I was sure he could hear, or feel, how hard it was for me to breathe. Unbelievable, I wasn’t scared at all of having him this close to me. I was so happy my heart was racing. I trusted him completely. He knew me. He knew how I felt. He wouldn’t hurt me.
Ethan rested his left hand on my abdomen, and I placed my hand over his to let him know I was fine. Neither of us spoke. He was pulling my heart back into him. He knew I was in love with him. I wasn’t afraid to smile at him. He returned the warmth.
We remained in that position for a while. Eventually, we closed our eyes. I think we bother were afraid the moment would end if we moved. Although, we both knew it would have to end very soon.
I don’t know what he was thinking about, but after the initial elation of having him next to me subsided, my mind wandered back to Hannah. I wondered if they broken up and that was his way of telling me? Or were they still together and that was why he was not moving any closer to me? I had to know. Regardless of interrupting that perfect moment and causing its end, I had to ask.
Gently, I wrapped my fingers around his and held them. Then, I slid his hand up closer to my neck. It felt like I was grasping a security blanket. I pressed it hard to the bones in my chest. It was giving me strength to ask, “Ethan, why are you here with me?”
It took him, what seemed like several minutes to respond. He finally whispered, “Because I want to be here. This is what I want. This is where I want to be, next to you.” Then after a pause he said again to me, “I keep you close, so I can keep you close.”
I wasn’t satisfied with that answer, so I reworded the question this time. “Okay, I’m still not really sure what that means Ethan.” I asked, “Why are you here with me and not here with Hannah?”
Halfway through asking the question, my voice cracked. I couldn’t believe it. Oh my god, he’s still with her! was all I could think. He couldn’t lie to me, and I knew he wouldn’t lie to me. He had truly done nothing wrong to that point. He had not actually cheated on his girlfriend. But, he had managed to tear my heart out again. I waited for his answer.
“This is what I want Evi. I just don’t know how to have this.”
I squeezed his hand to my chest once more. I could hardly speak because the lump in my throat was paralyzing my voice. I turned my head away from him. I was embarrassed. Then, I released his hand and pushed it away from me. I was furious! I sat up, put my forehead on my knees and took a deep breath. I put my hands over my face. Then quickly, I turned to him.
“I told you I have to be the only one Ethan! I don’t think that is asking too much of anyone. You know how I feel about you and you bring me here to tease me. How can you of all people be so heartless?” Taking another deep breath I continued, “I trust you. I trust you!Please stop letting me down! Stop stringing me along! Stop playing games! Please!”
I didn’t get up and storm off. I just sat there beside him with my head down. There was nothing he could say in response. Absolutely nothing. He reached for me. He put his hands on my shoulders. I looked over at him. I could see that he was truly sad that he had hurt me more deeply than ever this time. Then, I turned toward him and let him take my hands hoping maybe it would somehow make us both feel better. I wanted to let him know that I love him, therefore I will always forgive him, but I was still furious.
Ethan looked at our hands. He sat silently. I waited for him to speak next. Then, he said again, “I don’t know how to have this… with you.”
I didn’t feel sorry for him. I was mad. I said to him, “It is very strange to me Ethan that you don’t have a problem wanting me, calling me for the past three years, bringing me here, hurting me, but you can’t seem to be open with your girlfriend about anything. How is that possible? I can’t even and don’t even want to imagine what you two must have in common. Why are you two still together?”
I didn’t want an answer. I just wanted to be heard.
Instead of leaving him there, I raised up on my knees and hobbled myself between his legs so I was facing him. I pulled his hands to my stomach and thought about what I was going to do next.
I released his hands and placed mine on his shoulders. Then slowly, I leaned and I kissed him very carefully on each cheek. He lightly placed his hands on my waist. I pressed my face against his and tried to breathe slowly so he wouldn’t think I was weak. I felt his fingers press into my lower back and a gentle pull. In a deep soothing voice, he said, “Closer, please Evi.”
