Breaking Without You: A Fractured Connections Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “The guys don’t mind that you’re out here today?” I asked as we made our way back.

  He shrugged. “I’m working tonight, and this way, it gives the three of us a little more breathing room.”

  I winced. “Things aren’t working out all that well right now?”

  “Things are pretty much sucking, but we’ll figure it out.”

  “Are you talking about the bar itself or your brothers?” I had waited to ask more about this because I wasn’t sure I would be privy to the knowledge. After all, Cameron and I hadn’t really been dating all that long, and I didn’t want to pry when it wasn’t my business. But now we were a couple. Now, we were trying to figure out what exactly we were to each other and move in a new direction that neither of us really knew anything about. And that meant I needed to know his fears, his wants, and his desires. I needed to know if he was dealing with anything in his life that was hurting him. Because, somehow, I wanted to find a way to fix it. Or at least be there for him. He had been there for me so many times since he came back from California. Now, it was my turn to try and help. Hopefully.

  “A little bit of both.” He shook his head as I reached to help him with the bag when we got back to the SUV. We were the only people in the small lot that really wasn’t a lot. It was behind a gate for no trespassing, but I was allowed in here with my grant. Meaning, no one would be around if we wanted to talk about something that Cameron didn’t want to be overheard saying. “I’ve got it.”

  “Okay. Now, do you want to tell me exactly what you mean by that?”

  “The fact that I’ve got it? Yeah, let’s talk about the bag itself.” He put my equipment in the back of the SUV and shook his head. “Do I have anything else? Not really. Yes, well, I’m not really going to touch on the fact that you and I are trying to figure out who we are. Because that…that’s something that we’re working on together. As for my brothers and the bar? I have no idea. We’re trying to save Jack’s place. It’s just not easy when I don’t think the three of us really know what we want to do with it. And a lot of it’s out of our hands. A lot of it has to do with the fact that it is the food service industry and it’s not easy.”

  “And I guess you have to deal with the fact that you guys really haven’t been in the same place for long, at least not at the same time.” I was trying to dip my toes into the waters and not cause waves, but I wanted to help. I really loved the Connolly brothers, and I hated seeing them hurting.

  “I’m not a hundred percent sure what we’re doing. But that’s pretty much been the case for a while now. The three of us—four of us if you include Dillon and, frankly, we need to include Dillon—are trying to figure it out. I’m just not good about doing that all the time.”

  I reached out and squeezed his hand, and he gave me a small smile before continuing.

  “Aiden and I fucked each other up. But we were always like that. It was mostly to do with our mom at first, and the fact that I went to Mom because of some misguided notion that she needed me. That hurt him. And I know it’s not the case, but I have a feeling that he thought I chose her over him. Hell, it’s not just a feeling, he told me straight to my face that’s how he felt. I was an asshole, a real big asshole.”

  “But you also wanted to help your mom. And then you had Dillon.”

  “I did. And I’m never going to regret going out to California. I can’t.” He looked at me, and I nodded, swallowing hard. “I will always regret how I handled getting there. Hurting you? Dumbest mistake of my fucking life. And I’m never going to truly forgive myself for that. And I shouldn’t.”

  “But we’re moving on from that,” I said firmly. “Because we have to.”

  “And that’s something I know that you are far too gracious about. But, thank you.” He kissed me hard and then continued. “But I fucked it up with Aiden, and Brendon, too. That much I know. I’m trying to fix it, I just don’t know exactly how to do it. We need to sit down and talk, but we’re too busy yelling at each other most times to actually get it done. And then there’s the whole elephant in the room. Dillon himself.”

  “Because he’s not a little kid anymore. He’s a man, even if eighteen doesn’t feel old enough to be a man.”

  Cameron snorted. “Don’t I know it. That kid can vote and fight and die for our country, but I still want to wrap him up in bubble wrap and make sure that nothing harms him. And at the same time, I want to kick his ass because we keep making stupid mistakes.”

  “You sound like a big brother, maybe even a little bit like a dad.” I whispered that last part, having not really meant to say it.

  “We do have this weird relationship. And we’re working it out. Dillon’s a good kid. Or man, I guess. But we’re figuring it out. It’s just not easy sometimes when we’re constantly butting heads with each other, yet still trying to be on the same side when it comes to Aiden and Brendon. Because I hate the fact that there are sides at all.”

  “If there’s anything I can do, just let me know. I hate seeing you guys hurting like this.”

  “I hate seeing it, too. And we’re going to fix it. Because there’s no other option, damn it. Dillon’s my brother, but so are Aiden and Brendon. The four of us will just have to find a way to be a happy fucking family. And if I knew how to do that, we would already have it in the bag. So, just one thing at a fucking time.” He shook his head, and I smiled at him, going on my tiptoes to kiss his jaw.

  “You’re pretty amazing, Cameron Connolly. I just hope you know that.”

  “Yeah? How amazing am I?”

  His hands reached around and grabbed my ass again, bringing me close to him. So close, in fact, I could feel the hard line of his erection pressing into my belly through his jeans and my shirt.

  “Cameron Connolly, are you thinking what I think you’re thinking?”

