Absolution

by Kaylea Cross

  Nope. Not going there.

  Crushing the paper bag in her hand, she turned off the light and went to her bedroom, passing Luke’s along the way. She had the fleeting thought she should climb into his bed and wait for him, and see what he’d do about it. But she quickly came to her senses. He’d probably stay downstairs all night working, so that would be a waste of time. And why should she be the one to make that move? If he wanted her just as badly, this time it should be up to him.

  Closing her bedroom door behind her, she turned on the bedside lamp and went into the bathroom to undress, keeping that light off. She didn’t want to see the disfiguring scars where her right breast had been as she removed the prosthetic bra, or the IV port plugged into her subclavian vein beneath her right collarbone. She hated looking at all of it, and her background as a nurse didn’t make it any easier to bear. Sometimes she regretted her decision not to have a reconstruction done, but at the time she’d been thoroughly sick of hospitals and uninterested in undergoing another surgery. She’d been more worried about getting rid of the cancer than she had about her appearance. Besides, she could do it at some point in the future if she wanted.

  If you survive.

  Blocking the oily whisper in her head, she pulled on her favorite pale pink nightie and walked across the cream, silk carpet to the bed. Pulling back the thick down duvet and sliding in, she eyed the paper bag she’d left on the nightstand.

  You don’t have the guts.

  No, she didn’t. She couldn’t stand to make herself that vulnerable to Luke again, and cringed at the thought of him seeing her naked. How sexy was she right now? One breast carved away, wearing a wig, brows penciled on with cosmetics, and having to use lube because the chemo dried her out even more than the total hysterectomy had. Yum, what a prize.

  Rolling onto her side she flipped the lamp off and shut her eyes, going over the fight she’d had with Luke earlier, analyzing his words. I’m not over you, and I never will be. He’d seemed so sincere when he’d said it. Was he really staying away because of his job, or was he using that as an excuse? Not that it mattered. Point was, he intended to keep his distance, regardless of his feelings for her.

  Yet the more she thought about it, the more pissed off she got. Her time was running out, and he was going on a mission into hostile territory tomorrow. Just how many chances did he think they were going to get to be together in this lifetime? She lay there stewing about it until someone came up the stairs. Her heart tripped, but the footsteps passed by her room and the door to Rhys and Neveah’s room closed. Soon after, heavier treads followed, but they too passed by and carried on to next door. Rhys, joining Neveah. His deep voice seeped through the wall between their rooms, and a husky feminine laugh followed. Then everything got quiet and there was no doubt as to the reason why.

  She was about to get up and go back down to watch a movie with Bryn when she heard someone else coming up the stairs. The treads came down the hallway, slowing as they approached her room, then stopped in front of it. All her muscles tensed and she held her breath. Seconds ticked past while her gaze stayed locked on the doorknob, waiting for it to turn. Willing it to. But the steps went in the other direction instead, and a few moments later a door shut down the hall. Luke. Had to be, since Bryn was staying in her father’s old room at the opposite end of the hall. Sighing, Emily flopped onto her back. He’d walked away yet again.

  Disappointment gave way, transforming into resentment. She lay in the darkness, alone, while Nev and Rhys made love in the next room and Luke remained alone in his on the other side of the wall. He’d be in the shower, because he never went to bed without showering first, and though things might have changed over the years, she was sure they hadn’t changed that much. Images of his naked, muscular body beneath the spray of water had her squirming around an ache of arousal until she wanted to snarl in frustration. This was exactly why she hadn’t wanted to come here. She was going to go insane before this was over.

  When the blue digital display of the clock on her nightstand flipped to two in the morning, Emily gave up any hope of sleeping and turned on the bedside lamp. To hell with this, she thought, riding a wave of anger as she ripped open the bag and grabbed the bottle of lube. She might feel less than sexy, but she was still a woman and still had needs of her own. Life was too damn short to waste an opportunity to be with Luke because of insecurity and hurt feelings. Once again, it was up to her to reach out.

