Just for Now

by Victoria Benson

  At dinner that night, I filled him in on my skiing experience and I told him about modeling a little bit. He said he was going to search for me on the internet. I told him he should be able to find plenty of information about my high school days. We laughed and enjoyed our evening and getting to know each other even more.

  That night, when it was time for bed, I felt like we had made a lot of progress together. After I put on my shorts and tank top, I looked at my bed. He acted like he wasn’t paying any attention to me, but I knew he was watching me using his peripheral vision.

  I stepped between our beds and asked shyly, “Clark, can I sleep in your bed with you?”

  He responded softly, “Of course you can,” and he lifted his covers inviting me to his side. I crawled into his bed and scooted up next to him getting as close as I could. Clark put his left arm under my head so I could use it like a pillow. I rolled over onto my side and laid my head onto his chest.

  I didn’t waste any time telling him why I was there. My hand caressed his taut stomach while I said, “I want to talk to you Clark, and I want to be close to you for this.”

  He adjusted. He turned onto his side. Facing me with his head still on his pillow and mine on his arm, he commandingly replied, “Okay. Talk.”

  I was nervous and he knew it. To help me relax, his fingers gently stroked long strands of my hair. I carefully informed him, “I’m not pretending to like you Clark, and I’m not trying to tease you. I know we’ve only been seeing each other for six weeks, but I feel like we’ve been together for years. I want you to know that I don’t want to string you along. My intention will never be to hurt or confuse you in any way with how I feel.”

  “Okay,” he whispered.

  I continued, “I need you to know that,” a deep breath, a long pause, “that I have never… ever… ever been intimate in any way with a guy.”

  “What do you mean by ‘any’ way Evi?”

  “Clark, I’ve never even kissed or been kissed by anyone. I’ve only gone out with one person on more than one date. In high school, no guy ever asked me out more than once, because they all knew a relationship with me would go nowhere. I’ve worked really hard to keep a promise to myself that I would only kiss my husband. People these days get so wrapped up in physical relationships, then they are devastated when they end. My friends cry and cry when a guy breaks up with them. People get so serious. I’ve never wanted that.”

  I buried my face in embarrassment. What was he going to say? Whatever it was, I really didn’t want to hear it.

  “Well, that explains a lot Evi. It makes sense to me. I couldn’t quite figure out why you seemed to always be avoiding me. At least now I know. I would also like to know though, how on earth are you ever going to know who your future husband is if you are not willing to at least kiss the person you’re dating?”

  He was right. He made a good point. I tried to answer without having to look at him, but he pulled my chin so my eyes would have to meet his. Our lips were so close and our noses actually touched.

  I answered, “I don’t know. I’m hoping I’ll just know, and lately, I’ve been thinking you could be the one for me. But Clark, we’re only nineteen, and we have three and half more years of school. That’s why I always pull back from you.”

  “You’re right, I could be the one. When I tell you I want to make you happy, I mean that forever. I cannot even imagine loving anyone else the way I love you. I want you to know that I had a serious girlfriend in high school. We broke up last summer before I left for school. We dated for two years. I loved her, but now I see that how I felt about her was nothing compared to how I feel about you. I regretted breaking up with her for a long time, but my relationship with you, after just six weeks, heck after the first few minutes, has been more real than two years with her.”

  I let his words sink in for a short while, then still resting on his chest I asked, “Did you sleep with her?”

  “No Evi. She’s a year younger than me and neither of us were ready for that.”

  I didn’t know why I asked him that. His answer really didn’t make a bit of difference to me. I was just curious. I smiled and said, “Oh. That was wise, and mature of you two.”

  He puffed a small laugh with me.

  I was feeling so relieved that I had told him how I feel. I think he was relieved too. He breathed in a deep breath, then exhaled.

  “Can we go to sleep now?” I asked.

