The reception was a window that looked into a busy office. She gave them Noah’s name and her maiden name, which, thankfully, was still her professional name.
‘Is he expecting you?’ the lady asked.
‘Um. No. I was… in the area.’
She fidgeted while she waited for the woman to call his office. What if he was busy? What if he wasn’t and he didn’t want to see her anyway? What if he hated her for the pain she’d caused him? Or worse, what if he’d forgotten her altogether? After all, she had rejected him twice. Why on earth hadn’t she emailed and made contact before she came?
The woman hung up and came back to the window. ‘I’m afraid Dr Burlescombe-West isn’t in today. We can leave him a note to say you came by.’
‘Yes. Please.’ She gave her phone number, thanked the woman and walked back out. She wasn’t sure what she was feeling. Was it disappointment or relief? Or both? Mostly though, she was feeling tired. She really needed to find a hotel and get some sleep. Once she was rested, she could have a proper think about the mess she was in.
She started back down the long flight of steps, her feet feeling like they were encased in lead. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn’t notice the man and boy who were heading towards her until they were only a few yards away.
The sight of Noah struck her like an arrow in the chest. He was talking to the boy and hadn’t noticed her.
As the boy talked, he gesticulated his arms and briefly, ran his hand over his forehead, unconsciously mirroring Noah’s gesture.
Now that he was actually in front of her, she wasn’t sure she could go through with this. Hesitation made her falter and almost fall down the steps. The movement caught his attention. ‘Are you alright?’ He put out a hand, as though to catch her.
She steadied herself and nodded.
‘Chaya?’
Her eyes met the familiar blue of his and her mind went blank. They stared at each other for a long moment. Her heart buffeted against her ribs like it wanted to be let out. She couldn’t think of a single thing to say. What do you say to the love of your life after seventeen years?
‘What are you doing here?’ His accent was a curious mixture of English and Canadian.
She looked over his shoulder. His son was standing just behind him, head to one side, watching them. Oh goodness, she hadn’t thought this through. But she was here now. She took a deep breath and summoned up her best professional manner. ‘I was in the area and thought…’ Pathetic. She had spent most of the last decade lying, why was it so hard to lie now? ‘I thought it would be nice to catch up.’
Emotions flitted over his face before settling on a half smile. ‘It’s been a long time,’ he said. ‘It’s nice to see you.’
She didn’t respond. She didn’t know what to say. At least he wasn’t being hostile. He couldn't hate her all that much.
Her silence made things awkward. The tips of his ears started to go red. He was embarrassed. But why? She smiled, trying to make things better.
‘So… er… are you here on business?’ he said. ‘Or… um… holiday?’
‘Business,’ she lied. Telling him the real reason she’d come seemed like a very, very bad idea right now. ‘But since I was here, I thought I’d look you up. To see if…’ she cast about for an end of the sentence. ‘To see if you were still available,’ simply wasn’t an option. ‘To see if you still worked here. You know. As you say, it’s been a long time.’
Noah’s eyes skittered around as he tried to think of something to say. Silence stretched painfully taut.
‘Dad?’
They’d both forgotten about the boy.
Noah cleared his throat. ‘Alex. So… er… Let me introduce you.’ Noah put his arm round the boy’s shoulders. ‘This is Alex. My son. Alex, this is Chaya…’
‘We met once, when you were really little.’ She held out her hand to Alex, who shook it. He was almost as tall as Noah and had the same eyes. Close up, Chaya could see he had dark curls peering from underneath his cap. He got his hair from his mother.
‘Chaya is an old friend of mine,’ said Noah. ‘We haven’t seen each other in… too many years.’
Alex nodded. ‘Nice to meet you,’ he said, his voice oscillating. She took him to be about twelve or thirteen years old. He looked at Noah. ‘So, Dad. You need to get those papers from your office.’
Noah was still looking at Chaya, frowning a little. ‘Oh, that’s not so important. They can wait.’
Alex rolled his eyes. ‘O-kay. About that ice cream…?’