  Fine. She couldn’t stand leaving things this way between them for another minute anyway. Something had to give. Maybe once this happened she’d be at peace, or be able to get some closure. Something.

  Pausing at her door, she smoothed the wig into place and quietly turned the handle, careful not to make any noise as she stepped into the hall and tiptoed to Luke’s room. She felt ridiculous for having to sneak around like she was doing something illegal, but she didn’t want an audience for this. Facing him was hard enough without drawing anyone else’s attention. Especially if he turned her down and she had to slink back to her room in a few minutes.

  A moment’s indecision hit her when she stood in front of his door, and she lowered the hand she’d raised to knock. She wasn’t going to knock, for God’s sake. She was going to march in there and take what she wanted. Tossing her hair back, body humming with anticipation and desire, she turned the knob and pushed the door open, striding into the room as if she belonged there. Which she did. Her rightful place was with Luke, even if he was determined to fight the idea of them being together.

  “Em?” Luke sat up in bed, the covers falling to his waist and revealing the mouth-watering contours of his muscled chest and arms. She stalled out halfway to him, growing unsure of herself under the intensity of his gaze. “You okay?”

  “Yes.” Her voice was hoarse and tentative instead of full of authority like she wanted it to be.

  In the soft light coming through the filmy drapes, his eyes glowed like agates as he stared at her.

  Breaking free of the paralysis holding her, Emily prowled toward him. She might not have control over her life or what was happening to her body, but she damn well was going to have control over this, even if for only one night. Right now she was going to take care of business on her terms.

  He must have sensed the predatory vibe coming from her because his eyes flared and a muscle jumped in his lean, bearded jaw. “Something on your mind?”

  “I don’t want to talk,” she informed him, pleased when his brows rose in surprise. That’s right. I’m not here to answer any of your questions. He sat up even further as she reached the bed, the muscles in his arms and shoulders tensing. Good. She wanted him on edge, wondering what she would do.

  Before she could over think the situation, she leaned against the edge of the mattress, took his gorgeous face between her hands and kissed him. Luke sucked in a sharp breath and pulled back, but she held on and kissed him harder, deeper, sliding her tongue into his mouth. He broke away.

  “Em—”

  “Shut up,” she muttered, furious and desperate, and sealed their lips together once more. This time he responded, his hands sliding up her back and into her wig. Though she couldn’t feel his fingers in the strands, she felt the pressure of his hands against her scalp and that was all she needed because it told her how much he wanted her. The pressure increased as he leaned up and brought her closer, trying to take over, but she wouldn’t allow it. Not this time. Tonight, she ran the show. And she proved it by nipping at his full lower lip and breaking his hold.

  Luke’s head jerked back and he stared at her, chest rising and falling with rapid breaths. She ran her hands through his thick hair and buried her face in his throat, relishing his clean masculine scent and the frantic beat of his pulse. Soap, dark spices and aroused male. The smells that haunted her dreams.

  Broad hands traveled up her back, his arms holding her gently. So strong and warm. He nuzzled her temple. “Tell me what do you want, Em.”

  She drew in another deep
lungful of his scent and exhaled slowly. “You.” That’s all she’d ever wanted.

  Before he could answer she kissed him again, slower this time. Slow enough to savor the exquisite softness of his lips and the brush of his beard against her skin. The silky softness of the inside of his mouth and the velvet nap of his caressing tongue. The lingering hint of spearmint from his toothpaste.

  The throb of arousal grew to a hot ache that centered low in her belly and between her thighs, shocking in its ferocity. Sliding her hands down his neck to his wide shoulders, Emily followed the path with kisses, gliding her lips over his smooth skin while she reacquainted herself with each curve and line of his powerful physique. She could feel the sheer strength of him pulsing beneath her touch. Her tongue darted out to glide over his collarbone, then lower over the pad of his pec to the flat, deep bronze nipple in the center. Rubbing her cheek against him, feeling the pounding of his heart, she licked it.

