Over the next few weeks, Layla stayed with me, only leaving when Dale could be there, neither trusting to leave me alone. They helped me move as planned. They took me to the funeral, though I didn't say much.
I moved about as if someone had hijacked my body. A few times, I showed some life, but it was short-lived. Once in the middle of the night, about six weeks after the news, Layla found me in the master closet, unpacking Colin's clothes. Dale and Layla had chosen not to do anything with Colin's clothes until I was better. But I couldn’t handle it.
“What are you doing, girl?” She was yawning and trying to wipe the sleep from her eyes.
“What's it look like? I'm hanging up Colin's clothes. He'll be home soon. Why are you still here? You should’ve gone home before you fell asleep, silly.”
Layla stared at me for a few moments, her face contorting as she debated her response. “Come on, sweetie. I'll help you in the morning. Right now it's the middle of the night. You need sleep.” Coaxing me back to bed, Layla stayed until I was asleep.
Chapter 19
February, bled into March and then April, all passing in a blur. I was barely aware of time.
April 15th, Tax Day. It began like any other day for the last several months. I shuffled around the apartment, walked past my Alexa, and stopped for a moment. I opened my mouth to request something. Then I closed it again and kept walking. I walked to the baby's room. Dale had set up the crib the other day, but that was it. No theme or design had been decided upon. I didn't even know if I was having a boy or a girl. I was supposed to find out when Colin got home, but I had canceled the appointment.
I shuffled to my room and sat on the bed. It looked like a tornado had whipped through the blankets. I used to make my bed daily, but it had been months. Honestly, it had been months since I had done anything.
Dale and Layla had done what they could to keep food in the apartment and simple house tasks done but there were still boxes everywhere waiting to be unpacked. I used to be on top of all this, not OCD, but orderly. Now I didn't notice the chaos around me. The days I worked, I got myself showered and dressed and went through my shift on autopilot. When I didn't work, I shuffled aimlessly from room to room throughout the day.
Today was no different until a sharp pain made me blink a few times as if trying to focus.
I drew in a sharp breath and held it until the pain subsided. I sat for a few minutes more before getting up and shuffling back to the kitchen. Another wave of pain shot through my body, forcing me to stop and lean against the wall. Once the pain let up, I headed to the kitchen to get some water and then to sit down. Before I got to the couch, another stabbing sensation ripped through me, causing me to call out when I could finally make a sound.
I called Layla. “I think something is wrong,” I said as soon as Layla picked up.
“I'll be right there.”
Click.
A few more throbs came and went before Layla let herself in.
“Tell me what's going on,” she said as she walked in.
I told her, and as I was telling her, she began walking around the apartment like she was looking for something.
“What are you doing?” I was confused as I watched her flit around the apartment, like a bee going from flower to flower.
“I'm looking for your go bag.”
“My what?”
“Your hospital bag. I'm pretty sure you're in labor.”
“I don't have one.” Layla stopped in her tracks.
“What do you mean you don't have one?”
“I don't have anything packed.”
“Why?” Her voice was quickly turning into that matronly voice adults get when a kid does something not necessarily wrong, but not smart.
“I don't know. Figured I’d throw some stuff together when I needed to.” I shrugged my shoulders and sucked in a deep breath as another sharp pain came.
“Oh. Kay. What do you want to pack? Just tell me and I'll get it.” I told her the usual items: toiletries, extra clothes, a pillow.
“Where's the baby’s coming home outfit, blanket, car seat, diaper bag?”
“I don't have it.” I looked at her ready to burst into tears.
“What, you don’t have an outfit? Oh, no worries.” She waved me off.
“No, I don't have any of it”. By this point, the tears began to stream down.
Oh my gosh. I'm an awful mom. Before the baby's born. I have nothing. The crib is set up. That's it? The tears fell harder.
Layla could see my thoughts across my face and ran to me and took my hands.
