by Vivian Ward
“What?” A ragged sigh passes through his lips. His shoulders slump as his head hangs low.
I can’t imagine how he feels or what must be running through his head. Feeling his eyes on me, I refuse to look up at him but I slowly form my words, hoping he won’t walk out that door forever.
“It—it’s not what you think,” I start but his sharp tone cuts me off.
“Really, Jules? I just caught you in bed with Harley. What the fuck am I supposed to think? When did you want me to catch you? While you were on top of him? Straddling him? Tell me what it is that I shouldn’t think.”
His voice is filled with hate, anger, sadness, and resentment. Every one of his words cuts through me, twisting the knife deeper in my gut. I know what I did was wrong and maybe I justified things in my own little world, but no matter what, he’s right.
The truth hurts.
“I’m not going to insult your intelligence,” I start again. “You obviously know that we’ve been sleeping together—,”.
“Obviously know that you’ve been sleeping together?” His gruff voice raises multiple octaves higher. “No, I had no idea but thanks for filling me in.” He pauses as my eyes are cast at the ground, fixated on his muddy work boots that are a few inches away. More evidence of how hard he works while I’m out fucking around. “Why don’t you walk me through how all of this happened,” he says sarcastically.
“I’m not going to make excuses, Rocco. I know this is wrong on so many levels.”
“You’re damn right it is!” He shouts.
“I’m sorry,” Harley cuts in. “I’m going to go ahead and go.” He’s already packed his bags and has them in hand. His head is slumped forward and I can see the pain on his face, too. It’s like looking at a mirror image of myself—guilt and pain are written all over his face just like mine.
“No,” Rocco says. “Nobody is going anywhere until we get to the bottom of this.” His voice is stern but not harsh. For the first time since we’ve been standing here—which has seemed like an eternity—he finally moves away from the door. Harley and I watch in confusion as he makes his way into the kitchen and opens the fridge, popping open a can of beer. Both in awe, we stare at him while he pulls out a chair at the kitchen table. “Join me, have a seat.”
My head is spinning and I can’t imagine where this is going or what he’s about to say to us but I obey my husband and slowly make my way to the kitchen table. Harley is in tow right behind me, looking like a dog with his tail tucked between his legs. I hesitate, scooting out a chair, bracing myself for whatever is coming next and finally sit down as quietly as possible.
For some reason, I feel small and childlike. This is the worst trouble I’ve ever been in and it’s more terrifying than ever being sent to the principal’s office or facing the police— which I’ve only ever had to do once. It was right before I took my job at Boundless Spirits when a friend who I was with pulled a knife on another girl at a club. Somehow, I got thrown into the middle of everything but the other girl ended up dropping the charges and we got out of there as fast as we could.
Harley takes a seat across the table from Rocco after dropping his bags on the floor. Everything is so quiet that you could hear a pin drop and the thud of his bags makes me jump in my seat. We all sit there, quiet, no one knowing quite what to say. The thunder crackles and lightning streaks across the sky making the kitchen appear a bit brighter for a second. My eyes stay are trained on Rocco’s face as I try to read his expression, which is hard to do because all I can see is a blank slate. It’s like he’s home but no one’s there.
“Rocco,” I say, my voice small and weak, cracking as I say his name. His gaze shifts to me and it feels like his eyeballs are burning a laser beam straight through my soul. “I’m sorry and I know saying sorry won’t make things better but I hope you can forgive me. Forgive us,” I say, nodding towards Harley.
“Here’s how I see it,” Rocco says, taking another gulp of his beer. “I came home and saw my wife in bed with my best friend. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot?” I open my mouth to speak but he holds his hand up, silencing me. “I’ll tell you how it feels. Shitty but at the same time, I’m shocked.”
“Rocco,” Harley says. “I want to let you know that this wasn’t all Jules’s fault. It won’t fix things but I don’t want her taking the brunt of all this. I feel like it’s my fault and I shouldn’t have went behind your back. I feel bad, brother.”
“Bad?” Rocco cocks his eyebrow. “You’ve got to be shitting me. You should both feel like complete pieces of shit.” He takes another gulp of beer and let’s out a stifled laugh. “And here I was, planning a future. I’m a fucking fool. Did you know that Jules? You married a fucking fool? A complete idiot.”
I drop to my knees beside his chair like an obedient dog, awaiting my master’s approval. “You’re not a fool or an idiot, Rocco,” I murmur. “I’m a selfish bitch and whatever happens, I completely deserve.”
Harley starts to pipe up but Rocco holds his hand up, silencing him as he did me earlier. “You’re right Jules, you were a selfish bitch. You want to know why?” He tosses his empty can of beer into the trash and opens a new one.
“Because I’m an asshole, I guess. Because I was lonely, confused, and scared. I didn’t think I could talk to you,” I say, picking up his hand, bringing it to my cheek. I so desperately want to feel his touch. I want to know that he’s still here with me, and I’m surprised when he doesn’t take his hand back. Instead, he feels my cheek and wipes my tear away with his thumb. “If anything,” I whisper, “I’m the idiot and fool.”
