‘Things will never be the way they were before, Gim. It’s too late for that.’
‘Is this because of what happened with your amma?’
‘Not really,’ she said. ‘Well, not entirely.’ She sighed. ‘I’m tired, Gim. I’m tired of trying to be what people expect me to be. Tired of lying. I’m just… so tired. I’ve had enough. I think we’ve come to a point where we can’t sustain this any longer.’
‘You’re serious?’
She nodded. Very slowly, he nodded too. ‘I see.’
He looked away, rubbing his neck. She watched him, feeling his sorrow. He had more to lose than she did.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I know it’s more important for you than it is for me.’
He made a noise, but didn’t disagree.
‘Your work… will that be okay?’
He sighed. ‘I don’t know. You know what the firm is like.’
She did. It was a stifling place to work, with the small cadre of equity partners holding so much power. Gimhana had been made a salaried partner several years ago, but further progress still eluded him. It wasn’t that he didn’t do the work or bring in the money. ‘I’ve wondered for some time,’ she said, quietly, ‘whether you should try to move. Your loyalty to the firm isn’t really being rewarded and… times have changed. Other firms might have changed with them.’
‘I’ve been thinking about that too,’ he said. He turned his head, resting it lightly against the headboard so that he was looking at her. ‘Perhaps this is an opportunity?’
‘Perhaps.’
‘Let’s think about this,’ he said, his forehead wrinkling the way it did when he was working on something complicated. ‘If we get divorced, how does it affect you?’
She shrugged. ‘I’ll probably have to find somewhere to live…’
He waved that aside. ‘We’ll deal with money later. I mean, in terms of life.’
Without waiting for a reply, he carried on. ‘Your family will think you’ve chucked me because of what happened with Zack. I’m guessing they’ll keep that quiet because of the stigma. So my family will think…’ he frowned. ‘Mine will think that I chucked you.’
‘Stigma all round,’ said Chaya.
‘We’re never going to escape that. Even if we stay together, people are going to be weird about it.’ By ‘people’ he meant family. He had a point. ‘Will you be okay, on your own?’
‘I have lived on my own before, you know.’
He rolled his eyes. ‘I meant the other stuff. The mental health stuff.’ He sat up and put a hand on her arm. ‘Earlier today, I genuinely thought you were going to… you know.’
‘I’m not suicidal, if that’s what you mean.’ She felt a little offended that he thought so.
‘But—’
She sighed. He had a point. ‘But I do need help.’ She glanced sideways at him. ‘Not drugs, but some other therapy again. You’re right. I’ve been in denial for far too long. I need to go to these sessions and give them a chance.’
The look of relief on his face was wonderful to see. ‘I’ll still be around, if you need me,’ he said. ‘It’s not like we’re never going to see each other.’
This was what she would miss. His friendship had been a solid rock that she could brace herself against. She had been a panic-ridden mess when she’d first met him. It was his company that had eased her out of despair and taught her how to talk to people again. She had been wrong before. It wasn’t him that had the most to lose by their separation. It was her.
‘I’ll be okay,’ she said.
He studied her face. ‘Yes,’ he said, finally. ‘I think you will be.’
She felt a stab of alarm at the idea, but it didn’t escalate into full blown panic. Something had changed.
‘So,’ Gimhana said, going back to his original train of thought. ‘My family will think I left you for reasons unknown, which is fine. Yours will think you dumped me.’
She nodded. ‘Also fine.’
‘And that just leaves you and me.’
‘I’m sure we can split up in a nice, civilised way.’
‘I’m sure we can.’ He gave her a big smile. ‘Thank you,’ he said.
‘For what?’
‘For seven years of fake married life. I’ve enjoyed it.’
She laughed. ‘Funnily enough,’ she said. ‘So have I.’
He put his arm out so that she could lay her head on his shoulder. ‘We made a good team,’ he said.