“No, you are not horrible. Listen to me.” She pulled my hands to force my body to face her and looked me in the eyes. “You are not bad. You've had a very rough few months. You've been in pure survival mode and that is okay. Don't worry about that. We'll help you. You'll figure it out. Hey, it's okay.” She hugged me, shushing me and my tears as I silently balled. Another stabbing pain broke the moment.
“Okay. We have the basics and that's fine. Once you can stand, we'll head out.” She squeezed my hand.
By the time I got settled in my labor and delivery room, Dale had showed up, but it wasn't until I saw Isaac that I really cried. I mean, ugly cried. It had been the first time I had seen him since he got back. I had missed a welcome home ceremony.
“How am I supposed to do this?” I asked through ugly sobs and contractions.
“Like every other woman on the planet has done since the dawn of time.” Layla wiped my face.
“No. How am I going to raise this child? I can't do this on my own. This baby is never going to know who their father is or was. I can't do this.”
In stereo, Dale and Isaac answered. “Yes, they will know who Colin was. We all will make sure of it.”
“You can do this, Joleene, and you are not alone. We are all here.” Layla had never called me Joleene. Not in all the years we'd known each other.
“You’ve never called me that.”
“What, Jo? I've always called you Jo.”
“No, you said Joleene. In fact, no one ever called me Joleene except Colin.”
But before any of us could think about her slip of the tongue, another contraction hit, causing me to yell out as my doctor came in.
“Well, now, looks like we have a full house. Who do we have here?”
“Hello sir.” Isaac piped up before I could even form a thought. “The father was my best friend and I wanted to be here for Jo. She's family. And this here,” he continued, pointing to Dale, “is her brother.”
“Oh, that's nice of you two to stop by.” Then, turning his focus on me, he asked, “How are you feeling, Jo?”
Trying to take a deep breath was no easy feat. “I'm okay. I guess.” I was struggling to adjust to a more comfortable position.
“Well, let's check how you're doing.” As the doctor went to check on my progress, Isaac and Dale averted their eyes.
“We’ll be right outside if you need us, Jo.” They both about tripped over each other trying to get out of the room while looking at the ceiling. It was quite comical to watch.
After checking me, the doctor said, “Wow. You're about seven centimeters. I'd say within the next few hours, you will meet your little one. Let's get a hold of anesthesiology for an epidural stat and make sure we are fully prepped,” he called to the nurses. “Don't worry, Jo. We'll see if we can't help you be a little bit more comfortable.”
“Okay”—my response was cut off by another contraction.
A little while later the anesthesiologist showed up, but before he could administer my epidural, my water broke and the nurses began checking to make sure everything was fine.
“Get the doctor! This baby is coming. Now!” Evidently I had progressed faster than anyone anticipated, myself included.
Ten minutes later, Layla was cutting the cord and the nurse was placing my newborn on my chest. Tears flowed like a waterfall.
As I held this precious baby in my arms, all I could think of was how
amazing this child already was. Just as the nurse was asking for his name, he opened his eyes. My breath caught; staring back at me was Colin.
“What?”
“What is his name?”
“His name? I have a son?” I stared at this precious little baby who had his father's eyes just moments after being born. “CJ, Colin Anthony Dawson Jr., after his father.”
I spent the next few days recovering from the fast and furious arrival of CJ. It felt surreal. I held him most of the time and every time he opened his eyes, my breath would catch. No one would ever doubt who his daddy was. He looked just like Colin.
When I wasn't holding CJ, I was staring at him. Layla stayed the first night to make sure I was all right. Dale and Isaac stopped by with balloons and a giant teddy bear wearing a beret. Isaac made sure the insignia was correct. Britt, Stacey, and Keisha stopped by too. Evidently Isaac made sure to get the word out to the company about CJ's birth.
There weren't many visitors per se, but between them and nurses and doctors, I hadn't been alone more than a few minutes at a time. I hadn’t a chance to even begin to process, let alone accept, that I was a parent. A single parent.
