Beauty from Ashes: Authors & Dancers Against Cancer Anthology

by Vera Quinn

  Ellie peeked up at him and shrugged, feeling like a child again as she tried to ignore the rebuking look on his face. Her father might have called her princess, but the way he drew the syllables out made her cringe. He only ever said it that way when he was not happy with her.

  “Why does it have to be my fault?”

  The snort reached her ears, and she sat up with a sigh. Her father made his way to the chair beside her and sat down quietly. Everything about him was quiet, and for a man who made a bear look small, that was quite a feat. His dark red hair curled slightly and his big blue eyes gave her a look that said that she knew why he was asking. Her father had a way of knowing exactly what to say to make her feel guilty, not that she didn’t already.

  “Well it’s not often that Logan calls me so upset. That boy cares about you.”

  “Yeah, right,” she said quietly as she picked at the nail polish on her right hand. “If he wasn’t getting paid, he wouldn’t be here.”

  “You really believe that?” he asked in an irritated voice. “After all he’s done for you?”

  Ellie looked him in the eyes and regretted it, hearing her statement for what it was, an excuse for her bad behavior. She knew she was acting like a spoiled brat, but she needed to be angry. The desperate, dark feelings festering inside her needed to get out, even if it was this way. She hated it with every fiber of her being, but she felt as if she dared to let the darkness out there would be no coming back.

  “I know he cares. He wouldn’t still be here because lately all I seem to be capable of is acting like a bitch.”

  “You are,” he agreed quickly. “I’ve never seen you act this way and frankly your mother and I are worried about you. Your mother and I didn’t raise you to be that way.” He tossed his keys and wallet down on the table and took her plate, scooping a forkful of eggs into his mouth. “Even with the cancer, you know better.”

  “Yes, Da,” she said, looking for something to occupy her attention. She hated being called out on her shit and when her father did it, it was twice as bad. She snagged a piece of toast off the platter and bit into it. “I’ll apologize to Logan.”

  “If you can get him to come back. He sounded pretty frustrated and upset.”

  Ellie chewed slowly, hoping that Logan wasn’t ready to give up on her. She felt the tears gathering in her eyes and took deep breaths, trying to keep them inside. She didn’t know why it seemed like the worst thing that could happen right now, but imagining Logan leaving for good pulled at her heart and made her dizzy. “He’ll understand. He has to. He’s the only one who does.”

  James put his fork down and put his warm hand over her own. She sighed and put her own free one on top of it. “I’m here to,” he said quietly, his deep growling voice comforting despite its gruffness.

  “I know, Daddy,” she said simply, trying to smile. “You always are.”

  “It’ll be fine, my girl,” he said comfortingly as he wrapped her in a hug that almost made everything better. For the first time in a long time, she found herself actually allowing herself to believe that it might, despite the niggling doubt in the back of her brain that screamed that it would never be alright again.

  “Call him.”

  Ellie sighed and pulled away, nodding. She pulled out her iPhone. The Lilo and Stitch case sparkled in the sunlight as she hit Logan’s contact. The line rang and went right to voicemail. Ellie bit her lip in worry because Logan always answered his phone. He was addicted to it. She tried again but still got voicemail.

  “I can’t reach him,” she said breathlessly as she met her father’s eyes. “What am I going to do?”

  Logan

  Logan heard the phone chime and picked it up automatically. He had an issue with his phone, if it dinged, he had to check it. If he was being honest with himself it had really only started after he met Ellie. He guessed he had a knight-in-shining-armor complex where she was concerned. His eyes dart over the message even though he trie not to.

  Ellie: Logan, answer your phone

  Ellie: LOOOOGAN!!

  The phone chimed again, and Logan tried to ignore it. His finger itched, and he really want to answer. He sat on the same bench wondering why the hell he couldn’t seem to move. He’d been sitting there for so long that the people going in and out of the coffee shop were looking at him funny. The small, wide-eyed blonde behind the counter was giving him dirty looks, and he was sure at any minute she was going to call the police.

