Breaking Without You: A Fractured Connections Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “I think they taste just fine, Aiden,” Harmony said, dipping her chip into some sour cream. “I mean, yours are better, we all know that because you are a god of cooking, but these aren’t bad.”

  “Yes, because whenever you want to think about good food that brings people in, you want the phrase ‘not bad’ as part of that.” Aiden let out a sigh and stood up, a little wobbly. Okay, apparently, we might’ve been on drink six. I wasn’t really sure anymore. “I should go back there and tell them what they’re doing wrong.”

  I reached out over Sienna and tugged on my twin’s arm. “No, you can do that tomorrow. When we’re sober, probably hungover, and not acting like assholes. Don’t go back there when you’re drunk and start yelling at people. Number one, it’s probably not the best thing for our staff to see us like this when they’re working and we’re not, and number two, it’s probably going to break like thirty health laws. So, don’t fuck up and just sit down.”

  Aiden glowered at me before doing as I suggested. “Well, that’s all nice and dandy for you, but at least you have someone running the bar when you’re not there, someone who actually knows what the fuck he’s doing.”

  I turned as Aiden lifted his beer in cheers toward Beckham. The bearded bartender just rolled his eyes and toasted with his bottle of water. Thankfully, Beckham didn’t drink when he was on duty. The bartender who worked with Beckham before I came back had done a few too many taste-tests throughout the evening. So much, in fact, that he was basically a drunk loser who spent all his time trying to get wasted with the college co-eds instead of actually working.

  I had fired him quickly, and Beckham had done his best to pick up the slack when I was trying to figure out my way in the new place. I knew Jack hadn’t wanted things to go downhill, but he had been sick, and there was only so much he could do on his own after Rose died.

  And my brothers and I hadn’t been here to help.

  So, it was my fault that everything was like it was now. And we were going to fix it. I just hated the fact that we were changing everything to make it happen. Because there had to be some things that Jack loved that had worked out. No, the food wasn’t as good as it used to be, and that was because of the old cooks that we used to have. And maybe one of the current ones we still had if the nachos were anything to go by tonight.

  And, no, we didn’t have some of the new craft beers that I wanted. But I was getting some of them in and using some of my connections back in California to get it done. A lot of the local bars had the Denver local brews because it was Colorado and we were sort of at the center of the whole thing. But I wanted something different. So, I would try to get some of the Colorado brews, and some of the California ones. It was harder than it sounded, but I was making it happen.

  Brendon, however, was doing his best to try and get people here in snazzy ways. Ways I really wasn’t in the mood for. But it wasn’t my place to say anything. It was never my place to say.

  “You know, that wing night I’m working on, that’s going to be good for us. We just need to get the word out.” Brendon chugged the rest of his beer and then stood up. “Speaking of wing night, let’s go play pool.”

  I snorted, finishing the last of my beer. “How the hell do those two things go together?”

  “They do because I say they do.” Brendon raised his chin and held out his arm as if he were a duke in the Regency era. “My lady, does thou want to play pool?”

  Dear God, my brother was an idiot. A very big idiot.

  “You’re drunk,” Harmony said, laughing as she stood up. But she put her hand on his arm anyway and did a little curtsy as if she were wearing one of those long dresses, even though she was in jeans. “I would love to beat your ass at pool.”

  “Those are fighting words, my lady.”

  “My lady?” Aiden asked. “Seriously?” He looked down at Sienna and glowered. “You want to go beat their asses, short stack?”

  Sienna blinked. “Seriously? Harmony gets my lady, and I get short stack? Why don’t you just call me the lovely troll or the court jester at this point?” Sienna tossed her hair back from her shoulders and stood up, pushing past Aiden to get to the pool area.

  I looked over at Violet, who was laughing behind her beer at the four of them. “So, you want to play?”

  “What? I’m not a fair lady or even a court jester? I’m just a whatever?” She finished her beer and set the glass down.

