The Baby They Longed For

by Marion Lennox

  Did she have to ask?

  She knew she did.

  Oh, but she didn’t want to.

  Her heart was screaming at her to do nothing, say nothing, but she’d been sensible all day. Her head was telling her to go on being sensible. Her heart had had its turn last night, and look at the mess that had landed her in. It was time for her head to say it like it was.

  The sunset had faded. A crescent moon was rising over the horizon. She could just see the evening star.

  No. It’s Venus, she thought, or was it Jupiter? She could never remember. Either way it was a planet, not a star. So it’s not an ‘evening star’ at all, she told herself. Get real.

  And reality was?

  Break the silence.

  Say it.

  ‘Noah, I didn’t just ask you here for fish and chips.’

  ‘You know, I guessed that,’ he said, and she heard a hint of laughter. She loved that laughter. It did something...

  Um, not. Focus on...not laughter.

  ‘The reason I asked you here...’ She sounded a bit desperate but that was how she was feeling. But she had to say it like it was.

  ‘Noah, what was between us, what happened last night...we were well out of control and, to be honest, remembering the way I responded to you, it terrifies me. That’s why I moved out. Neither of us are in the market for relationships. You need to be focussed on your access fight for Sophie. I’ve only just pulled myself together.’

  ‘I understand. I felt bad until I saw this place but now...it makes sense.’

  ‘But that’s not all.’ How to make herself say these next few words?

  ‘Not?’

  ‘No.’ Deep breath. ‘Noah, this morning... I went down to pharmacy and got the morning-after pill. I promised you I’d take it. That promise stands—if you want it. But now... I’m asking if you’ll...reconsider.’

  And she tugged the pill packet out of her jeans pocket and laid it on the step between them.

  What followed was silence. A really long silence. It stretched out between them while the evening star got itself a few mates.

  They were sitting on the middle step, with the detritus of their makeshift picnic between them. And now a foil container.

  What had she just landed him with?

  A tiny possibility. The remotest of chances.

  Why did it feel huge?

  ‘Noah, this isn’t fair,’ she managed at last. She knew it wasn’t. ‘After all you’ve been through with Rebecca, with the way you’ve been manipulated, the last thing you need is me doing the same. I should just take it, move on. But I find... Noah, I can’t make myself do it. Not without...asking.’

  ‘You want to be pregnant?’ Despite the lengthy silence his words were a blast of pure shock.

  Say it like it was. ‘Yes.’ This much at least she knew for a fact. ‘I do.’

  ‘You’re kidding.’ His voice turned to incredulity. ‘You planned this?’

  ‘Of...course I didn’t,’ she managed. ‘Noah, we both know that. You must know it.’

  For a moment she thought he’d get up, walk away, kick something. The look on his face was indescribable.

  Fleetingly she remembered the moment she’d slapped him. She’d been out of control. That’s how Noah looked now.

  But there was no slap. There was only more silence. She watched as he visibly sorted through what she’d said.

  Finally he nodded. The incredulous look on his face faded. It seemed her version of last night’s events had been accepted.

  ‘I know that.’

  Her world settled, a little. ‘We just...’

  ‘Came together out of mutual need.’ The menace had gone, but the shock was still there. His voice turned calm again. Almost thoughtful. ‘So...if a pregnancy comes of last night, you want to go through with it?’

  She found she was shaking. She had to pull herself together. She had to explain.

  ‘Noah, after the ectopic... After so many tries with IVF, so much failure, I thought I’d moved on. My pup, my suitcase and my new hairstyle, they were supposed to be the beginnings of my way forward. It was only this morning, staring at the pill, I thought, What am I doing? The possibility of pregnancy is so remote that it’s almost laughable, but to kill that tiny chance... I thought, What if I am pregnant? And it was like a shaft of light.’

  He was staring at her as if he was staring at a future she’d just complicated a thousandfold.

  ‘But I’d be the father,’ he said blankly.

