Just an Illusion - Unplugged

by D. Kelly

  And there it is—the higher calling he believes in more than anything.

  “Noah, I’m not trying to shit on your sunny day, but when we got home from Vegas a week ago, Mel stormed out on you for even mentioning the prospect of living together in a year. What makes you think this is the best idea?”

  “It’s probably not, and that’s why I’m not giving it to her now. This incident has bonded us in ways I never expected. I feel it. I’m going to hold onto the ring until the time is right, and you’ll be the first to know when it is. This wasn’t a Wyatt-versus-Sawyer thing, or a me-being-upset-with-you thing, it was a me-and-the-universe thing. Damn, Sawyer, I know I haven’t said anything, but I’ve barely been awake much the past week. I’m extremely thankful for you taking charge of things, for putting the label in their place, for taking care of Mel and me.”

  “It’s not a big deal. You’d do it for me.”

  “Are you kidding? You’d rather never sing again than deal with blood, but you’ve been taking care of Mel’s nasty fucking wound for a week. You step up when it matters, Sawyer, you always have, and I can’t imagine a time when you won’t.”

  “You would still do it for me.”

  “Maybe, but I’ve learned some things about myself lately that I don’t like. Now I seem to question everything.”

  What in the world is he talking about? Noah is the best person I’ve ever known.

  “Like what?”

  “I’m selfish.”

  I scoff at that, but he shakes his head sadly. “It’s true.”

  “Says the man who just wrote a check for a hundred grand to a psychopath’s family.”

  “Big fucking deal. The swipe of a pen against paper that won’t make one bit of a difference in my bank account in the long run. I’m talking about things that matter.”

  “Are you okay? Seriously, should I take you to the doctor? Everything you do matters. What has you on edge? Aside from the obvious concussion.”

  I’m worried about him. He’s tense and fidigity and keeps furrowing his brows.

  “I’m jealous. I’ve never been a jealous person.”

  Oh, now we’re getting somewhere. After a sip of my scotch, I give him the unvarnished truth.

  “You’re only jealous because of my feelings for her.”

  “You admit them when you’re drunk, of course.”

  “No, I’m admitting them because they’re over. Mel’s just a good person, and it’s hard not to be enamored by that. She’s also a hundred percent in love with you, and no one else is even visible in her orbit but you. You’re going to marry this girl, Noah. She’s going to be my sister-in-law. That’s not something I would ever take lightly.”

  “I know, but it’s not just you. I see how other men look at her. I get jealous when she’s doing her interviews with Wyatt and Darren too.” Whoa, that’s different. “See, I know, it’s crazy. I’ve never felt like this about anyone, but I’m not sure I like this aspect of it. And that’s also where I’m selfish. I like having her to myself. I like being cooped up on the bus and not sharing her.”

  He’s all over the place today. I wonder how much is concussion jumble and how much is him needing to get his feelings out.

  “You don’t seem to have an issue when we have breakfast together in the morning.”

  “Well, that goes back to me trusting you more than you believe. I do trust you, Sawyer. I just don’t want you hurt or upset. It also means trusting her. Any girl who would fuck around with my brother under my nose doesn’t deserve my love or my friendship.”

  I’m reminded of the day on the bus when I pushed things too far and promptly down the rest of my drink.

  “You’re lucky then, Mel’s not that girl. She’d never do that to you. You need to relax, Noah. Enjoy her, enjoy the rest of the tour. Let go of this selfish, jealous feeling you’ve got going on. I’m not going to mess with your girl. Darren is having a baby with her best friend, and if Wyatt even thought to lay a hand on his best friend’s girl, I’d kick his ass for messing with my best friends’ heart. After Bethie kicked his ass herself.”

  Noah laughs. “True, Anna is a force to be reckoned with. I really wanted to see her kick Sara’s ass that day in Vegas.”

  “Although I see the appeal, I didn’t. I wanted Anna and Mel as far away from Sara as possible. I wish I could understand why you gave her parents that money, or even the decency of a conversation, but I don’t.”

