Out of the Shade

by S. A. McAuley

Jesse shrugged and looked out the window. “He knows everything about me.”

  Chuck had no response to that, so he didn’t say anything at all.

  They drove past Jesse’s house, past McLoughlin’s, past the sports dome where the league played their indoor games, then past the field where he’d first met Jesse six months ago. This town wasn’t small and yet, today, it felt on the cusp of confining. Jesse dominated his memories of Kensington, dominated the physical space in the car, dominated his thoughts, and…. Chuck sighed. He didn’t want to go back to how things had been before their road trip—he couldn’t.

  Jesse owned his heart.

  He pulled into the lot for the club, but kept the engine running, unsure what Jesse wanted him to do. Jesse opened his door, started to get out—his hand on the door—then turned to Chuck with a questioning glance. “You going to come in? I know the kids would love to tell you about their competition.”

  The kids would want him there. Not Jesse.

  Chuck nodded anyway and got out of the car. He only made it a few steps before he was stuttering to a stop and facing Jesse, his heart in his throat, but the question of what are we? died on his lips as Jesse wrapped him up in a hug and buried his face in Chuck’s neck.

  Jesse sighed into his skin. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, Chuck, but I want this to be it for us. Exclusive and out to everyone—a real shot at being together.”

  Chuck’s heart beat madly as he circled his arms around Jesse. “Of course that’s what I want. Why would you think I don’t want that?”

  “Because I….” Jesse winced as he stepped back. “I’m recovering, but the reality is that some days are going to be great and some days are going to be bad. My recovery isn’t ever going to end and I’ve accepted that. I’ve decided it’s a fight I’m willing to take on but asking that of you is a whole other thing.”

  “Fucking hell, Jesse. Is that what you were worried about? What you were thinking about on the ride home?” Jesse’s brow furrowed and Chuck stepped up to him, circling his hand around the back of Jesse’s neck and urging him forward. “Of course I’m in. Give me the good days and the bad. Give me you and me on opposite sides of the field, knowing we’re going home together. Just give me you. That’s all I need.”

  Jesse gripped Chuck’s hips and drew him in closer. “I can do that.”

  The flash of traffic rushing by echoed around him and the beaming light of the afternoon sun fell hot on his skin, casting no shadow. There was no place to hide, and no reason to anymore.

  So Chuck leaned in and kissed him.

  Epilogue

  One year later

  Jesse checked the tape on his hands for the fifth time and glanced across the ring. Sitting in the other corner, Chuck looked way too relaxed, which—after a year and a half of facing Chuck on every field or playing surface he possibly could—he knew was a bad sign for his chances of having any shot in this bout. That was okay, though. He planned on ending up on his knees after this matchup anyway.

  Jesse restrained a smile and surveyed his shirtless boyfriend. Chuck had always been athletic, but, in the last year, he’d taken to boxing above every other sport—his body toned to the point that he was solid, lean muscle. Chuck flexed his powerful hands, glaring at the tape wound around his knuckles, likely because he wasn’t used to boxing without gloves of some kind. It hadn’t been difficult for Jesse to coax him into a sparring session for fun, though, insisting they needed to try out the ring before any of the kids stepped foot in the new club.

  This might have been the third Warriors’ club, but this one was special. Chuck and he had found every penny of funding for the building purchase, administrative, staffing, and startup costs. And the ring he was standing in now had been a gift to the club—and to his boxing aficionado boyfriend—from Jesse. It wasn’t nearly enough for everything Chuck and the Warriors had given him, but it was a start. He was going to manage this location, so he’d be putting much more of his time, blood, and strength into making this club just as successful as the other two. But he wasn’t alone in this. Chuck had an office in the back as the Warriors’ director of public relations.

  This club was their baby.

  Jesse’s head snapped up when he heard a sharp bark. Okay, technically, Precious was their first baby. She was roaming around the gym floor, already familiar enough with the place that she’d found her favorite places to crash. She jumped onto a pile of mats, Lila’s twins babbling on her heels. Lila swished each of them, in turn, into the air then smothered their faces with kisses and pointed them into another direction. Satisfied she’d found a few moments of respite, Precious flopped into Emily’s lap, nearly sending Emily sprawling to the ground. Next to her, Ashton laughed as he bent over a cardboard box, inventorying supplies. Precious thwapped her tail with satisfaction and sent Ashton’s papers flying.

  Ashton eyed Emily and she grinned. “Don’t look at me. She’s their dog.”

  “Precious isn’t just Jesse’s and Chuck’s. She’s a Warrior too,” Kam pointed out as he leaned on the ropes. “So, are you two actually going to fight or just ogle each other across the ring?”