  “Sure babe. I was thinking the same thing. I won’t get much sleep once I go back to school tomorrow night. Besides, if I don’t go to sleep, I may not be able to control myself. You have some decisions to make, soon, Evi.” We both giggled a little, but I knew he was right, and he meant what he said.

  I rolled over onto my other side. Clark cradled around me keeping his left arm under my head. He wrapped me tightly with his right arm and again I held onto him with both of my hands. We slept peacefully in that position all night.

  Since we slept wrapped up in each other, we woke at the same time. He kissed me on the side of my head just above my ear and whispered, “Time to wake up babe.” Then he kissed me again, this time on my neck. As I opened my eyes, I felt his hand caressing me gently from my waist down past my hip, to my thigh and back up again and again. Every few seconds he would press his entire body against mine. I was so comfortable with him. I knew he was showing me I could trust him. I squeezed his arm, and while kissing it I leaned back into him letting him know I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted him so badly.

  “Evi,” he said in a clear voice, “decide now.”

  I held my breath, tears came and my body naturally did the exact opposite of what my words said. I turned over so I was facing him. I through my left leg over his hip. I pulled him on top of me and shifted so he was lying right down the middle of my body. I held onto him with all of my strength. We rubbed our bodies against one another. Then, I pressed my face into his neck and I cried, “I can’t Clark. I just can’t. I do want you so badly, but I can’t yet! I’m so sorry!”

  I became painfully aware of what I was doing to him. He was truly so perfect though. Still on top of me, with his hands clasping my shoulders from under my back, Clark whispered over and over in my ear, “It’s okay babe. You’re not ready. I’m fine. I love you.”

  Giving me time to calm down, Clark slid his body down and rested his head on my chest below my chin. We stayed there until we both could breathe normally and regain our composure. Before he released me, he said in such a mature way, “Evi, I don’t want you to worry or feel embarrassed. This is just part of our relationship. Okay?”

  I mumbled, “Mm, hm.”

  After having such an emotional start to our day, we actually went ahead and got up early that morning so we could spend as much time together as possible. We remained in each other’s arms in his bed until we needed to eat again.

  By the time we got up, our relationship was back to normal, and we were chatting casually while we packed. We walked to breakfast with his arm around my shoulders and mine around his waist. Returning to our lives was a dreadful feeling. A few short hours were all we had left until he once again belonged to something else. Clark would be leaving me for his other commitment.

  Anticipating the next few weeks brought uncertainty because we weren’t going to be able to see much of each other. Our Spring Breaks were coming up and they were different weeks. Mine was the week before his. I had already told him I was going home. Plans had been made and a ticket purchased back in December for me to go to Idaho for the week. Clark was going home to Atlanta for his Spring Break, basically the same plans had been prearranged by his parents months prior as well. I pushed the thought of the next few weeks out of my mind and savored every single moment remaining of our weekend together.

  Chapter 11

  Guess what? That next big moment in my life, the one I keep mentioning, well it still hasn’t happened yet. It’s coming up. I promise.

  After breakfast, when we got back to the room, C
lark put on his uniform. I could still hug him because we weren’t out in public, so I did. “You’re going to have a great week,” I told him. “You look amazing. Don’t go finding any sexy cadet girls okay?”

  He laughed out loud. “Not a chance! Not a chance. I’m following you on this road Evi. I can’t wait to see where we end up. I’m not the least bit curious about any other girl in the world! You are it for me, the only one.”

  I couldn’t believe he just used those words. I smiled at him without telling him how important those three words were to me.

  Clark drove me back to my dorm. Once he was parked on the curb, he jumped out of the car to get my bag and open my door for me. He held out his hand to help me out of the car. I stood in front of him and he hugged me. Almost in a whisper he said, “I’ll call you soon, really soon. You know how I feel. I’m not going anywhere Evi.”

  Before releasing me, without giving me a choice, he placed his hand on my mid-back, pulled me towards him, and he kissed me very softly on my bottom lip. I didn’t respond at first. I just looked at him and smiled. Then, though insecure, I whispered, “Once more?”