‘Yes,’ she said. In their own ways they had saved each other, making each other’s lives so much more free. She would miss him. ‘Yes, we did.’
They sat there next to each other for a while, two warm bodies in the over-chilled room. After some time, Gimhana moved. ‘I need whiskey,’ he said, standing up and brushing his clothes straight.
Chaya started to protest, but then realised she no longer had the right to monitor his drinking.
‘Come on,’ he offered her a hand up. ‘I’ll buy you a celebratory drink.’
She took his hand and he hauled her to her feet. ‘What’s to celebrate? We’re getting a divorce.’
‘Exactly,’ he said. ‘Which means it’s time for Plan B.’
‘Plan B?’ She said, grabbing her handbag and following him out. ‘What’s plan B?’
‘I don’t know yet.’ He grinned. ‘But I’m sure I’ll think of something.’
Chapter Seventy-Six
Gimhana – Colombo, 2013
Gimhana felt fuzzy. He swirled his latest whiskey around and listened to the sound of ice clinking against the glass.
Next to him, Chaya ordered another bowl of chili cashew nuts. They had been sitting together at the bar, reminiscing for a few hours now. Anyone looking at them would have thought they were a couple. No one stared or whispered or made them feel unwelcome. Things would never be like this if he brought someone he genuinely loved to visit his home country. Someone like Zack. He sighed and took a small sip of his drink.
Chaya nudged him. ‘Zack?’ she said. How did she do that? For someone who was so stiff and awkward talking to people, she could be remarkably prescient.
‘What are you going to do about him?’ she said, when he didn’t reply.
‘I don’t know. I’ve tried calling him, tried calling his housemates, I even tried social media.’ He suppressed a shudder. ‘He doesn’t want to talk to me.’
‘Understandably, he’s upset,’ she said. She poked at her drink with her straw. ‘How about if I talk to him?’
‘What? How would that help?’
She shrugged. ‘Once we start divorce proceedings, I could tell him that we’re splitting up and about the whole marriage of convenience thing. He might believe it, coming from me.’
Hope flared unreasonably in his chest. He should know better than to hope. These things rarely worked out the way one envisaged. ‘Do you think it would make a difference?’
‘I don’t know. It’s worth a shot.’ She nodded her thanks to the barman who brought her a bowl of fresh cashews. ‘We all make stupid mistakes. If you have a chance to fix them, then you should try everything.’ She picked up a handful of nuts. ‘Better to regret something you have done than something you haven’t done.’ She popped the cashews into her mouth.
‘That’s nonsense,’ he said. ‘It’s better not to regret anything.’
She didn’t reply.
But she was right. He had the opportunity, however small, to try and make things right. He could only try. He ran her comment through his mind again and realised that she was talking about herself as much as about him.
‘What about you? Are you going to contact Noah? Find out if he’s still married?’
She took her time before replying, chewing her mouthful of cashews and staring into the middle distance. He waited.
Finally, she said, ‘He’s not married anymore. At least, not to his first wife.’
She had clearly known this a while. ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘When did that happen?’
‘Around the time we got married.’ She toyed with a cashew nut, rolling in her fingers. ‘He… uh… met me for a coffee. To catch up.’
‘Chaya, why didn’t you say anything?’
‘What was there to say, Gim? We’d just got married. I couldn’t un-marry you and go off with him. Besides, he lives in Canada. I live in England. It would be bonkers.’
‘But you don’t have to live in England,’ he said. ‘I’m sure they need microbiologists in Canada too.’
She gave him a sideways look. ‘But if I get this professorship…’
He knew she deserved it, but a small treacherous voice said she wouldn’t get it because her main competition was a noisy white man. He couldn’t say that to her. ‘I’m not saying everything will fall into place,’ he said. ‘But it’s worth thinking about, isn’t it?’
She looked thoughtful. He saw hope rise and fall in her expression and felt guilty for making her think about it. ‘I think I closed that door fairly conclusively seven years ago,’ she said. ‘He wanted to stay in touch. I said no.’
