The Adventures of Billy Boiglebird and his Small Automatic Wind Powered Galactic Space-Shrink Transporter Gizmo
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giant of them all, a tree that absolutely towered above the other great trees of the forest. It was a monstrous bubblegum tree, probably just about almost the biggest, tallest, most amazing tree growing anywhere in the entire Universe! It was the very tree that Billy Boiglebird would need to help him get home to Earth.
Up into its mighty branches he flew in his hollowed-out watermelon and two-lemonade-cans experimental laboratory helicopter-spaceship house. Up, up, up and up until he’d reached the bubblegum tree’s very highest, most topmost-est branch.
And there, so high above the clouds that everything below him looked tiny, he wedged his house firmly into a good strong fork – so it couldn’t accidentally fall back to the mountains so far far below.
Once his helicopter-house was safely set in place, Dynamite Billy Featherfoot Mightywing Boiglebird aged nine and a half years and a wee bit more removed the rubber band from the fan. He did this so that the powdered milk-tin lid on the small automatic wind powered galactic space-shrink transporter gizmo would be able to spin freely the moment a really STRONG wind came up. A wind like the wind of a monster tornado it would have to be, a wind strong enough to spin-up the milk-tin lid so amazingly unbelievably fast that a hyperspace bubble would form around his watermelon-skin experimental laboratory and bedroom spaceship house and suck it all the way back to where it had come from on Earth, quicker than the blink of an eye.
And then, while he waited, he started picking bubblegum berries – to take home for his brothers and sisters.
And I’m very happy to say, that after living up in the giant bubblegum tree for not a great deal longer than several little whiles and a half and picking lots and lots of bubblegum berries for his brothers and sisters to share with their friends, this is exactly what happened.
Dynamite Billy Featherfoot Mightywing, the nine and a half years and a bit boiglebird and his hollowed-out watermelon and two-lemonade-cans experimental laboratory and bedroom house were whizzed right back to where they belonged: in the watermelon patch behind the shed on old Mr McKackney’s farm, not far from Rickety Bridge and the bank of the Rippling River on the other side of planet Earth’s Misty Mountains – as I said, all in the quickest blink of an eye.
Everyone was glad to have Billy back home again, of course, because they were beginning to wonder where he’d gone. His Mum and Dad gave him lots and lots of hugs and kisses and his brothers and sisters shouted and squealed and danced about in delight and the rabbits all ran around and around and around like… Well rabbits, I suppose.
And would you believe it? Even old Mister McKackney had a smile on his whiskery old face!
And so Dynamite Billy Featherfoot Mightywing Boiglebird aged nine and a half years and a little bit more, his Mum and Dad and his great many brothers and sisters plus old Mister Jack McKackney and his watermelons and farm full of rabbits…
…all lived Happily Ever After.
THE END
Dynamite Billy Featherfoot Mightywing Boiglebird never got his small automatic wind powered galactic space-shrink transporter going fast enough for the stupid thing to take him anywhere after that, ever again – even as far as his school. Eventually he got fed up with it and used the parts to make an atomic garbage disintegrator and a soap dish. All that was left was the fan, which he nailed to a post.
When the wind blows it spins around with a faint rattling sound.
The Cabbages on the planet of Urgle Wurgledoof now play soccer and eat cabbage moths, and their team went on to become Grand Champions of the whole western side of the Galaxy.
The Wild Pygmy Bananas have started a chain of fast-food shops. Their specialty is cauliflower and cheese sauce. Some of them have become rich making left-foot football boots.
Old Jack McKackney’s rabbits dug up some gold in his strawberry patch. He now lives at Surfers Paradise and has a beautiful young wife to look after him. Back on the farm his rabbits are all running around like … well, you know: Rabbits.
IMPORTANT NOTICE
What to do if you come across a suspicious looking large roundish rock you think might be a boiglebird lair:
1. Get a stone or a piece of wood.
2. Knock on the rock three times.
3. If you hear whispering and the sounds of boiglebirds pretending not to be at home, knock three times again but this time louder.
4. If the rock then asks who it is knocking, then it’s definitely a boiglebird home.
5. Answer by saying “Dingaling, dingaling; this is the fairy floss van. Do you want to buy some fairy floss?”
I can tell you now, though. They won’t open the door until you say the secret word.
…so what’s the secret word?
I don’t know ! They keep it a SECRET !!!)