The Baby They Longed For

by Marion Lennox

  ‘Anaesthetic now,’ she said, as the world’s fastest X-ray and ultrasound were completed. She stooped and kissed Briana lightly on the cheek. It was totally unprofessional but she’d been this woman’s doctor for over two years. She’d seen the joy of Briana and Tom when their pregnancy had been confirmed. How hard was it to stay aloof in such circumstances?

  She couldn’t.

  So she kissed her and signalled to Cliff to take over at the top end, but before he took her place she smiled down into Briana’s eyes.

  ‘Time to let us take over, Briana,’ she told her. ‘Time to relax and trust us. When you wake up you’ll have your baby.’

  ‘You promise?’

  There was a risk... This baby had been shaken... She couldn’t see the extent of the injury.

  But who was she to say that now? If there was major trauma, if the unthinkable happened, a promise made and broken would be something Addie was prepared to carry.

  ‘I promise,’ she said, and as she said it she was suddenly aware of a brush against her arm, the slightest of pressures.

  Noah.

  It was a hug that was hardly a hug.

  That was hardly professional either, doctor hugging doctor, but there it was and she’d take it.

  ‘We all promise,’ Noah said gravely. ‘Briana, can Cliff put you under now? Can we bring your baby into the world?’ And panic took an even greater step back. Briana searched their faces, one after the other, and finally she sighed.

  ‘Tom...’

  ‘He’s still making a mess of my emergency department,’ Morvena told her. ‘But the minute he’s tidy we’ll bring him in to meet his daughter. I promise that, too.’

  And they all smiled. The grumpy Morvena was no one to argue with and Briana wasn’t trying.

  ‘So can I send you byebyes?’ Cliff asked, and there was only one answer.

  ‘Yes, please,’ Briana whispered. ‘I want...my baby.’

  * * *

  It was a crowded theatre.

  While Addie worked to deliver the baby, Noah stabilised the thoracostomy tube. He was deferring to Addie, and that was a skill all on its own.

  Egos often seemed something that came with the job description of surgeon. They played with lives under their hands every day, and without confidence they couldn’t go on. But Noah had the mix right.

  They had the screen up, separating work spaces, working as if Briana were awake and wouldn’t want to watch the cutting process. In fact, it meant easier delineation, with less likelihood of cross-contamination between surgery sites. But Noah wasn’t going ahead to align the wrist until the baby was delivered and the wound was closed. That’d be too big a risk. He did what he could to maintain circulation. Not for a minute did he let Addie think he was waiting. He knew she accepted the urgency.

  They all did. Cliff was monitoring breathing, no easy task for a patient as compromised as Briana. Rob, the family doctor who’d attended Tom, had appeared as surgery had started. ‘Tom’s okay,’ he told them. ‘Worried but good. He’s under obs and I’ll head back if needed, but I thought you might want someone for the baby.’

  Morvena was there. And Heidi.

  They had a warmed incubator. They had paediatric resuscitation equipment.

  Go.

  Addie swabbed, then cut with the skill and precision of years of training. She scooped in and lifted.

  There was an audible intake of breath. Held. Until the first weak cry...

  Which grew stronger. Indignation a plus!

  One tiny, fragile but already-turning-pink baby girl had entered the world.

  As Addie turned to hand her over to Rob—her priority had to be Briana as there was still danger of haemorrhage—she caught Noah’s glance. Just for a moment. It was a fleeting glimpse, a shadow of expression.

  Care?

  More than care. Involvement. Total empathy.

  Despite the intricacy of this operation, despite the concentration he had to apply, he had the whole room under surveillance. Did he know what each of them was thinking?

  What made her believe he knew what she was thinking? She hardly knew herself. All she knew was that as she handed over the tiny bundle of new life into Rob’s skilled hands, as she hesitated for just one fraction of a second, as she felt the tug of letting go...

  She knew Noah was with her.

