Bearly Familiar

by Lilly Wilder

  He just stood there, oblivious to the sighs he was the cause of, and the casual, hidden glances thrown his way, in hopes that he would look back. He didn’t. His eyes were glued to Parker, and now, they rested on Rene.

  “Afraid to play with the big boys?” Hyde suddenly asked, taunting her.

  Parker turned around, then back to Rene. He found this comment amusing. The corners of his lips danced upwards and he started playing with the ball in his hands.

  “Yeah, you aren’t afraid, are you?” Parker repeated, teasingly.

  “Well, when you put it like that,” Rene dusted herself off and got up.

  The following half an hour passed by quickly playing ball and by the time they were sitting on the blanket again, Rene didn’t even realize how much time had passed. Parker had asked if he could run around a little and after getting permission to do so, Rene and Hyde were left alone on the cozy little blanket.

  Both of them were guardedly watching Parker’s every move. There were just too many people there, and Rene didn’t even want to consider how easy it would be for Parker to get lost in this sea of people.

  “Is he staying with you the whole weekend?” Rene found herself asking, even though the silence didn’t feel oppressive.

  The question wasn’t really asked out of curiosity. She simply wanted to talk to him, and she assumed that Parker would be the best topic to achieve this. She didn’t care that the feelings she had for him were inappropriate. She had already crossed the line when she agreed to come to this picnic, so a little more crossing couldn’t hurt.

  “Just for today,” he replied, not taking his eyes off of Parker.

  She could see the outlines of his face from the side, his strong jaw, his protruding chin. He was clenching his teeth. This much was obvious from the way his jaw drew together. He seemed nervous.

  “He’s going back this evening?” she asked again.

  “Tomorrow morning,” he corrected her. “So, I probably won’t need you the first few days of the following week.”

  He said ‘I won’t need you.’ She knew exactly what he meant, but her heart fluttered at his unusual choice of words. She knew that she needed to stop paying attention to such small details, details which very few paid any attention to. They were just words to them. To her, nothing was just words. It was either a conscious or a subconscious thought or desire which managed to find its way to the surface. The way it surfaced - now, that was the interesting part.

  “OK,” she replied curtly.

  That meant she’d be getting less money. That wasn’t good. She finally managed to pay off what she owed to her mother’s nursing home, but with the increase in her mother’s drugs and other necessities, the price just kept getting higher and higher. It was also just a matter of time before her car died on her. She needed money. She needed that extra job which was nowhere in sight and Hyde cutting down on her days was the last thing she needed right now.

  Then, she remembered she was being unfair. She was angry at him and he wasn’t a part of her problems. He was actually a part of the solution. So, she calmed herself down.

  “I really appreciate all your help,” he suddenly added.

  “It’s my job,” she said, still under the impression of what he just said.

  She didn’t understand his gratitude. He was paying her to help him with Parker and of course she was going to do the best job she could. That goes without saying.

  “I know, I just… really appreciate it,” he repeated himself, and she felt a pang of regret.

  She shouldn’t have said that it was just her job. The truth was that it was more. In this short amount of time, she had grown attached to Parker and she felt like this feeling was mutual. She didn’t feel like a mother figure to him. He already had a mother and the last thing she wanted to do was step in that place and make trouble. What she wanted was for Parker to know that he always had a close friend in her, that she was someone he could always rely on no matter what and that he could always tell her anything, come to her for anything.

  “Parker is such a great kid,” she said, hoping to fix the situation. “I love being around him, I love his curiosity, the way he perceives things. It’s so wonderful.”

  “I have to ask you something,” Hyde’s voice suddenly grew quieter and her interest sparked.

  He looked around, as if he was searching for a face in the crowd. After a few seconds, his gaze went back to Parker.

  “Sure,” Rene urged him. “Anything.”

  “When you’re out with Parker,” he started, sounding a little uncertain, as if he was looking for the right words to explain exactly what he was referring to, “have you noticed anything weird?”

  The question sounded strange. She didn’t really understand him, and her frown revealed that.

  “Weird?” she repeated his exact word of choice, “what do you mean?”

  “Well, have you noticed any strange people around? Has anything out of the ordinary happened? Anything really…”

  Rene tried to think of any such scenario. When they were out, they would usually go to the playground, to the grocery store, for walks or for Parker to ride his little bicycle. She was always fully focused on him and she had to admit that even if anyone strange was around, she wouldn’t have noticed him.

  “No, I don’t think so,” she shook her head, still trying to remember if there was anyone like that.

  “Are you sure?” he urged her.

