Without Looking Back

by Tabitha Suzuma

  There was a terrible silence. Louis saw that Dad’s face was bright red. Beads of perspiration had broken out in the crevasses that lined his forehead. Louis had never heard him shout like that before. Even Max had flinched.

  Louis leaned over and pulled Millie’s seatbelt across her as she sat, eyes wide, looking stricken. Max swore under his breath and rolled down the window, leaning his chin on his arm and glaring out.

  Millie choked back a whimper and said, ‘Louis didn’t do anything, Daddy.’

  Dad drove on in silence, his jaw set. Millie took a deep breath to say something else and Louis gave her a quick shake of the head. She remained silent.

  Back at the farmhouse they got out of the car in the worst silence imaginable. Millie was still crying silently, now and again letting out small, muffled, whimpering noises which only added to the tension. Max headed straight for the barn and grabbed his bike, but Dad stopped him. ‘Where d’you think you’re going?’

  ‘Anywhere,’ Max muttered. ‘As far away from here as possible.’

  ‘Come inside the house. I need to talk to you.’

  ‘No,’ Max said.

  Millie cringed and Louis braced himself for another volley of shouting, but Dad just said, ‘Come inside, all of you,’ in such a flat, defeated voice that Max put down his bike and followed him in without another word.

  They sat around the kitchen table, looking glum. Millie was still sniffing. Max was still glowering. Louis stared blankly at a stain on the table where Millie had once spilled some ketchup. Dad sat down heavily and took a deep breath. ‘I’m very, very sorry I shouted at you all in the car just now,’ he said, his voice low and oddly subdued. ‘I lost my temper and I didn’t mean what I said. I’m just very angry right now. Not at you. I should have never taken it out on you.’

  Millie instantly brightened, suddenly realizing that no telling-off was forthcoming. ‘Who are you angry at, Daddy?’

  ‘I’m angry at Miss Kano,’ Dad replied.

  Louis’ head snapped up. ‘What?’

  Even Max looked interested. ‘Is this about the competition?’

  ‘Yes,’ Dad replied. He took another breath. ‘Miss Kano assured me there would be no press present at the dance competition on Saturday. I expressly told her that we were a camera-shy family and didn’t want our picture to appear in any kind of publication.’

  ‘In case we were recognized,’ Max said.

  ‘Exactly – though of course I didn’t tell her that. Well, the damn woman completely let me down.’ Dad got up and, with an angry sigh, yanked open a kitchen drawer and pulled out a newspaper. ‘It’s only the local rag, but look at this,’ he said.

  He threw the paper down on the table. Max and Millie instantly grabbed at it. Max won the fight and Millie climbed onto the table to get a better look. With a shaky feeling in his limbs, Louis got up and stood behind Max.

  NEWCOMER TRIUMPHS AT JUNIOR DANCE COMPETITION

  There was a grinning picture of Louis and Tess, holding up their medals to the camera. Below it, the article read:

  Twelve-year-old Liam Franklin, from Grasmere, hasn’t been in the country very long but already he’s started making a name for himself by winning first prize at the Junior Modern-Dance Competition yesterday in Preston, with his dance partner, Tess Morham. The Franklin family – dad Jonathan, sister Katie (8) and brother Josh (14) – moved into one of the refurbished holiday homes near Grasmere after moving here all the way from New Caledonia just two months ago. And according to Liam’s dance teacher, Mrs Asha Kano, Liam is already showing tremendous promise as a dancer. ‘I can’t take all the credit because I’ve only had him in my class for four weeks,’ the Windermere-based Miss Kano said. ‘For someone so young, he is already showing incredible maturity in his interpretation and expression. He is one of those rare dancers who is able to combine all forms of movement, from ballet to street-dance to gymnastics, and move across all styles seamlessly.’

  Max was the first to speak. ‘Oh, no,’ he breathed.

  ‘What does “seamlessly” mean?’ Millie wanted to know.

  ‘Shut up, Millie, that’s not important,’ Max said. ‘Dad, what are we going to do?’

  ‘What can we do?’ Dad said. ‘Except just lie low and keep our fingers crossed.’

  ‘Are we going to have to move?’ Max asked.

  ‘Oh no, oh no, please no!’ Millie begged.