With our faces still pressed together and our lips almost touching, I processed his words. I closed my eyes and exhaled. I was going to be the strong one here.
“Hey Ethan, hey Hannah!” Brody’s voice yelled from just down the beach.
I dropped from my knees to sitting on my hip between Ethan’s legs. I pressed my face into his chest. I heard Brody’s footsteps getting closer to us very quickly.
“Please make him leave Ethan. Please,” I whispered, begging, completely petrified.
“Oh! Evi! I’m so sorry.” Brody was breathless and clearly upset by what he’d just said and probably what he was seeing.
I couldn’t look at him. I was facing the other direction down the beach. I squeezed Ethan’s shirt, and he wrapped his arms around me with such a gentle strength. I knew he wanted to erase my humiliation. He’s had to protect me before from people’s whispers, and he had been keeping my secret safe too.
“Brody, can you just leave us please?” Ethan calmly asked.
“Evi, are you okay?” Brody called out to me.
I certainly did not want to upset Brody, so I barely whispered again, “Please Ethan. Please make him go.”
“She’s fine Brody. We just need a few more minutes.” Ethan was reassuring and protective.
Brody said nothing else and politely obliged. I knew he was worried but I also had a feeling he didn’t really want to face me yet either.
I had been so strong until that moment. I looked up into Ethan’s eyes and I burst into tears. I wrenched his shirt in my hands as I cried so hard. He held me tightly with his lips pressed to the top of my head. I wondered if Brody had gotten far enough away or if he could hear my uncontrollable sobbing.
Ethan reached his hands under my knees and pulled both of my legs over his left thigh. “It’s okay babe. It’s okay. I promise Evi. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay Ethan. I’ve done everything wrong by just coming here with you. You… have… a girlfriend! I love you and you have a girlfriend.” Three years of tears were falling.
His grip tightened. “I know you do sweetie. It’s going to be okay.”
I figured I’d get all of my tears out while I was there with him. I certainly didn’t want to go home and cry. I wiped my face over and over again on his shirt. It had gotten dark by this time so I can only imagine what kind of mess I had made.
Finally settling down, I twisted my torso a little. I leaned to the side so he could cradle me in his arms. My head was resting on his chest. It took one breath for me to realize that in my squirming, my dress had slid all the way up my thighs, and I was essentially sitting on Ethan’s lap in just my underwear. To make matters worse… for me… he had his hand placed gingerly over my hip bone on my skin. I felt his fingers soothing, learning.
I took a snapshot of the moment in my mind, then I pushed myself out of his arms and off of his chest. I moved so I was sitting between his legs, all the way down on the blanket with my feet now out to my side. I looked up at him and wanted him so badly. I was brave enough to touch his stomach. I said to him, “This hurt Ethan. Don’t do this to me again. You will always know where to find me. You will always have my number, my address, and anything else you could possibly need to find me in this world. I want you to myself Ethan. When you are ready, you can come for me, but please do not do this to me again. I will not let you do this to me again. Do you understand?”
He nodded and asked, “Will you wait for me Evi?”
Looking in his eyes I replied, “I don’t know Ethan. Will you come for m
e?”
He gave me no response so I knew it was time to end the evening.
“Ethan, one more thing before I go, I hope I don’t have to ask you this next question, but tonight, will you talk to Brody and make sure this is our little secret?”
“Of course Evi and you’re right, you did not have to ask me that question.”
“Thank you.”
I stood up, wiped my face one more time, turned, looked down the beach, put my hands on my hips, and said, “Now, do you want to sit there, or do you want to help me find my shoes? I am leaving you now! And I am leaving here tomorrow! I need to go home. And, since you do not have steps, I need my flimsy little shoes to climb up that dangerous mountainside.”
We both smiled and laughed a little. Ethan got up and we found my shoes.