  ‘Hey, she looks great.’ Rob had her on the pre-warmed pad, using suction to clear the tiny airway, performing a fast examination, looking for impact damage. ‘She looks perfect.’

  And for that tiny moment Addie’s control slipped.

  Perfect.

  ‘Chopper’s on its way with the neonatal squad,’ Noah told Rob, but he was looking at Addie.

  She got it.

  He knew.

  But the fraction of hesitation was past. She’d turned back to the operating table. Morvena was handing her the instruments she needed.

  There was bleeding. Addie could see the damage to the uterus where the placenta had started separating.

  They’d been so lucky. A new little life...

  She was back at work, suturing, doing her darnedest to ensure that if Briana wanted future babies it’d be possible.

  Doing her darnedest to make babies possible.

  All the while she had a baby growing within her.

  Noah’s.

  * * *

  The helicopter took off an hour later. Aboard was a dazed but conscious Tom, an even more dazed but conscious Briana, and one tiny newborn called Alicia Adeline.

  ‘Don’t make any decisions until the drugs wear off,’ Addie had told them when they’d told her the name, but Briana had smiled weakly and taken her hand.

  ‘You were the last person I saw when I went to sleep and when I woke up, my baby was here,’ she whispered. ‘I’d like to use Noah, too, but that’ll have to wait until next time.’

  ‘And there will be a next time.’ Noah stood next to Addie on the hospital veranda and watched as the chopper lifted. ‘You’ve not only saved the baby,’ he told Addie, ‘I saw the way you stitched that uterus and I’d defy a second kid to rip that neat little bit of handiwork, no matter how hard he or she stretches. ‘That’s some skill you have, Dr Blair.’

  ‘Speak for yourself, Dr McPherson.’ She’d seen what he’d done with Briana’s wrist. She’d seen the skill and surety of the thoracostomy tube. Most of all she’d seen the way he’d settled Briana’s panic, and Tom’s as well when he’d seen his wife and reacted with terror at the sight of the attached medical paraphernalia.

  But now they were on their way to Sydney in the best of hands. Yes, tiny Alicia was prem and Briana would need further surgery, but all indications were that this was a happy ending.

  For a moment Addie let herself relax. She closed her eyes and the emotions of the day took a step back.

  She was standing on the veranda, with the feel of the afternoon sun on her face, the sound of the wash of the sea in her ears, the gentle talk of the oldies in the background...

  The faintest of touches of Noah’s body against hers.

  And then his arm came around her and held.

  ‘You’re pregnant,’ he said, and it wasn’t a question.

  CHAPTER NINE

  SHE DIDN’T OPEN her eyes.

  This was just an extension of what she was feeling, she thought. God was in his heaven, and all was right with her world.

  She was pregnant.

  ‘I am,’ she whispered. ‘About two minutes pregnant. Far too soon to...’

  Far too soon to be sure of anything. Too soon to know if it was a viable pregnancy. Too soon to know if it was ectopic.

  Too soon to tell if it was anything other than hope.

  He’d know all those things.

  He didn’t say anything. For a long moment they simply stood. His hand wasn
’t possessive. It was simply a touch in the small of her back. Contact. Warmth.

  Strength?

  She needed to pull away, to let him know she didn’t need it. She didn’t need him. So she would, in a moment, but just for now she let herself absorb his touch as part of the peace of this moment.

  They’d just saved a little life.

  There was a possibility of a little life between them.

  There were, however, practicalities. Cliff and Rob were cleaning up inside. There were case notes to be written up—they’d sent brief notes with the chopper but a fax with details needed to be sent to Sydney Central, hopefully to arrive before the chopper did. Then the normal Saturday afternoon bumps and bruises from Currawong would be waiting.

  The world was waiting.

  She made a move to step away but suddenly Noah’s hold firmed.

  ‘You’re not in this alone, Addie. This is a shared journey.’

  She blinked. What had she expected him to say?

  Was he laying claim to her baby? Maybe he was, but the way he’d said it...

