‘Or,’ said Sara, ‘nothing could go wrong.’ She topped up the wine in both their glasses. ‘You worry too much, Chaya. Have faith in your own ability. It’ll be fine. You’ll see.’
‘Hmm,’ said Chaya. ‘I don’t know. I have a bad feeling.’
Chapter Forty-Nine
Gimhana – Remote North Yorkshire, 2013
‘I can see why you like this,’ Zack said. He was reading a Jem and the Holograms annual. Gimhana sat next to him, idly sketching outfits for Jem. This was something he’d got into trouble for doing as a child. It was only since meeting Zack that he’d started again. He’d forgotten how much fun it was, making up designs that could be worn as conservative daywear and then changed to be something outrageous with a few adaptations. Given that the show was from the eighties, outrageous meant pretty much anything was allowed.
‘Oh yes?’
‘She’s a serious, conservative girl on the one hand and a fabulous rock star on the other and she gets to keep the two identities separate. I can totally see how that would appeal.’
It was a fair assessment. Zack understood him in a way no one else did. ‘That’s true,’ he said. ‘Mostly though, I just liked the clothes. Even Rio gets some interesting things to wear, even if it is very eighties.’
They were in a holiday cottage in North Yorkshire. It was early summer, but not as warm as it could be. Chaya was away at a conference and Gimhana had taken the opportunity to take Zack for a weekend getaway.
Over the past year, he had met up with Zack every time he came up to Manchester. Thank goodness for his needy client. Although he still insisted on keeping a low profile, they had been out a few times, to places two blokes who were friends might conceivably go together; the cinema, the odd student bar. They sat a respectful distance apart. They never held hands. He was always careful that he and Zack didn’t go up to his room together. He no longer stayed at his usual hotel, choosing different ones whenever he could. He’d told his secretary that he wanted to see the variety of places he could try on his budget. She had taken it to be some sort of weird bet he had with some of his colleagues and obliged.
Zack rested his chin on Gimhana’s shoulder and looked at the sketches. ‘Ever fancied making those and modelling them?’
Gimhana looked down at the drawings. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I mean, I’d love to see them on someone, but I can’t sew. I’m a lawyer. I wouldn’t know where to start with this.’
‘Oh, come on. Where’s your entrepreneurial spirit?’ said Zack.
‘I don’t think I’ve got one.’ He closed the sketchpad and dropped it onto the coffee table. He turned round and kissed Zack. ‘You’re the entrepreneurial one in this relationship.’
He leaned back, resting his head against the back of the sofa, so that they were still entwined in each other’s arms. He was warm and fed and happy. He didn’t think he had ever been this relaxed in his life. He closed his eyes and sighed. This contentment couldn’t last long. He should savour every last minute of it.
Zack kissed his cheek and snuggled against him. ‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’
‘Pardon?’ he said.
‘Love at first sight,’ said Zack.
Gimhana opened his eyes and found Zack smiling up at him. Zack ran his fingers through Gimhana’s hair. ‘That night, in the bar. I saw you walk in and I knew. It was like you were meant for me. I saw you and everything in my world shifted into place.’
‘Really? Wow.’ Gimhana grinned. ‘I saw you and thought you looked hot.’
‘You have no romance in your soul.’
Gimhana chuckled. ‘Yeah. That’s why I’ve brought you here, to the cosiest, cutest little cottage in the middle of idyllic Yorkshire.’
‘That’s a good gesture, especially from a city boy like you,’ said Zack. ‘And to think, when we first met, you gave me all that crap about not being the sort to have a relationship. Look at us now, a year later and in love.’
They were, weren’t they? Gimhana turned his head. That was the trouble. They had been seeing each other furtively for almost a year. He loved Zack. He adored Zack. But he couldn’t be a proper partner to him. Not when he was lying to him.
‘I was thinking,’ said Zack. ‘I’m coming to London to pitch to investors in a few weeks. We could meet up. I know you’re busy at work, but at the weekend.’
‘You know I can’t do that,’ Gimhana said. ‘I told you.’