‘Oh yeah,’ said Noah. ‘We were about to go and get some ice cream.’ He gave Chaya a polite smile that didn’t have the same warmth as before. ‘How about… er … maybe you’d like to come with us, Chaya? You don’t mind do you, Alex?’
Alex shrugged.
‘Ice cream would be lovely,’ Chaya said. ‘I’d love to join you.’
* * *
As he drove to the ice cream shop, Noah talked – pointing out places of interest, telling her about restaurants she should definitely visit if she had the time. All three of them knew he was babbling, but he didn’t seem able to stop himself.
Alex seemed mortified with embarrassment for his father. After some time, he intervened. ‘How long are you here for, Chaya?’ he said, twisting round in his seat to look at her.
‘I’m not really sure,’ she said. Damn, why hadn’t she worked out her cover story in advance? She improvised frantically. ‘Depends how long my work takes me. Probably about a fortnight, I should think.’
An awkward silence descended in the car, until Noah turned off to the ice cream parlour with an over bright, ‘Here we are.’
As they walked from the car park to the building, Alex said, ‘So, where do you guys know each other from?’
‘University,’ said Noah. He glanced at Chaya. The answer was so hopelessly inadequate to cover what they had been to each other. What they weren’t anymore.
Alex looked at Noah and then at her. He frowned. His eyes widened, then narrowed. He knew who she was. She felt strangely pleased that Noah had talked about her.
The ice cream parlour had a rural feel to it. Ice creams in myriad colours and flavours were lined up along a long counter. A board proudly announced that they made their own ice cream and listed all the different flavours. She stared, bewildered by choice. Alex reeled off what he wanted and how he wanted it. Noah turned to her. ‘Chaya?’
She stared at the board and frowned. How could she possibly choose one out of all those flavours? She had a sudden memory of staring at the menu of another ice cream parlour many years and many miles away. She looked at Noah. His mouth twitched. Her choice had always defaulted to the most obvious one.
‘Chocolate,’ they said in unison.
‘Some things never change, I guess,’ said Noah. There was warmth in his voice.
‘Guess not,’ she said.
Ice creams in hand, they followed Alex, who led them to a small booth that seated four. He slid into a seat and Chaya shuffled in opposite him. Noah hesitated a moment, then sat beside Alex.
‘So, you’re here for work?’ said Alex. He seemed stiff and hostile now, no longer the disinterested teenager he had been before.
‘Yes. I’m here to discuss a collaboration with one of my colleagues.’ The lies were coming more easily now.
‘What’s their name?’ said Noah. ‘I know a few people in the biology department.’
She forced a laugh. ‘I don’t really want to talk about work right now, if that’s okay. It’s been a few years, Noah, why don’t you tell me what’s happened in your life?’
‘Let’s see,’ said Noah, his eyes lifting up as he lined up his thoughts. ‘Nothing too exciting, really. Since we last spoke, I’ve just been here, doing the same old stuff. That project we did with your university – we had a paper published in Nature: Geoscience.’
Chaya was suitably impressed. ‘Nice.’
Alex rolled his eyes.
‘H
ow about you?’ said Noah.
‘Well,’ Chaya said. ‘Similar, really.’ She looked at her hand. The rings were still on it. Was it too early to remove them? She opened her mouth to say, ‘I’m getting a divorce’, but realised that wouldn’t even begin to cover the complexity of their arrangement. ‘That’s it, really,’ she finished. ‘I’ve applied for a professorship, but I’m not holding out much hope.’
Alex was staring at her now, his eyes flashing. ‘What does your husband do? Is he a scientist too?’
She had just taken a mouthful of ice cream. She shook her head.
‘Commercial lawyer,’ said Noah, absent-mindedly ladling some ice cream into his mouth.
Alex and Chaya both looked at him. Noah stopped, spoon in his mouth. The tips of his ears started to go red again.
‘How did you know that?’ Chaya said.
Noah shrugged. ‘Grapevine, you know how it is.’
‘Grapevine?’
‘I met Jay, quite by coincidence, some time back.’ He wouldn’t meet her eyes. Seventeen years and she could still tell when he was being shifty.
