How to Stop an Alien Invasion Using Shakespeare
Page 6
I stare at the book. I’m one of the most famous people in history. I’ve sold more books than pretty much anyone else ever.
And I still can’t think up a story for Book Week.
‘So, what are you going to do now?’ asks the Mighty Professor Skeletron.
I shake my head. ‘I don’t know.’
‘We could try asking Inspiration again,’ suggests the Mighty Professor Skeletron.
‘No,’ I reply, ‘I don’t think I can face another prognostication.’
‘Then how else are you going to come up with an idea?’
I take a deep breath. ‘I’m not,’ I say.
‘What do you mean “you’re not”?’ asks the Mighty Professor Skeletron.
‘I mean I’m not,’ I reply. ‘I’m just going to tell Pilchard the truth. I’ll tell him I can’t think of anything.’
The Mighty Professor Skeletron stares at me. ‘But he’ll humiliate you. He’ll shout at you. He’ll feed you to his guinea pig.’
‘So what?’ I reply, gritting my teeth. ‘I’m not going to be scared of bullies like him anymore. I’m not going to let him feed me to Mr Whiskers. If Yesterday Sid can stand up for himself, then why can’t I?’
The Mighty Professor Skeletron smiles at me. ‘You know what, Sid?’ he says. ‘I’m proud of you. I –’
‘EUREKA!’ shrieks Wendy, leaping to her feet. ‘I’ve got it!’ She’s skipping around in circles with her one remaining pigtail sticking up in the air.
‘Have you gone stark raving m–’
‘TELL HIM THE TRUTH!’ she whoops, interrupting me. ‘TELL MR PILCHARD THE TRUTH.’
‘I will,’ I reply. ‘That’s what I just said. I’m going to tell him I can’t think of anything –’
‘Not that truth,’ she tuts. ‘The other truth. This truth.’ She picks up the book and jabs her finger at the cover.
I stare at her. She’s grinning like a crazy person, hopping from foot to foot.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking ab–’
‘EUREKA!’ shouts the Mighty Professor Skeletron. He starts laughing again.
What is going on? They’ve both completely lost their minds.
‘Sidney Bice,’ says the Mighty Professor Skeletron, putting his arm around my shoulder. ‘I don’t know if you’ve ever realised this, but your little sister is a genius.’
Mr Pilchard is weeping. Again. Tears are plopping onto his shoes.
‘This boy is a shining example,’ warbles Principal Batton, her wig just as wobbly as it was the last time this happened.
‘His prize-winning story demonstrates what can be achieved through discipline, hard work and truly excellent teaching.’
Mr Pilchard starts bawling, right on cue. He really is tremendously ugly. He looks like a hairy baby with bad teeth. Here comes the snot, sliding into his beard. Yuck. Even Mr Haddock was less disgusting than him.
I look around the room as Principal Batton witters on about how much less of an idiot I am. There are the bullies sitting at the back of the hall. Why was I ever scared of them? Sure, they’re bigger than me, but they’re just kids. Yesterday Sid was right. I don’t have to run away anymore. I don’t have to be scared. I’m Sidney Bice. And Sidney Bice can do better than that.
‘And now,’ announces Principal Batton, ‘the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Sidney will read to us from his wonderful story – “How to Stop an Alien Invasion Using Shakespeare”.’
I step up onto the podium. I did it. I won. And not by copying someone else. And not by cheating. But by telling the truth. My life. What happened to me. Because sometimes life is all the inspiration we need.
‘This is the story of how I saved the world and became the most famous illustrator in history, all at the same time.’
I pause. Everyone is sitting in silence, listening. It’s a perfect day. A great day. Nothing and no-one could ruin it. And, this time, I’m pretty sure nothing will.
My name is Sidney Bice. I’m 11 years old. And I’m not very clever. But do you know what? I reckon I’m clever enough. And clever enough will do just fine.
ELIZABETHAN ENGLAND
William Shakespeare was born during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I. This period of English history was called ‘Elizabethan England’.
How many of these FUN FACTS about Elizabethan England can you answer? (Answers on here)
1) The Elizabethans didn’t know anything about germs. They thought diseases were spread by BAD SMELLS. Four of the following five things were used as medicines in Elizabethan England. Which one WAS NOT an Elizabethan medicine?