“Harley,” he says. “Obviously, you were fucking my wife—maybe not today, but at some point—did you ever console her? When she gets like this?”
Slowly, Harley nods his head. “Yeah.”
“And you care for Jules? She wasn’t just an easy fuck?”
Harley’s head shoots up and he stares Rocco in the eye. “What? No! She was never ‘just an easy fuck’! I can’t believe you’d think that about me.”
“Given the situation, I never thought I had to worry about you fucking my wife. We’ve always been like brothers and I thought she was safe with you.”
Harley’s shoulders slump forward as a heavy sigh passes through his lips. The same lips I’ve kissed so many times and I can’t stop looking at them. I feel awful for everything we’ve done as I think about al the kisses we stole, all the lies I’ve told and kept from Rocco, and all the times I slept with Harley in our bed, on the couch, in this kitchen.
“I’m sorry, Rocco. Really, I am. You’re right. I was supposed to keep her safe and protect her when you weren’t around and I betrayed you.”
Rocco’s almost finished with his second beer and moves to the fridge to get a third one. “Yeah, but that’s what I want to know. I want to find out where you two are in all of this and where I stand. Normally, this would be a conversation that I’d have with my wife—alone. But I want to hear what both of you have to say. Right now.”
Neither of us speaks first. It’s like he’s playing a game and it makes me uneasy. I feel like Rocco’s a cat and we’re the two mice he’s playing with, pawing at us right before he bites our heads off and eats us. The lightning and thunder crackle again, causing the kitchen lights to flicker for a second. Something’s coming—something that none of us are prepared for—but I have no idea what it is. Maybe this is the dark moment where I lose my husband. Maybe it’s the moment when my whole world ends.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “I’m not sure how to respond to your question.”
Rocco takes a long gulp of his beer and sets it on the table, spinning the can around until the name is perfectly lined up in front of him as he mauls over the question himself. “Tell me how all of it started. Walk me through how my wife and best friend could go behind my back and start an affair.” He pauses. “Yeah, we’ll start there.”
A million thoughts race through my mind as I think about how to answer
his question. Sucking in a deep breath, I begin to explain. “We didn’t mean for it to happen like this. I think things slowly developed over time. Harley went through a lot of shit, we were going through our shit, and I had a lot to get off my chest. We were just there for each other.” I watch his stone-like face as I search for the right words, hoping I can explain this in a way that he won’t hate either of us.
He turns his attention to Harley for a moment. “Tell me how you started fucking my wife when you were the one person in the world that I expected to look after her when I wasn’t around.”
Harley’s stiff back lurches forward as he draws in a ragged breath. “Look man, I know I fucked up. It never should’ve happened and I feel like it’s all my fault.” His glance shifts toward the window as he avoids eye contact with Rocco while he pretends to watch the storm. “Really, it is my fault. You’ve got a good girl, Rocco. I won’t try to bullshit you. I made the first move and she pushed me away but I wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
Rocco’s bloodshot eyes dart between the two of us as a loud crackle of thunder makes me jump in my seat. Both of us are waiting for him to say something—anything—but he won’t. What can he say?
Polishing off his beer, he tosses it in the trash can before finally speaking. “Is this just a physical thing or is there more to it than that?” He asks me, pointedly.
I’ve lied to my husband long enough that it’s time for me to come clean. I train my eyes on the hardwood floor, unable to see his face when I tell him the truth. “No, it’s not just physical,” I admit. “There’s more to it than just sex.”
He sucks in a long, deep breath and slowly exhales, focusing his attention on Harley. “I’d like to speak to my wife. Alone.”
My eyes grow into large saucers as I watch Harley pick up his bags and head for the door, and I’m so torn. Half of me wants to shout at him not to go but the other half says that I should keep my mouth shut and remain loyal to Rocco for once. For months—years, maybe—I thought I knew my future: what I was doing, where I was going, and what was going to happen but now I’m so uncertain about everything. Remaining planted in my seat, I watch him leave and shiver when a cold gust of wind hits my skin, leaving me alone with Rocco.
He may have bit his tongue while Harley was here but now that it’s just the two of us, I’m afraid of what’s next.
Chapter 18
Rocco
I take a good, long look at my wife’s mascara-streaked face as she sits across from me. She looks so small with her legs curled up to her chest as she hugs them, rocking back and forth.
“Do you love him?” I ask. It’s a tough question but I want to know the answer.
“Rocco,” she whispers, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye.
“Do you?” I demand.
Shaking her head, her voice cracks. “I care for Harley, yes. But do I love him? I don’t know that I’d call it love.”
“Then what would you call it?”
“I don’t know,” she sniffles. “But whatever it is, it’s not the same as what I have with you. Rocco, I’m in love with you and nobody could ever take your place.”
Her words are so soft spoken that they cut right through me because I’ve not been exactly faithful either, but she doesn’t know that. And it’s time she finds out.
“Jules,” I say. “I’ve got something to tell you, too.” Her eyes quickly shift up to me, wide with surprise. “That job I was doing for the mayor,” I start. “He has an older daughter, Kendra, and I wasn’t exactly faithful either.”