‘I see.’ Her mind whirred. He had been looking for information about her. She thought about all the times she had typed his name into Google. Had he done the same with hers? Did that mean that there was some hope? How could she find out?
She got her chance when Noah said, ‘Sounds like it all worked out perfectly for you.’
‘Not really,’ she said. ‘It’s complicated.’
Noah looked up and finally met her gaze. His expression guarded.
Alex said, ‘How did you meet your husband?’ He seemed very defensive. She wasn’t sure why.
Chaya tore her gaze away from Noah’s and gave a polite laugh; the one that she used when talking to Gimhana’s colleagues. ‘It’s a boring story, I’m afraid. We met in a very Sri Lankan way.’
Noah was looking down at what was left of his ice cream. He looked up. ‘Excuse me,’ he said. ‘I’ll be back in a moment.’ He slipped out of his seat and walked away, his shoulders were sloping inwards, as though he were fighting the urge to curl up into himself.
* * *
Alex watched until his father was out of earshot and then moved across until he was directly opposite Chaya. She watched him, apprehensive.
‘Look, lady,’ he said, leaning forward. ‘I don’t know why you’re here, but you have to leave my dad alone.’
‘Pardon?’
‘I know who you are. You broke his heart when you dumped him, you know. It took him years to get over it. In fact, you’re part of the reason Mum and Dad split up.’ He glared at her, daring her to deny it.
How could that be? She’d had nothing to do with Noah’s divorce. ‘Alex…’
‘I’m not going to let you hurt him again. He’s been through a lot in the past few years, he doesn’t need you using him as some sort of…’ He cast about for an appropriate word. ‘Some sort of rebound cushion,’ he said, finally. His eyes glittered, so blue, just like his father’s.
‘It’s not like that, at all.’ Wasn’t it? Wasn’t that exactly what she was doing? Running away from Gimhana, back to Noah? She wanted to tell him it hadn’t been easy for her either. That she’d married a man whom she didn’t love. She’d built a shell of lies around herself and now the shell had cracked. But how could she explain that to anyone, let alone a teenager who thought he was protecting his father? Who would believe her anyway? She wasn’t sure she believed herself, most of the time. So, instead she said, ‘Alex, I would never want to hurt Noah. Honestly, the last thing in the world that I want to do is to cause him any pain.’
He looked beaten for a moment. ‘Just… leave my dad alone,’ he said. ‘Please.’
She looked at him and saw the lines of Noah’s face in his. She couldn’t promise him that. She’d already ruined her life once by promising to stay away from Noah. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt him, Alex. I would never do that. Okay?’
He looked like he was going to say something, but Noah returned and he clamped his mouth shut and shuffled over to his end of the booth again.
* * *
She spent an hour with Noah and Alex. Alex didn’t leave them alone together for a moment, not even when his mobile phone rang. He was watching her.
Suddenly, Chaya felt tired. The events of the previous days were catching up with her. She needed space to think. She couldn’t do that when Noah was around. She asked him if he minded dropping her off at a hotel.
‘Where are you staying?’ he said.
Another thing she hadn’t thought through. She had seen a sign for a Best Western as they’d been driving around, so she told him that. He drove her there and offered to walk her, with her small bag, into reception. Alex started to get out as well, but Noah stopped him. ‘You wait here for me, Alex. I shan’t be long.’
They walked up to the entrance, side-by-side and stopped under the overhead canopy. She didn’t want him to come in and realise that she’d lied about having a room booked. This suddenly seemed very important. What was happening to her? Had she run away from one set of lies only to weave another?
‘So, er, thanks for the afternoon,’ she said. ‘It was really nice to see you and meet Alex.’
They both turned to look at the car. She could just about make out Alex, slouched in his seat, glowering.
‘Although I don’t think he likes me very much,’ she said.
‘I’m sorry about that,’ said Noah. ‘I don’t know what’s got into him. He’s normally such a friendly boy.’ He shook his head. ‘I’ve never known him to be so sullen.’