  Luke hissed and grabbed her head but she shook free and kept going with her sensual exploration. Apparently done with being passive, he seized her waist and swung his legs around to the side of the bed so that his feet touched the floor. She braced herself against his chest and pushed back, shaking her head. After a tense second he let go, watching her with blazing eyes. The sheet was pushed down to his hips now, so she trailed a hand down his chest and over his clenched abdomen, over his tensed thighs to lightly brush over his rock hard erection straining against the thin covering. It kicked against her hand, but he didn’t move otherwise. The silence expanded, magnifying the heated rush of their breath.

  Closing her eyes, Emily rested her forehead against his sternum and wrapped her hand around the length of him, squeezing and stroking until a deep rumble of pleasure came out of his chest. She felt the vibrations against her cheek and smiled in satisfaction. She would have him writhing and begging before she took him, she vowed, releasing him to peel back the sheet in a slow, teasing manner. Then she went to her knees before him.

  Giving herself a few inches of space to look up at him, the breath caught in her lungs. His chest rose and fell with rapid breaths, those dark eyes glittering down at her. Below the ridged outline of his abs, his thick penis lay stretched out across his belly, dark and swollen with need. Oh God, she needed him. More than he knew.

  But when she nuzzled her way down his abs, Luke took hold of her head and stopped her. When he spoke, his voice was deeper than normal, ragged. “Em, don’t force this. You don’t need to—”

  Ignoring him, she curled her fingers around his and pulled them free of her head. She wasn’t nauseated from the chemo treatment, which was a miracle in itself. She was going to make the most of that right now. Placing his hands on the bed on either side of his hips, she pressed on them so he understood she didn’t want him to interfere with this. This was about pleasure; his to receive and enjoy, and hers to give. She needed him like this. Raising her eyes, she let him see both her hunger and her entreaty. In answer Luke’s nostrils flared, something dark and knowing entering his eyes. But he left his hands where she’d placed them, giving his silent consent.

  Taking the beautiful, hard length of him in her hand, she let her other caress his inner thighs and gently trail over his scrotum. He inhaled sharply. Her breathing grew ragged along with his, her body preparing itself to take him deep inside and hold him there, finally, after all these years. A shudder ran through her at the thought.

  “Baby,” he whispered, breaking her request to keep his hands on the mattress as he stroked her hot cheek with questioning fingertips.

  Emily closed her eyes and leaned into him, resting her head on his thigh as she stroked him from base to tip, base to tip, then swirling gently around the head with her fist until his low growl shot around the room. Beckoned by the rising need she sensed in him, she lowered her head and rubbed the hot velvet length of him with her cheek. He pulsed beneath her touch, thigh muscles twitching beneath her palms. Yes, she thought as she nuzzled him more. This was how she wanted him. Hungry. Waiting. Wondering if she would take him in her mouth.

  Rubbing him gently with her face, she dared to look up into his eyes. Staring down at her with naked longing, he brought his hand to her nape and cradled the back of her neck as he shifted forward on the edge of the mattress and spread his thighs. She was caught in the dark depths of his eyes, unable to look away.

  Holding her gaze, he lifted his hips in a subtle motion and rubbed the head of his engorged cock against her lips. She licked her lips, swiping away the silky drops that wept from the tip, salty on her tongue.

  His long fingers contracted ever so slightly around her nape, holding her in place. “Suck me, Em,” he rasped, half command and half desperate plea.

  Everything in her went hot and soft. God. He knew exactly what he was doing to her with that display of tender dominance. She’d always found it sexy as hell. He knew precisely what turned her on and how much to push her to increase her excitement. Kneeling before him in this submissive posture while still having control sent a thrill coursing through her.

  Staring into his eyes, she parted her lips and pressed a tender kiss to the glistening tip of his cock, loving the way he jerked in her grasp. He lifted against her again, a silent plea, and she tenderly slid her tongue around the head, tasting the salt and the heat of him. Luke drew in a harsh breath and clenched his jaw. She teased him with tiny flicks, feathering over the sensitive spot beneath the tip and down the shaft, underneath to his sac. Flattening her tongue, she gave him a slow, gentle stroke that made him moan out loud and widen his thighs while she leisurely pumped him with her fist. Nestling deeper between his trembling legs, she let her eyes close and got lost in the bliss of pleasing him.