  ‘I can manage,’ she was able to get out. ‘I... Even if it does...turn out to be viable...’ she took a deep breath ‘...you know there’s every chance I’ll miscarry. Or it’ll be another ectopic.’

  ‘And there’s every chance it won’t.’

  ‘I won’t let myself go down that road yet. Maybe...in a couple of weeks...’

  ‘Then we can find out whether it’s in the right place.’ He smiled down at her. ‘A scan will be exciting—though it’ll be too soon to tell if we’re having a boy or a girl.’

  If we’re having...

  We.

  ‘It’ll be too soon to tell anything other than whether the pregnancy’s in utero or in the fallopian tubes,’ she managed. ‘At five weeks the pregnancy’s just...a thing.’

  A thing. Who was she kidding?

  Her baby.

  He’d said we.

  ‘You don’t need... Noah, if you want...this can be nothing to do with you. I never meant—’

  ‘And neither did I,’ he said. ‘Neither of us planned this pregnancy, but it’s happened and it’s ours.’

  ‘You didn’t want this.’

  ‘Did I say I didn’t want this?’ His gaze met hers, strong and sure. But there was a trace of something else. Implacability? ‘Addie, you know darned well neither of us planned this—neither of us gave a thought to consequences. But it’s happened, and you’re feeling hope. And you know what? So am I.’

  ‘But I don’t want—’

  ‘Me? Sorry, Addie, but you’re stuck with me. You gave me assurances the night you didn’t take the pill and I’m holding you to them. I’m darned if I’ll be a sperm donor and back right out of your life. Out of our child’s life.’

  ‘But you’re going back to Sydney. You have Sophie to care for. And if you lose access... You said England.’

  ‘That might have to change.’ He shrugged. ‘Maybe it’d never happen anyway. Even if I don’t have access...to walk away from Sophie...and now you...’

  ‘Noah, you can’t factor me into that equation. For one thing it’s way too soon. It’s crazy. And I don’t need you. I won’t need you.’

  ‘So what do you mean by that?’ he asked, and she was so out of control she told him.

  ‘Noah, I can’t,’ she said. ‘I told you... All my life my mum needed me. She needed me for everything. Her need controlled my life. I nearly married Gavin because of it. I was a doormat, a nothing. Need’s no basis for anything. I won’t need you.’

  He stood and watched her, his face thoughtful. Kind? He was kind, she thought wildly. She could so easily...need.

  No.

  ‘That’s why you went the sperm donor route?’ he asked at last. ‘Is that why you’ve steered clear of any relationship? Because you’re scared of needing?’

  ‘And being needed.’ She fought for control, for sense, and managed a shamefaced smile. ‘I’m sorry, Noah, I’m not making sense to you, but I’m making sense to me.’

  ‘This baby will need you.’

  ‘I can teach independence. I will.’

  ‘Is that a priority? Independence?’

  ‘It has to be. Noah...’

  He saw her panic. She saw the moment he realised she was struggling for control.

  She saw the moment he decided to back off.

  ‘Let’s leave it,’ he said, gently now. ‘It is too soon. We need to wait. We wait until the five-week mark until we find out for certain whether he or she is in utero or not. We wait until three months until we can do a decent scan and find out if our baby has all the right bits and pieces. And then we wait for forty or so weeks until we can welcome our child.’

  Our child.

  ‘Anything can happen,’ she said miserably. ‘You can’t plan—’

  ‘I won’t plan,’ he told her. ‘I can only hope, as you’re hoping. But whatever happens...’ He sighed then and smiled but it was a tentative smile, a smile that said he was in unknown territory as much as she was. He put his hand up and traced her cheek with his forefinger, a feather touch that was maybe meant for reassurance but was maybe...much more?

  ‘But whatever happens,’ he repeated, ‘you’re not alone. Don’t look so panicked, love,’ he told her. ‘I’m not about to take control, holding you down while you act as an incubator for my child. Major decisions are yours to make. I’m with you, though. You’ll need—’

  ‘I won’t need.’ Anger surged again—or was it fear? Emotions were threatening to overwhelm her. ‘Don’t group me with Rebecca, Noah. Don’t you dare change your life because someone else needs you. I don’t. I won’t.’

