by K E Osborn
Fear of being hurt?
Fear of me hurting him?
I’m terrified of feeling any more pain than I’ve already been put through. The torment is overwhelming every inch of my being. I am traumatized by my mind.
“Jeni, you have to,” Chris argues loudly. The frustration comes through clearly in his tone, which makes Aiden turn his head and look straight at us.
Aiden’s eyes lock onto mine. His once beautiful sparkling blue eyes are now distant, dull, and full of anguish. He stares right at me, stands, dropping the blanket to the floor. He stumbles once, twice, trying to get inside, but he falls, breaking his whisky glass when he lands.
He struggles to get back to his feet, and then he staggers into the apartment toward Chris and me. The stench of whisky wafts off him in waves as he shuffles toward us.
I can’t move.
I’m stuck to the spot.
My body won’t allow me to do a thing.
I’m so happy to see him.
But devastated to see him this way.
He looks as broken as I feel, and I know I’m the reason for him being like this.
“Jeni,” Aiden whispers.
Chris looks at me and loosens his grip. In a panic, I take his hand, my eyes imploring him to stay, but he pulls away and heads to the balcony, leaving me alone with Aiden.
“You’re actually here? God, I miss you, baby,” Aiden slurs, stumbling toward me.
He looks terrible.
He hasn’t shaved for what looks like days and is wearing the same clothes he was wearing the day I left. “I love you s-so much,” he stutters, choking out his words.
My chest tightens, and I struggle to breathe. “Aiden… I…” He’s looking at me intently, waiting for me to finish my sentence, but I just shake my head. “You look terrible,” I state, and it makes him chuckle.
“Well, you look beautiful.”
I let out a long breath which sounds like a sigh. “Aiden, I don’t know what to say—”
“Say you love me!” His tone is desperate.
I close my eyes tightly as the pain in my chest becomes unbearable just by the mere mention of those words. I know he’s right—I do love him—there’s never been any doubt.
“Love’s never been the problem, Aiden.”
He takes a step closer. “I know, baby. I wish I could change what happened that day.”
I know what I’m about to say will hurt him, but for some reason I say it anyway. “I don’t think I can get past this.” The words are whisper quiet, but I know he heard me.
Aiden shakes his head emphatically. “Jeni, please come home. I’m a mess without you,” he begs, swaying, then falling to the floor in front of me.
“Aiden…”
He moves to get up, stumbles, and falls again.
Sadness washes over me—I’m the reason he’s like this—but I say the words I shouldn’t anyway, “You’re so drunk that you probably won’t even remember I was here.”
Aiden stands, takes a breath, then places his hands on my shoulders. “Jeni, I love you. You can’t leave me. I won’t let you.”
“You won’t let me?” I shove his hands off my shoulders defensively.
Aiden looks at me and backs away slightly as Chris rushes in from the balcony to assess the situation.
“You’re drunk and don’t even know what you’re saying. I love you. I will always love you. Nothing can change that, but I can’t be with you. Aiden, it’s over!” I walk toward the elevator as a loud thud bangs behind me, so I turn around and find Aiden’s fallen to his knees.
Chris rushes over to me as the color drains from Aiden’s face.
He sits with his head in his hands.
The sight breaks my heart into a thousand tiny broken shards.
He looks up at me, his eyes pleading. “Jeni, please. We can work this out. I love you so much. Please, please, please,” he continues to beg while we wait for the elevator.
Chris gives Aiden an understanding nod as he watches his best friend fall apart in front of him. Looking completely torn, Chris steps into the elevator with me. It can’t be easy for him having to choose a side right now. It doesn’t help that I’m lost, like I’m in some nightmare state and I’m trying desperately to wake up. I just can’t seem to figure out where the hell my life is going right now as my eyes stay on Aiden. As the doors slowly close, my heart pounds when I lose sight of him, and Chris wraps his arm around me.
