“Well, this crap won’t clear itself out. Might as well as get to it.”
I stood up and started with the top shelf. I pulled down an old shoe box full to the brim of pictures and trinkets. The lid was just sitting on top, not even properly on because it was so full. Just as I was lifting the top, Bon Jovi comes on with “Sitting here wasted and wounded at this old piano…” and I see a picture of me laughing and instantly I am transported back to The Screaming Eagle bar. The memories from the moment I first saw him to the last played like a movie reel through my mind. It was time to accept that he was really gone. The tears I hadn't really allowed myself to cry finally came out like a typhoon. Not like the numbness from before. Not even like the tough exterior I had been putting up for CJ.
Now, alone, I just let myself truly grieve. The tears guided me through both grief and healing as the song played.
As Jon Bon Jovi's voice faded, I wiped my eyes and breathed. Colin would have wanted me to move on. To find happiness again. Not just for CJ. But for myself.
As Def Leppard broke through with "Pour Some Sugar on Me", I placed the pictures back in the box, stood and placed the box on the upper shelf. I began going through the clothes strewn everywhere and half hung up. I packed up Colin’s clothes and neatly closed the box. I labeled it. I wasn't ready to get rid of it yet, but it was time to put it up. Slowly I got to where I could see my floor. Then I could actually hang up clothes without teetering over a pile of stuff. Finally, I came to the three boxes.
These had been left alone by everyone who helped set up the apartment when CJ was born. These were the boxes of Colin's personal effects from the sandbox. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
Oh, Colin. I wish you were here. CJ is growing up so fast. I see more and more of you in him. The other day I swear he gave me the same crooked smile that always made me smile. How do I do this without you? Layla, Dale, and Isaac are great, but they aren't you. I'd give anything to feel your arms around me again, or your fingers intertwined with mine or here you call me Joleene.
I took another breath, opened my eyes and opened the first box. Some of his uniforms—oh, they stunk. His extra boots, worse than the uniforms, and a few other items. I packed them all back up and resealed the box as fast as possible. I'd see if Isaac knew what I could do with them.
The second box was just miscellaneous items. Like some of his personal gear, a flashlight, earbuds, a couple of pocket knives with his duffle wadded up at the bottom. I tossed the ear buds and set aside the bag for a CJ for when he was older. The rest I put on top of the stinky box for Isaac.
The last box took me by surprise upon opening. There was a sealed envelope… the one Dale had handed Colin at our wedding reception. I gasped as I opened it to find a few hundred dollar bills. ‘Oh, Dale…’ How could I ever thank or repay him? I knew what he’d say… it was a gift. It was exactly what I needed to get back on my feet.
Then, I saw his journal. I slowly picked it up as if it was a fragile vase. Holding it in one hand, my other spread over the front cover. I had forgotten about it. I walked back into the bedroom, intent on putting it in my nightstand when something fell out. I picked it up. It was one of the letters I had sent him. I opened the journal to replace the letter and was greeted by other letters and a few pictures of us and a picture of me showing off my baby bump. I smiled. I turned to the first page and read,
Oh, it is great to be writing again. Joleene bought me this beautiful journal and I love it. I smiled thinking about how she knew it was silly. She'll never know how grateful I am. She found this for me...
I turned a few pages and found more writings and I flipped to somewhere near the middle. The date made my breath catch. September 10th. The day I told him I was pregnant. I dropped to the bed as I began to read.
I find myself in awe. Joleene just told me she's pregnant. She thought I would be mad. I feel the total opposite, but I upset her when I didn't respond right away. But how was I supposed to respond? We never discussed starting a family, but WOW! I'm going to be a father. Joleene is going to be an amazing mother. She really is. How amazing is it going to be! I'll miss a few things, but I'll be there for the birth.
I am going to be a dad!
Tears welled up as I read those last words, which he had written in all caps. He was excited. How could I have ever thought he wouldn't be? I flipped the page to where the bookmark was, it had been his last entry. Because mail had stopped, it was a letter to me:
Joleene,
Only a few more weeks and I'll be back stateside and in your arms. I can hardly wait. I can't wait to see your beautiful smile and to make you blush. Though I have loved the pictures, it's just not the same. I can't hold a picture like I can hold you. I hope you don't mind, but when I next hold you, I am not letting go.
I am excited to see if we're having a boy or a girl. If we're having a girl, I know she'll be just as beautiful as her mama. If it's a boy, I can only hope he's as ruggedly handsome as I am not.
I know you're worried about being a mother, but I know you're going to be amazing. Our child and hopefully their siblings are going to be so blessed to have such a great mom. You've asked how you’re supposed to be a good mom a few times. Babe, you already are. Look at you. You have been independent for years, taking care of all those around you. You married me and stuck with me when most women bail during separations like this. When you found out you were pregnant, you made sure I was okay with it. You've dealt with this pregnancy almost entirely on your own. I don't know another who could have had your experiences and still be as beautiful and kind-hearted as you are Joleene.
You are a wonderful mom already. You just need to see it and believe it yourself.
Sorry, I kind of rambled a bit. Note to self, don't try to write a heartfelt letter when you've been up for over 24 hours. Anyways. I love you Joleene and miss you. Can't wait to hold you again.
See ya,
Colin.
I don't even remember voicing any concerns about being a mom. It's like you heard my thoughts the last several months, Colin. I, taking a few steadying breaths, I have felt so inadequate to be both mother and father to CJ. I have missed you so much, but I know you wouldn't want me to isolate myself and keep myself locked in my own mind. You would want me to live, to have adventures, to show CJ the world. You would want me to love again. You will always be here, Colin, but I have to stop looking to the past and focus on the here and now to look forward with excitement to the future. I will always love you Colin and I will do everything I can to teach CJ all about who you were, but he and I need to live too. I love you, Colin. Goodbye.
I closed the journal and placed it in the open drawer of my nightstand. I finished combing through the third box, packed it up and put it next to the shoe box on the shelf.
Cindi Lauper’s “Time After Time” was just finishing and Huey Lewis came on with the “Power of Love”. I smiled. And for the first time in what seemed like forever, I believed everything was going to be alright. I was going to be alright.
The End
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Casie L. Williams lives in Houston, Texas with her Army veteran husband of 18 years with their three daughters. She teaches middle school Language Arts. Writing and reading have always been an outlet for her as she loves getting lost in new worlds and getting to know new ‘people’.
THANK YOU
I cannot thank you enough for reading Serendipity! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
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