  “Well, you’re Violet. Figured us going over there and kicking their asses as a duo was probably better than watching them fall all over each other because they’re too drunk to actually see where the ball is.”

  “I don’t think Harmony is drunk. In fact, I think that’s her first beer from earlier, and she’s just doing tequila shots.”

  I looked over at the table, noticing that, yes indeed, that was Harmony’s first beer from earlier. It was probably all warm and disgusting now, but I didn’t think that Harmony minded since she wasn’t really drinking it.

  “Well, she can beat us all, but I can’t just let my brothers go in there and be idiots alone.”

  She snorted. “So, you have to be an idiot with them?”

  I scooted my chair back and stood up, holding out my hand. “Pretty much. Let’s go, Violet.”

  “I guess.” She slid her hand into mine, and it was as if she’d always been there, as if there hadn’t been a time where she wasn’t in my life. But I knew that wasn’t the case. I knew I had hurt her. I’d even hurt her recently. I was the asshole here, and I always would be.

  “We have to make sure that at least Brendon doesn’t win. Because he always gets the most arrogant when he does.” I whispered the words, knowing the others would be able to hear.

  “Oh, I remember. You and Aiden are pretty arrogant yourselves, though.” Violet looked down at our clasped hands, and I realized that I hadn’t let go of her yet. “I thought I said that we wouldn’t be near each other. That you needed to go.” She murmured the words, but I still heard them.

  “I’m not good at doing what I’m supposed to.”

  “I guess I’m pretty much the same.”

  I let go of her hand as we entered the pool room and went for our cues. Somehow, we were just drunk enough to make a game with six people. Considering that there were only stripes and solids, it didn’t make any sense, and Harmony had declared herself the winner even though Sienna was the one who had taken to standing on a chair, raising her arms, and fisting her hands in the air.

  And that’s when I knew that we were beyond drunk and probably needed to go home.

  Thankfully, Beckham saw us and laughed as he held up his hands for our phones.

  “Okay, folks, I’m going to call you guys some ride shares, and then you are going home. Don’t forget to drink a glass of water while you’re waiting, and then another before you go to bed. And some aspirin then and when you wake up. Because I do not want to hear you all grumbling tomorrow that you’re all hungover and bitchy.” He looked over at the girls. “I’m actually talking about the men, not you.”

  “I assumed when you said bitchy, you were talking about Aiden,” Sienna said very seriously.

  Aiden, for some reason, found that hysterically funny and couldn’t stop laughing. I looked over at my twin, wondering when I’d actually heard him laugh last. It had to have been years ago. But, maybe, if I’d actually lived in the same state as he did, I would’ve heard it before this. Damn, I missed it. I’d missed so much. I’d stayed away because Dillon needed me, but I hadn’t wanted to leave. And, frankly, I’d been scared to come home. I’d fucked up more than once, and I didn’t want to do it again.

  So, just hanging out with my friends and my brothers, maybe that was the first step—or at least a step in the right direction.

  I helped clean up the pool area and went back to the front of the bar, making sure everything was cleaned up. We were the last ones in the place, and Beckham just shook his head as he shooed everyone out.

  “I got it, boss. You nev
er get drunk or actually have fun these days. You’re allowed to do it now. Nobody else really saw you like that, only me.”

  I nodded, holding out my hand for the other man. “Thanks, Beck. No one really needs to see us like this.”

  Beckham shook my hand and gave me a tight nod. “Well, sometimes, you just need a day where you can breathe. I know today must’ve been hard for the girls, and you guys. I didn’t know Allison, but I can see from the way you guys are grieving for her that she must’ve been a good person.”

  I swallowed hard, my throat tight. “She was one of the best.” I hadn’t been here to know who she had become these past years, but it still didn’t make any sense that the smiling girl that I had known wasn’t here anymore.

  But that was the thing with death, nothing made sense.

