Breaking Without You: A Fractured Connections Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  I let out a shaky breath, willing the guys not to look up and meet my eyes. I knew I shouldn’t study them, shouldn’t look at them. But I hadn’t seen them in so long, even though I knew they had moved back to Denver.

  Everybody in our circle had known.

  There was Brendon, the eldest, and the one in a neatly cut suit. I knew he grieved. He had been friends with Allison just like his brothers. But I didn’t really know him all that well. I didn’t know how he felt, but I was glad he was here just the same.

  Because that meant Allison wasn’t alone.

  None of us were.

  Next to Brendon stood Aiden, his hair a little messy, grief clear on his face.

  I finally felt a tear fall and quickly wiped it away as Sienna squeezed my hand, letting out a sob of her own.

  Aiden and Allison had been the couple in high school and into college. They had eventually broken up, not because they hated each other, but because they hadn’t been right for each other. That was what Allison had always told me anyway, and I believed it. Aiden had moved on, maybe not to other women, but to other parts of his life. I knew he had gone to culinary school and was a chef somewhere now, but I hadn’t really heard much about him since he and Allison broke up.

  But now he was here, watching the first love of his life fade away into the darkness.

  Another boy was standing on his other side, an older teenager. He had the look of the Connollys, but I had never seen him before.

  After the Connollys’ father had passed away, I hadn’t known there were more foster brothers added to the family. The other three had been adopted in high school, though Aiden and his twin, Cameron, were biological brothers, as well. Maybe the boy I didn’t recognize wasn’t a brother at all. Perhaps he was just a friend. And maybe it was none of my business since I had no idea what they were all up to these days.

  My gaze traveled to the right of the young man, and my jaw tightened.

  The final brother.

  Cameron. That Cameron.

  The one that had broken my heart and walked away as if he hadn’t known that he held it at all. He still looked as sexy as ever with his dark hair brushed back from his face and his beard just past scruff. Today, he wore a suit just like his brothers, but I had never known Cameron to live in one like Brendon did. Even Aiden wore suits more than Cameron.

  Cameron was rough. Edgy. Dangerous.

  He was a man that I hated, the first man I had ever loved, the first for a lot of things. And he was here. In my presence. I wasn’t going to be selfish and make this all about me, but I hated that he was here. I didn’t like that I had to see him today of all days.

  But I would push that thought out of my head because today was not about me. It was all about Allison. Today was about my best friend.

  I pulled my gaze away from the Connollys and focused on what came next. We made our way to the cars and then to Allison’s parents’ house. All the while, a drum beat behind my eyes started, telling me that a migraine was coming on. I quickly popped a pill and then chugged the water that Sienna handed over to me without asking. I knew that I would be incapacitated later, but maybe it was something I deserved.

  I hadn’t had a migraine in over two weeks, but this one was coming for me soon. That much I knew. Though with everything that had happened, I was surprised that it hadn’t come on sooner.

  It was going to hurt, but maybe I needed that pain.

  We walked through the halls of the home that Allison had grown up in, the house we had all slept in a time or two. We had gotten ready for our junior prom here, although my sister had been in the grade below us and was only allowed to attend because she was going with a junior boy. Somehow, we had made it work so we could go to almost every dance together, even when we left Sienna behind in high school.

  Today I walked through these halls again, looking at the photos of a young Allison on the walls.

  My fingers traced the edge of one of the frames, and I let out a deep breath.

  Everything was going to be okay. Because it had to be. Life would move on. It always did.

  I just didn’t want it to move on without my best friend.

  I walked to where the food was, where everybody was gathered and talking. It wasn’t that the whispers had gotten any louder, but maybe it was just that I was finally listening.

  “I heard she took pills,” a voice said from far off in the distance.

  “Yes, then drowned herself in the bathtub,” another voice said, equally as vicious but still almost sickly sweet.

  “You know, I heard the police found no note. They don’t know how she did it. We don’t know exactly how she did it. And nobody knows why. Maybe her friends do.”

  I ignored that last voice, or at least I tried to.

  Then there was another.

  “You know, it does seem out of the blue. But maybe if we keep looking, we’ll see what happened. I mean, no one just does this.”

  I swallowed hard and then took a few steps away. My hands were shaking, and I tried not to listen to any more of the murmurs.

  Of course, there would be speculation. Of course, there would be whispers. Allison was bright and cheery and far more energetic than any of them or us.

  Gossip had run rampant when Harmony’s young husband died, but we had pulled through. We stood together as a team, the four of us, and made sure that Harmony knew that she was never alone.

  And I was going to do the same thing now. So, I took a few steps towards Sienna and Harmony. The three of us grabbed hands, standing in a circle that was one shy of what it used to be. It was odd. I could actually feel the distance between us growing because there wasn’t that fourth person in the circle, clasping hands as we always had.

  The actual physical representation of what we were now hit me a little too hard, and I blinked quickly. I had only shed that single tear, and I knew I couldn’t do any more.

  Not with all the eyes watching me. Not with all the whispers.