  Chuck and he flipped Kam off at the same time, then Chuck jumped to his feet. “You’re the one who wanted this, Sollie.”

  Yeah, he did. More than Chuck knew right now.

  Jesse stood and Chuck bounded over to him, taking exploratory jabs that didn’t come anywhere near Jesse, but he kept lifting his right foot, so Jesse backed up.

  “Ash!” Jesse yelled over his shoulder. “Tell him not to use his legs.”

  “I’m not the one who got his boyfriend Muy Thai lessons for Christmas,” Ashton retorted.

  Jesse restrained a grin and dropped his fists. “Hell, I can’t hit that face. It’s too pretty.”

  Chuck slid his fist back and slammed it forward, connecting with Jesse’s jaw in a punch that Jesse knew wasn’t anywhere near Chuck’s strength. There was a chorus of groans from Ashton and Kam while Emily and Lila roared with laughter.

  “Get him, Chuckie!” Emily called out, her arms hooked over the ropes now.

  Chuck bounded over, planting a kiss on Jesse’s cheek. “Hands up, let’s do this.”

  Jesse raised his fists, but before Chuck could even think of taking another shot, Jesse swiped his leg out, took Chuck to the mat and jumped on top of him, straddling his hips.

  “You’ve been practicing,” Chuck noted with a sly grin.

  “I wasn’t the one who bought Jujitsu lessons for his boyfriend for his one-year sober anniversary.”

  “True. Now get off me, Manawa.”

  Jesse smiled. He didn’t have any living direct relatives to teach him the language his grandfather had spoken, but he was learning what he could—and Chuck was too. Manawa. A Māori word that spoke of breath, heart, and motivation. Chuck’s nickname for him.

  “Nope. I like it right here on my knees.” Jesse’s heart thudded in his chest as he stared at Chuck. Jesse knocked a closed fist against the mat. “Nice ring, huh?”

  He hovered over Chuck, keeping his eyes locked to him despite the churning in his stomach. There was a light inside Chuck—a love of life and unassailable joy—that Jesse had seen in Chuck since they’d met. But in the last year that light had taken on a new brilliance—one that enveloped Jesse and helped them through their toughest days. Every time Chuck smiled, Jesse’s life settled perfectly into place.

  “So,” Jesse prompted. “What do you say?”

  Chuck furrowed his brow. “To what?”

  Jesse swallowed, tried to find his voice. “I’m on my knees. And I bought you a ring.”

  “Are you…?” Chuck’s eyes darted over Jesse’s face. “Are you asking me to marry you?”

  Jesse took a deep breath, and a calm settled inside him. “Yeah, Chuckie. I am. What do you say?”

  “You really love me that much that you want my sweaty ass on our leather couch every day, forever?”

  “Never anyone else I wanted there that long,
never gonna be anyone else. Just you.”

  A slow grin spread across Chuck’s face, his dimple making a perfectly timed appearance. “Yeah, Sollie. I’ll marry the fuck out of you.”

  Jesse barely had a chance to plant a kiss on Chuck’s lips, then Kam was sliding under the ropes and tackling Jesse and Chuck into a bear hug that mashed them all into the canvas. “Congrats. Couldn’t have happened to two bigger assholes. You deserve each other.”

  Emily whooped, Lila whistled, and Ashton called out “Finally!” as they joined the chaotic mass of limbs that officially became a dogpile when Precious jumped on top.

  Jesse sheltered Chuck between his arms from the brunt of their love attack, and Chuck grinned up at him. As much as Jesse had known he wanted to share this moment with the people closest to the two of them, he was ready to get Chuck home so they could really celebrate. As everyone else found their feet again, Jesse leaned down one more time to press a kiss to Chuck’s lips.

  Fuck.

  He’d just asked Chuck to marry him and Chuck had said yes. Life could only get better from here.

  “Did you know about this, Em?” Chuck asked as Jesse offered him a hand, pulling him to his feet.

  “Maybe,” she answered coyly. “Mom and Silas are going to freak.”

  Chuck scoffed. “I’m sure Si already knows. Laura too. Is that why they invited us over for dinner tonight instead of Sunday?”

  Jesse nodded. “Usual Sunday dinner still stands, though. Dad invited Ben over too.”

  “Who could’ve guessed that knowing a hack meteorologist would be the thing that got me into your dad’s good graces?”

  “Give yourself some credit, Chuckie,” Lila said. “I think it was the football tickets too.”

  Chuck gasped in mock horror and pounced on Lila, tickling at her sides until Ashton and Emily jumped in to defend her and they were all laughing so hard the rink shook.