  “Yes, I think so,” she replied, with a worried look in her eyes. “Is there anything I should know?”

  He gazed in Parker’s direction for a few seconds longer, then turned to her.

  “No,” he suddenly smiled, his expression changing completely, “I’m asking because I read about a child kidnapping a few days ago.”

  His gaze turned back to his child, playing with his ball, and running after pigeons and squirrels around the trees. He looked so carefree. His flushed cheeks were as red as apples, as his hands reached out to catch that ever elusive squirrel. Rene wished she remembered the last time she felt like that. She couldn’t.

  “Those things really get to me,” he explained. “I guess I’m just being overly paranoid.”

  He tried to brush it off, but it seemed to Rene that there was more to this question than he was telling her. Still, this wasn’t the time or the place to discuss it in more detail.

  “I don’t have kids of my own, but I think I’ll be paranoid, too when I’m a parent,” her smile revealed compassion and understanding. “I think one doesn’t go without the other.”

  “You think all parents are paranoid?”

  “All good parents,” she corrected him.

  “That actually makes sense,” he smiled. “I was afraid you’d think I’m overly paranoid when it comes to my son.”

  “No, never,” she assured him. “I think you’re a great dad.”

  The moment she said it out loud, she felt like it was a bit too much, but she meant every word of it. She really did think he was a great dad and no one could ever take that away from him.

  “What about me as a person?” he asked, in a spur of the moment.

  “As a person?”

  Rene always felt safe in repetition of a question, when someone asked her something that made her feel a little uncomfortable.

  “Yes, not as a father, but as a, I don’t know, acquaintance? Friend maybe?”

  He looked like a mischievous little boy, who knew he was asking touchy questions, but still went ahead and did it, regardless of what the consequences might be.

  “I don’t know you that well, now do I?” Rene teased, trying to make this question less serious.

  When she looked at him again, it seemed that he had somehow gotten closer to her, and was now only inches away from her, on the blanket. She could smell the heat of his presence in her personal space, but she didn’t mind. If she closed her eyes for longer than one second, she would drift away and possibly never c
ome back.

  “You mean, you haven’t gotten to know me well over the past two, three weeks?” he asked again.

  She knew that wasn’t true and from the sound of it, he knew the same.

  “Well, I have, but we haven’t really talked properly,” she tried to squirm out of this one, but it was obvious that he enjoyed watching her squirm.

  “Maybe it’s high time we did,” he acknowledged something she herself was aware of.

  “What would we talk about?” she pretended, teasing him to tell her.

  “Whatever you want,” he encouraged. “Here, ask me anything and I promise to reply.”

  “Anything?” she stressed. “Are you sure?”

  “Absolutely,” he nodded. “Ask away.”

  “Well,” she pressed her index finger against her lips, “I have to think about it first.”

  “Really?” he laughed. “I know exactly what I would ask you.”

  “Oh really?” she eyed him. “OK then, you ask first, and I’ll ask second.”

  “Are you sure?” it was his turn to ask that question this time.

  “Yes, just ask already, before I change my mind,” she laughed.

  “Ok then,” he lifted his hands to the level of his chest, in mock surrender, “you said I could, so whatever I ask, you reply, deal?”

  “Deal.”

  “Then, tell me this, why is such a beautiful, caring woman such as yourself single?”

  A part of her somehow sensed that he would ask this. Another part of her was shocked at his level of familiarity. When these two parts merged together, she realized she had no issues answering him.

  “Because the problem isn’t me,” she shrugged her shoulders.

  Instead of a reply, he started laughing. Then, he rounded it up by giving her a round of applause.

  “That was the best answer to that question ever,” he was still laughing.

  “Well, you asked,” she declared importantly, pretending like she wasn’t proud to hear him say this.

  “And, you replied,” he nodded.

  “It really is true,” she continued, without him needing to goad her, “Lord knows I tried to find my soul mate, but something always felt off. It was never enough. I guess I feel like one person could never have that whole package deal that I’m looking for. I wish I could merge two people together and maybe that would satisfy me.”

  He seemed to think about it for a second, before he replied.

  “Do you consider yourself insatiable?” he wondered.

  Not until he said it out loud did he realize how naughty that sounded.

  “No, I didn’t mean…” he started shaking his head frantically.

  “Oh, you didn’t mean that, I’m sure…” she teased him, but the wide smile on her face told him that she was having fun.

  “I really didn’t!” he defended himself. “I just meant, you probably want a lot of attention, affection, stuff like that, I don’t know…”

  “But, don’t all women want attention and affection?”