  “You know it could probably ease all my hurts if you just kept kissing me. You know, kiss me to make it better.”

  “First, that’s a low blow. Second, I have a feeling that you’re not actually talking about kissing your lips.”

  He grinned and looked down at his crotch. I laughed. “Cameron.”

  “You told me yourself that no one would be here. Why don’t we steam up the windows like we used to?”

  “Really? That’s your line? Steaming up the windows?” I pressed my thighs together because it was indeed a very damn good line.

  “What?” he asked, acting all innocent. There was nothing innocent about him, and that’s how I liked it.

  “Fine. I will have sex with you in the car. But we’re using the back seat and not the front one like we did that one time because I hit the horn with my back, remember? And then we woke up that dog that started barking, and then we were afraid that the cops were going to come. It was a whole thing.”

  He started laughing and then picked me up quickly. I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him.

  “I was kidding. We don’t actually have to have sex out here.”

  I smacked him on the back of the head softly. “No, no, I want you right now. And you’re the one who teased me. So, we’re going to be very gentle so that we don’t hurt the car.”

  “Hurt the car?”

  “Or anything inside the car. We’re not kids anymore.”

  “Yeah, I am pretty old. I don’t think my back’s going to be able to take it.”

  “So, I’ll be gentle. Now, get me into that car and let’s do it.”

  “Ah, yes, so sweet. Very innocent.”

  “You’re the one who started all of this.”

  “No, you did. Just by being you.”

  I ignored the way that my heart clutched just a little. I still didn’t know exactly what the two of us were doing, but I was really enjoying this part. I enjoyed how it made me feel all warm like there wasn’t anything hard in the world that we couldn’t handle.

  Because it wasn’t easy, and it never had been. Cameron had always had shadows, and I hadn’t always known how to help. Sleeping with Camero
n wasn’t going to fix everything, it wasn’t going to make everything better, but sex was never easy either. It was a connection, and it meant something to us.

  Plus, I had missed him. And I liked the way we were now. So, even though I was looking into the past, I was also looking at the present and to the future.

  And then I let all of those thoughts move out of my brain as he kissed me, this time deeply, and seriously.

  “If you’re sure,” he whispered against my lips.

  “With you? Totally.”

  He smiled and kissed me again. Somehow, the two of us got into the back of the car, my jeans down to my knees, his as well, though it hadn’t been easy to get there. His mouth was on my breast, my shirt completely off, and my bra on the floor behind the driver’s seat. He hovered over me, his dick covered in a condom, slowly working in and out of me as we moaned. It was soft, sweet, and still a little awkward since we were indeed in the back of an SUV, and Cameron was not a small man.

  I couldn’t exactly wrap my legs around him since we hadn’t bothered to take off our shoes, but I still arched into him, running my hands down his back, sweat making it slick and easy for me to pull him closer.

  And when I came, he came with me, and everything felt like maybe this could work.

  Because, yes, we had made mistakes, and we would probably make more of them, but we were learning more about each other every day. Learning who we were. And we were taking those steps together. It was hard to trust, hard to truly believe that nothing was going to happen again in the future that might hurt me, hurt us. But I didn’t think he’d leave me again, not like he had. We had both made promises that if this didn’t work out, we would walk away together, but both of our eyes would be wide-open the whole time.

  And I had to trust in that. Because if I didn’t, then what was the point of this?

  As he kissed me again, slowly working me to my peak once more even though he had already finished, I knew that this was a different Cameron than the one I had fallen in love with before. Then again, I was a different Violet.

  We weren’t the people we were, and maybe that was good. Because those people had been unsure, and they had been hurt. I just hoped that the people we had become didn’t hurt each other in the end.

  When he kissed me again, and we cleaned each other up, I smiled at him, hoping against all hope that this could work. Because I had fallen in love with Cameron Connolly once before, and he had shattered me into a million pieces.

  And I knew if I let myself love him again, it would hurt worse to lose him.

  Then again, it could feel even better while I had him.

  And that was the hope I clung to.

  That was the hope that made me think that this could actually work.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Cameron

  Tonight was not going to suck. And if I kept telling myself that, it would actually go well. It was wing night part deux.

  At least that’s what Brendon kept calling it. I just kept thinking it was everything that we had hoped for all thrown into a bucket of doom.

  Or maybe something a little more poetic, but I kind of sucked at the whole poetry thing.

  That reminded me, I should probably send flowers or something to Violet. What did one do after you had some of the best sex of your life in the back of an SUV like you were teenagers rather than heading into your thirties?

  There had to be a hallmark card for that. There was a card for everything, maybe even a special flower. Nothing like red roses or anything. Maybe something purple. Was purple the color for car sex?

  Oh, good. Come on, let’s find me officially losing my damn mind.

  Because there was no way my thoughts should be on random colors for car sex when tonight was wing night part deux, and I was afraid I was going to fuck everything up again.

  Okay, not just me. The Connolly brothers were really good at fucking things up as a group. But I wasn’t going to let that happen. I was not going to let our lack of communication and our issues with wanting to deal with the things that were actually right in front of us be a problem.