  The pressure on the back of her neck increased subtly. “Suck me, baby.” His voice was ragged, pleading.

  Yes. Her heart thundered in her chest. She’d fantasized about this forever.

  Moving upward, she opened her lips and closed her mouth around the plump head, applying tender suction as she twirled her tongue in a slow circle. A low, agonized moan ripped from Luke and his head fell back, every muscle in his magnificent body drawn taut, his back arching while he fought to keep from shoving deeper into her mouth. She felt the pressure of his hands on her head and knew he clenched his fists in the wig. Tears burned the backs of her eyes as she pleasured him, but she refused to let them fall. She was going to savor every second of this time with him, milk every bit of enjoyment from it.

  “Oh, God, baby, that feels so good,” he groaned. “Yeah, right there...” The words dissolved into a delicious moan.

  A soft whimper issued from her own throat, her body pulsing with desire. She loved him with her mouth for long minutes until he was panting and his skin was damp with sweat. But then he took hold of her head in both hands and gently pulled her away.

  Blinking up at him, she met Luke’s stare. The wild, desperate pleasure was there for her to see in his molten eyes and the tense lines of his expression.

  “Come up here and take me,” he said, his voice hoarse with need and erotic promise. His hands tugged at her gently.

  She hesitated.

  His thumbs rubbed her temples. “Are you sore inside?”

  Swallowing, she shook her head. Early menopause and the chemo’s side effects had dried her out, but didn’t have any sores like she’d had after the first treatment. That’s not what was holding her back. The thought of him seeing her scars—that was enough to kill any tingles of pleasure she’d been feeling. She didn’t want him to see her body, and wasn’t sure she could take him inside her even with the lube. The little bottle lay cool against the flushed skin of her right calf. It was humiliating to have to use it so she could have sex with him, especially when she was more thoroughly aroused than she’d been in forever.

  “Want a condom?”

  She stiffened. God, she’d been so caught up in what they were doing that she’d completely forgotten to consider that he’d been with other women since her. No doub
t numerous ones. She forced the thought away and found her voice. “Do we need one?”

  Luke’s touch was gentle on her face. “Would I have let you go down on me if we did?” He shook his head. “I’m clean.”

  She let out the breath she’d been holding. Thank God. “Then we don’t need one.” Gathering her resolve, she reached down and picked up the lube before rising to her feet, hunching her shoulders a bit so her missing breast wouldn’t be as obvious beneath her thin nightgown. Why hadn’t she thought to wear her robe?

  Her legs shook and her hands were unsteady when she reached for his shoulders to balance herself. Luke took hold of her waist and lifted her effortlessly as he leaned up for a slow, sensual kiss, arranging her thighs on either side of his hips. The ridge of his erection pressed against her abdomen through the thin satin she wore, hard and searing hot. With one hand he took the bottle from her, and she felt the blush of embarrassment staining her face.

  “It’s the chemo,” she explained in a whisper, cringing at how unsexy she felt. She didn’t want to ruin the moment, but she wanted to make sure he understood it wasn’t his fault she wasn’t wet. “It’s not that I don’t want you—”

  “Shhh,” he soothed against her lips, gliding his hands over the satin covering the small of her back. “It’s okay. I’ll take care of you.”

  Her lower belly tightened in reflex. He would. Luke could and absolutely would see to her pleasure, but that’s not how she wanted this to go. She was too nervous to enjoy what he might do to her anyway, and besides, this was for him. Her pleasure was going to come from ensuring his. She couldn’t wait.

  Pushing at his shoulders, she took the bottle from him as he lay back against the pillows and scooted up so she’d have better access to him. Trying to cover the awkward lapse she’d caused, she uncapped the thing and went to pour some of the clear liquid into her hand but Luke took her wrist and held out his other palm instead. It pooled in the center of his hand and she could only watch, mesmerized by the sight of that broad palm as it wrapped around the swollen length of him, strong fingers curling around the shaft, surrounding it with a seductive caress.