  Clark pressed his forehead to mine, closed his eyes, and nodded. He dropped my bag and put his other hand on the back of my head. Gently his lips touched mine and moved slowly from side to side. I was being hypnotized by him. He wanted it to be perfect. He pressed. It felt so good to finally connect with him. Clark took complete ownership of my heart in that moment. Without moving away from me, he whispered again, “I’ll call you soon.”

  I wanted more.

  Piper was in our room watching TV when I got home. “Have a good weekend Everclear?” she said it in a seductive voice. She still assumed my relationships were like everyone else’s.

  “It was great Piper. I wouldn’t change a thing.” I proceeded to tell her a brief and vague version of the things we did like swimming, and sitting on the balcony, or eating really good food. I offered no other details.

  Then she asked, “Did you sleep in two beds?”

  Just as I was about to answer her, my phone buzzed. Fully expecting it to be Clark, I grabbed it without even seeing who was calling and cheerfully sang, “Helloooooo!”

  “You certainly sound happy and energized.”

  “Ethan!?” I sort of screamed in shock.

  “Yes. Were you expecting someone else?”

  Oh my God! Yes, oh my God, was all I could think. Not in a disrespectful, sacrilegious way, but in a true, heartfelt, “Lord please help me” way.

  “Um, no. I’m just surprised, no, shocked, that you’re calling me.”

  Piper was off to the side of me mouthing, “Who the heck is Ethan?!” I was waving her off and pacing frantically. I had one hand on my forehead and the other was holding the phone. Trying to be calm, I forced myself to stop pacing. I sat on my bed and told myself to settle down. Within the span of three seconds, I was up pacing again.

  This means nothing. This means nothing. He always calls when he’s on his way home.

  I tried to sound casual, “So how have you been? What’s up Ethan?”

  “I’ve been great. I’m calling to let you know that I’ll be home next week. Will you be there?”

  Like I suspected. I replied, “No. I’ll be home for Spring Break, but not until the next week. Jarren will be in Ponderosa when you are there though. Make sure you call him too.”

  “I always do. So when will you be coming home? Maybe our paths will cross by a day or two.”

  “I’ll be there late Friday night.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you early Saturday. I don’t leave until late Saturday night.”

  “That sounds great. Are your parents having a party?” I was asking because I wanted to know if his get together meant all of us as usual, including Hannah.

  “I’m not sure yet. I’ll let you know more when I see you in a couple of weeks.”

  “Okay. I’ll talk to you soon. Thanks for calling Ethan.”

  And just like that, I was second guessing everything again! How did he do that to me? Or more important, why did I let him do that to me?

  The proverbial cat was out of the bag. I had to fill Piper in on who Ethan was. I still tried to avoid telling her much about him. I didn’t know why I needed to keep how I felt about him a secret. Perhaps it was because I was afraid people would think I was crazy for wanting someone I couldn’t have for so long. The most significant part of the truth that I shared was admitting that I had a difficult time dating anyone because I was that girl who had been hung up on someone she couldn’t have for almost four years.

  “Does Clark know about Ethan?!” she asked.

  “No! I haven’t told him because there’s really nothing to tell.”

  “Nothing to tell? You are in love with some guy from home who breaks your heart year after year and you don’t feel that is information worth knowing for Clark?” Piper was lovingly lecturing me. Her tone was sort of like she felt sorry for me and for Clark.

  “I don’t know how to explain this Piper. Besides, there’s really nothing to explain. I’ve never even been on a real date with Ethan. He has a girlfriend. The way I feel about him makes no sense to anyone other than me. I don’t think it even makes sense to Ethan.”

  “Ethan knows how you feel about him? Are you kidding? And he still never asked you out?”

  “Well,” I stalled. “He knows how I felt about him, yes. It is really a long story that has no point. Please try to understand that I just don’t understand it myself. There’s just always been a part of me, a big part of me that is drawn to Ethan. Until I met Clark, I couldn’t seem to let him go! Now, I’m confused all over again. I’m still trying to figure out if Ethan is just a high school crush.” I spoke sounding frustrated and confused. In my mind I reasoned, I still feel like Ethan’s my one.

