by Vivian Ward
We didn’t mean for this to happen—to turn into an affair—but it did. What started out as a friendship turned into so much more and now there’s no turning back. Rocco would be devastated and even knowing that, I still can’t stop myself. I don’t think either one of us could stop.
When we started fooling around, I tried to stop it but Harley was persistent. He lusted after me, and I him. No matter how much we tried to stay away from each other, it only drew us closer. We’d made out countless times—sneaking in little kisses, cuddling as we watched movies on the couch, touching each other any chance we could get—and, at some point, we both threw in the towel and gave in.
We caved.
It was so easy to make love to him, yet it was so hard at the same time. Before we had sex, I asked myself what my true feelings were—for both Harley and Rocco. I thought long and hard. And the conclusion?
I’m in love with Harley.
And Rocco.
Things between us might be strained and we have our fair share of problems right now, but I still love him. I just don’t know how to get through to him anymore. He’s always been the man of my dreams and I can’t picture my life without him. What do you do when the man you love is so close, yet so far away? How do you communicate with someone who’s not emotionally available? How can you give up on your marriage?
The answer is: you can’t. To all of those questions.
I love him more than life itself. I need him more than the air that I breathe. I want him more than anything in the world. But I need to feel loved and wanted. I need to just….feel.
Harley does those things—makes me feel loved, wanted, and gives me all of his attention. When I’m with him, I remember what it feels like to have fun and be carefree. He makes me feel what Rocco hasn’t in a very long time.
Pushing my panties to the side, he slides his cock in my slick pussy as his mouth moves onto my nipples. His strong hands grab hold of my hips as he fucks me.
Raw.
Unprotected.
Carnal sex.
I know we should use protection but I like feeling him inside me—skin to skin. The pregnancy risk also appeals to me because I could finally be a mom. I could have the baby we so desperately want. All I want to feel is a tiny baby growing inside of me, kicking and moving. I want an infant in my arms as I breastfeed it and stroke its hair while I rock it to sleep.
We’ve never really talked about using protection. He knows I’m not on the pill and he’s never hesitated to go bareback. I think he knows what I want: to get pregnant. And I don’t think he minds if he fathers the child. I don’t know what I’d do if I actually got pregnant. I’ve asked myself whether or not I’d tell Rocco that it might not be his but I think it would devastate him to learn that I had an affair with Harley.
Some things are best kept secret to protect the ones you love.
My breasts bounce as he thrusts into me and my fingers ruffle his hair as I pull him in to kiss me. I know we don’t have long because Rocco will wake up for work any minute. This has become a nightly routine for us: we come home, grab something to eat, watch a little TV, and then we fool around. We never have the chance to have sex before work because Rocco’s usually home in the evening—when he’s not putting in extra hours or working on the new house. There’ve been a few times that we’ve cut it close in the mornings. Rocco’s literally walked out of the bedroom to take his shower as I was redressing in the living room.
“Fuck, Jules,” he whispers in my ear. “You feel so damn good.”
I wrap my legs around his firm, apple-shaped butt cheeks and pull him deeper inside of me. “So do you,” I whisper, licking his earlobe before lightly sucking his neck. His short fingernails faintly rake down my back before his fingertips dig into my hips.
“I’m not going to last much longer,” he admits.
Squeezing my Kegel muscles, I tighten myself around his shaft and tilt my hips. Thrusting harder and deeper, his movements slow as he comes inside me. I can feel his hot seed shooting thick ropes deep in my channel.
When he’s done, we rest our foreheads against one another and share a few intimate pecks on the lip. “I’m tired now,” he says, keeping his voice low.
“Me too,” I agree. My eyes shift toward the clock on the stove and it’s almost 5:30 AM. Rocco will be getting up in the next half hour. “We’d better get to bed. He’ll be getting up soon.”
His lips lock on mine, pulling me into a long, deep kiss as I remain seated on the kitchen counter. “Good night, beautiful,” he says when we finally pull away from each other.