‘Yes, but at the weekend…’
‘Anyway, I have someone coming to visit. A relative. I’ll be showing her around in the next few weeks. I can’t just disappear.’
Zack pulled a face. ‘When’s she leaving, then? I’ll come down again after she’s gone.’
‘Darling, I don’t think it’s a good idea.’ Gimhana sat up. ‘We’ve talked about this. I can’t be that guy. I love you, but I can’t.’
‘Why do you do this to yourself?’ said Zack. ‘Who cares what people think?’
‘I care.’
Zack made an exasperated noise.
‘Excuse me a minute,’ Gimhana said. He planted a kiss on Zack’s nose and went to the bathroom. ‘I’ll be right back.’
In the tiny, twee bathroom, he sat on the edge of the bath and stared into space. He should never have started it. It would have been so easy – all he’d needed to do was not take Zack’s number, scribbled on hotel notepaper. He could have just thrown it in the bin rather than tucking it into his suitcase. He could have just… not called. It would have been one glorious night and that would have been the end of it. But no. He had been unable to resist, he’d called him.
He buried his face in his hands. Now he was in too deep. He had let himself fall for Zack. He’d broken his agreement with Chaya. The only way he could get out of this fix was by hurting one or the other of them. He couldn’t figure out what to do, so he carried on, spinning plates faster and faster, all the while, screwing himself further and further into the mire.
He had managed almost a year of keeping his lives separate. He didn’t tell either one about the other. Weirdly, it was harder not mentioning Zack to Chaya than the other way around, because he thought about him all the time. When he was with Zack, no one else got a look in. All things being equal, he would choose Zack, every time. But Chaya was his stability. His ticket to social and professional acceptance. His best friend. He had asked her for this marriage as a favour. She had been his best friend and companion for six years. He couldn’t abandon her now.
He flushed the toilet to keep up the pretence and washed his hands. This was the sort of thing he was having to do a lot. Little lies to cover up the big betrayals. Extra trips up to see the client. Secret dashes up north whenever Chaya was out of town. This was no way to live. He was having an affair without even really cheating on anyone. He pulled himself together and went back to the living room. ‘Would you like a cuppa?’
Zack was looking at a mobile phone. Gimhana’s phone. ‘Who’s Chaya?’ he said.
‘What?’
Zack turned the phone round. It was still locked, but a text had arrived and you could see the top line.
Train strike. Might not make it home for dinner tomorrow.
‘Who is he? Why is he having dinner with you tomorrow night?’
Scenarios flipped through Gimhana’s mind. He could tell Zack, explain it all. Would he understand? Probably not. Maybe part of the truth.
‘She,’ he said. ‘Chaya’s a woman.’
‘I’ve heard you talking to her before, a couple of times. You always answer when she phones. She texts you.’ Zack’s hand shook. He lowered the phone to his lap. ‘Who is this woman to you?’
‘She’s my… housemate,’ said Gimhana. ‘My best friend. Really, she’s my beard.’
‘Your beard?’
‘You know, goes to parties with me? Pretends to be my date.’ Wife. Why didn’t he just say wife? Because it sounded worse, that was why. Zack would get the wrong idea.
‘I know what a beard is, dumbass. I�
��m just—’ He stared down at the phone. ‘Actually, no. I’m not surprised you’ve got one. You’re so…’
Zack sighed and laid his head back on the sofa. For all his protestations, he still looked so vulnerable sometimes that it made Gimhana’s heart ache. ‘What’s happening here, Gim?’ he said, staring at the ceiling. ‘Why are you so ashamed of me? We’ve been together nearly a year and I don’t know anything about your life. I only see you in hotel rooms and bars, sneaking around, like I’m some sort of dirty secret. Am I just some sort of fuck toy to you? Because sometimes that’s what I feel like.’
Gimhana stood in the middle of the room, lost for what to do. He had known this day would come. He had tried to make it clear that he could never be the boyfriend that Zack wanted. He could never be the guy that went to Pride with him or moved in with him. That just wasn’t going to happen. Zack had said he was fine with that, but clearly, it wasn’t enough any more.