  “We’re just different people, Sawyer. I can’t walk away so easily. I don’t know what else to say.”

  “You’re the good twin, I’m the asshole twin. That’s nothing new.”

  “Do you even hear yourself?” Noah stands, running his hands through his hair. “Our whole talk has been good. You’re a good person, and so am I. Sure, we both have our issues, who doesn’t? But come on, for once can you admit we just have different strengths and weaknesses? Maybe you can be harsh at times, but there are days when I envy that. You speak your mind, I’m always the pushover. I know there are times you wish you could be more easygoing, but for as long as I can remember, you took it upon yourself to speak up. To get your way, to protect me, to be sure we were treated equally instead of two halves of the same coin. You did that, not me.”

  “I don’t know about all that.”

  He looks down at me and cracks a smile. “I do. We’re twins, Sawyer, and even when it hurts we talk about the stuff most people won’t touch. We’ve had more conflict between us the past year than we ever have. Maybe life is catching up with us. Things will be normal again soon enough. Our bond is stronger than any of this other BS.”

  I feel so much better, but I’m also still angry. Maybe it’s the booze.

  “You look tired, you should go lie down.”

  “Yeah,” he yawns, “I am pretty beat.”

  “Go, I’ll still be here later. We’re good, Noah, and we always will be, even if we fight.”

  “For sure. It’s just better when we don’t.”

  By the time Mel comes out of their room, I’ve practically finished the bottle of scotch. I can’t stop thinking about how lucky he was today. What if Sara’s parents had been as equally psychotic as she was? I wish Noah would be more concerned with his own safety because it stresses me the fuck out that he isn’t.

  “I’m going to make some food. Do you want something to eat?” she asks with a concerned look on her face.

  “Are you really not mad at him?” I’m slurring, but Princess will understand.

  “For which part?”

  “Going over there, giving them money, not telling us he was doing something so epically stupid.”

  As she digs around in the cabinets, I down another glass of scotch. “I’m glad he took Wyatt with him. I’m not happy he didn’t tell me first, but I understand it more now.”

  They’re nauseatingly perfect for each other; each of them are way too understanding. “What about the money?”

  “What about it? It’s his money, Sawyer, not mine.”

  Mel stands defensively, daring me to cross her. My cock twitches, until I remember he bought her a ring today. “It will be. Hell, it might as well be. You know he’s going to marry you.”

  She grabs a few napkins and brings me a sandwich. It hits me that she’s the first woman to make me food outside of my family and Anna. “Eat this, please, and I’ll keep talking to you.”

  I didn’t even realize I was hungry until she put it in front of me. Moaning, I devour the first half quickly. This might be the best grilled ham and cheese sandwich I’ve ever tasted. It’s a buttery, crispy perfection. She seems proud of herself as I eat before she continues with our talk.

  “Look, Sawyer, I love your brother, but I’m not his keeper. The last thing on my mind is his money and what he does with it. I’ve got more than enough of my own to worry about his. But I do think what he chooses to do with it at times is admirable. A family lost their only child to mental illness, and their child also happens to be someone Noah used to care for
. I don’t see anything wrong with him helping them out and easing his conscience.”

  It’s odd to hear those words come from her mouth. I have to remember she isn’t a groupie and actually means what she says. After finishing my sandwich, I take the plate to the sink. I need to sleep off this alcohol, but I want to finish our talk. “That was good, thank you. But you didn’t answer me. What are you going to do when he marries you?”

  The words taste stale on my tongue. How can I hate the idea of them together as much as I love it? She’s laughing when she turns to face me until she realizes how serious I am. “You actually didn’t ask me anything about getting married. You pointed out he was going to marry me. I don’t know the answer to that, Sawyer. If … Someday, when … Noah and I choose to get married, that will be his choice. Personally, I love the random things he does to make other’s lives better because he’s fortunate enough to do so. If he’s financially stable enough to help others, more power to him.”