  Ellie: I was such a bitch.

  He sighed as the texts continued, a litany of pleas that he wished she’d been able to say in person. Ellie was always able to say anything via text, but his head was so torn up right now that he didn’t know what he was going to say if he answered. Part of him screamed at himself to answer. He felt it in every muscle in his body—that need to make it all right—but damn it, he wanted to be alright too.

  Ellie: Come back. Please…

  Logan almost went, he even went to stand up, but something held him back. He had to wait, but he wasn’t sure what he was waiting for. He tapped the leg of his blue jeans nervously. His knee jiggled as his work boots shook against the metal leg of the bench. He continued to wait, somehow not texting back even though his fingers hovered over the keys. Something told him that this was important somehow. He just wasn’t sure why. Then when her next text came in, he knew.

  Ellie: I’m sorry.

  The words hit him like a ton of bricks. The only person she’d ever said sorry to was one of her parents. Everyone else got jokes and snarky replies. He knew now that if she was apologizing that she needed him, really needed him. He pushed his phone back in his pocket and stood so fast, the bench nearly tipped. He waived to the girl behind the counter and tossed his coffee cup into the trash can. He pushed his unruly hair down with his cold hands and began walking as fast as possible back to the house.

  Ellie

  Ellie sighed and put her phone down on the table with a thump. “He didn’t answer,” she said sadly as she felt the tears slipping down her cheeks. Her father put his big arms around her and hugged her. Ellie was glad that he had never been the type of father who was afraid to show emotion. The same could not be said about her mother. Growing up had been hard, stuck between her cold and distant mother and the father she had adored. It was like being on a seesaw and Ellie had to admit that when they had finalized the divorce a few months ago that she had been happy.

  Her father’s arms pulled her into his shoulder and she sighed, wondering how her father had ever lived with someone as closed off as her mother for so long. All her good childhood memories were with him. He had been the parent to go to when something was wrong.

  “I’m sure he’ll come back,” James said softly as he sat back and pushed her hair back. “He cares about you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was on his way here now. You told him you were sorry, right?”

  “Yes, Da, I did.”

  James laughed, and his whole face lit up with mirth. He rubbed her shoulder and despite her misery, Ellie found herself smiling. She wasn’t sure what she’d been about to say because a slow knock sounded at the door as the key turned in the lock. Ellie felt the smile splitting over her face as Logan appeared around the open door. Ellie had to hide the smile against her father’s chest as he hugged her with a chuckle.

  “You’re on your own, kid,” he whispered in her ear as he grabbed his coat and shook Logan’s hand on the way out. She watched him go, suddenly nervous to be alone with Logan. She looked at him and tried her best not to fidget nervously. She hated being wrong, hated having to say she was sorry, but she knew she had to. Texting it would never be enough. Logan deserved better.

  Ellie stood still as he carefully took off his coat and laid it on the chair by the door. If her mother were here, she would have had a fit. She liked everything in its place. Ellie played with the tablecloth, wanting to go to him and apologize, but the famous Irish stubbornness held her back. Elle saw Logan standing by the couch and knew she had to go to
him. She sighed deeply and walked toward him, trying not to tremble as she approached. She didn’t realize how much the thought of losing him had wrecked her until she’d worried he might not come back.

  “I’m sorry,” she said softly, looking down at his work-boot-clad feet as she stopped in front of him. “I know I acted like a bitch.” Logan stepped closer until he was in her space and Ellie’s head snapped up immediately as if drawn by a magnet. His green eyes smiled down at her and Ellie felt her throat clog as his lips curved into an amazing smile. His arms came around her and if possible, he stepped closer, hugging her.

  “I know,” he said softly. “You were just being you.”

  “Hey,” Ellie said softly as she smacked his massive chest. “There is such a thing as accepting an apology gracefully.”

  “You deserved it.”

  Ellie didn’t realize her hand was on his chest until she didn’t move it. Logan had hugged her before, but this felt different. This felt as if something had changed. Ellie peeked at him from under her eyelashes and tried not to notice how strong the arms were that held her.