  “I wouldn’t know,” he gave her a dismissive half-shrug, “my wife cheated on me, so I obviously don’t know shit about what women truly want.”

  He said it so effortlessly, that she wasn’t sure if he really meant to say it or it just slipped out. Now, it was out there, like a fish on dry land, waiting for someone to grab it and throw it back into the water.

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” Rene said.

  “That’s OK,” he smiled, “not like anyone died.”

  “But, it’s still not something easy to process,” Rene gulped.

  “I won’t lie, it hit me bad,” he admitted, raking his fingers through his hair, “but I’m not the kind of person to beg someone to be with me. You either love me or you don’t. If you do, then you belong to me, and I belong to you. There is no different way to do it. I guess I’m just like that, a bit old fashioned, but that’s how it is.”

  Rene understood exactly what he meant, because she was like that, too. She knew what it meant to belong to someone, to expect that same level of commitment from that other person. This was something not many people understood or agreed with. That was also partly why she found it so difficult to find that someone special.

  “I understand,” she whispered quietly.

  “You do?” he was surprised to hear her talk that way.

  “I do,” she nodded, in confirmation. “But, I also believe that love is love, it can belong to anyone, to any gender, even any number of people.”

  “What do you mean?” he wondered.

  “I mean, you are free to love whomever you wish, and also, you are free to love different people as well.”

  “But, do you think you could love all of them equally?”

  “See, that’s the beauty of love,” she proclaimed, “the more you love, the more love you create! You can never use it up, so to say. There is always enough of it, even more than enough to go around.”

  He smiled as he watched her talk of love, of this unconventional manner of love. But, before he could say anything, Parker rushed back to them, and this conversation needed to end, for the time being.

  When Rene tried to go to sleep that night, she couldn’t get Hyde out of her mind. She couldn’t understand how his wife could have cheated on him. He seemed to be the perfect man. Even though she knew there was no such thing as perfection, Hyde seemed to be the kind of person who held himself to a standard of grace and kindness, and that was infinitely better than perfection.

  Chapter 7

  It was late in the afternoon on a Monday, and Rene was asked to stay longer again. She didn’t mind, for two reasons. The first one was that she needed the money and any extra hours were more than welcome, as she couldn’t find a second job which she would be able to combine with this one. The second was, of course, Parker.

  A few days ago, she was offered another full time position. At first, when she got the call, she was super happy. It still wasn’t enough to cover all her extra expenses, but it was more than she was getting now. Holding that phone in her hand, her first instinct was to shout yes to the girl from the agency. But, the moment she opened her mouth, nothing came out. Her words disintegrated into thin air, and she was unable to say a word of what she had intended. The lady on the other line thought that they got disconnected, but then, Rene politely declined the offer. She explained herself with the fact that she just needed a part time baby-sitting job alongside this one, as the boy was very special and she’d hate for him to get attached to her, only to have to repeat the whole process all over again. The lady at the agency seemed to understand, and even praised her professionalism at choosing to remain consistent with a family because of their child, than to immediately jump at a better financial opportunity. Rene appreciated her understanding, but as soon as she hung up the phone, she herself didn’t understand where all that came from.

  She liked Parker and Hyde. She couldn’t deny that. But, she also couldn’t deny the fact that she needed to pay for her mother’s care. She needed a new car. She needed to give Alice some money as well, as Alice was kind enough to let her stay there free of charge until she managed to get back on her feet. There was talk of Rene staying there indefinitely, as Alice’s roommate, but that was only under the condition that she paid for half of everything. Rene of course, agreed with this fully. She would never allow someone else to pull all the weight, while she herself did nothing.

  So, now, she was wondering, how come she just didn’t accept that other job and got more money? Why was she being so silly?

  Rene checked the time. It was about 8 pm, and Parker was in his bed. It was a long day for both of them, as she tried to organize a nice day, full of fun activities outside, so Parker wouldn’t miss his father too much. They went to the park, to the museum to see some dinosaur bones, and finally, they had ice cream at Parker’s favorite gelato place. When they got back, they ordered a pizza, and watched a movie together, and Rene noticed th
at his eyes were droopy and he was barely able to keep them open. She managed to keep him up enough to help him change into his pajamas, then she tucked him in, leaving his night light on, and silently tiptoed out of his room.

  It was a bit earlier than he usually went to bed, but she didn’t mind. She was tuckered out herself. She got comfortable on the sofa in the living room, but then thought of having a cup of warm tea. She walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on. When she went back to check on it a few minutes later, she realized that it wasn’t even turned on. No matter how many times she kept flicking the switch, the light didn’t turn red.