  We were going to talk it out. We were going to make wing night work. And I was going to actually eat some bar food and enjoy life.

  I was not going to let the business fail.

  None of us were.

  “You’re looking a little green over there,” Dillon said, his voice soft. Soft and yet there was still humor in it. That just made me smile, and I shook my head.

  “Green?”

  Dillon shrugged. “You know, nervous. I guess green’s envious. Or maybe you ate the wings and are feeling a little nauseous?” He grinned as he said it, and we looked around the office, making sure no random customer had come to the back for some reason to overhear that.

  “Shut your mouth. Don’t let anyone else hear you joke about the food. The last thing we need is people not wanting the wings because of what you just said. And I’m not going to repeat what you just said because we’re not going to let that happen.”

  “You really just confused me. But, anyway, you doing okay? Can I help?”

  See? That was why I liked this kid. He may be slightly immature, may still need to figure out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life, but he was caring. He was not the product of our mother. He was just Dillon. And for that, I was grateful. I just wished that Aiden and Brendon could see it.

  “Just nervous. Like always.”

  “Well, isn’t your girl and the others coming? That should make you feel better.” Dillon waggled his brows, and I just shook my head.

  “Having Violet here will be nice, but three extra people eating wings won’t really tip the bank scales. So, let’s just cross our fingers that everything works out okay.”

  Dillon shrugged again. “There’s a few people in, at least more than usual. I’m not quite sure since I haven’t been here that long. Beckham’s working, and I figured you’d be out there. They have me waiting tables tonight. Apparently, I’m training or something.” He used his fingers to make air quotes when he said the word training, and I just shook my head.

  “Yes, training. You need to learn how to work every part of the bar and restaurant.”

  I looked at him, frowning. “You’re family, Dillon. When we were younger, we all learned every single part of this place. I always sucked at the cooking, but Aiden was damn good at it. Aiden hated working with people at the bar, but I liked that part. Brendon didn’t like either but really liked working things from behind the scenes. So, let’s see where you fit in.” I paused. “That’s if you want to. Fit in, that is.”

  Dillon shoved his hands into his pockets. “I don’t know, man. It’s not easy trying to figure out where I fit in, or if I will. And you know I hate actually talking about my feelings, so let’s not actually talk about them, okay?”

  I shook my head. “Today, we will not talk about your feelings if you don’t want to. Mostly because you’ve got a thousand other things to do. But, soon, we’ll be talking about it. Because, yes, we filled out the college forms, and hopefully you’re going to get in, and everything’ll be fine. But that’s just gen-ed classes. What do you love to do? What’s your passion?”

  “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be busing tables and possibly waiting on them.”

  “So, figure it out while you’re in school. You have a couple of years or so of gen-ed classes, I would assume. Maybe start off in like the business sector or something? That should maybe give you the broadest options.” And then I shook my head. “Brendon would probably know more about that, but he’s helping you, right?” I knew that Brendon and Dillon had been talking more. I just didn’t know what about since neither of them told me anything, and I didn’t want to push. Well, now I was pushing.

  “Yeah, he’s helping. He read over my essays after you did and added a few more notes for me.” Dillon held up his hands. “Not that you didn’t help me out completely but, apparently, Brendon has a way with words or something.”

  I just
smiled. “No, Brendon helped me with my school papers, too. He’s a year older, remember? So, he had already gotten into college when Aiden and I were applying. He helped Jack and Rose and me figure out exactly what I needed to say. I’m glad he’s helping you. He knows what he’s doing.” I paused again. “At least, usually. I think this bar is just stressing all of us the fuck out so much that we’ve all lost the ability to know exactly what we’re supposed to be doing.”

  “You’ll figure it out. You always do. You were really good at the place you owned back in California. And I know you made a shit-ton of money off it so you could come out here.”

  The kid grinned, and I rolled my eyes much like he did.

  “It was not a shit-ton. But it was comfortable enough that I could help you with school. So, just don’t fuck up. That way, I won’t waste my money.”

  “I’ll do my best. But no pressure or anything.”

  “Yeah. No pressure at all.” I ruffled his hair like I had done when he was a little kid, and he pulled back, laughing. That was when Aiden and Brendon walked into the office, their brows raised. Brendon looked like he was smiling, but Aiden looked like he had no idea what to do. That was something I would have to fix. I just didn’t know how to do it.

  “We ready?” I asked, rubbing the back of my neck. “At least, I hope we’re ready, right?”

  “We’re ready. The printer and the publicity people that I worked with this time got the word out. And I know I said I was going to work on all of it myself, but that’s just not feasible. I trusted different people this time, people that actually worked directly with me rather than against me. So, there are people coming in, and there better be some amazing wings.”

  Aiden shrugged. “Of course, there’re good wings. And tapas. Because I don’t really give a flying shit if you say tapas are too fancy. We’re changing this place for the better, and yes, it’s wing night, but we are not just some sports bar with no name and no ability to actually draw people in. It’s going to be damn good food, and they’re going to like it. They’re going to come in for the gimmick, and then they’re going to like the damn food, and then they’ll come back. Because it’s the only way we’re going to make this happen.”