  ‘You would.’ She’d been thinking of this all day. Now she had to work out how to get her thoughts out there.

  She glanced at him and then glanced away again. She had to say this without emotion, and looking at his face didn’t help.

  ‘Noah, if I was...then this would be your baby. That’s why this has to be your decision, whether I take it or not. That’s why I asked you to come tonight. I think...likely or not, the decision to proceed has to be yours as well.’

  He was looking at her blankly, as if he could scarcely understand what she was saying. ‘What...? Addie, I can’t make you take it. It’s your body.’

  ‘It is, but if you ask me to take it then I will. And honestly... I’d take it with no regrets. Noah, I might go back to IVF. I might try again with sperm donation. What I do will be nothing to do with you. But this one slim chance...it’s your call. No matter what, I hope we’ll still be colleagues. Still...friends? All I’ll be doing by taking the pill is preventing something that probably won’t happen anyway.’

  ‘So...you’re asking me, why?’

  ‘I should have taken it this morning. It was only...suddenly it seemed big. And it did seem...as if it wasn’t just my decision.’

  ‘And if you don’t take it?’ His voice seemed to be coming from far away. ‘If you are pregnant?’

  ‘Then you’d have to decide how much you wanted to be involved.’ She’d thought this through while she’d packed and moved, while she’d made up her new bed, while she’d sat on the back step and stared at nothing. ‘If it does, if I am...you’d be within your rights...no, you’d be welcome to be a proper dad. To be as involved as you want. Noah, I understand Sophie’s your priority and I respect that. We could work around it. Figure it out as we went along. But, Noah, I’m not Rebecca. I would never use a child to manipulate or control.’

  ‘You have thought this through.’

  ‘I’ve had all day,’ she said ruefully. ‘And my head’s been spinning. But I also need to say... Noah, what’s between you and me...our lovemaking...that was a one-time thing. I have no intention or wish to develop a relationship beyond co-parenting, and if you didn’t want to co-parent then that’s okay, too. I had things organised in my head before I got pregnant last time. I think I’ll make a decent single mum. I have huge community support, so I’d never think less of you if you don’t want contact. Neither will I think less of you if you sit with me now while I swallow this pill. And I will take it. If that’s...what you want.’

  But then...the shaking got worse.

  Despite the warmth of the evening, the comfort of the food, she couldn’t stop the tremors. What was she asking of him? What sort of decision? She had every right to do this for herself, she thought, but she had no right to do it to Noah.

  But suddenly his hand was over hers, his fingers encircling, warm, firm, strong. His hand held in a grip that was a message all by itself.

  ‘You’d love to be pregnant.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said truthfully. ‘But it’s not my right—’

  ‘If you had it...’ His words cut her off ‘...I couldn’t walk away. Addie, regardless of how our baby was conceived, I would care for you. I’d care for you both.’

  ‘Like you were forced to care for Rebecca?’ Where had that come from?

  ‘No, I—’

  ‘See, that’
s what I don’t want.’ Suddenly a new set of emotions were surfacing. She hauled her hand away from his as if it burned. ‘Noah, you could care for our baby all you want—but not for me.’ This situation was doing her head in. Was he offering...what he’d just walked away from?

  Of course he was. This was Noah the honourable. Noah who’d tried to explain away Gavin’s appalling behaviour. Noah who’d rung the day after the wedding fiasco to ‘see if there’s any way I can help...’ Noah who’d stuck to his horrible wife. Noah who’d been betrayed in the most horrible way, and yet here he was with his hand up again.

  I would care for you.

  She should be impressed. She should think what a noble man.

  Instead...

  ‘I don’t need to be cared for,’ she managed, and she couldn’t prevent a spurt of anger. ‘Noah, thank you, but I don’t want it.’

  And then she caught herself. The last thing Noah deserved was anger—it was totally unjustified—but it’d been a huge day. She was overwrought and there was something about him that threatened her precious control.

  He scared her?