I giggle. “Good night, handsome.”
After helping me off the counter, he leads us down the hallway to our bedrooms. Sometimes I think about how much it sucks that I can’t go to bed with him. I think about what it would be like to cuddle and fall asleep while wrapped in his arms, especially after we have sex.
“Night,” we each whisper to each other before turning into our rooms.
I quietly close the door, careful not to wake Rocco, and slip into bed. Lying there, I think about my dilemma with my husband and my lover. I know it’s wrong. I know I shouldn’t cheat on my husband and I don’t think I can do it for much longer.
Rocco’s arm outstretches over me, wrapping me tightly against his torso, and mumbles something inaudible. I can’t quite make out what it is that he’s saying but his last sentence is clear as a bell. “I love you Jules.”
Guilt rips through me like a speeding bullet, tearing me up inside. My eyes water as I lie next to the man I took vows with and I think about our wedding day. Everyone was there, all of our friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, and even acquaintances that we barely knew. Everyone was so happy to see us getting married because we were so perfect for each other. We had to have an outside ceremony to accommodate all of our guests, unless we wanted to pay an arm and a leg to rent out one of the biggest churches in the area.
He looked in my eyes and recited the vows he’d written prior to our wedding. They were the most beautiful words I’d ever heard and I still remember them to this day. The thing that sticks out the most is how he promised to always be by my side no matter what. He said that no matter what problems we might encounter, I’d always be his forever and always, and that he’d make sure he was the perfect husband.
I wish I could say that I’ve been the perfect wife, but I haven’t. Instead of trying to reconnect with the man of my life, I’ve defiled our vows and our marriage. I’m far from innocent and even though I know I don’t deserve him, I still want him.
But I also want Harley.
My heart belongs to both of them now and I don’t know what to do. It’s breaking me inside to know that I’ve not been faithful to my husband and it’s killing me that half of my heart belongs to my lover. It isn’t just an affair, it’s more than that. I truly love Harley and never want our relationship to end.
What does that say about my marriage?
I never thought it would be possible to love another man as much as my husband, so I have to ask myself what does that say about Harley? He’s a great man. A wonderful man. Aside from being kind and caring, he’s always there for me. When I need a shoulder to cry on, he’s there to listen to me. If I need someone to turn to, he’s there to lend advice. When I just want to forget the world, he’s there to shelter me. He lets me live in my own little bubble when reality is to cruel to deal with. And when I just want to have savage, feral sex, he gives me exactly what I need.
My sleep is interrupted by various dreams of Rocco and Harley. When I wake up, Rocco’s long gone for work. There’s no one to hold me. I’m plagued with nightmares of not having one of them in my life. My first dream was about Rocco. I’d dreamt that he left me and refused to answer my calls or texts. Waking up to his side of the bed being cool and empty made my heart pound until I realized what time it was and that he’d just left for work. I fell asleep again shortly after that and dreamed that Harley decided to move out, cutting all ties to us.
A new dream startled me out of my sleep and it was worse than the previous dreams I’d had. I was pregnant—about seven months along—and miscarried. I’m not sure whose baby it was but my stomach was huge and heavy, and blood was running down my legs. The sight of it terrified me, jolting me upright in the bed as I gasped for breath.
But I’m not alone.
Harley is right beside me—in my marital bed—sitting up with me, rubbing my back. “Jules, are you okay? What was it?”
Clutching the bedsheets, I reach for my glass of water beside the bed and take a drink. It’s room temperature and gross, but my mouth is so dry that I welcome it. “I-I’ve been having nightmares,” I confess, wondering why he’s in my bed.
He must know what I’m thinking and answers my question without me asking. “I know. I got up to use the bathroom and heard you so I came in to check on you. You were tossing and turning, mumbling in your sleep. I came in to hold you in case you were having bad dreams.”