Putting leeches on people to suck their blood
Making people eat dried toads c. Wearing garlands of flowers to ward off bad smells
Putting butter, onion and garlic on wounds
Putting brussel sprouts up people’s noses
2) Elizabethans, just like us, thought farting was very rude. Which one of the two things below did they think was polite?
Burping after a meal to say you liked the food
Picking your nose to show you weren’t hiding anything in your nostrils
3) Elizabethans thought having pale hair and skin was a sign of wealth and beauty. Which one of the four things below did Elizabethans NOT do to make themselves pale and beautiful?
Bleach their hair with wee-wee
Bleed themselves with leeches
Cover their skin in poisonous lead
Scare each other by hiding in cupboards
4) Elizabethans used to throw sewage in the streets. As a result, water in streams and rivers was often dirty and full of disease. What did Elizabethans (even the kids!) sometimes drink instead of dirty water?
Wine and beer
Sausage milkshakes
5) Ever wondered why people say ‘Bless you’ when you sneeze? It was the Elizabethans who started it. What did they say it for?
They thought it stopped demons leaping into your mouth when you sneezed
They thought it stopped you sneezing out your stomach and splatting it over the wall
6) The Elizabethans were scared of witches. They blamed witches for famine, lost crops and sickness. They thought it was hard to find witches because they could turn into animals. Which of the following WERE NOT animals Elizabethans thought could be a witch in disguise?
Cats
Ravens
Elephants
Dogs
7) Elizabethans were very superstitious. Which one of the following did they believe gave you good luck?
Having a cat fart on you
Having a cow breathe on you
Having a dog slobber on you
8) The Elizabethans were great sailors. During the reign of Queen Elizabeth I the English adventurer Sir Frances Drake sailed around the world. Why did Elizabethan sailors wear big gold earrings?
So they could see each other in the dark
In case they lost their wallets and couldn’t pay for tea
So they could pay their way into the Underworld if they died at sea
ANSWERS
1) e. All of the others are true. Even the one about toads! No wonder the Elizabethans hated going to the doctor!
2) a. Belching after a meal showed the chef that you were satisfied with your food.
3) d. But they did use leeches, put wee in their hair and spread lead on their skin. The lead was poisonous, and often made them very ill.
4) a. Elizabethans would often drink ale and wine instead of water so they didn’t get sick. They didn’t drink milkshakes. Even sausage ones.
5) a. (No-one wants to swallow a demon).
6) c. The Elizabethans didn’t know much about elephants. The first elephant came to Britain in Roman times, but zoos weren’t common until the 1800s.
7) b. Elizabethans believed lots of other things were lucky too. Like spitting into a fire, or touching a man about to be executed.
8) c. It was believed that, after you died, you had to cross a river to get to the Underworld. The gold
was needed to pay the ferryman to take you across the river.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
William Shakespeare was one of the greatest writers who ever lived.
How many of these FUN FACTS about Shakespeare do you know? (Answers on here)
1) Shakespeare was born on 23 April 1564 in Stratford-upon-Avon near London. What happened in Stratford in the same week he was born?
Aliens invaded from the Planet Zapulet
There was an outbreak of bubonic plague (the Black Death)
2) Shakespeare’s dad, John, had lots of different jobs during his life. Which of the following did he NOT get paid to do?
Make gloves
Drink beer
Enforce the law
Eat cheese
3) It is rumoured that Shakespeare did something illegal when he was in his early 20s. What did he do that was so naughty?
Steal money
Steal animals
Steal underwear
4) When people went to see plays at the Globe, Shakespeare’s theatre, they usually had to stand up. They could walk around, talk to each other and buy fruit from vendors in the crowd. Apart from eating, what else did they use the fruit for?
Sleeping on if they got tired
Writing on if they forgot to bring a notebook
Throwing at the actors if the play was boring
5) In 1603 Queen Elizabeth I died and King James I became King of England. He appointed Shakespeare’s acting troupe as his official court performers. What did Shakespeare rename his troupe?
The King’s Men
The Royal Jesters
The Crown Creatives
The Silly Sausages
6) In 1613 the Globe Theatre burned to the ground. What happened?
A cannon blasted on stage set the roof to flames
Someone accidentally set fire to the theatre while lighting a cigar
An actor set fire to the theatre because he’d forgotten his lines
7) Shakespeare wrote more than 30 plays and 154 sonnets (14-line poems). Which of the following is a famous line from one of his Sonnets?
‘Shall I compare thee to a yellow rose?’
