‘That was amazing. You two were really awesome.’
Emma’s life definitely needed more awesome, but right at that moment, she needed to appreciate all the awesome that existed in her loved ones. The rest of life’s nonsense deserved to be ignored. At least for the moment. Because right now they were busy absorbing the magic of a night sky all of their very own.
Nathan’s Diary
Is it weird that I’m glad it was the last jump? I thought I’d be distraught that I might never get the chance to do it again. That somehow it would be like severing a limb… Instead, there is relief.
I no longer have to be the adrenaline junkie, fuelled by the ecstasy of others. The need to chase the coat-tails of the extreme has left me. And I’m glad. Because sometimes something ending isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it represents a change for the better.
I wish the dream would resolve as succinctly. It’s hard to see straight when something has been pressing on your thoughts for so long. If I went a week without it keeping me company at night, perhaps I’d see how ludicrous it is to believe what my imagination is pumping out.
I wish it would end and provide me with a new beginning.
Instead, I’m forever reminded about my own mortality. Of how this is the year it all ends.
And what am I supposed to make of this change? Of the baby’s cries in my dream? Because I can’t help but feel it all has to be for a reason. Otherwise why would I keep dying every time I dream? Why would that baby be crying other than to pinch at my conscience to the point it is screaming?
Today it’s time for the lump to go. And I can’t help but feel that dread. Because perhaps it is also the day the dream comes to fruition…
Twenty
Nathan
Day Twenty
‘There have to be better transport options than this,’ Nathan said. Today they were going for the double. Emma had her follow-up and Nathan had his surgery.
Nathan’s stomach was grumbling. He wasn’t allowed to eat prior to surgery, but he already knew he was last on the list, as they’d been kind enough to schedule things so that he was able to join Emma for her appointment.
There were proving to be many advantages to the medical staff believing they were a couple.
‘We’re on here now. Stop moaning. Anyway, it’s good for the environment.’
Nathan didn’t want her to think he was some kind of transport snob, but there was a distinct smell of urine and he was unable to work out if it was coming from the upholstery or a guy a few rows down.
It was making him wonder if there had been any point to the shower he’d had this morning with some kind of antibacterial solution the hospital had given him. Clearly he was coating himself with all sorts of germs on this choice of transport. Driving wasn’t an option as he wouldn’t be allowed to on their return and Emma didn’t feel confident about driving a car as old as his. As he hadn’t told a single other soul yet, they were opting not to call on anyone’s help. And even though Emma had her results, she’d wanted to arrange some extra care for her mother prior to telling her, so there would be one less thing for Carole to worry about.
‘Promise me we can get a taxi on the way back. No open wound is going to survive this environment.’
‘I don’t think it’s classed as open when it’s stitched up and covered with a dressing.’
‘Even so, I think it will aid my recovery if I don’t have to face this on my return.’
‘It stinks, doesn’t it?’
‘It really does.’
Joking about the stench of urine made Nathan smile. He hadn’t thought that would be possible today. He was disproportionately concerned about the straightforward procedure he was due to have. It wasn’t major surgery. It wasn’t even in the same ballpark as the mastectomy they were talking Emma through today. But there was that black cloud that followed him everywhere these days… This was the year in which he died.
‘I don’t have to be there for another forty-five minutes. Let’s get off now. We’ve got enough time to walk the rest of the way,’ Emma said.
Her words broke Nathan from his melancholy. They’d got the earlier bus so as not to be late. He wasn’t sure why either of them was in such a hurry to get to appointments they’d rather not face. ‘I’ve never wanted to make a break for freedom more.’
When they tumbled off the bus together they both took the biggest breath of fresh air.
‘I’m pretty sure I haven’t taken a proper lungful of air since we got on that bus. You’re lucky I didn’t pass out on you.’ Nathan wasn’t even joking. Considering his recent experience with panic attacks, he really should be trying to avoid not breathing properly.
‘Same here. There aren’t many smells so bad that not taking oxygen on board seems like a good option.’ Emma’s frame was slender, like a ballerina. She’d be light as a feather to catch, but it wouldn’t help if he passed out alongside her.
After a few more breaths, they headed off up the hill towards the hospital. Although getting sweaty was also undoing the good of his morning shower, it was still one hundred per cent preferable to remaining on the bus with all the urine particles that might have been landing on his skin.
It wasn’t a steep hill, so it wasn’t really a workout. But everything seemed to take much more effort of late. As if that one small lump was weighing him down and making even the simplest tasks difficult.
Despite how he was feeling, there were still signs everywhere that spring was beginning to awaken. The branches of cherry blossom trees were filling with pink buds as another year of seasons was set to start its cycle.
Nathan slipped his hand into Emma’s. He didn’t think about it, and yet as he did it he knew it was the right thing to do. They were in this together. If she didn’t know that by now, he wanted to make sure she did. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘I should be asking you that, shouldn’t I?’
