. “Are you—of all people—really questioning me on this?”

  Chuck sighed and shifted in his chair so he was facing Kam. “I’m just telling you what the repercussions may be. You don’t know how people are going to react when the truth comes out.”

  Kam looked at him. Into him. Realization dawning on him. “And you do.”

  “Painfully.”

  “I don’t get it. You wanted Jesse to come out.”

  “I never told him I wanted him to come out, I told him I couldn’t be with someone who isn’t out. Those are two very different things. Plus, he wouldn’t have gone through the same things I did. At least not to the same degree.”

  “That’s assuming a lot. How the fuck do you really know? You assume a lot for not knowing the people in his life or really knowing him.” Chuck cringed, yet Kam pressed forward, anger etching his features. “Look, Chuck. I know you’re not an asshole, but when it comes to this you are being an all-knowing asshole. You need to step the fuck back and give people space to learn for themselves in their unique situations. Support don’t preach.”

  He knew Kam was likely channeling a fuckload of guilt over the death of his brother at the moment. He wouldn’t have snapped back at Kam anyway—he couldn’t match Kam’s level of anger. He’d resigned himself to the ugly side of coming out years ago. And since then, he’d talked to too many people who’d had similar experiences as him to sugarcoat the reality of what it was still like to come out.

  “You don’t know what it’s like at all, Kam.”

  Kam ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “You’re right—I don’t. Shit. I’m sorry. Support don’t preach? Where the fuck did that come from?”

  “You’re doing the best you can,” Chuck allowed. “And I am kind of being all-knowing about this because it’s a reality I’ve lived and many other people I know have lived.”

  “What do you think should happen?”

  “Exactly what you said. I just wanted to make sure you’d thought it through.” Chuck scratched at his stubble. “There’s something else you need to think about too. How do you want to handle Jordie and his crew on this?”

  “Fuck. I completely forgot about them. Just tell me what to do.”

  “I can’t. Technically you signed up for them documenting everything, including this. But Jordie’s not a dick. If you don’t think it’s a good thing to have them in there then I’ll talk to him.”

  “How would you handle it?”

  “I’d talk to all the parents first and get official documentation on which kids are going to be staying and which are going to be leaving. Then I’d let Jordie in to film.”

  “That’s not very real.”

  “There’s going to be enough realness for all of us in that room.”

  Kam swore under his breath and sat back, sighing. “A
sh has to be okay. I don’t know what I’ll do if he’s not.”

  Chuck flipped his cell in his hand, the ringer now on, and hung his head. “I don’t know either.”

  “You think I should go after Jesse?”

  “Give him some time,” Chuck said as he leaned back in his chair, matching Kam’s position. “He seems to get his shit together when he’s forced to face things he doesn’t want to.”

  “I really wish you two were together.”

  Chuck huffed out a quiet laugh, resigned. “Since we’re being brutally honest today…? You’re not the only one, Kam.”

  24

  Chuck had never seen the kids so quiet and still. He and Kam had set up a loose semi-circle of chairs in the corner of the gym and the kids were seated, surrounded by the coaches and the parents who’d wanted to stay. So far, three kids had been pulled from the club by their parents. Chuck had no idea whether or not that choice had been because of how the kids felt or the parents, but in his experience adults were crueler than teenagers would ever be.

  It wasn’t just the kids, parents, and coaches who were in the club, though. Nearly every one of the Kensington boys had made their way to the club in the last few hours. They’d sequestered themselves back in Kam’s office and Chuck had left them to do whatever it was they were doing. This was a group that had welcomed him in, but he hadn’t been invited back with them, and he wouldn’t have gone anyway.

  Despite walking out of the hospital, Jesse was with them—in Kam’s office. Whatever it was that Jesse was working through, Chuck knew enough about the dynamics of their group to know that Jesse needed them right now more than a reminder of his past.

  Then there was Jordie’s crew. They were attempting to be as inconspicuous as possible, staying on the edges of the semi-circle, but it was impossible to ignore their presence. Jordie stood next to one of the cameramen at the front, but off to the side, typing away on his phone and periodically leaning over to say something to the kids. Chuck knew that Jordie was trying to set them at ease, but it was going to be hard for any of them to find peace today.

 

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