  ‘Hopefully not,’ Dad said. ‘But for the next few days we’re going to have to be very, very careful. That’s why I took the day off work today. That’s why I didn’t want you going off on your own. Hopefully this story will just get buried and no one will give it another thought. But we must keep our heads down for the next few days, just in case.’

  ‘So we can’t leave the house?’ Millie asked, her eyes wide.

  ‘We can,’ said Dad. ‘We’ll have to, but together. I don’t want us to get separated in case we have to make a sudden getaway. It’s important we’re still seen around and just keep to our normal business. I’ve said I’m working at home this week – just to be on the safe side.’

  ‘Why did Miss Kano lie to you about the press?’ Max asked.

  ‘I’ve no idea,’ Dad said. ‘But Louis, listen. I’m afraid that’s the end of any more dance classes, and the competition in London is obviously out of the question. We can’t have anything to do with that woman again.’

  Louis stared up at his father in horror. ‘Dad, no! She didn’t do this on purpose – she wasn’t to know!’

  ‘Louis, I’m not even going to discuss this with you now. Our house, our whole life here is in jeopardy because of that woman. We can’t trust her and we can’t risk you going to competitions again and having your photo in the paper. You’ll have to do your dancing at home.’

  Louis felt the heat rush to his face and it was a monumental effort not to shout. ‘Dad, you can’t ban me from dance classes! It’s what I love more than anything! It’s what I do best!’

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, Louis, stop being so dramatic,’ Max pitched in. ‘It’s not like there’s a career to being a dancer or anything—’

  ‘How do you know?’ Louis found himself shouting now. ‘You don’t know the first thing about dancing! Miss Kano said I was good enough to go on the West End stage. They are holding auditions down in Leeds for the musical Billy Elliot – she said that I’d have an excellent chance—!’

  ‘Louis, you should have known that would be completely out of the question,’ Dad said. ‘There’s no way you could appear on stage while we’re wanted by the police—’

  ‘You’re the one who’s wanted by the police!’ Louis yelled. ‘You’re the one who broke the law! Why should we have to pay the price?’ He could feel the blood pounding in his cheeks, feel the shouts tear at his throat. He knew he was being unreasonable, demanding, vain even. But he didn’t care. Suddenly the pain of having the two things he cared about most, brutally and unfairly snatched from his grasp, was too much to bear. Two days ago he had been so happy, so excited. And now—

  ‘Louis, I’m sorry,’ Dad said. ‘But that’s just the way it is. We made a joint decision to stay here. And we knew there would be sacrifices. I’m just sorry this had to be the first.’ He rubbed the back of his hand across his eyes, looking exhausted, and moved towards the kitchen door. ‘I’m going upstairs to call Meg,’ he said quietly. ‘Please don’t leave the house without me. I really need your co-operation and support if we’re to get through this together.’ And with that, he left the room.

  Louis sank down on a kitchen chair, breathing heavily. His heart was thumping so hard his whole chest hurt. He found that his hands were shaking and pressed them together to try to stop it. He felt suffocated, chained to the house, buried alive. He couldn’t understand why the others didn’t feel it too.

  Max looked at him with a patronizing air. ‘God, you really know how to make things worse, don’t you.’

  Louis didn’t look at him, hands still clenched together in his lap. �
�Don’t even start, Max . . .’ His voice shook.

  Millie picked up Treasure and retreated warily to a corner of the room.

  ‘Don’t even start what?’ Max demanded, his eyes narrowing. ‘I can’t believe you were such a baby about your precious dance classes. Don’t you think we’ve all got more important stuff to be worrying about?’

  Louis looked slowly up at him. ‘Get lost,’ he said.

  Max stepped forward, his eyes narrowing. ‘What?’

  ‘I’m sure you’ve got more important stuff to be worrying about,’ Louis repeated. ‘Like your new girlfriend, for example.’

  Max’s cheeks flared. ‘How do you know?’

  ‘I saw you in the barn!’

  Max’s eyes filled with scorn. ‘Don’t tell me you’re jealous!’

  ‘She’s my friend!’

  ‘Yes, friend,’ Max repeated, almost spitting out the word. ‘That’s it, just friends. There’s no law saying I can’t go out with other people’s friends, is there?’

  ‘You knew I liked her!’