With my heart still pounding in my chest, I weakly smile at him. “Thank you, that was very sweet,” I kiss his forehead.
“What were you dreaming about?” He asks, wrapping his arms around me.
I shake my head. “I’d rather not talk about it. It was awful,” I look him in the eye.
“Jules, come on. You can tell me anything. What was it?”
I confide in him what the dreams were about and he holds me tight. A few tear drops escape the corners of my eyes as I think about how horrible it would be to lose either of them or the baby that I want. What if I do get pregnant and lose the baby? I don’t think I could handle it.
“Hey,” he coos, “everything will be all right. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here for you,” he assures me. “As for Rocco, it’ll all work out and let’s not talk about the pregnancy situation just yet. You’re letting yourself get worked up over nothing. Okay?”
I nod and lean into his chest, inhaling his scent. It begins to rain outside and I listen to the low, rumbling thunder as it rolls in. I’ve always loved thunderstorms and it’s come at a perfect time. After a while, I allow myself to relax and fall into a deep, peaceful sleep in his arms. And we stay like that, wrapped up in the covers, holding each other until a loud noise startles both of us out of our sleep.
Chapter 16
Rocco
It’s been impossible to concentrate on anything today after hearing Jules talk in her sleep this morning. If there was ever a doubt that they were messing around, it’s gone now. I know for sure they are.
And it couldn’t have come at a worse time. Instead of leaving for work this morning, I wanted to sit by her bedside and wait for her to wake up so I could confront her. I wanted to see if she’d say anything else to give me a clue as to what’s going on in her life but I couldn’t do that. There’s a lot riding on getting this job finished up since it’s for the mayor. As long as I make him happy on this job, he promised me government contracts in the future. The city needs a lot of work done and he’s looking for a reliable company who does good work and can deliver what they promise.
As if my luck couldn’t get any worse today, a storm started rolling in this morning and has been increasing in strength throughout the day. To make sure I got the job finished as promised, I borrowed a few guys from a temp agency that I use every now and again. Two of them have worked for me before and are eager for a permanent job with me so they came in and hauled ass today.
Of course, it didn’t help that Kendra made her way over to the job site this afternoon. She showed up wearing a white t-shirt and a tight pair of skinny jeans. The rain soaked through her shirt putting her breasts on full display. It took a miracle to concentrate on work and I had to remind my crew to keep their focus on the hand at task. Thank god they did because we finished by the skin of our teeth just before it started hailing.
There’s no way I can go work on the new house in this weather and even if I could, my mind is in a million other places. All I’ve been able to think about is Jules and Harley. I heard what she said while she was sleeping and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Obviously, I have to confront her but I’m worried that I’m reading too much into it. What if they’re not actually doing anything and she was just having a dream about it?
Either way, I think I should still talk to her. If she’s thinking about it and dreaming about it, maybe she’s considering doing something with Harley—if they’re not already. It just makes me so nervous because what would I say if she said I was wrong or imagining things?
What would I say or do if she said it’s true?
My heart drops to my stomach and a knot forms in my throat. I throttle the gas peddle eager to get home to her. No matter what, I want to know the truth. I want a chance to make things right with her before it’s too late and I lose her for good. Whatever our problems are, I know we can work through them if she just gives us a chance.
Us.
I never thought I’d have to worry about losing her but I’m worried that I’ve fucked things up beyond repair. When she couldn’t get pregnant, I should’ve been there more for her instead of pushing her away. Maybe building a new house wasn’t the right thing to do. I thought working towards our future would be a good thing but I think it might’ve ruined us in the present. I’ve put in a lot of hours working on it and those hours could’ve been spent with her, repairing our relationship.
When I pull up to the house, I’m relieved to see her car still here. I’d seen a grocery list on the counter when I left this morning and I thought maybe she’d be gone at the store by now but I guess she’s still tucked away in bed, sleeping through the storm. The rain is pouring from the sky. Thick, dark clouds hang low with rumbling thunder roaring in a distance.