‘Oh, love,’ Gimhana said. He took Zack’s hand in his. ‘I told you. I’m not out. I can’t be. I have to keep you secret. It’s—’
‘But why? Why do you have to? I don’t. You don’t have to. You choose to.’
‘You don’t understand,’ said Gimhana. He sighed. ‘You know that scar on my back? How do you think I got it? I got beaten up when I was fifteen because some boys figured out I was gay. A year later, they broke one of my ribs. My parents thought I was being bullied because I was clever. So they moved me to a different school. When I moved here, to England, I thought it would be different. Guess what? It happened again. This time it was random people I didn’t even know. I never saw the guy I was with again. You have no idea.’
‘You think?’ said Zack, bitterly. ‘You think I haven’t had any of that? The only difference between you and me is that I’m brave enough to be who I am.’
‘Really? What happened when you told your parents? Did they throw you out? Disown you? What?’
‘No. Yours might not either.’
Gimhana sighed and pushed himself up to his feet. ‘You don’t know anything about what it’s like. The Sri Lankan diaspora… it’s a small world. Anyone could know anyone here. If anyone got the slightest suspicion about us, it would be everywhere within a matter of days. And my parents aren’t as open-minded and understanding as yours. No one in my family is.’ He pinched his eyes shut and opened them again. The gulf between them suddenly seemed huge. ‘You wouldn’t understand.’
‘But this Chaya would?’
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake. She’s a friend. There’s no need to get jealous. I’m not sleeping with her.’ Which was true. He was only married to her on paper.
‘So you say.’
‘Oh grow up.’ The minute he said it he wished he could take it back.
Zack drew a long, slow breath. His lips pressed together.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Gimhana. ‘I didn’t mean that.’ He was only a few years older than Zack, but between Zack’s student status and his own long, long years of working, he sometimes felt so much older.
‘Yes, you did,’ Zack said. ‘It’s always there, isn’t it? You’re the one who makes the rules and that’s how you like it. I can’t do that, Gim.’ He shook his head. ‘I think… I think I’d like you to take me back home now, please. Or to the nearest train station. I can make my way back from there.’
‘Zack. Darling, don’t be like that.’
Zack stood up and faced him. Tears glistened in his eyes. ‘We both know this conversation has been a long time coming. You aren’t willing to be seen with me. You’re ashamed of me. I don’t think I can carry on being in this… non relationship. You might be okay with hiding, but I’m not.’
Gimhana felt his throat closing in. ‘Please, can we talk about this?’ He reached for Zack’s hand, but Zack backed away from him, shaking his head.
‘There’s nothing to talk about, Gim. Is there? You want me, but only in secret. Only on your terms and I’m worth more than that.’
Gimhana wanted to wail. To throw himself at Zack’s feet and agree to everything, anything he wanted, but he couldn’t. He had built too much of his life around the lies he was living. He couldn’t afford to let all of it fall down. ‘Yes,’ he said quietly. ‘You are.’ He rubbed a hand over his face. ‘Okay. Let’s get our stuff. I’ll take you home. It’s the least I can do.’
Somehow he held it together while he crammed things back into his bags. They drove back in silence, Zack staring out of the window, occasionally sniffing. When he pulled up outside the nondescript terraced house with the overgrown garden in the suburbs, he realised this was the first time he’d seen the shared house Zack lived in. Zack felt he wasn’t part of Gim’s real life. He wasn’t part of Zack’s real life either.
Zack murmured his thanks, grabbed his bag out of the boot and walked up to the front door without looking back. Gimhana gripped the steering wheel so hard that his fingernails bit into the leather. Every neuron in his body was screaming at him to go after Zack and tell him he was wrong; that he could stay; that he could be the sort of man Zack needed him to be... But that would be a lie. Probably a bigger lie than any of the other lies he lived with. He had thought he’d known pain before, but that was nothing to the feelings clawing inside him right now. He watched until Zack let himself in and shut the door behind him.