“Well, little guy, it’s just you and me, I guess.” It was during one of the brief times I was alone and holding him. “I have no idea what I'm doing. I'll be honest. And I'm not sure what's going to happen tomorrow when they discharge me because I don't have a car seat for you yet.” The tears began to well up. “I'm so sorry, CJ. I'm already messing up. I should have had everything ready for you. But I don't.”
My head dropped forward as the tears flowed freely. I don't know for how long I sat like that, silently crying before I heard Layla's voice.
“Oh, girl. What's wrong? CJ okay? Do I need to get the nurse?” Panic was rising in her voice.
“No, he's fine. He's asleep. I'm just apologizing for already messing up and telling him I wasn't sure what would happen tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Yeah, when they discharge me. They told me I would be leaving tomorrow, but because I don't have a car seat, CJ won't be allowed to leave.” Fresh tears flowed as I finally looked up from staring at him and saw Layla holding this car seat fully decked out, complete with a few toys hanging on the handle, a shark and an octopus, with a green camo canopy.
“Where did you get that?” I choked out the words between sobs.
“I didn't. Isaac brought it over. The company chipped in and bought this and a stroller.”
“What, why?” I blinked trying to clear my vision.
“They said it was because Colin provided cover fire that so many were able to seek cover. He saved their lives, Jo, and they wanted to thank you.” Layla’s voice cracked as she sat down on the couch.
“I had no idea. I never heard what happened.”
“Sweetie. They told you. I was there. And it was mentioned at the funeral too. You just never heard what they said.” She took a steadying breath. “But hell, I don't think I would have either. You did what you had to to survive and that's okay. But now you have CJ. You can't lock yourself up, so to speak.” Getting up and coming over to the bed, she laid a hand gently on his lumbering head.
“He needs you.”
Chapter 20
The next day was a bit hectic. Paperwork, newborn pictures, fitting CJ in his new car seat and packing everything up. But finally, we were all buckled up in Layla's car and heading home.
“Hey, can you stay a bit to help me at least move the crib and some boxes?” I asked Layla. “I know you prolly want to get home and rest. So, I get it if you want to head out.”
“I can stay for a bit and you don't need to get it all set up today. Remember, you've just had a baby three days ago. You're still recovering. We'll move a few boxes out of the way out of any walk path and leave the crib where it's at. Okay?”
I started to shake my head and tell her no, but she silenced me.
“Yes. Trust me. You need to rest too. Don't argue with me.” She stared at me through the rearview mirror as I sat next to CJ in the backseat.
Once we got to my complex, I realized Layla had been right. I was sore as I tried to maneuver CJ out of the car without waking him and I was suddenly tired.
“Okay. We'll just move the boxes from CJ's room. All of a sudden I'm wiped.” I stifled a yawn.
“No worries. You get in and I'll move the boxes out of the way. Then you go rest.” Layla opened the door and let me go first.
The first thing I noticed was the fresh clean smell. Then I realized my apartment had been fully cleaned and the boxes in the main areas had been unpacked and the contents taken care of. Pictures had been hung. It looked like a home and not an apartment someone was staying in. I slowly walked around while holding CJ. I was speechless.
“Wha…who? When?” My words stuck as I saw my wedding picture. I glanced away and headed towards the bedrooms. No more boxes lined the walls. There was even a vase on the dining table with flowers. Everywhere I turned, something caught my eye.
“We decided a clean slate was in order. Isaac and a few guys came in and cleaned everything top to bottom. I'll tell you, these guys should start a company because damn! Me and a few ladies set to work, taking care of the main areas.” She followed me to the bedrooms. First, I went to my room. My bed was made and the floor was cleared. There were a few boxes in the corner, but I knew why they were still there. Layla didn't even mention them.
“Wow!” was all I could say. My bed looked so inviting. “Let's get CJ to bed. It's been too much for me. I think a nap is needed.” I yawned.