“Now sit back down soldier,” I said in a commanding voice. “I’m leaving and I don’t need an escort. I’ll see you when I see you, and I thank you for an enchanting, an enlightening and then, an awkward evening.”
I walked to the edge of the trees and started climbing up the hill. I stopped for a second and turned back to Ethan. I called, “Ethan?”
“Yes Evi.”
“I have one more question for you before I go.”
“Yes Evi.”
“Are there any snakes in these woods?”
He burst out laughing and said, “No Evi! You’ve lived in this area your whole life and you don’t know it’s too cold for snakes here? There are no snakes. You’re perfectly safe.”
It was dark. I stumbled clumsily up through the trees, tripping on rocks, sliding on pine needles. I knew he was listening and certainly laughing.
I yelled back again, “You’re sure, right?”
“Yes Evi, I’m sure. There are no snakes.” For fun he added, “It’s the bats you need to worry about.”
I screamed, “No! You’re lying!”
“Be careful Evi, they love to get tangled in long blonde hair. Yours will be an easy target. There’s a lot of it.”
I screamed and began trying to run up the hill.
“You’re a jerk Ethan!” I yelled back down to the beach as I reached his yard. And more laughter rang out from below. Ugh! Why do I love him so much? I thought laughing too, and I went to my car.
I left this time in my life behind me.
I guess that was the best way for me to leave home for college. I knew that Ethan did, on some level, truly love me. I knew that I did not have a “crush” on Ethan. I was in love with him. And, when I left his house, I wasn’t feeling hurt. I couldn’t wait to get up the next morning and start my new life.
Chapter 8
I don’t think I need to go into many details about my move to Charleston. We had a great family vacation. My brother flew from Charleston back to his school in Washington the day I moved into my dorm, and my parents returned to Idaho the next day.
Jarren was starting his third year of college. I had spent a lot of time with him at his school, so I knew what to expect of the so called college life. The moving into my dorm room, meeting my roommate, buying books, finding my classes, figuring out my favorite places to eat, and so on, that was all routine for me. Jarren and I were very close, and I had walked through the process with him for two years. I loved hanging out in his dorm with him and his friends when I was in high school. I was excited to start my own adventure.
Blessed is how I truly felt about my roommate. Not only did she and I adore each other and get along really well, but we became fast friends with all of the girls on our hall. We compared class schedules and started figuring out who was going to eat with whom throughout the week. We figured out which of us had classes nearest to the other and where the best place to eat was located. There was a group of eight of us who got along perfectly, and we all became our own little family very quickly.
My roommate’s name was Piper. She was from Florida. Her dad had grown up a surfer, so he named her for the word “pipeline.” Her dad was blonde and blue eyed and her mom was South American. She had the most beautiful skin tone and she also had hair to her waist, except hers was very dark brown and very straight and smooth.
I told her my name was Everclear but people call me Evi. I also told her that I was named after the lake in my hometown. I loved her name, and she loved mine. We got a kick out the fact that both of our dads had named us after water! We also thought it was strange that we went to college there for the same reason. Her family, like mine, had vacationed in Charleston since she was a child, so choosing to go to school here was easy for her.
Classes started and the fall semester moved along. For fun, we would all either go downtown or we often went to the Citadel football games. Sometimes we were lucky and my friend Byron would be working the door at a bar called The Venue. He would let us in so we could dance. We gave him our word that we would not drink. I, of course, didn’t drink anyway. I just wanted to dance.
The Venue was in the historic shopping district by the market. It was a fairly large place by Charleston’s standards. You could dance inside or outside. It was our favorite place to go on the weekends.
As I mentioned before, the fall moved along smoothly. There were no monumental moments worth mentioning. There were no guys to date and no calls or texts from Ethan or even Kieron. Brody and I stayed in touch for the first few weeks, but once we both were in our school routines, we stayed preoccupied with our own social lives.