He forced himself to blink back the tears and start the long, lonely drive back home.
Chapter Fifty
Gimhana – 2013, London
Gimhana slouched on the sofa, watching Jem on repeat. He took the empty plastic that had once been the top layer off his chocolate coated biscuit selection and started on the second layer. Since he’d come back home early, he had no plans, so there was nothing to stop him wallowing in his misery.
The conversation with Zack played over and over in his mind. He should have told him the truth. But Zack was all about being your authentic self. He would never understand why Gimhana needed to appear married. It wasn’t like he’d got married and then come to the realisation he was gay. He’d known all along.
If he’d met Zack first, would it have changed anything? Much as he’d like to say it would, he knew it wasn’t true. His work and his family were important to him. The only thing that would have changed is that he might have saved Chaya some pain. He’d truly messed up now.
He chose another biscuit. There was the sound of the front door opening. Shit. Chaya must be home earlier than expected. He scrambled to find the remote to turn Jem off. He fumbled it and it fell on the floor. He made a dive for it.
When Chaya came in, he was on his knees, biscuits strewn everywhere, with Jem and the Holograms still being Truly Outrageous in pink and yellow on screen. She took in the scene and looked first puzzled, then amused.
‘Are you okay?’ she said. She picked up the remote and paused the rock music.
‘Um… yes,’ he said, recovering as best he could. He picked up the biscuits that had fallen on the floor and stacked them up on the side plate he’d used for his sandwich earlier. ‘Fine. You’re back early.’
‘They put some trains on, despite the strike,’ she said. She sat on the arm of the sofa and pressed play. The cartoon started again. ‘What are you watching?’
There was no way out of this. Gimhana sighed and sat back down. ‘Jem and the Holograms. It’s a cartoon show from the eighties. It’s about a rock band.’
‘It looks familiar,’ Chaya said. ‘Some of the girls in school were into it. There were…’ she gestured with her hands. ‘Magazines… or annuals or something.’
‘Annuals,’ he said. ‘And some comics.’
On screen, Jem’s earrings flared and she turned back into Jerrica. For a few minutes they both watched. He didn’t dare say anything. Although he and Chaya shared a home and a life, this was something he’d never shared with her. It was too personal. Too outside the norm. It was a thing he loved and took comfort in, which made it far too precious. Until now, the only person he’d shared it with was Zack, who had understo
od completely. Because Zack understood him like no one else did.
He waited. The episode ended. Chaya hit pause and handed the remote control back to him. ‘I can see why you like it,’ she said. ‘It’s got the secret double-life thing, which is essentially what you do. It’s like Spiderman, but with more glamorous clothing. I can see the attraction.’
‘You can?’
‘Oh yes.’ She stood up.
‘And you don’t think it’s weird?’
She gave him an amused smile. ‘Of course I think it’s weird,’ she said. ‘But it clearly makes you happy, so who am I to judge?’ She patted him on the shoulder. ‘I’m guessing you’ve had a bad few days at work, if you need comforting. Just let me get sorted and you can tell me about it, huh?’
He nodded. After she left, he stared at the credits frozen on the screen. Chaya had said almost exactly the same thing as Zack had. She understood too, but in a different way. He turned the TV off. And she’d known that he was upset. He needed to think of a reason for him to be in such a state – one that sounded plausible and didn’t involve the boyfriend he’d been hiding for months.
He was in a worse tangle than he’d thought.
Chapter Fifty-One
Chaya – London, 2013
Chaya stood at the foot of her bed and surveyed the room. The bed looked fine – neatly made up with Gimhana’s pyjamas under one pillow and her own under the other. Satisfied, she turned round to check the rest of the room. The dressing table looked odd with Gimhana’s things crowding out her face cream and hair brushes. They’d had to clear his stuff out of the guest room so that Nayana could have it for a fortnight. Since most of the wardrobe space in the master bedroom was taken up with her clothes, they’d had to move his suits into the study, in a brand new wardrobe.
A Convenient Marriage Page 21