  I’m so tired all of a sudden. I blink my eyes and rub my head in an effort to keep talking. When did I get so drunk? As her words catch up to my drunken ears, I think about them. Maybe that’s what appeals to her so much—Noah’s generosity. “Do you think I should do that? Be more philanthropic?”

  “Sawyer,” she plates the last sandwich and turns the stove off, “you should do whatever makes you happy. Most days I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. The bulk of my parents’ money is sitting in an account accruing interest. The rest gets donated. That makes me feel better about the rest since I have no clue what to do with it.”

  Just when I think we’re done talking, she takes my breath away by placing her hand on my heart. “You have to do whatever makes your heart happy. Nothing else is worth it. You also have to stop comparing yourself to your brother. The two of you are completely different people, both equally amazing, both with huge hearts and an incredible love for family. Stop being so hard on yourself. You’ve got your whole life to do good things.”

  Her words are sweet, and her touch feels so good, I can’t help but smile at her. She’s always honest; that’s probably the best thing about her. Princess will never blow smoke up anyone’s ass. “Thanks, Princess, I needed that. Tell Noah I’m sorry for fighting with him. I was just …”

  “Worried,” she fills in, but that’s not it.

  “Not only worried … I was being protective of you. I’m your friend and I don’t like to see you in pain, but he’s my brother and I should know better because Noah would rather die than hurt you. I’m going to go sleep this off. Thanks for the sandwich and the chat, Princess.”

  When I leave the kitchen and lie down in my bed, all I can think about is how I should find something to do that would make me a better person, so that one day, I might be lucky enough to find a girl like Mel of my own. Noah is a lucky guy.

  It Takes Two

  The past week or so I’ve been disappearing into the garage during the day. After my drunken chat with Princess last week, I realized I need to be a better human. Not only that, but I want to be.

  As luck would have it—or fate, if I listen to Noah—I think I figured out where I want to put my focus. Unlike Noah, I don’t think randomly helping people is something for me. It brings him a lot of joy, and he makes a difference one person at a time. But for me, I think it would be sort of anti-climactic. I want to be able to see the impact of what I’m doing in a broader sense.

  The day after my talk with Mel, I was reading the newspaper. Specifically, an article about the rise of homelessness in California’s college students. It went into a huge breakdown about homeless kids from Kindergarten through high school as well. The entire article was sobering. The more I thought about it, the harder it was for me to wrap my head around.

  These kids are eighteen and on their own. Their student loans barely cover their tuition, and any job they get goes toward books and a limited amount of food, with no money left for clothes and housing. I tried to picture myself in that situation and I can’t. We got lucky, but even if we didn’t have success with the band, our parents would have paid for school like they did for Rory and Diane.

  Ever since then, I’ve been doing research. Pretty much from sun up until sundown. I’ve got stacks of notes and articles, concept ideas for how to start a charity and thoughts about how it would work. I’m excited to get it going, but it’s going to be a full-time job, and I don’t have time for that until the tour is over. The thing is, that isn’t good enough for me. These kids need help now. There are more kids in need than I could ever hope to help, but even if I can help one, it’s worth it.

  I’m in the zone down here with my stuff spread out across the desk and the overflow covering our studio equipment. “All The Small Things” by blink-182 is blasting through the speakers as I make notes about the school I want to contact first.

  The music stops suddenly, and when I look up, Noah’s eyes are taking everything in.

  Dammit.

  “Sawyer, what is all of this?” Noah eyes the mountain of paperwork and there’s no way I can hide it. His eyes are already scanning the paper in front of him.

  “Just something I’m working on. I guess a charity of sorts if I can ever figure it out,” I reply, frustrated. I’m excited about this, but it’s a lot of work, and I don’t want Noah thinking I can’t do this.

  “May I?” he motions toward my notebook. Reluctantly, I nod. The truth is, Noah’s into this kind of shit. I probably should’ve asked for his help in the first place. Things between us have been so strained, we’re constantly walking on eggshells around each other. Maybe this could help bridge that gap.