‘Shall I compare thee to a winter cloud?’
‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?’
‘Shall I compare thee to a smelly bottom?’
8) Shakespeare’s writing contains the first ever recorded use of over 2000 English words. Which one of the following words was NOT first used by Shakespeare?
Assassination
Excellent
Barefaced
Countless
Twitter
9) Shakespeare also invented lots of famous phrases and sayings, many of which are still used today. Which one of the following phrases was NOT invented by Shakespeare?
Vanish into thin air
As dead as a doornail
Make your hair stand on end
Ugly as a witch’s wart
As luck would have it
In a pickle
A sorry sight
10) Which planet’s moons are named after characters in Shakespeare’s plays?
Neptune
Jupiter
Uranus
Venus
Pluto
11) Shakespeare died on 23 April 1616. He left most of his worldly goods to his daughter, Susannah. What was the only thing he left his wife, Anne Hathaway?
His old slippers
His second-best bed
His collection of earwax
His third-best ruff
An old piece of string he borrowed from a friend
12) What was written on Shakespeare’s gravestone?
‘Curse be he who moves my bones’
‘Curse be he who reads my books’
‘Curse be he who says my name’
‘Curse be he who steals my socks’
13) Which of the following is an anagram of ‘William Shakespeare’?
I am a weakish speller
I am a weepy sleeper
I am a warty shaver
14) Some people claim that Shakespeare didn’t write his own plays. Which one of the following people has NEVER been suspected of writing them instead of him?
Christopher Marlowe, a famous playwright and poet
Sir Walter Raleigh, a famous explorer and politician
Francis Bacon, a famous scientist and philosopher
Me (the bloke who wrote this book!)
ANSWERS
1) b. Plague was very common in Elizabethan times. In 1665 the Great Plague killed a quarter of all the people who lived in London.
2) d. John Shakespeare eventually became High Bailiff of Stratford-upon-Avon, one of the most important positions in the town. When William Shakespeare was 12, his dad got into lots of trouble for lending money. Lending money was illegal.
3) b. He was accused of ‘poaching’ (stealing animals from someone else’s property).
4) c. The crowd would sometimes throw rotten fruit at the actors if they didn’t like the play.
5) a. The King’s blessing made Shakespeare’s actors highly respected. By the time Shakespeare died he was a wealthy man.
6) a. During a performance of ‘Henry VIII’ a cannon was blasted on stage. It set fire to the thatched roof and the theatre burned down!
7) c. Most of Shakespeare’s sonnets were about love.
8) e. Shakespeare used more than 17,000 words in his plays. Most people only use 2000 to 3000 words in their entire life! He was a very clever man.
9) d. He didn’t make up that phrase. I did.
10) c. Oberon, Puck, Titania, Ariel and Miranda are all moons of Uranus named after Shakespeare’s characters.
11) b. Shakespeare may not have had a close relationship with his wife. This is the only mention of her in any of his writings.
12) a. Most people were buried in graveyards in Shakespeare’s time. Because there was a shortage of space, people were sometimes dug up and the graves were reused! Shakespeare had this written on his gravestone to stop someone doing that to him.
13) a. Shakespeare may not have fussed much about spelling and grammar. He spelled his name differently on every signature of his that’s ever been found!
14) d. Lots of people have suggested Shakespeare didn’t write his own plays. We don’t know a lot about Shakespeare, and there isn’t loads of evidence that he did (although there is certainly enough). There is NO evidence that anyone else wrote his plays.
For more How To adventures, check out
How to Beat Genghis Khan in an Arm Wrestle
publishing in September 2016!
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Version 1.0
How to Stop an Alien Invasion Using Shakespeare
9780143780335
Text copyright © Nicholas Falk 2016
Illustration copyright © Tony Flowers 2016
The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted.
A Random House Australia book
Published by Random House Australia Pty Ltd
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www.randomhouse.com.au
Random House Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com/offices
First published by Random House Australia in 2016
National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication Entry
Author: Falk
, Nicholas
Title: How to Stop an Alien Invasion Using Shakespeare [electronic resource]
ISBN: 978 0 14378 033 5 (ebook)
Series: How To; 1
Target Audience: For primary school age
Subjects: Science fiction
Other Authors/Contributors: Flowers, Tony, illustrator
Dewey Number: A823.4
Cover and internal illustrations by Tony Flowers
Cover design by Rachel Lawston, www.lawstondesign.com