I feel so fucking lost that I can hardly think. My knees are beyond weak. I have no energy left to keep myself functioning. My body collapses into Chris, and he holds me tight in his arms while trying to console me, but nothing works, forcing him to carry me to the car.
I don’t know what I expected by coming here.
A lifeline.
Something to help ease my troubled mind.
But all Aiden did was show me that when times get rough, we both fall apart.
Chris drives us back to Sarah’s house. My legs are cradled to my chest while I rock back and forth. I can’t cry anymore, but I’m sure if there were any tears left, I’d be a blubbering mess.
We pull into the driveway, and Chris manages to help me from the car, then ushers me inside the house. We walk past Sarah, and Chris shakes his head.
She frowns, rushing to my side. “Jeni, are you all right? Is there anything I can get you?”
I don’t reply, merely curling up on the sofa into a ball.
It hits me hard—I’m no longer with Aiden, we’ve officially broken up.
Numb, emotionless, and weak, I lay on the soft cushions. Sarah pulls down the blanket placing it over me as I zone out. She walks into the kitchen with Chris, and I overhear them whispering.
“What happened?”
“He was wasted. The idiot blew it.”
“What does that mean?”
“She broke it off with him.”
Sarah sighs as the landline rings, and she answers it. “Hello… hey, Aiden, I heard. How are you doing?” she asks. “Yeah, I think she means it. I’m sorry,” she offers, then I hear Chris take the phone. He starts to talk to Aiden, but I tune him out. Nausea washes over me, my body shaking. I’m overwhelmed and certainly not myself. Taking in a deep, slow, steadying breath, I try to bring myself back to something that resembles normal. The weight slightly lifts, and I hear Chris hang up the phone.
“It sounds like he’s a mess,” Sarah says quietly.
“You’ve no idea,” Chris replies.
I sit up on the sofa as my stomach lurches, my heart races, my mouth flooding with saliva. I stand and take off, racing to the bathroom, getting there just in time to expel the bile from my mouth into the bowl. I cough and splutter, my stomach twists and turns making me continually dry retch. I have no control over my body right now, and I feel like I’m losing a fight with my mind. Sarah’s hand touches my back, letting me know she’s there, comforting me while I continue to heave.
“Jeni, it’s going to be all right. Let it all out.” She rubs my back ever so gently.
I try to catch my breath and calm down. Eventually, my stomach starts to settle. I turn and slide down next to the bowl with my head in my hands. Sarah sits opposite me in the small room but says nothing, simply resting her hand on my knee in support. Eventually, we make our way to the bedroom.
She stays with me the entire night. The time passes slowly as I daze in and out of some sort of zombified state.
Eventually morning comes, and I wake to Sarah fiddling with my hair. I take in a deep breath and sit up slowly.
“Morning.” Sarah’s looks at me with her brows furrowed. The door of the bedroom creaks open, and Chris comes in to check on us.
“Morning,” I mumble to them both. “Sorry, Sarah,” I say, feeling guilty for keeping her here with me for the entire night.
“Hey, that’s what best friends are for.”
We both stand, and she walks with me arm in arm to the dining room where we take a seat.
“Thank you. I mean i
t.”
I feel slightly better than I did last night. At least my stomach isn’t churning, and although my chest is still hurting, my heart isn’t thudding out of control. Chris brings us both a cup of coffee and sits with us at the table.
Sarah takes my hand in hers. “Now that you have decided to end things with Aiden, have you thought about what you’re going to do? Maybe you should contact ADF and see if your old position is available? You need something to occupy your mind?”
My body sinks a little. “I think that’s a good idea, but I am pretty sure the position’s been filled. I have some savings, but that’s not going to last,” I reply.
The landline rings again, and Chris gets up to answer. “I told you to call my phone, man,” Chris grumbles sternly. “Shit, sorry. Yes, of course, she’s right here. I’ll put her on.” He pulls a funny face and mouths, ‘sorry.’ “Jeni, it’s your mom.”