  “It’s just the beginning, I’m still in the research phase. That yellow sheet of paper is my most recent concept idea, but that’s all it is. I’ve still got to figure out a way to implement it all and do it anonymously. I’m not even sure any of this is possible.”

  With eyes that mirror my own, Noah looks up at me proudly. “This is incredible, Sawyer. Seriously, I’d love to help you with this, be your partner if you’d like one. I think it would be good for us. Maybe a way to get back on track … we’ve been so disconnected lately.”

  There’s that twin bond in full effect. Even if we don’t say it, we’re still thinking the same thing. “Are you serious?”

  He nods. “Yeah, completely. We could have Tony set up an LLC, and he could be the registering agent. It would keep it anonymous, and I know he’s done it for other clients.”

  “Let’s do it, Noah. I could use the help and some fresh eyes on some of this stuff. It’s all overwhelming and really sad.”

  Smiling, he pulls me in for a hug. “This is going to be great, Sawyer. I’ve missed us, and we’re about to do some epically awesome shit.”

  We spend some time going over some more paperwork before I realize I never asked him what he needed.

  “Hey, why did you come down here in the first place?”

  “Ah, that … The doctor said I could start singing again at my own pace. As long as I take it slow and pay attention to any signals my body gives me that I’m going too far.”

  “That’s awesome.”

  “It is, and I decided for Christmas I want to make Mel a … this is going to sound so cheesy. I want to make her a mixed tape of sorts.”

  He’s blushing again. I’m so glad I didn’t inherit that trait, even if it does work for him.

  “Okay, and you need the studio to do that?”

  “And you. I want to sing her the songs that remind me of us. She asked for more songs sung by me, so this way she’ll be able to have it whenever she wants, and maybe I won’t feel so on the spot. Sort of a win-win?”

  “Sure, I can help you. What are you thinking?”

  He visibly relaxes, and I’m excited we’re going to do both of these projects together. It can only bring us closer together, and we need that now more than ever. I don’t ever want to see the look of relief on Noah’s face again when he needs a favor. He should never doubt my willingness t
o help him.

  “Six to eight songs, a basic EP. Since it’s just for Mel, we don’t need to worry about permissions or anything. Nothing is going to be monetized or for public consumption. Just a gift from me to her.”

  “She’s going to love it. We can start tomorrow. Today is pretty much shot anyway.”

  We’re in quick agreement about how to balance working on the EP and this new project without anyone finding out about either one. Noah texted Tony and he’s completely on board and will meet us in his office later this week to talk details in private. I’ve got a good feeling about this whole thing and can’t wait to officially get started.

  Today is Christmas Eve, and Mel has been gone with Eli most of the day. The entire family is here, and Noah is a fidgety mess. It’s hilarious.

  “He’s just her friend, Noah. Relax,” I tell him when we’re alone in the office wrapping some presents.

  “Yeah, I know. I still hate that she picked him to go shopping with.”

  “All you have to do is remember it’s your dick she’s coming home to, not his.”

  “Jesus, Sawyer. Thank God for that!” He’s laughing now; at least I accomplished that. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

  Leaning back in my chair, I give him my full attention. “Shoot.”

  “I’m ready.”

  Two little words, but I know exactly what he means. A huge smile breaks across my face. “When do you want to do it and how can I help?”

  He’s watching my reaction carefully, but there’s nothing to fear. I’m genuinely happy for him. Hopefully, for them.

  “New Year’s Eve. I’m thinking down on the beach, overnight.”

  Noah always has to be romantic, and under the stars by the light of the moon really can’t be beat.

  “What are you thinking? It’s going to be freezing down there.”

  He pulls a sheet of paper out of his pocket and passes it to me. It’s a checklist or an idea list. “Big portable tent, portable heaters, hard floor, music, food, a place to sleep. Sounds like a good start. We could easily have J get his supply guy to help us. You know, the one who brings in extra chairs and stuff when he has an event. I’m sure he has all of this and more.”