  ‘You’re twelve years old! Tess is nearly fifteen. Did you think there was any chance she would go out with a child?’

  ‘I’m not a child!’ Louis yelled, leaping to his feet, his chair clattering to the floor.

  ‘Look’ – Max held out his hands – ‘what was I supposed to say – oh, I’m sorry, I can’t go out with you because my kid brother has a crush on you?’

  ‘She was my friend!’

  ‘Listen to yourself! You’re twelve going on six!’

  Louis’ arm started moving before he had time to think. His knuckles made contact with Max’s jaw and he heard Millie scream. Suddenly his clenched fist was throbbing and Max was lying on the floor. He turned and ran from the room.

  Louis heard the barn door scrape open. He didn’t move. Sitting on the cold stone floor against the wall, knees drawn up, hands over his face, he could feel the hot tears trickling down between his fingers, down the inside of his wrists. Shuffling footsteps approached, then a small voice said, ‘Louis?’

  He didn’t look up. Held his breath and hoped she would go away. But her arm brushed against his leg as she sat down beside him, and he felt the press of her small body against his shoulder.

  ‘Loulou . . .’

  He took a shuddering breath, trying to keep the sound of tears from his voice. ‘Just leave me alone.’

  There was a silence. Then Millie said, ‘I don’t like Max either.’

  Louis sniffed hard and said nothing.

  ‘Loulou?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Are you sad because Tess is Max’s girlfriend now?’

  He didn’t reply.

  ‘I think she made a mistake,’ Millie said. ‘I think she’s really silly. She just likes Max because he’s the oldest. But you’re the nicest.’

  A muffled sob escaped him. He bit his tongue hard.

  ‘Louis, please don’t cry,’ Millie went on, her voice very small.

  He tried to oblige, holding his breath again.

  ‘You’re my favourite,’ Millie said. ‘You’re the best brother in the whole world.’

  Louis breathed deeply, trying to stem the tears. ‘I’m just really sick of this—’

  ‘Sick of Max?’

  ‘No, sick of this. Having to hide, having to change our names, having to pretend we’re someone else.’ He sniffed again. ‘It might have been fun for a few weeks but it’s wearing a bit thin now.’

  ‘But wouldn’t you rather live with Dad than with Maman?’ Millie asked, sounding surprised.

  ‘I don’t know any more,’ Louis said, and he put his hands back over his face and started to sob – for a mother he’d lost, for a stolen girl he’d never even had a chance with, for a dancing career that was over before it had even begun.

  Chapter Thirteen

  THE WEEK THAT followed was one of the longest of Louis’ life. Dad was trying to work from home, but he was tense and snappy. Louis and Max had entered a cold war, and weren’t talking to each other except when strictly necessary. Millie was the only one who seemed happy, spending her time reading and sunbathing and playing with her cat. Despite the purple bruise on Max’s jaw, Dad hadn’t said anything about Louis’ punch – perhaps because he had other things on his mind, or perhaps because he understood. Tess came round to dinner a couple of times, but there was no dance practice as Dad had told Louis to pretend to Miss Kano he had hurt his leg. After the meal Max and Tess would disappear upstairs together. The pain Louis felt when he glanced across the kitchen table at her was almost too much to bear – she was still friendly towards him, but he saw now that it was in the same way as she was friendly towards Millie – like an older sister.

  The following Monday, Dad went back to work. He had a big presentation to give in the afternoon which he couldn’t miss, and he seemed to have finally relaxed about the newspaper article. Max and Millie went swimming in the lake mid-morning while Louis stayed at home watching TV. A dull, heavy apathy seemed to have encased him so that even the clear blue sky and glassy lakes had lost their appeal. He felt hollow, numb and useless. When Max and Millie returned for lunch, flushed from the ride, brown from the sun, hair still dripping, their loud voices and good cheer were exhausting. Max put some pasta on to cook and asked Louis if he was hungry, Millie laid the table talking about a baby deer they’d seen swimming in the water, and Louis did his best to join in, not wanting to appear as if he was still sulking.

  ‘And the baby deer was swimming doggy-paddle, like this!’ Millie was saying, doing a rather good impression of a deer trying to keep its head above water. ‘And it was turning its head this way and that way. It was so cute, Louis, you should have come! I wished I could have taken it home. D’you think deers can be kept as pets? Like if we built a fence round the garden—’

  ‘They’re wild animals,’ Louis said. ‘It would be cruel.’