  ‘Our baby might.’

  ‘Then that’s...that’s a contract between you and this baby. It’s for you to work out in the future. Noah, I need to get back on an even keel. I have case notes to write and so do you. We need to get back to work.’

  ‘But not ignore what’s going on.’

  ‘As best we can, yes,’ she managed. ‘Because I can’t allow myself to hope.’

  ‘Well, there’s a lost cause,’ he told her, and that smile flashed out again, the smile that was so dangerous it did her head in. ‘Because both of us are hoping with everything in our hearts.’ He hesitated. ‘Addie...you wouldn’t consider moving back into the doctors’ house?’

  ‘Why would I do that?’

  ‘If it is an ectopic—’

  ‘Then it’s way too early for it to cause problems. Noah, back off. I’m darned if I’ll have you staring at my tummy for the next forty weeks, waiting for something to explode.’

  ‘I wouldn’t do that. But I do care.’

  ‘Then stop caring,’ she said brusquely. ‘Or maybe...care a little bit but not that much, and only care about the baby. Care from a distance and not for me. For now we both need to put our heads down and move forward.’

  ‘But not together?’

  ‘There’s no together.’

  And that brought a matching flash of anger. Or frustration? Maybe a mix of both. ‘Addie, we now have a relationship, like it or not. That’s my baby you’re carrying.’ But then he paused, maybe having heard how he’d sounded. Deciding to regroup? ‘No. It’s ours,’ he said, more gently but just as firmly. ‘Yours and mine, and I will be involved. There has to be some sort of relationship for that to happen.’

  ‘Fine,’ she managed, but she knew she sounded scared. ‘I meant...just not a man and a woman relationship. Not a relationship based on need. That’s over. I’m never going down that road again, and neither should you.’

  The late afternoon and evening were busy and Noah was grateful. Thomas Emmanuel, aged seven, had come off his roller blades and fractured his arm. The greenstick fracture should have been easy to treat but Thomas’s mother was hysterical with anxiety and his father was threatening to
sue everyone, right down to the council who’d planted the trees in the park because it must have been the gum nuts on the path that had caused Thomas to fall. Their reactions had been transmitted to Thomas. By the time Noah saw him, the little boy was vomiting in fear and pain, and Noah could scarcely get near.

  It took patience, time and finally authority to settle things. ‘If you can’t be calm for your son, if you can’t let me work without interference, then Thomas will need to be evacuated to Sydney to be treated by a paediatric team. Is that what you wish?’

  It wasn’t. They backed off. He then had to spend time calming the little boy, getting him interested in what was going on, talking of how they could decorate his cast, until he could finally set his arm without resorting to general anaesthetic.

  Finally it was done. Thomas left between his parents, carrying his braced arm like a trophy. It had its first decoration—a motor bike sticker Noah just happened to have on hand for such an occasion, and the boy was asking where he could get more. The rest of the day’s odds and sods were sorted and Noah was free to go home.

  To the doctors’ house.

  Which was empty.

  He’d shared this house with Addie for less than a week. He’d been alone in it for almost two months before that.

  Why did it feel so lonely tonight?

  He ate the casserole Mrs Rowbotham had left him, then snagged a beer and went and sat on the front veranda. There were still lights on in some of the wards. There were people moving behind the drapes.

  People...

  He abandoned his beer and walked out of the hospital grounds, down to the beach beyond.

  He was done with people. Except for Sophie. Addie had it right when she said the last thing he wanted was someone else to need him.

  He didn’t.

  But?

  He was damned if he was going to leave her.

  Why? Because he wanted this baby?

  Yeah, okay, that was probably it. Something seemed to have died inside him the day Rebecca had told him he no longer had access to Sophie. Addie’s news had been like a bolt from the blue, and now it felt like the most extraordinary gift.