‘Oh.’ Had she given up a chance to be with the one that got away, just because she’d made a promise to him? Now he felt even worse about breaking their deal. ‘I didn’t realise that you gave him up again… for me.’
She smiled, a small, bitter smile. ‘I didn’t do it for you,’ she said. And frowned. ‘Well, not entirely for you, anyway. I did it for my family.’ She rolled her eyes upward. ‘For all the good it’s done me.’
‘God, Chaya, I’m so sorry.’
She nudged him gently. ‘You weren’t to know. We had a plan. It could have worked.’
They both stared thoughtfully at their drinks, contemplating what might have been.
‘Could have been a beautiful thing,’ said Gimhana, finally.
‘Yeah. Shame it didn’t work out.’ She raised her glass. ‘To failed marriages,’ she said.
He clinked his glass against hers. ‘To failed marriages.’
Chapter Seventy-Seven
Chaya – Colombo, 2013
Chaya couldn’t sleep. Gimhana was snoring in his side of the bed. She picked up her laptop and tiptoed out to the balcony. One thing she wouldn’t miss would be sharing her space with him. She’d never felt vulnerable sharing a bed with him, they had no sexual interest in one another, but it was always annoying. She liked her own space. She thought Gimhana probably did too. She didn’t understand how proper married couples shared a bedroom night after night without wanting to kill each other.
The night was warm and clear after the storm. The half moon was bright enough to dot silver highlights on the sea. Chaya sat on one of the chairs on the balcony and checked her emails.
There was nothing urgent. She fired off a few short messages and exited the mail app.
Gimhana’s comment about Noah nagged at her. She opened Google and put in his name. There he was. She scrolled past articles and profiles. He had a Facebook profile that was private.
She closed down that search and ran a search of his ex-wife. Skimming through the pictures, she saw that Katherine had remarried. There was Noah and Alex at the wedding. Noah, without a partner. That was from two years ago.
That didn’t mean he was single. But... but…
She looked over the balcony wall at the tranquil sea. A few hours ago, it had been a frothing, seething nightmare and now it was calm. So much had changed, so fast. In times like this, in times of change, every chance was worth reaching out for.
She opened her laptop again and started looking at flights to Canada.
Chapter Seventy-Eight
Gimhana – Colombo, 2013
Once he’d seen Chaya off, Gimhana returned to their room and stared out to sea. Silently, he wished her luck. Her quest had only the smallest chance of success. Even if this Noah guy was still single, would he still be interested in the girl who dumped him seventeen years ago? He sighed. Poor Chaya was going to be crushed. She said she needed to know for sure. He could understand that.
If there was any way that he could get Zack back, then he’d take it. Admittedly he and Zack had only split up a few weeks ago, which was quite different to seventeen years.
He turned back and looked at the room. He could try and reschedule his flight, or he could just hang out here, working for a couple of extra days. What was there to go home to? The house. Work. He may as well stay where he could get a decent kotthu roti when he wanted one.
He was going to start applying for new jobs. He could update his CV while he was here, maybe even register with a few head-hunting firms. But before that, there was something he needed to do. He’d told Chaya he would think about it, but he knew she was right. It was well beyond time to make some changes.
Chaya had made the decision to stop pretending and be who she really was. She was a determined sort, once she set her mind to something. She never made promises she couldn’t keep. Even if things went wrong with Noah, she would carry on with her mission to reclaim herself. Maybe it was time he did the same?
He got out his phone, called his mother and told her he was coming round.
* * *
His parents’ house was once surrounded by fields, but now it was a largish house, behind a high wall, surrounded by other smaller houses. One of the servants let him in. The approach to the house was past a small grove of coconut trees. He breathed in the familiar smell of home.
His ammi limped up to the front door. She had fallen a few months ago and it was taking her a long time to heal. Worse than the injury was the damage it had done to her confidence. Where before she had been formidable, she had suddenly become old.