  ‘They say that deer meat is very tender,’ Max said, dishing up the pasta with an evil laugh.

  ‘Oh, horrid!’ Millie exclaimed.

  ‘You’ve never eaten deer meat,’ Louis said to Max.

  ‘No, but I have eaten horse. And I must say it was pretty good.’

  ‘No!’ Millie cried in horror. ‘How could you, Max? That’s so cruel!’

  ‘Well, it was already dead,’ Max said from around a mouthful of pasta. ‘So what difference did it make whether I ate it or not?’

  ‘When did you eat horse meat?’ Louis asked him suspiciously.

  ‘When we went to stay with Grandmère in Port Camargue, the year before she died,’ Max replied. ‘You were there too. You ate it too.’

  ‘That’s only because I was too young to know what I was eating,’ Louis retorted.

  ‘What difference does it make?’ Max asked. ‘We eat pigs and chickens on a regular basis. Are horses or deer somehow more important?’

  ‘No,’ Louis said. ‘They’re just more beautiful.’

  ‘I’m going to be vegetarian when I grow up,’ Millie announced. ‘That way I won’t be eating any poor animals.’

  ‘It won’t make any difference,’ Max said. ‘There’ll still be just as many dead chickens in the supermarkets.’

  ‘So?’ Millie retorted. ‘At least it won’t be me that’s eating them!’

  ‘Why not become a vegetarian right now?’ Louis said. ‘Why wait till you’re grown up?’

  ‘Louis!’ Max exclaimed. ‘Stop putting ideas in her head!’

  ‘I’m not,’ Louis countered. ‘She’s the one who came up with idea of—’

  ‘I can’t be a vegetarian yet,’ Millie said sensibly. ‘I’m still growing. I need protein for my bones, and anyway, I hardly ever eat meat.’

  ‘You’re eating meat now,’ Max told her.

  ‘Aargh!’ She spat her mouthful onto her plate.

  ‘Millie!’ Max and Louis yelled at her in unison.

  ‘You’re disgusting,’ Max said.

  ‘Clear it up,’ said Louis.

  �
�He said I was eating meat!’

  ‘You eat meat all the time!’ Louis shouted at her. ‘Anyway, Max is lying, there’s no meat in pasta.’

  ‘What are those white bits then?’

  ‘Cheese!’

  ‘Well, cheese comes from an animal, doesn’t it? So if I’m going to become a vegetarian, I shouldn’t—’

  Suddenly, outside the kitchen window, there was a scrabbling of loose stones and a frantic thudding on the front door.

  Max dropped his fork and stared at Louis, his eyes wide. Millie drew in her breath sharply.

  ‘Don’t move,’ Louis said. ‘Don’t move. Don’t make a sound.’

  ‘Is it the police?’ Millie whimpered.

  ‘Shh,’ Max said to her.

  They sat, frozen, round their plates of half-eaten pasta. The thudding came again, this time louder.

  ‘Please open the door!’ they heard a voice call. ‘It’s me, Tess!’

  Max let out a sigh of relief. Louis picked up his fork again, his heart still thudding. Millie leaped from her seat and ran out into the hall.

  But when Millie returned with Tess, Max jumped up. ‘What’s happened?’

  Her face was streaked with tears. Her hair was wild and windswept and she was panting so hard she looked ready to collapse. ‘You’ve got to go,’ she gasped. ‘Please. You’ve got to go, now. They know. They all know.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Max was pulling out a chair and pushing her down into it. ‘Katie, get me a glass of water. Tess, just calm down. Try and catch your breath.’

  But Tess was still trying to speak, pushing Max’s arm away. ‘Louis,’ she said desperately, ‘they know.’

  Louis hadn’t moved from his place at the table, his fork still in his hand. He stared at Tess, feeling the blood drain from his face and a cold shiver of horror spread over his skin. ‘You promised—’ he whispered.

  ‘Would somebody tell me what the hell is going on?’ Max shouted, his eyes wide with outrage. ‘Who knows what? What on earth are you talking about?’

  Louis got up from the table and backed away, staring at Max, his hands beginning to shake. ‘I told her,’ he said.