“Sure. I'll go move the boxes.”
As she headed off to CJ's room at the end of the hall, I looked once more around the room, spying the boxes. A task for another day. And I left the room.
“Layla, I'm coming,” I called as loud as I dared with CJ still asleep in my arms. I stopped short just inside his room. Instead of finding a white crib set up in the middle of the room with a few boxes scattered around, I walked into a fully set up and decorated nursery. A rocking chair sat by the window with a little table next to it. There was a bookshelf opposite the window with some knickknacks and books set up. The bear from Dale and Isaac was sitting in a little nook with a few other stuffed animals. The crib had been moved to the wall parallel to the window with a new matching changing table and dresser next to it. There were pictures up and the letters CJ in green camo on the wall where the door was. A little table and chair set was set on the other wall. It was better than I could have ever hoped for.
“Layla…”
She came over, gently took CJ and placed him in his crib.
“I told you we wanted a fresh start for you where you could focus on CJ and you.”
“But this had to take forever. And I was only gone three days. How did you manage this?”
“Well, it didn't take forever, but it did take an army. Isaac got the guys together, like I said, and I got some of the ladies together and we managed to give you the baby shower you didn't want.” She winked at me. “We love you, Jo. And we are here for you.”
She squeezed me. “Now let's get you to bed. So you have a chance to rest before CJ wakes.” She led me back to my room.
Chapter 21
The next several weeks were spent in a blur for me and CJ as I tried to figure out the whole mother-son thing. Sleep was as precious as gold. Between feedings and diaper changes and the endless loads of laundry and walks to settle CJ, I tried to rest when I could, but also tried to maintain the apartment.
I had moved the boxes in the corner of my room to my closet, which looked like someone had torn through in a moment of pure panic or mania. Boxes half-filled, clothes strewn here and there. All in all, it was a helter skelter mess.
“Tomorrow,” I would say and turn out the light. But tomorrow brought a look of unease and tomorrow was whispered again and again.
*********
One Saturday in June, Layla stopped by and announced she was kidnapping her nephew for
the day. I just looked at her.
“Seriously. I'm taking CJ out for an auntie and CJ day. Let's get him packed. And before you say anything, no, you can't come.” She stuck her tongue out at me when I put my hands on my hips.
Dropping my hands, I said, “Fine, I was just going to go check on him and see if he was up from his morning nap.” I walked off.
“Perfect!” The excitement eked out of her voice.
She got CJ changed while I packed his diaper bag. He giggled at something Layla did. She loved him and he adored his auntie. If truth be told, I was grateful.
“So what am I supposed to do while y'all are partying and painting the town?”
“Whatever you want. Take a bubble bath, relax, veg out. Whatever. Turn on your eighties music and rock out.”
My 80s music. It had been months since I listened to anything. Not since that day. In fact, I hadn't played anything on my Alexa since. It sat there in my room waiting to answer my request.
“His bag ready?” Layla called out, disturbing my thoughts.
“Yep. Here you go. You sure about this? I can be ready in 10.” I kissed CJ's head.
“I'm sure. No mama allowed.”
With that, they headed out the door for the afternoon adventure leaving me alone.
“Alexa, play soft ballads from the 80s,” I stated as I sat on the floor in the middle of my master closet. I was surrounded by the daunting task of spring cleaning. I hated spring cleaning. It never seemed to end. I always have way more crap to get rid of than I expect. Talk about anxiety, I have to psyche myself up for like a week before I even get started. You would think by now, I wouldn’t have an issue, but I do.
Alexa began playing Guns ‘n Roses as I continued to sit and stare blankly at the junk piled up. Pulling my knees up and resting my head on them I just listened as Axl Rose belted out the words to “Sweet Child O’ Mine”.
Taking a deep breath, I hear the words, “Sweet child,
Sweet child of mine,” finishing the song.
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