‘Hello Putha.’ She looked behind him. ‘Where is Chaya?’
‘I… need to talk to you and Thathi about something. It involves Chaya.’
‘Are you expecting a baby?’ Her face lit up. She put a hand out to steady herself.
‘No.’
Just like that, the light dimmed. He felt bad. Once she heard what he had to say, it would dim even further.
He offered her his arm and they went inside. Thathi appeared from the bedroom, hastily buttoning up a shirt over the cotton vest he normally wore when he was at home. ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘No Chaya.’ He looked down at his shirt, as though wondering whether to bother, then carried on buttoning it.
They sat down and one of the servants brought Gimhana a glass of iced water.
‘So, what did you have to talk to us about?’ his ammi said.
He took a deep breath to steel himself. He knew that what he was going to say would hurt them. ‘The first thing,’ he said, ‘is that Chaya and I are getting a divorce.’
There was a shocked silence at this. His parents looked at each other. His mother placed a hand against her heart.
‘Why?’ she said, her voice radiating disbelief.
‘There… er … was someone else.’
Ammi gasped. ‘Oh my,’ she said.
His father scowled and harrumphed.
‘Well,’ said Ammi. ‘I would never have thought that Chaya would be the sort of woman to go off with another man.’
‘She wasn’t,’ said Gimhana. ‘I was.’
His parents stared at him. For the longest time, no one spoke.
‘All those years of rejecting woman after woman after woman,’ his mother said. ‘And now you want two? Who is this woman you thought was better than your wife?’
He felt cold and sweaty. He had to do this. Even if he never met anyone like Zack again, he owed it to himself to be real. ‘Not a woman,’ he said. ‘A man. I’m gay.’
This silence was different. Whereas before the silence had been shocked and questioning, this was darker, angrier. His father muttered something that sounded like ‘I knew it’. He got up and walked out of the room.
‘Thathi,’ Gimhana called after him. But his father didn’t stop.
He looked at his mother. She was staring at the floor, thinking. He could almost feel her looking back at all the signs she’d ignored, all the lie
s she’d told herself.
‘Ammi,’ said Gimhana. ‘I’m still the same person.’
‘I think,’ she said, her voice very quiet, ‘that you should go.’
‘But Ammi, just because—’
She turned her head away. ‘Please go.’
He had been expecting this, but it still hurt. He stood up slowly. ‘I’m leaving in a couple of days,’ he said. ‘I’ll come and see you again before I go.’
She still didn’t look at him. He stood up slowly and walked out of the room. He paused at the door. ‘Ammi,’ he said. ‘I’ll call you.’
Finally, she looked up. Her eyes were full of tears. ‘Yes,’ she said.
He wanted to say more, but she’d turned away again. No more conversation. At least she had agreed to speak to him on the phone. She hadn’t turned him away completely. That was a small comfort.
He let himself out and strode back to the road, fighting back tears. He should have done this while Chaya was still around. Right now he felt untethered from the world. No Chaya, no Zack, no parents. He was utterly alone.
He hailed down a tuk tuk and gave the address of the hotel. Once he got back, even though it was still daytime, he headed for the bar. Today was not an easy day to get through. He was going to drink. A lot.
Chapter Seventy-Nine
Chaya – Canada, 2013
Chaya looked up at the imposing university building and felt a rush of fear. She hadn’t thought this through. She hadn’t emailed ahead, like she should have done. It was almost as though she’d been subtly sabotaging this trip the whole way – giving herself excuses for it to fail. Now she was standing outside the building where Noah worked. She couldn’t very well turn back.
She climbed the steps, carrying her backpack with her. Since she’d come straight from Sri Lanka, she only had a few items of suitable clothing with her. She’d left most of her tropical summer stuff with Gimhana to take home. It had seemed a good idea at the time, but now it seemed like just another way in which she hadn’t planned this properly.
A Convenient Marriage Page 29