  I thought we had dropped the whole conversation, but almost as if she knew, she asked, “That picture right there of you in high school,” She pointed to a picture of me in my cheer uniform at a basketball game. In the photo I am looking over my shoulder and I appear to be staring off into space. I’m not smiling, I’m just staring. “What are you doing in that picture?”

  I answered, “My mom took that picture and printed it for me. She put it in my things to bring to school with me.”

  “Why would she take a picture of you not smiling, just looking off into the distance, then print it for you to bring to school?”

  “It’s a picture she took of me staring at Ethan. She, my dad and my brother all know that I’ve been in love with him since I was fifteen. She thought it was cute and a good reminder to me to… well… a reminder for me to stick to my values. There is someone out there for me, so I shouldn’t go wild looking for, nor waiting for that person. God will send the right guy for me when that guy is ready for me and when I am ready for him. This picture tells me to be strong in my faith and wait for God’s timing. He’s never going to let me down.”

  “Well, I sure can’t nor will I ever try to argue with that Evi. Good luck.” She laughed a little but in a sweet, she accepts me way. I was relieved when the conversation was finally over.

  Piper was on Clark’s side all along. She never pressed me about Ethan, nor did she linger on Clark discussions for very long. She wanted me to make a decision for myself.

  Two more weeks passed. Clark and I had only had a chance to spend time together during one weekend. The time with him was different now because I could only think of whether or not I was being fair to him. I was sure he sensed my distance and I was sure he wanted an explanation as to why. I tried to feel as close to him as I did when we were at the beach together, but admitting my history to Piper changed my path, it changed me. It had weakened me.

  In an attempt to comfort Clark, I asked him to drive me to the airport when it was time for me to leave for Idaho. He gladly obliged.

  Parked on the curb, before I got out of his car, I asked him, “Will you come see me before you leave for Atlanta next weekend?”

&nbs
p; “Absolutely Evi. There’s no way I plan on leaving without spending at least a few minutes with you.”

  “See you next weekend,” I softly said to him.

  “See you next weekend,” he replied.

  We gently pressed our foreheads and noses together. I turned slightly and we kissed each other on the cheek at the same time. I was not ignorant, I sensed his frustration. He looked away, and I got out of the car.

  After closing the door, I tapped on the passenger side window. Clark looked at me, turned the car off and got out. I walked around to him and feeling guilty I said, “Clark, I know how you feel. I promise.”

  “No, I don’t think you do Evi.” I didn’t respond. He continued, “There’s no way we are going to be able to get any closer if you are always intentionally working to keep a distance between us.” I placed my hand on his upper arm and looked down. “Evi, your beliefs just don’t make any sense to me.”

  I finally had something to say, “Clark, we have three years before we can make any decisions about our relationship. I have to keep my distance because you have no idea how frustrating it is to feel the way I feel about you.”

  He abruptly stopped me and in a deep and raised voice he said, “Evi! Don’t even talk to me about frustrations! I know I’m winning the restraint competition between us by a landslide!”

  I loved that he made me laugh so hard. I clearly understood his innuendo. He laughed with me and kissed me on my forehead.

  “I have to go Clark. I just couldn’t let you leave without seeing your smile.” I placed his hand over my heart.

  “Go Evi, but think about us this week. No ultimatums. I’m just asking you to think about us. Call me, okay?”

  “Clark,”

  He acknowledged me by tilting his head and nodding his chin.

  “I do love you.”

  “I’m glad to hear that babe,” he replied as he touched my cheek with the backs of his fingers.

  And, as if it was the most natural motion in the world, I stood up on my tiptoes to kiss him. He wasn’t going to miss the opportunity so simultaneously he pulled me into him. It was quick, but it satisfied us both, for the time.