I exhale, sliding out my seat and walk over to the phone and have a conversation with my mom about how I ended it with Aiden and what I am going to do next. She kindly offers for me to work with her at her salon while I look for something I’m more suited to. After a few tears and some comforting words from my caring mother, I hang up and walk back to sit at the table with Sarah and Chris.
“I have a job, working at our moms’ salon,” I tell Sarah, who’s displaying a wide grin.
“Um… no offense, but you have no idea about beauty, nails, waxing, hair, makeup, body wraps, or—”
“Yes, I know, but I can learn, can’t I?” I interject, then take a sip of my coffee. “At least I have a semi-plan in place to get me back out into the big wide world and pay my way.” I sigh, holding the coffee mug in my hands.
Sarah wraps her arm around my shoulders and pulls me to her. “I’m proud of you, Jen.”
“What for?”
“For starting again. It’s hard, but if you’ve made your mind up, then I’m proud of you for getting yourself back out there.”
“Fuck no! I’m not dating if that’s what you mean. As a matter of fact, I’ll never date again. I’m going to be that old lady with seventy-five cats and a houseful of junk.”
Sarah laughs. “Sooo not what I meant. I mean getting out of bed and off the sofa. Slowly but surely, Jeni.”
Yawning, I turn over and reach for my phone, unlock the screen to see four missed calls from Aiden. I frown and delete them. I start my new job today, so I get up the earliest I have in weeks. It’s taken almost a month to get to a point where I feel like I can semi-function, but I’m glad I feel together enough to start something new.
Dressing in a pair of black pants and a frilly black top, I walk to the bathroom and check myself in the mirror. My eyes have dark circles under them, but the bruising is practically gone now, and there are only a few minor yellow marks around my left eye. I pull out my makeup and start applying it, covering the yellow bruising and dark circles enough so no one will notice, which makes me content.
I meander into the kitchen where Sarah and Chris are kissing each other. It makes me think of Aiden, and I can’t help but wonder how he’s doing. He calls every day, and every day I let it go to voicemail.
I can’t bring myself to talk to him.
Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
I just don’t know.
I’m okay, not good, just okay. With the help of Sarah, Chris, and my mom, I’m able to at least semi-function. Sarah and Chris quickly separate when they see me. It makes me sad they feel like they have to hide their affection for each other from me. But in a way, I’m glad they do because every time I catch them kissing, it reminds me that I’ll never kiss Aiden again, and that thought terrifies me. This is why my head is so messed up. I want to be with Aiden so bad, and yet, I can’t find the strength to go back to him. I’m one fucked-up mess.
I fix myself some toast and a cup of coffee while Sarah stares at me tilting her head. “Going somewhere today, Jeni?”
I nod. “Yeah, the salon.”
Sarah smiles a beaming smile that makes her eyes sparkle, then she walks over and hugs me. “I’m proud of you for finally getting out of the house. It’ll do you good.”
Chris walks past me, pats me on the back but says nothing. Just a nice gesture of support.
“Thanks. It’s past time for me to pull my head out of my ass and get on with life.” I eat my breakfast and head out to my car. The poor thing struggles when I try to start it, seeing as it’s been over a month since I’ve driven her. Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares to You” blares on the radio, and I instantly think of Aiden. So I turn the radio off because the words ring true and hurt my heart. I know nothing will ever compare to Aiden, he is, no was, the love of my life. I clear my throat, holding back the emotion. Putting my car in reverse, I drive into the city. When I arrive at Mom’s salon, I pull in behind her car and walk inside, feeling a glimmer of hope that life’s somehow going to get back on track. I haven’t worked since I was at O’Connell Finance, so this is a big step.
Mom looks up, letting out a small squeal when she sees me. “Oh, honey, you’re here. I was beginning to think you were having second thoughts about coming to work for me as it has been a month since we discussed you coming in.”
I sturdy my shoulders. “I’m here, and I’m looking forward to a hard day’s work.”
“Your face is healing fast.” She brings her hand up and lightly touches my cheek, and I give her a nod.