  “I really am sorry,” she said in a voice so breathless that she knew he had to have heard it too. God, when did she start sounding like a breathless porn star? she asked herself as she looked up at him, unable to look away.

  He pushed a lock of her hair back underneath the headband she wore and rubbed his fingers across her cheek. Ellie shivered and leaned into the touch, not sure what was making her so bold now. Maybe it was the idea of losing him. She put her hand over his, holding his hand in place.

  “I know you are,” he said softly. “We all have dark moments.”

  “I seem to be having a lot of them lately,” she said as she tried to avoid his gaze.

  Logan tilted her chin up and made her look at him. He never let her get away with anything. “We will get through this. It will be okay.”

  “If you say so wise one,” she said with a smirk as she pushed him back. She needed a little humor to dispel the tension that had fallen like a lead weight on them. Logan knew her and sensing her mood, leaned over and jerked the headband off her head, dancing out of reach.

  “You know what we need?” he asked with a laugh, letting her off easy for the moment. “A movie night.”

  “It’s the middle of the day,” she protested as she tried to grab the headband back but gave up as he easily raised it out of reach.

  “But there’s never a wrong time for Star Wars,” he said with a laugh.

  “Anything you say, Master.”

  Logan

  Logan barely managed to hold in his gasp as she said it, but just barely. Something about the way she said master brought some very different images to mind. Now that he’d allowed himself to admit how he felt in no uncertain terms, he couldn’t stop himself from feeling it. The flood gate was open.

  “Um yeah,” he stuttered shakily as she finally grabbed her headband and plopped it back on her head. She smiled and pulled it back in place and then too took his hand, pulling him to the couch. Logan felt tongue-tied, like has was a teenager again. She sat down while he put the movie in. She reached behind her and flipped the lights off, plunging the room into darkness. He sat down as far away from her as possible.

  Logan shakily watched as Kylo Ren burst onto the screen and he tried to get lost in it, but the feeling of her so close to him kept pulling him out of the story. Ellie inched close to him as Rey and Kylo battled it out on screen. The tension between them flared to life, almost echoing the feelings inside him. By the time Rey and Kylo were fighting on the fallen death star, Ellie was snuggled against his side driving him crazy.

  Logan kept looking over at her, wanting something he’d never wanted to imagine before. Her lips pursed as she sucked on sour gummy bears and watched the movie intently. She had a crush on Kylo Ren and this was their favorite Star Wars movie. They’d watched it a thousand times, but it had never been like this. What before had been companionable and easy was now like being cuddled up to a live wire. Logan wondered if she was feeling half of what he was, and if so, how was she not jumping out of her skin.

  “What’s wrong?” Ellie said around a mouthful of gummy bears. “You look like you just sucked a gummy bear down your windpipe.”

  “Nope, I’m fine.”

  “You are such a bad liar,” she said all serious now as she turned to face him. It took a lot to distract her from Kylo Ren, but Logan had her full attention. She turned toward him and he could see the light from the movie’s flickering light washing over her skin. “I thought we were okay now. Are you still mad?”

  Logan sighed and turned to her in the darkened room, wanting to be honest. He knew he had to tell her, but something inside him was afraid. “No, I’m not mad,” he said softly. He took a deep breath, not knowing how to say what was in his heart. “I’m just trying to say what I need to without sounding like some weird creep.”

  Ellie smiled and leaned closer to him. Logan’s head swam as he caught her floral perfume, lilacs he thought. His hands shook as she put her hands on his. He had never felt like this before—this moment was one he would remember his whole life. Ellie’s blue eyes glowed in the semi-darkness of the living room and he wanted nothing more than to touch her. She looked at him expectantly, and he found himself unable to say what was hanging on the edge of his tongue.

  “Say it,” she whispered softly as she scooted even closer and put her hands on his face, pulling him to her. “I want to hear you say it.”