Taking the stairs two at a time, I run to the front door as fast as I can to escape the heavy rain. Once I’m inside I kick off my boots so I don’t track in mud and make my way to the bedroom. When I reach the bedroom door, I carefully push it open so that I don’t wake Jules. She always sleeps so good during thunderstorms.
My breath catches as the bedroom door opens. There are two bodies in our bed—Jules and….Harley. Time stands still as I stare at my bed—our bed—and realize that my eyes are not deceiving me. What in the hell did I just walk in on? I never imagined catching my wife in bed with another man but if I ever did, I would’ve thought they’d be fucking, not sleeping. Both of them are out cold and the two of them are cuddled up, spooning. Harley has his arm wrapped around Jules, holding her tight. She looks so petite in his arms.
The door swings open a little too hard and slams against the wall, making the two of them jump. Jules mouth drops open when she sees me standing here and grabs the covers, pulling them up as high as they’ll go. Guilt is written all over her face and now I know the two of them are more than friends.
Every suspicion I’ve had is put to rest.
Without a doubt, the two of them have been sleeping together and I’m speechless. Even though I suspected it, I didn’t think it’d actually be true. It was one of those fantasies that you never expect to happen but when it does, it hurts.
“Jules,” I say, my heart breaking as I see the two of them sitting up in the bed. Pain shoots through my heart because I know I’ve lost her for good.
“Rocco,” Harley says but nothing else comes out of his mouth. What can he say? There are no words to comfort me or to fix this.
I don’t bother responding—I can’t. The lump in my throat is so big that I almost can’t breathe. Everything I’ve worked for is gone.
Just like that.
My marriage, the love of my life, the home we’ve built together, and all of our hopes and dreams. All of that is over now. Whatever I thought we could fix, I was wrong.
Thunder and lightning crackle from the storm outside and it feels like it’s finished splitting my heart in two. Turning on my heel, I make an exit out of the bedroom.
“Oh my, God, Rocco! Wait!” I hear Jules calling, but my f
eet keep moving. My heart won’t let me stop because if I do, I’ll endure more pain than I can handle.
Chapter 17
Jules
I’ve never felt more ashamed in my life.
“Rocco! Please wait!” I yell, running down the hall after him. No matter how much I plead, he won’t stop.
I can’t say that I blame him. If I were in his position, I probably wouldn’t either but I so desperately want him to stop so I can talk to him. I know no matter how much I talk, my words can’t—and won’t—fix this but I have to tell him my side of the story.
“Rocco,” I shout again, grabbing his arm. I’m no match for him as he shrugs me away. He won’t even look at me. His eyes are fixated on the front door and I can’t let him walk out of it.
If I do, he may never come back.
“Babe, please listen to me. I want to talk to you,” I cry. These aren’t crocodile tears either. They’re the real deal because for the first time in my life, I’m afraid I might lose him for good—if I haven’t already. I’ve never fucked up this bad and I’m afraid.
Plastered against the front door, he has no choice but to stop because I won’t let him leave. I can’t. I look into his eyes and instead of bright emeralds staring back at me, I see unresponsive, dull sea-green eyes looking down on me. They’re filled with dread and gloom. My face heats up as shame courses through my veins. With him looking down on me, I can’t even look him in the eyes. I’m too embarrassed.
I know he doesn’t want to have this talk but we have to. I have to tell him how I feel and why things happened the way they did. I don’t expect him to forgive me but I hope he will listen. Seeing the hurt behind his glistening eyes is tearing me in two.
I’ve been a selfish bitch and now I’m paying the ultimate price.
While he was out busting his ass to provide for us, I was setting us up for failure. For every hour he was gone, I was with his best friend. While he was earning us money, my lips were on another man. When he was building our house—our future—I was sleeping with Harley. I’ve hurt my husband and there’s no turning back.