  Mace and Adrienne had gone home, not being able to stay for the wake because they still had to drive over an hour back to Daisy. My parents had gone as well, my father battling a cold. He would be fine, but I knew that the day had taken a lot out of him.

  All of them would have stayed for me and Sienna and Harmony if we needed it.

  But we had each other.

  We had each other.

  “They’re all talking about it,” Sienna murmured.

  “Just ignore it. It’s always best just to ignore it.” Harmony’s voice was a little shaky, but she held her chin high.

  “I hate it. I just want it to go away. I just want to go sit up in Allison’s old room and play a stupid board game like we used to.” I closed my eyes, the headache starting to push its way into my brain. I knew it would likely transform into something more soon, the lights getting a little too bright, the tastes in my mouth going bitter.

  “We need to get you home soon,” Sienna said. “I can tell a migraine is coming on.”

  “Yes, it’s going to suck. Let’s just stay for Allison’s parents for a little longer, see if there’s anything we can do for them. Then, I’ll go home and lick my wounds.”

  “I love you guys,” Harmony said, bringing both Sienna and me in for a hug. So I leaned on my friend and held my sister close. This wasn’t right. It wasn’t supposed to be just the three of us. I mean, I knew that it would be eventually, but when we were older—far older when we were watching over our grandchildren, maybe even our great-grandchildren if things worked out.

  We weren’t supposed to be doing this at such a young age.

  It wasn’t fair.

  But, as they say, life isn’t fair.

  Death shouldn’t be either.

  Allison’s mom called out for Harmony, and she squeezed my hand before walking off to join the other woman. One of the caterers needed help with something, and Sienna charged in to assist, not even bothering to see if anyone else would offer to help. That was my sister. Always there.

&
nbsp; That was my friends, we were always there for each other. Even if not all of us were here anymore.

  The headache was coming on strong, and my hands had started to shake. I knew I needed to leave soon. The others would understand if I left, even if I had been the one to say that I needed to stay. Because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to drive home soon if I didn’t go now. So, I went over to the coats, slid mine on, and ignored more of the whispers as people tried to catch my eye. They wanted to talk to the girl who had found Allison.

  I knew that much. But I had talked to the police, I had discussed things with Allison’s parents. I had shared with my friends. I had talked to everybody about what I had seen, detailing it so much that I knew I could probably say the words by rote without even showing a single emotion.

  Maybe that was for the best.

  Because I didn’t want to feel anything.

  Didn’t know if I really could.

  So, as I turned away from the whispers and the knowing looks, I told myself that I needed to go home. Of course, just as I thought that, I slammed into a large chest.

  A hard, familiar chest.

  Of course.

  “Violet,” Cameron whispered, his voice rough, that low, deep growl that I remembered vividly.

  “I—” I couldn’t finish the sentence.

  Because as soon as he wrapped his arms around me, the dam broke. Tears slid from my eyes, and I let out a low groan that I knew others might hear. Cameron surely did.

  In response, he let out a low curse that vibrated through my body and held me close. And I broke.

  The others might not be able to see me, but Cameron could. And, of all the people I could have broken in front of, of all the individuals that could have held me when I shattered into a thousand pieces, it just had to be him.

  He was the one who was there for me when I fractured.

  Of course, he was.

  Chapter Two

  Cameron

  I had expected some reaction the first time I truly saw Violet at the funeral, the first time that I spoke to her in what seemed like forever. I didn’t expect the reaction I got. My arms were around her, holding her close as she quietly wept against my chest. I hated when she cried. I’d hated it when we were younger, and I damned well sure hated it now.

  It didn’t matter that we were at a funeral and crying was sort of expected, I didn’t like to see her with tears in her eyes. I sure as hell didn’t like it when those tears seeped through the shirt of my suit. It all felt too real, and I didn’t want to feel anything real just then.

  “Come with me,” I whispered, pulling her towards the other end of the hallway.

  There was nobody near, but I knew that other people could probably hear. Violet was being pretty quiet, and I was doing my best to do the same, but some people probably knew that she was crying—on my chest. And the fact that they were already gossiping about numerous other things having to do with Allison meant that they would easily add something else to talk about.

  When people were hurting, when they were at a loss for what to do, they sometimes just talked. I understood that. Didn’t mean I liked it.

  I tugged Violet, lightly so she wouldn’t think I was manhandling her, and she thankfully started to move. Of course, if needed, I probably would’ve forcefully hustled her into another room just so she could breathe. Yes, I was an asshole, but it was for good reason.

  At least that’s what I told myself sometimes.

  “You can let it all out. I’m here.” I knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as I said it. She froze in my arms, so I closed the door behind us and gave her some space. She took a step back, blinking wildly.

  Her mascara and eyeliner had run down her cheeks, her nose was red, her face was splotchy. Violet had never been a pretty crier. That was something we both knew. Not that what I thought about her really meant anything anymore. After all, I had left. It didn’t matter that I’d had a good reason. I took off without a fucking word. So, I probably deserved the anger in her eyes now, and the fact that her hands were fisted by her sides. I probably deserved all of that and more.