  The whole situation scared her. She had to haul herself together.

  She had to explain her almost visceral response to his offer to care.

  The truth? It seemed this was the night for it.

  ‘Noah, you don’t get it and you need to,’ she managed. ‘Caring’s been my whole life. From the moment my dad died I was the carer. “Hug me, Addie,” Mum would say. “Without you I couldn’t go on.” And... “Study hard, Addie. Your father was so smart and you’re all I have left of him.” And then Gavin... “Addie, marry Gavin... You’d make all our dreams come true. You can’t bring your father back, but to have his grandchildren... I could go to my grave happy...”’

  Somehow she hauled herself back from the emotions threatening to overwhelm her. ‘Noah, I suspect you know what I’m talking about. I can imagine the guilt Rebecca exposed you to, because I was exposed to it, too. And here you are, offering more of the same. You’ll care for me and a possible baby because you’re honourable. Noah, I don’t want or need your care. You need to make a decision, but my need doesn’t come into it.’

  That brought more silence.

  In the stillness Daisy woke. She’d been in her basket near the door. Now she wriggled across the veranda on her belly, as if she was unsure of her welcome. Addie was dimly aware of her but too caught in the moment to do anything about it. Unchecked, the little dog slithered over to the top step, wriggled her head down to the chip wrapper, seized a chip and bolted back to her basket.

  Neither of them noticed.

  The silence went on.

  The little foil packet lay untouched.

  ‘You don’t think,’ Noah said at last, and astonishingly there was suddenly a trace of a smile in his voice, ‘you might be overreacting?’

  Of course she was, but she wasn’t backing down.

  ‘All I’m saying is that I went into the IVF process with planning in place, with my future as a single mum sorted. So now...if anything were to happen, don’t you dare think of me as an obligation. You have plans, too, Noah. If you don’t get custody of Sophie, if it ends up that you can’t even get access, then maybe it’s time you had life as a carefree bachelor. You surely deserve it. So, Noah, if you want me to take the pill, I will. Here and now, while you watch me. Or tomorrow morning if you need time to think about it. You...we...have a forty-eight-hour window to decide.’

  And that was enough. He was too close. She was feeling too emotional.

  ‘Please...let’s leave it,’ she said, almost roughly. ‘If you need to, think about it overnight. Know that whatever you decide there’ll be no regrets. No blame. We’ll both move on. But for now I need to go to bed.’

  But then Daisy, emboldened by her initial slithery hunt, decided that discretion was for dummies. The chip had been delicious. She did another tummy-on-the-ground foray to the top step, but then looked down, saw Addie’s hand poised to wrap the remaining chips—and made a flying bid to rescue the lot.

  Puppy and chips and paper went flying, the pup somersaulting down the last four stairs. She lay stunned at the bottom, her legs in the air. A chip landed on her chin.

  The chip went down the hatch, her tail gave an enormous wiggle like she’d just achieved something spectacular and she rolled over and proceeded to pounce on the remains.

  It was so comical they both had to laugh, and it was what they both needed. Over-the-top emotion receded as they cleared the mess. When it was done, Noah’s face was calm again. Under control.

  ‘We’re talking of a situation that in all probability won’t happen,’ he said. ‘Let’s keep it calm.’

  ‘Let’s.’ Maybe she should say more but it was all she could think of.

  ‘I need to head back to the hospital.’

  ‘I... Yes. Thank you for the fish and chips.’

  ‘Thank you for the hospitality.’

  They stood, motionless. She’d picked Daisy up. She had her in her arms and she was holding her almost like a shield.

  Why?

  Because she wanted...what? She was afraid of what?

  She was afraid of what she was feeling.

  The pregnancy issue aside, what she was feeling right now...

  She wanted more of what she’d had last night.

  Which was why she’d moved out of the doctors’ house.

  ‘Goodnight, Noah,’ she managed. ‘And don’t...please don’t build this into a big deal. It’s nothing. Just let me know.’