  “El,” he stuttered out even more softly, “you are amazing. All I want is to be with you, to take care of you.” He felt ridiculous, but the truth spilled forth so fast he was surprised he could stop himself. He probably would have gone on to tell her how he adored her and loved her if she hadn’t stopped him with her kiss.

  Ellie

  Ellie moaned into the kiss, leaning into him, wanting to be closer. Her whole body felt alive for the first time ever. She couldn’t remember a time when she had felt more, felt everything. She now knew what it meant when someone said “It was like holding a live wire.” Logan’s big arms surrounded her as his mouth devoured her. Ellie had never wanted anything more, and she knew that she had wanted it for a long time. She had come to depend on him so much that her feelings had been hidden behind that need, but now she knew in a blinding flash that she wanted him.

  The world had been a bad, awful place, but having Logan had made it bearable, made it fun. Ellie realized that without him in her life, she probably wouldn’t have made it this far. The darkness that always lingered at the back of her mind would have overtaken her. Ellie rammed her hands into his hair, pulling him closer, trying her best to fall into him.

  “Logan, let’s take care of each other,” she moaned softly as she broke the kiss and nibbled down the strong cords of his neck. “I… I need you.”

  She knew she sounded breathless, but she couldn’t help it. Logan was her lifeline, and she wanted more than she ever had before to just feel. Logan carefully pulled her under him, making sure not to rest too much of his massive weight on her. Ellie arched up against him and pulled him closer, wanting the whole solid weight of him on her. His lips crashed back onto hers as his hands ran down her shirt and skirted over her breasts underneath. Ellie arched against him, offering him access. His warm, hard hands slid under her shirt and glanced across her skin. Ellie moaned and pushed him off so she could sit up and pull her shirt off over her head. Her hair cleared the shirt and she leaned back on her arms, her black lace bra gently cupping her mocha skin in the muted light. Logan slid his eyes over her, unable to believe that this was happening. All the months of suppressed feelings seemed to explode as his wide fingers stroked her through the lace. Ellie moaned and pushed her breasts further into seeking hands, wanting nothing more than to feel his hands and mouth on her bare skin.

  “I just want to take care of you,” Logan said in a whispered voice. “I have always wanted—”

  Ellie stopped his talking mid-sentenc
e when she unsnapped her bra and pulled it off. Logan’s eyes ran over her large smooth breasts and he found himself tongue-tied. She was beautiful. The deep mocha color of her skin contrasted with her light eyes, making her seem otherworldly. He had never seen a more beautiful woman in his life. His fingers started a gentle path over her face and traced down her neck as she arched against him. Her long curly hair flowed down her back, covering her supportive arms, and Logan moaned as she pulled him down toward her. Logan pulled back long enough to strip off his shirt and then when his chest hit hers, it was skin to skin.

  “I just want to make you feel good. For you to know how beautiful and amazing you are,” he said as his mouth ran down her neck.

  “You always do,” she breathed out heavily as his mouth kissed the slopes of her breasts. “I feel safe with you, like I’m precious.”

  “You are,” he said softly as his serious green eyes met hers, “the most important person in my world.”

  Logan

  Ellie’s smile was more beautiful than any sunrise he’d ever seen. The gleam of tears in her eyes yanked Logan’s heart, and he knew now, more than ever, that he was lost to her. This slip of a woman had taken his whole heart without him knowing.

  “Logan, I lo—” she began softly as she cupped his face. He so wanted her to finish those words. He was barely breathing in anticipation, but her words stopped short as the lights flipped on and her mother screeched in shock.

  Logan cringed as Alicia’s scream rang around the apartment and in his ears. He and Alicia had never gotten along. She’d tried to get him fired several times, claiming that he was somehow inadequate at his job. He knew she wanted him gone because she’d made a pass at him early in his care of Ellie and he had refused. Alicia was beautiful in a cool, perfect kind of way that made his skin crawl. He still didn’t know how someone as warm and kind as James had been married to her or how they had produced Ellie.