  If her brother were here, Mace probably would’ve kicked my ass. Not only because of what I did in the past but because she’d been crying in my arms. Mace would’ve likely thought it was my fault.

  Because it was always my fault, it seemed. Though I deserved that.

  “I…I didn’t realize you were right there. I’m sorry for bumping into you. Thanks for getting me out of view of everyone else.” Her voice was cold, even though there was a bit of scratchiness to it that told me her crying was far from over.

  “I just happened to be the guy you ran into. Is there anything I can do?” She shook her head and wiped her face, looking as put-together and sexy as she always did. Damn sexy. She had been stunning and gorgeous when we were younger. Now, she was a fucking bombshell. It was really hard to remember that we were no longer a couple. And we wouldn’t ever be again. That was my fault, though. I knew that.

  Violet shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. It looked as if she might have a headache, but I couldn’t be sure. “I made a scene. I hate making scenes.”

  “You didn’t make a scene.”

  She rolled her eyes, finally looking more like herself than the red-eyed, crying girl that she had been just moments before. “Of course, I did. They all heard. They’ve been talking shit about Allison already. And probably about me, too. But I’m done. I need to go. Thank you for being there. Of course, it was you who was there. Of course, it had to be you, Cameron.”

  I didn’t know why, but as soon as she said my name, I straightened, swallowing hard. She’d said my name countless ways before, sometimes in anger, sometimes in lust, sometimes just with happiness.

  But, hearing it right then, I knew that I had missed it. Oh, I had known long before this, but with Violet right in front of me, it was easy to remember what life was like with her in it.

  And that was a damned shame because, from the look in her eyes, this was as close as we would ever get. But that’s all I wanted anyway. I had enough going on around me. I didn’t need to deal with Violet Knight and everything that we had dealt with in the past.

  “Do you need me to find your sister?”

  “I’m fine. Just fine. Go back to your brothers. Go back to your brewery. Just go back to the life that you so desperately craved. Because you’re not in mine, Cameron. I hope you remember that.”

  And then she walked out, slamming the door behind her. Okay, it wasn’t quite a slam because she obviously didn’t want to make a scene, but it was close. My head hurt. I was such a damned idiot. But I always had been, so there was nothing new about that.

  I followed Violet out of the room, wincing when I realized that we’d actually gone into the guest bedroom where people would have gotten the wrong idea if they’d seen us. Because they always jumped to conclusions when it came to us. Really, everything about me. Nobody trusted the Connolly brothers. They never had. And they probably never would. It didn’t matter that all of us had our own businesses, or at least we had at one point. It didn’t matter that we had all made something of ourselves and weren’t the same kids and teenagers we were when we first moved into the area.

  No, back then, we were just three kids who had been forced into a new family. We were just kids from the wrong side of the tracks. And it didn’t matter that most of us had money now, we were still trying to figure out how to leave a legacy that wasn’t ours to give.

  And now I was thinking way too hard about something that really had nothing to do with me anymore.

  Because while I might be back in Denver, it didn’t mean I’d be back forever.

  Well, maybe I would be. I didn’t really know, and that was probably why I had a headache. That and the fact that I had just watched a girl I’d known, one that had fallen in love with my twin brother back in high school, being lowered into the ground. She was dead, and I didn’t even remember the last thing I’d said to h
er. It wasn’t like she and I were friends, at least not recently. We hadn’t really seen each other at all since I walked out of Violet’s life—and out of my brothers’ lives for that matter.

  I’d seen Allison once or twice, maybe at the grocery store or the bar. But we hadn’t really spoken. I hadn’t been her friend over the past few years. But she hadn’t been mine either.

  I didn’t know why I felt shame crawling up my neck at that or when I thought about the fact that I hadn’t really thought about Allison much at all since I left. I had enough crap to deal with. I also had much more on my mind than I once had.

  My brothers were waiting by the door for me, giving me odd looks. When Aiden handed my coat to me, I shoved it on. We said our goodbyes and paid our respects to Allison’s family before jumping into Brendon’s SUV.

  Brendon had driven because he was more of a control freak than the rest of us. Not that that was saying much since we were all a bit controlling. It just hadn’t made sense to take more than one car when we were all coming from and going back to the same place.

  Aiden sat in front with Brendon, not even looking at me. My own twin brother, my flesh and blood, not even giving a damn. Maybe he cared too much, and it hurt to look. It was hard to confront a person that was your mirror-image and yet not know them at all.

  We’d been close as hell when we were really young. And then we’d been pulled apart because the system hadn’t worked well enough to get both of us in one place. I hadn’t seen my twin for years, hadn’t known if he was okay, hadn’t even been able to write.

  It wasn’t as if they gave foster kids the addresses of where their relatives went. It didn’t matter that Aiden and I were twins, they’d split us up anyway.

  It wasn’t until Jack and Rose Connolly came into our lives that Aiden had come back into mine. Jack and Rose, yes, just like the couple from Titanic. They had adopted three boys all at once. We’d started off as fosters, but then we’d taken their name. Brendon was the oldest, though not by much. And then came me, and then Aiden. I remembered joking that I was the older twin, therefore, the wisest one.