  Beckham got cars for everybody, and somehow, Violet ended up in mine. I didn’t really know how that had happened, but Beckham had a way about him. Either he was an idiot, or he was trying to get on my good side. Not that I actually knew if this would be good. For all I knew, this would mess everything up even more.

  “Why am I at your house?” Violet asked as we got out of the ride share’s car. I did my best to focus on giving the man a tip before helping Violet into the house. “I think Beckham’s weird.”

  “Or you and Beckham have serious plans that did not involve telling me about them.” She raised her chin and sauntered into my living room.

  I did my best to keep my gaze off her ass, but it was very hard when she was wearing tight leggings that just seemed to mold to her butt. I really, really liked her curves, had liked them before, and I liked them even more now.

  I looked around my living room, hoping I had cleaned it up at least a little bit, and then looked down at Dillon’s shoes in the entryway. Shit. I had forgotten. I forgot that I wasn’t alone in this house.

  “Uh, we need to be quiet, Dillon’s here.”

  She rolled her eyes and glared. “What do we have to be quiet about? Am I here for nefarious purposes?”

  I snorted. And then I went up to Violet and framed her face with my hands. “We’re too drunk. Way too drunk.”

  “Of course, we are. I think being drunk’s the only way I can actually think.”

  And because I knew it was a mistake, I let it happen anyway. I lowered my head and brushed my lips across hers, just a caress, for just a moment.

  I had missed this. Missed this more than anything.

  And when she didn’t move away, I kissed her again.

  This is what I’d been missing. Violet.

  It’d always been her.

  And I knew there was no way that she would let me continue doing this. Knew that there was no way that this was the right decision.

  So I kissed her.

  Because I had to.

  Chapter Nine

  Don’t make any mistakes. Unless they’re with me. Then that’s fine.

  - Allison in a text to Violet

  Violet

  My head was fuzzy, and it wasn’t just because of the liquor in my system. No, it was because of the man in front of me, the one who currently had his lips pressed to mine. This was such a mistake. This was beyond a mistake. I should have found a way to get into my own ride share and gone home on my own.

  But when Beckham asked me on the way back to the pool room if I wanted to get into Cameron’s car or go home alone, I had said that, of course, I wanted to go with Cameron.

  Yes, I was drunk, and I was making poor decisions. But, apparently, Beckham thought he was a matchmaker. And he hadn’t wanted me to be forced into a situation I wasn’t comfortable with.

  So, yes, while he was a nice man, I was still going to beat him up. Just like I was going to hurt Cameron.

  But all thoughts of that fled my mind when Cameron’s hand slid through my hair to cup the back of my head and pull me closer to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my body against his as I kissed him even harder. I had forgotten what his kisses felt like. I had forgotten what he felt like. Yes, he was larger than he had been even seven years ago, more muscular, a little sharper-edged. But he still felt like Cameron.

  My Cameron.

  Yes, I was drunk, but I wasn’t drunk enough to actually think that he was mine.

  Yet I couldn’t stop kissing him.

  I just wanted to feel. I just wanted to be. I didn’t want to think about Allison, I didn’t want to think about work, I didn’t want to think about my ex-husband and his new wife, I didn’t want to think about the fact that I still had to worry about the rest of Allison’s stuff.

  I didn’t want to think about what life would be like without her.

  So, I just kissed Cameron. I knew it was selfish, knew this was all a mistake.

  But I didn’t stop.

  He was the one that pulled away first. And then he leaned his forehead against mine and let out a ragged breath.

  “What are we doing?” he asked, his voice rough.

  “I don’t know, but I want to keep doing it.”

  He pulled back, his brows lowered as he frowned.

  “If we do this, it’s going to change everything. We’re not kids anymore.”

  “It meant something when we were kids too, though. And I just want to feel. I know it’s all complicated, and I know that this is wrong and stupid. But I have just enough liquor in me to make me brave enough to say it, though not enough where I’ll be taking advantage of you, or you’ll be taking advantage of me.”