Chaya forced a smile. ‘Maybe he resents me gate-crashing your father son time.’
‘That sort of thing’s never bothered him before. He used to love it when Jess joined us.’
‘Jess?’
Noah flushed. ‘This lady I was seeing for a while. It was some time ago,’ he added quickly.
Chaya nodded. ‘Oh well, who knows what goes through teenagers’ minds?’ she said, thinking suddenly of Nayana.
Noah nodded. There was an awkward silence, neither of them sure what to say next. Noah cleared his throat. ‘It was nice to see you again,’ he said.
‘Likewise.’ She had to think of a way to see him again. The whole point of coming there was to talk to him. ‘Would… er… you be up for meeting again before I leave?’
‘Sure. We could do dinner…’ he stopped. ‘Nothing fancy, just dinner and a drink somewhere… catch up properly?’
Her heart leapt as she had a sudden sense of history repeating itself. ‘That would be nice.’
‘I have some time, tomorrow evening?’ she said. The sooner she worked out where she was going with this, the better.
‘Works for me. I’ll pick you up at eight from here?’
She nodded. ‘Sounds lovely.’
‘Great.’
They stared at each other for a moment longer. His very presence pulled at her, luring her closer. She’d known that she’d never stopped loving him, but she hadn’t expected the feelings to be so strong. She’d spent all afternoon fighting the urge to slip her hand into his, to brush the hair out of his eyes, to sit next to him so that their thighs touched – all those things she’d taken for granted when they were going out. But they were strangers again now and that sort of thing wasn’t allowed. How did people manage to stay in touch with their exes? It was too hard. A moment’s lapse would be all it took to open a floodgate.
‘I’d better go in,’ she said, although she really, really didn’t want to.
‘Yes,’ he said.
She made a half move towards the door.
‘Oh, hang on, I’ll give you my phone number, in case you need to contact me… if you’re running late tomorrow, or something.’ He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and extracted a small card. He found a pen in another pocket and, using his knee as a table, scribbled his mobile number on the back. ‘Call me anytime. If you need anything at all. Okay?’
‘Okay.’
/> ‘So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night, then.’
For an awkward moment she wondered whether a hug or a kiss on the cheek was appropriate. In the end, they shook hands, his warm hands closing over hers. His touch was so familiar, it sent a thrill up her arm. She hadn’t been expecting that. Clearly, he felt it too. He held her hand a fraction longer than was necessary. It took all her will power to extract her hand from his.
Chapter Eighty
Chaya – Canada, 2013
The next day, Chaya took a taxi to a shop where she could buy some cheap clothing. That evening she dressed with care. She looked at the finished product – tidy hair, carefully applied make-up. She’d chosen a simple pair of slacks and a cotton shirt that looked more expensive than it really was. The jacket was smart and fit her well. It made the rest of it come together to make an outfit. Details. Gimhana had trained her well.
Standing sideways on, she examined her figure. Since getting married, she had eaten better and got out more, so she was no longer skin and bones, but was still far from podgy. She eyed her chest and stomach. She knew she looked smart. For the first time in years, she wondered if she could look sexy.
She rarely thought about sexual satisfaction. It was as though she’d locked that part of her away along with her heartbreak. It was the only way she could function: focus on her work; get through a day, then another, then another. Once she met Gimhana, things had improved. She’d remembered how to enjoy life a bit, but always, there were limits. What if those limits were permanent? She thought of the little frisson she’d felt when Noah shook her hand. What if they weren’t?
She looked at her hands. They were clammy. This was new. She washed them.
She felt as though she was about to go on stage, not go out to dinner. In fact, she wasn't sure if she’d be able to eat anything. The tightness in her throat and chest had been there all day. If she wasn’t careful, she’d have a full-blown panic attack before she even got to see Noah. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths, trying to force open the knot above her diaphragm. She was going to tell Noah what had happened. She had made a mistake all those years ago, letting him go. If there was anything she could do to undo that, she would do it. Things may not work out. They were both different people now. It was a risk she had to take.
A Convenient Marriage Page 30