‘I think we both get to ask the question.’ Nathan recognised that she was avoiding answering. And he couldn’t blame her. ‘How are you feeling?’ was such a naff way to open up conversation given what they were faced with.
‘It doesn’t feel real. My brain doesn’t seem to think any of this is plausible. I’m about to go into an appointment to discuss having my boob removed. It’s not even remotely close to the kind of thing I should be enjoying at this point in life.’
‘That reminds me. We need to check that it’s okay for us to go off on a jaunt beforehand.’
‘What are you on about?’
‘Your everlasting act… You said you wanted to go and see puffins. I’m going to make sure that we do.’
‘But you need to concentrate on today even more than me. Stop avoiding the question – how are you feeling?’
‘I think we might both be guilty of that. Well, as we know, my day involves having my third nipple removed. The less I think about that the better.’ Although he hadn’t lived with it for long, he was going to be glad to have it gone, even if the thought of being a patient in a hospital room terrified him.
‘Are you sure you want to come to my appointment? I doubt hearing about my situation is going to provide much of a distraction.’
They were coming up to the bridge of the hill. There was only a corner to turn and then the great hulk of the hospital would be in view.
Nathan stopped, not quite ready to turn the corner just yet. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He wanted to hold her. He wanted to kiss her. He was normally a natural when life called for such things, but instead he was staring at her like a moron. ‘I’m going to be there for you. The same as you’re there for me.’
‘Thank you. And thank you for what you did for my mum. It truly was the most amazing thing.’ Emma glanced down at their intertwined hands, as if she sensed Nathan’s awkwardness. ‘I can still hear her squeals of delight. Everyone deserves a moment like that.’
Nathan looked Emma directly in the eyes and placed his hands on her shoulders. ‘You’ll get your moment.
And we’ll make sure lots of other people will as well. We just need to get today out of the way first. We just need to tackle one step at a time.’
If he thought about everything they were facing, it would soon get overwhelming. One step at a time seemed like good advice, but he was all too aware they were leaning over a chasm.
With his hands on Emma’s shoulders, Nathan was in no rush to move. The expression on Emma’s porcelain face was the most important thing in the world. Tendrils of hair blew against her pale cheeks.
He brought his lips down to meet hers, not quite reaching that last quarter, leaving a gap for her to bridge. He wasn’t going to force a kiss on her – that should never happen – even though every particle of him wanted their lips to meet. It would be a reminder of what it was to be alive – a reminder he longed for right now.
Emma eased herself fractionally closer. Not so much that the kiss was complete. Just enough for Nathan to realise that maybe he wasn’t the only one who felt there was something pulling them together.
And just as that thought made his heart flutter, Emma pulled away. ‘We can’t. We shouldn’t.’
‘Why not?’ Nathan’s disappointment carried through to his response. He was always in favour of listening to his instincts, even if it had been known to get him into trouble. Right now, he was very much in favour of getting into trouble.
‘You’ve sanitised, for starters. You don’t need me adding to your germ load pre-surgery. And plus, we don’t need to add to our worries. We’ve both got procedures to get through. We don’t need the added pressure of a relationship starting between us.’
‘You’re right. This isn’t the time or the place to start something. It was just a moment. Spontaneity took over me.’ But with every word, Nathan was moving closer to her, not further away. Or was she getting closer after all?
‘It’s not the time or place at all,’ Emma whispered, as their lips met for the first time.
It didn’t take any thought to embrace the softness of Emma’s kiss, the gentle yet intense pressure making every part of him feel alive. The slow sweep of her tongue; the taste of spearmint. But there were thoughts seeping through. Because this wasn’t just any kiss… It was a perfect one. It was telling him a story… It was telling him that somehow this act was going to merge them together, and somehow they would be able to save one another.
If only he knew how.
Twenty-One
Emma
Kissing Nathan was the first time Emma really understood the concept of her heart ruling her head. It was also the first time she’d known what it was to be properly kissed.
Emma hadn’t been able to resist, but she wasn’t able to ignore the thoughts running through her head, telling her the timing wasn’t right. Not when they both needed to be concentrating on their health first and foremost. And yet when his lips reached hers, there had been nothing she’d wanted more. And given what she was facing, she knew she had to learn to live a little.
Once they’d unlocked lips, they’d wandered the rest of the way to the hospital hand-in-hand, her fingers tingling. It didn’t seem real now they were sitting waiting for Emma’s appointment. But it was going to be easier to face it while holding Nathan’s hand, with the taste of his kiss still on her lips.
Emma and Nathan had barely been on their seats long enough for the padded cushions to mould into the shapes of their butts before someone called for Emma to come in.
It was the same nurse who’d been in the room on diagnosis day.
‘What was your name again?’ Emma asked, deciding she needed to be a bit more awake to facts and details this time. She wasn’t going to be able to live in denial forever.
‘I’m Miranda, your specialist nurse. I work alongside Dr Howson. Please take a seat.’
The room was the same one as before. The same information posters on the wall; the same instruments on the doctor’s desk. Emma had been hoping for something a bit cosier. Something more like home. Hopefully that came further along in the we-need-to-lop-your-boob-off journey.