I often thought about every moment I had ever had with Ethan, especially our last night together, but instead of dwelling on my memories every day, I was only thinking about him a few times a week. Why should he call? After all, I was the one who told him to leave me alone until he decided I was the only one. I figured he had not made that decision yet.
I was also proud of myself for never having told Piper about Ethan. She knew Brody was my best friend and she knew about Kieron, but I was too embarrassed to try to explain Ethan. Piper had seen pictures of Kieron and I, and she had seen dance pictures of me with other guys, but no pictures exist of Ethan and me. Along with not sharing the story of Ethan, I also never bothered to explain to her that I had still never kissed anyone. I just let her assume that my relationship with Kieron was “normal” by today’s standards.
Thanksgiving Break arrived and I flew home for the entire week. As soon as I got back to Idaho, Kieron was at my house. I walked in the front door and he screamed, “Let’s get packing Everclear! Grab your gear. Mountain’s open. We’ll be on it for the next five days baby!”
My parents, brother and I all laughed and said, “We like the way you think!”
The snow had arrived and the slopes were open. Home. I was home!
Kieron and I were so happy just being buddies again. Brody was glad too. He didn’t have to feel like a third wheel that week when just the three of us were hanging out on the mountain together and watching movies in his basement together. Kieron’s brother and Jarren are the same age and had been friends their last year of high school, so they skied with us the whole break too. I did miss that so much, but I didn’t miss it enough to want to move back, yet.
That first night after skiing the five of us headed over to the Parkers’ house for Ethan’s big homecoming party. They loved hosting the gatherings so they could keep Ethan home. Seeing him so rarely must have been difficult. I completely understood them wanting him and all of his friends at their house for the few times he visited.
Entering their home, the first people in my line of vision were Hannah and Ethan, so I just gave Ethan a quick “welcome home” hug like he was my brother. He looked at me and opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but before he could speak, I simply said, “It’s great to see you Ethan.” Then, I looked over at Hannah and said, “Hi Hannah.”
I observed that they didn’t look overly happy, but I didn’t recall them ever acting significantly affectionate with other people around. I guess that was nice of them. He loves her the way she is, and their relationship seemed to have been work
ing for them for years.
I fled the area after my casual greeting, and spent the evening sitting in one of the other family rooms with my friends. Because the snow had fallen and it was very cold, there would be no outdoor walks this trip. Around midnight, Jarren and I left. Nothing about that night was significant other than how proud I was that I did not have any hard feelings over seeing Hannah and Ethan.
I wondered if Ethan would call me during break, but I didn’t expect it. He did send me a text saying he was happy to see me and Jarren and that he looked forward to seeing us again at Christmas. I didn’t bother telling him that none of us would be in Ponderosa for Christmas. My brother and parents were coming to Charleston. We were going to get a condo in Myrtle Beach for a couple of weeks and enjoy the weather.
Often in South Carolina, during the winter months, it is still fairly warm. They get cold spells, but they don’t last long. We have family photos of Jarren and me swimming in the ocean in December when we were kids. The locals thought we were crazy, but they had no idea how seriously cold the Idaho water is in July, so their ocean water temperature was nothing to us. I figured if Ethan asked for more details around Christmas time, I’d explain then.
Jarren and I went back to our schools, and we both worked and made it through our finals.Only three weeks passed since Thanksgiving and we were all together in South Carolina for Christmas. When Ethan texted me the dates he was going to be home during December, I told him we were staying in South Carolina. He wished us all happy holidays and said he’d get back in touch with me around Spring Break. That was that.
I was still in love with him, but I was not going to try to stay in touch with him. He knows too much about me so trying to go back to the “we’re just friends” place in our non-existent relationship was too uncomfortable. I had decided that I could be friends with him, just not yet.
I never fathomed that I would be so elated to return to school and move back into my dorm after the holidays. Piper, our friends and I picked up where we left off. We compared our new schedules and figured out when and where we’d be meeting for meals. Classes began.
Just for Now Page 6