Her mouth pops open in shock as she slowly shakes her head no. In some ways, I feel good about telling her. We’ve never kept secrets from each other and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want her to hurt a little too. But in many ways, I feel like shit.
“Wh—what do you mean?” She asks, swallowing hard.
“We didn’t have sex or anything like that but we worked together on a lot of different things and she kept coming on to me. At first, I pushed her away—kind of like you did to me for so long but after a while, I caved. We kissed one night but it didn’t go any further than that.”
“Rocco,” she says in disbelief. “What are we doing? How could we do this to each other?”
“I don’t know, babe,” I say to her.
We sit in silence, listening to the storm that’s still brewing outside. The rain has been coming down hard and steady since earlier today and it doesn’t look like it’s letting up any time soon.
“I want to let you know that I love you and I’m not mad at you—about Kendra, I mean. And it’s not just because I did something wrong.”
I think about her words and am confused. “Why wouldn’t you be mad at me?”
“Because, unlike me, you didn’t cheat. You tried pushing her away when the truth is, I was pushing you away.”
“See Jules, you’re wrong. I might not have slept with her but I still consider putting my lips on another woman as cheating, and we both pushed each other away.”
She shakes her head, “Part of the reason why Harley and I got so close is because I didn’t feel like I could talk to you. Every month that I didn’t get pregnant, I felt like such a failure, and I didn’t think you’d want to listen to me cry.”
“Wrong again,” I say, leaning closer to her so that we’re eye level. “I felt like it was my fault that you weren’t getting pregnant so every time you had a negative test, I felt like the failure.”
She reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “I never thought of you as a failure,” she cries.
I wipe her tears away and say, “And I never thought of you as one.”
“Where do we go from here?” She asks. I think for a moment, debating telling her my fantasy. It could go really right or very wrong. “What is it, Rocco?”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I decide it’s time for more truth. “Honestly, and I know this is really fucked up, Jules, so don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve always kind of fantasized about you and Harley being together.”
She pulls away and blinks. “What?”
“You two have always been close and gotten along so well, and I don’t know, I just thought what if….. Ya know?”
“What if what?” She asks, her eyes wide as dollar pieces.
“You know, what if you two got together? Or what if we had a threesome?”
Her mouth drops open. “Are you serious?”
“Can I ask you a question? And will you give me an honest answer?”
“Oh God,” she sighs. “Yes, what is it?”
“You said you don’t ‘love’ him,” I say with air quotes. “But obviously, you have feelings for him. Would you be willing to have a threesome? With the two of us?”
“I can’t even believe you’re asking this right now,” she gasps. “You just found out that we’ve been sleeping together behind your back and now you want me to fuck him in front of you?”
I sigh and shake my head. “I know, it’s fucked up. Really fucked up. But if we were ever going to have a threesome, he’d be the guy I’d pick—and, obviously, the guy you’d pick, too.”
“I don’t know what to say,” she says, leaning back in her chair. I know this is a lot for her to take in and understand but I can also tell she’s on the fence. She’s skeptical, and she probably doesn’t believe me. “Is this some sort of joke? Are you setting up some kind of trap? Because right now I’m worried about us and what you’re asking seems so far fetched.”
“I know,” I say, scooting over a seat to be closer to her. “And no, it’s not a set up or a trap. There have been many times that I’ve thought about this—for a long time.”
“I don’t know,” she says, chewing her bottom lip. “I think we should work on us.”
“And I agree. We need to work on communication and talking to each other instead of pushing each other away all the time.”
“Yeah,” she nods in agreement.
“But I want you to think about it. Think about wh
at I asked you, and if you decide it’s something we can try, we’ll talk to Harley.”
“Is this your attempt to push me away again and into his arms?” She asks, her eyes desperate.
“What? No!” I stand from my chair and scoop her up into my arms. “I don’t want us to end. Ever.”
“Me either,” she murmurs.
I carry her to the bedroom and lie her on the bed and take my place next to her. She looks physically and emotionally exhausted.
“Rocco, I’m so sorry,” she begins but I swallow her words with kisses.
“Shhh,” I whisper. “It’s okay, Jules. I love you and I’m not going anywhere. I wouldn’t have started building our future together if I didn’t plan on us being together. No matter what, you’re mine. Always remember that.”
She nods and I kiss her again, this time a deep, passionate kiss. “I love you, Rocco,” she whispers.
“Mine,” I repeat again, kissing her once more. “Always and forever.”
The two of us quickly become tangled together, kissing and taking off each other’s clothes.
I have to reclaim what is mine and take back what has and always will belong to me.
There are no words that can describe our love for each other. I want us to show each other the love that we feel. It cannot be put into words and it’s been far too long since either of us have made love to the other.
We were so wrapped up in what we couldn’t have that we almost lost what we do have.
“I love you, Rocco,” she says as I enter her.
“I love you, Jules,” I reply back to her. “I love you so much and I’ll always be here for you.”
We make love to each other until both of our bodies are tired and quivering from orgasms, and she collapses in my arms. Resting her head on my chest, I smell her sweet hair.