Trying to think about it in a tongue-in-cheek kind of manner was the only way she was coping with this. Because the reality was too much to bear. She would bear it, of course she would – she would do whatever was within her power to do. But it didn’t seem fathomable that this was a battle she was facing in her twenties, and when her mother needed her the most.
‘Hopefully you’ve had a chance to read the information leaflets we gave you?’ Dr Howson asked. Emma shook her head. ‘I’ve been helping my mum skydive,’ she said, as way of explanation. It was an excuse really. She’d not wanted to look through any of the facts she’d been offered. She hadn’t been able to face up to any of it.
‘Okay. If you could manage to before your next appointment, you might find it helpful. They give a good explanation as to what to expect. As discussed before, we plan to go for a mastectomy. We’ve discussed your case and my colleagues have agreed that surgery and chemotherapy will be the most appropriate course of action.’
Nathan squeezed Emma’s hand. It was the reassurance she needed while she was trying not to smart at being referred to as a ‘case’.
‘The good news is the tests are back and we’re not looking at a hormone-related cancer. That means we can go ahead and investigate the possibility of protecting your future fertility. We’ll refer you to Wessex Fertility Clinic if that is something you want to explore prior to starting your chemotherapy. It means we’ll be able to freeze some of your eggs for the future. We can refer your partner as well, as if we put your samples together, frozen embryos tend to have a better chance of a positive outcome than the eggs alone.’
The information was hurtling towards Emma too fast and too strong and too scarily. She’d barely even managed to process the fact that because of one dodgy nipple they were going to remove her breast. Now he was asking about a future she’d never even considered – having children. With Nathan. A man she barely knew.
‘I’ll let you talk this through further with Miranda. We’ll get a date for surgery arranged as soon as possible and start to get things underway. Lovely to see you both again.’
The doctor extended his hand out for Emma to shake, but all she was able to do was stare at it and try not to think about them being the hands that would be operating on her. No, there was a better way to look at it. They were the hands that would save her from cancer. The hands that would save her life.
She shook the doctor’s hand, repeating the reassurance in her head: These are the hands that will save me from cancer. These are the hands that will save my life.
She had to believe that. There was no room to think anything else.
‘I’m sorry Dr Howson had to rush off.’ Miranda the nurse took the place of the doctor, a more comforting presence with her friendly smile and rosy cheeks. ‘Can I get you both a drink? A cup of tea to give you some time to mull over any questions you want to ask me?’
‘Yes, please,’ Nathan said.
Emma was still staring at her fingers.
‘Are you okay?’ asked Nathan, once they were alone.
‘I just…’ She didn’t have words. ‘A mastectomy.’
‘It must be a lot to get your head round.’
Emma looked down at the curve of her chest. She’d never felt her breasts defined her womanhood, but she wasn’t sure how she would feel without one. Her flat nipple already left her incomplete: a jigsaw without all the pieces in place. ‘I just don’t know how I’m going to feel.’
‘The nurse will talk to you about the next stage and how they’ll go about reconstruction.’
‘You’re more in the know than me.’ Emma didn’t want to sound so self-pityingly miserable, but right now she couldn’t muster anything else.
‘I knew you wouldn’t want to, so I read through those leaflets. I figured one of us should have some idea what was going on.’
At least someone was looking after her. She should have been brave enough to look after herself, but someti
mes life left all resources out of reach. She didn’t have the capacity to take it all in without help.
Miranda entered the room, bringing mugs of tea with her. ‘How are you both getting on? I thought I’d give you time to drink your tea, and then if you have questions or concerns we can go through them.’
There was no part of Emma’s life that she wasn’t concerned about. If she wrote it all down she would cry a river and still have enough salty tears left over to fill another mug.
‘Thanks,’ Nathan said, since Emma was only blinking, unable to utter a word. Miranda left again, and it was just them.
They were silent for a while.
They were back to where they’d started: two people who’d met in a waiting room.
Two people with lumps that shouldn’t be there. Nathan’s would be removed this afternoon. Maybe, with it, their connection would be gone. They would go back to being strangers.
‘Why do they think we’re partners? We could be siblings, for all they know,’ Emma asked, thinking of their first kiss just an hour ago, the taste of his lips still lingering on hers.
‘Because we haven’t said otherwise?’
‘But we haven’t said we are.’ Emma couldn’t stop thinking about the fertility treatment. About what it meant. About why it was necessary. About what ten years from now might look like, if it even existed.
Nathan scratched his knee before turning his gaze to Emma. ‘I’ve put you down as my partner on my next of kin. That might be why.’
‘Oh.’
‘I did it when I got admitted to A&E. For the panic attack. I didn’t want anyone else knowing, and because you were picking me up and because I don’t really have any other close family members…’
‘It’s okay.’
‘Are you mad at me? I’m sorry. It just seemed logical at the time.’
99 Days With You Page 9