  He studied my face. “I would say that that’s just the right amount of liquor, the right amount of drunk. But I can’t take advantage of you.”

  I moved closer, impossibly close, so we were pressed against one another and I could feel the hard ridge of him on my thigh. “Personal advantage here. It’s just you and me. And you’re helping me feel. I miss feeling. Can you do that? We can deal with the tomorrows tomorrow. We can deal with everything that’s going to hurt. But I just miss people. I miss being held. I just miss it all.”

  I miss you.

  I didn’t say that. I couldn’t. Because I was afraid if I did, Cameron would see too much. Because I still loved him, and I hated that. Maybe it was a different kind of love, maybe it wasn’t the part that meant I was in love with him. I had moved on from that and pieced myself back together after he left. And though he’d apologized and groveled, I didn’t know if that was enough yet.

  But it was just enough that I could want to lean into him, and I needed to be held. And maybe I was taking advantage of him, but from the way his eyes darkened and the way he let out a slow growl, I knew that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. Hell, I could feel how hard he was, yes, he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.

  I didn’t say anything else just then, and I knew it was because, if we spoke, we would just break the bubble that meant everything would be okay, and that this was just for right now. Because it wasn’t going to be. There would be ramifications, but we would deal with them tomorrow.

  My head was swimming, the mixture of the booze and Cameron filling me up, so I just closed my eyes and leaned into him as he took my lips again. He tasted of beer, a little tequila, and even some nachos. He just tasted of Cameron. I loved it. Or at least I had loved it. Maybe I just missed it.

  Maybe I just missed touching.

  I had been married since I was last with Cameron, I’d been in other relationships. Cameron wasn’t my only, far from it, but he had been my first love, my first everything.

  So, having him hold me right then felt like coming home a bit.

  There was a reason that taking advantage was something that happened.

  Sometimes, you just needed.

  So, I kissed him back, wanting more, needing more.

  “If we’re going to do this, we can’t do it out here. Dillon could walk in at any moment.”

  This. He was talking about sex. Something that I was also talking about. Okay, I could do this. I’d had sex before. I’d had lots of sex. I’d had lots of sex with
Cameron before. This wouldn’t be anything new. It wasn’t going to be scary. It would be exactly what I needed.

  And I was going to thank God that I had just enough booze in my system just then so I could make this happen. Because it’s what I needed. What I wanted.

  “I forgot about Dillon.”

  Cameron let out a rough chuckle. “You make me forget about a lot of things.” And then he leaned down, put his arm under my legs, and lifted me up to his chest. I let out a little screech and put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t get any louder. I didn’t want to wake up Dillon, an eighteen-year-old boy who would know exactly what his brother and I were doing. I did not need to deal with that embarrassment anytime soon.

  Cameron grinned, and he looked just like his younger self. No worries. And that’s what we both needed. Just us.

  I knew that the word us held baggage far beyond just two letters put together to make a word. But I was going to ignore all of that. And because I had enough alcohol in my system, I could.

  And so, I let my hand go and brushed the back of my fingers along his bearded cheek. His jaw was defined, square and a little angular. It had been that way before, but now it looked even more masculine.

  And while he and Aiden might be twins, I had always loved the way Cameron looked more. Maybe because he smiled more. Perhaps because I loved the way Cameron looked at me. He had always looked at me as if I were the best thing that had ever happened to him. I had never really believed that. Never really thought that I could ever be that for anybody. But it had been true, even in the short time that we were together.

  Cameron wasn’t looking at me exactly like that now, but I understood that he would never do that. Because we weren’t who we were before. We were who we were now, and I was just going to live in the moment, just be with him with his arms around me. He carried me down the hallway, both of us quiet and looking at each other. Neither of us wanted to wake up his brother and ruin the moment. Neither of us wanted to say anything or think too hard and ruin the moment that way either.