“Okay, so what would you like me to do?” I ask, trying hard to fight off the image in my head of Jason beating me as it swarms through my mind.
Classic PTSD.
I really should talk to someone.
But I know I won’t.
My stubbornness sometimes is a problem. Even I know it.
“Let’s start with you answering the phone, taking bookings, sweeping up after the hairdressers, and general tidying up. Does that all sound okay?”
“Of course, as long as it keeps me distracted.”
Mom ushers me over to the front desk.
“Hey, Jeni,” someone calls out. I turn around to see Sarah’s mother walking toward me with her arms open wide.
“Trish, how are you?”
“I’m great. How are you doing? What am I saying? You’re fine. You’re as strong as they come, aren’t you, sweetie pie? How is that boyfriend of Sarah’s… Chris, is it? Looking after my girl? Is she doing well? Is he making her happy?” She asks so many questions at once my head spins, but it makes me chuckle for the first time in ages.
“She’s fine. Chris is awesome. They’re going to be one of the lucky ones, I think.”
“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that. Otherwise, I’d have to have him hunted down by the Defiance MC or something, you know? I happen to know the president from Houston, Zero, personally. We had this thing once when we were younger, you know…” Trish waggles her brows and carries on in her usual joking manner.
Mom snorts out a laugh, then grabs me by the arm and drags me away as Trish continues to ask questions that go unanswered.
Mom giggles in my ear. “She loves Chris, really. And as for Zero, it was a one-night stand, and she has no idea how to even contact him now. Okay, so changing the subject, let me show you how to use the booking system and introduce you to everyone.”
This feels good.
I’m finally feeling like I have a place in this world rather than wallowing in my own self-induced grief. Mom takes me around the salon, showing me everything she needs to, then introduces me to all her employees. Everyone’s cheery and nice, and I have to admit, being around upbeat people does great things for my mood. I think this will be good for me—they’ll keep me happy and focused.
The doors open to the first customers of the day. I greet them individually and then lead them to the appropriate workstation.
The day is a busy one, and I feel I’m doing quite well. I am able to keep up with everyone’s requests, make them coffee, and do the lunch run. The feeling of being a contributing memb
er of the staff is helping the self-esteem I’m lacking here of late.
I loved my job at ADF Automotive Repairs and wanted to go back there. The only problem was they had employed someone else, and there wasn’t a position available for me right now, but Mel said she would do her best to find me something as soon as she could. After the disappointment of not being able to go back, I realized it was for the best, because there are too many memories there, and there’s also the Tim factor.
The final customer leaves for the day, and Mom shuts and locks the door behind her. Once she turns the sign to closed, we both sigh with relief.
“Great job today, honey. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Mom. I really appreciate you letting me work here.”
She scoffs. “Oh, honey, I’d do anything to help you, you know that. But this job is only for now, until you can get back on your feet. You’re far too talented to work here for long. You need to find something back in your field. Something you will enjoy doing. In the meantime, though, I love having you all to myself.”
It’s my fourth day working at the salon, and today, for some reason, I wake feeling down. There’s no real reason for it, but I suppose after everything I have been through, a down day is to be expected now and then. The excitement of a new job has worn off, and now I’m back to being less than content. They say a change is as good as a holiday, but this change is problematic because I don’t feel like I’m contributing to my best ability. I have so much more to offer than sweeping floors and making appointments. I know I’m going to have to start looking for something more up my ally soon, but for now, I just need to suck it up and get on with another day at the salon.
Pulling my car up behind Mom’s, I get out, and make my way to the shop. The salon is on Main Street, and I can see O’Connell Finance in the distance. That, in itself, sets my mood spiraling even lower.
Making my way to the front desk, Mom notices me and frowns. “Bad day today, honey?” Not waiting for an answer, she simply moves in, hugging me tightly as I try to take control over my mood.
“If it gets too much, let me know, and we’ll go out for a coffee break.”