  “This is good, Sollie,” Kam said as he stepped up to Jesse.

  Jesse chuckled softly and met his best friend’s eyes. “It is.”

  “All right, team,” Kam called out to get everyone’s attention. “This is the one and only time you’ll hear me say this—let’s say fuck it to work and let these two get home. I’m sure they have better things to be doing right now.” Kam faced Jesse. “Like each other. I’m sure you’d rather be doing each other.”

  Jesse shook his head in fond disbelief, but Chuck just shrugged and said, “Kam is the boss.”

  Despite Kam’s order, Emily, Lila, Ashton, and Kam set to putting away the supplies Ashton had been working on. And—knowing all of them—likely giving Jesse and Chuck a moment alone. Jesse took every second he was granted, soaking in the aura of joy filling the room and kissing Chuck’s knuckles as he pulled the last strips of tape from Chuck’s hands.

  “You two ready?” Kam called out, already at the door with Precious twisting excitedly at his feet.

  “Yeah,” Chuck answered and gripped Jesse’s hand. “Let’s go home.”

  Kam tapped his fingertips against the shadowbox mounted next to the front door—filled with Jesse’s sobriety medals for the last year. It had been placed there by Chuck, and in the few weeks they’d had possession of the building it had become a ritual for everyone to stop at the door and tap on that case before they left. Jesse watched as Lila lifted each of her boys to poke at the shiny glass. Emily kissed her fingertips, then settled them against the glass, and Ashton touched the edges of the box even though his arm was slung around Emily. Then Chuck, a step ahead of Jesse, lifted their joined hands and knocked it against the wood frame.

  Jesse flipped off the lights, his blood thrumming with excitement—with contentment—as he pushed out of the club, his hand in Chuck’s, and into the sun.

  Author Note

  Dear Reader,

  I started writing Out of the Shade almost seven years ago in response to the world I lived in daily—Midwestern America, tradition-hemmed, hyper-masculine, with segregated populations of diverse groups, and where being “other” is highly discouraged in insidiously subtle ways (and sometimes in blatantly cruel ways).

  But that wasn’t the whole story either.

  My daily life was also full of deep friendships, loyalty that came from a shared history, and a regional identification that overruled all other personal identifiers at times.

  Maybe those seemingly incompatible concepts are present in other places, but this story was formed from my own experience of overlapping and intersecting circles (with clearly defined borders) that you jump around, trying to find your place. How do you come to terms with who you really are in an environment that’s both welcoming and closed off?

  I didn’t know how to answer that, so I started writing.

  I’ve gone through extended periods of time where I didn’t want to publish this book at all. It's too personal and yet not personal enough. It touches on issues that I’ve dealt with through family, friends, and my work, but not myself. It touches on issues that I’ve personally dealt with, but don’t want to speak about.

  Also, I came to a place two years ago when I’d grown frustrated with the coming out trope. Why should anyone have to come out at all? That’s when I was sure I was never going to publish this book. Then through a series of events that I couldn’t have anticipated, I started hearing from people who shared that coming out stories helped them…. Just as they had helped me come to my own truth years ago. It was a “duh” moment that got me back to revising this manuscript.

  The characters in Out of the Shade are unlike any others I’ve written. Some use language I would never use. Some act in ways I never would. But they are direct products of the environment I grew up in, and I needed to know how they would react and adapt when their foundations were shaken. They helped me understand my world, and my place in it, better.

  This story is one drop in an ocean full of experiences completely different from mine. Thank you for taking this journey with me.

  May the sun shine down on you too,

  Sam

  About Sam

  Sam is a wandering LGBTQ author who sleeps little and reads a lot. Happiest in a foreign country. Twitchy when not mentally in motion. Her name is Sam, not Sammy, definitely not Samantha. She’s a dark/cynical/jaded person, but hides that darkness well behind her obsession(s) with shiny objects.

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  samcauley.com

  authorsamcauley@gmail.com

  Also by S.A. McAuley

  The Borders War

  One Breath, One Bullet

  Dominant Predator

  Powerless

  Falling, One by One

  Strength of the Rising Sun

  Sanctuary

  The Complete Borders War Set: Books 1-5.5

  Standalone Novels

  An Immoveable Solitude

  Where Wishes Go

  Tread Marks & Trademarks

  Damaged Package

  Ruin Porn (co-written with SJD Peterson)

  Novellas and Short Stories

  Someday It Will Be

  The Hotel Luz

  Free Reads

  Where the Land Goes on Forever

  This is What a Cold Lake Looks Like

  Flash Knockdown

  Heavy Dipping into the Holiday Spirits

  You can find links to all of Sam’s books at samcauley.com