  ‘It’s not nothing.’

  ‘I won’t be pregnant.’

  ‘Even if you aren’t pregnant, it’s still not nothing.’ He put a hand out and cupped her face, a gesture of...what? She didn’t know. All she knew was that his touch made her whole body quiver. She had to step back and she did.

  ‘It’s not nothing and you know it,’ he said gently. ‘And you know what? There’s also a part of me that’d accept pregnancy with joy. But let’s worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.’ He smiled into her eyes, that mesmeric smile that did something to her heart that she’d never felt before. ‘Meanwhile, I don’t know about you but I had very little sleep last night. Let’s do better tonight.’

  And he chucked Daisy under one of her soft ears. He smiled again at Addie, a smile directed straight at her.

  And then he took the foil packet and tucked it into his top pocket. ‘I’ll take this with me,’ he said. ‘Pharmacy can dispose of a drug we have no need of.’

  * * *

  He walked home along the cliff path, his hands deep in his pockets, his thoughts back in the little house he’d just left. He’d left his car at the hospital because it was a five-minute walk via the fish shop and he’d needed to walk. He needed a walk even more now. He took the long route around the headland, a thirty-minute hike, and even that wasn’t long enough to get his head together.

  What had just happened?

  It hadn’t just happened, though, he thought. It had happened last night, when he’d taken Addie into his bed, into her bed. And she’d taken him. The sex had been mind-blowing, the release of years of frustration, anger, need. The release of years of...caring?

  But now the caring was right back with him. His concern for her...

  She probably wasn’t pregnant but if she was, she’d made her decision. And he’d made his.

  She...they...wanted a baby.

  He paused and stared out over the blackness of the ocean. The moon created a sliver of silver over the waves but the water still looked dark, empty, threatening.

  His baby.

  Addie.

  ‘You’re talking of something that won’t happen,’ he told himself, but that sounded wrong, too.

  And yet...it was probably right. He’d done a statistics unit once to help with research he was undertaking. H
e understood odds.

  The odds said he was out here talking to himself about something that would never happen.

  But if it did...

  ‘Then you’ll cope with it,’ he said, still aloud. But then...she’d already made a declaration that she wouldn’t need him.

  Would he be sidelined again in a child’s life?

  She’d sworn that he wouldn’t, and somehow he believed her.

  So...did he want her to be pregnant? Wasn’t his life complicated enough?

  ‘Yes, it is. So why take the pill home with you?’

  Because she wants a baby, he argued within himself.

  ‘Do you? Are you trying to replace Sophie?’

  The thought made his gut clench and he knew it wasn’t true. Sophie was irreplaceable and always would be.

  ‘You’re being dumb,’ he said, still out loud. ‘Let’s not dramatise something that won’t happen. This is not a worry.’

  He moved on, but as he did so he thought it wasn’t exactly worry.

  It was more like...hope?

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Ten days later...

  IT’S SAID THE gods laugh at those who play the odds.

  The odds said she couldn’t be pregnant.

  Someone up there was definitely laughing.

  She walked out to the back step, increasingly her favourite place in the world, and sat down.

  Hard.

  Daisy bolted across the lawn to join her. Addie laid the plastic tester aside—carefully, as if it might break. She took her little dog into her arms and hugged.

  And started to shake.

  She’d been down this road before and it had ended in heartbreak. But hope was lying beside her in the form of two blue lines on a piece of plastic.

  She set Daisy down. The little dog headed off into the garden to see if she could dig down to a cricket chirping just under the lawn surface. She should stop her. Who needed holes in lawns? But she wasn’t thinking of the lawn now. She picked up the sliver of plastic again and the lines were still there. She was pregnant and all she could feel was terror.

  Terror for herself?

  ‘Please...’ It was a desperate whisper from somewhere deep within her. It was a plea and a prayer and an admission that she was way out of control. She’d never meant this. She could have stopped it. She should have...