Volunteering Your Heart

by Lo'Ren A Mayler

  She didn’t respond to just any old fire either. There had to be a hazardous component to them. A danger to the public. It has to end. I can’t keep setting fires. Soon every building in town will be ashes and they would still be together.

  I have to play to their weaknesses. Keep Jak awake, make her too exhausted to function. That’s it! I will only set fires when they are together. By keeping them apart, Samantha will become dissatisfied with their waning dalliance. Soon she will see, Jak will always leave her.

  “Get in here. I need help getting up.”

  His grandmother was a never-ending thorn in his side. At least she didn’t use that childish name to call him. Stealing more of his time each day. Her decrepit body was giving way in her old age. When would he be free of that wretched old hag?

  “Did you hear me? Get in here! I can’t get up.”

  It was more than a trick hip. Her breathing now required the use of an oxygen bottle. The smokers cough making her piddle in her clothes. If he didn’t get to her soon, he would be the one to pay. Dreading the need to shampoo the couch, wash her clothes and bath his grandmother. He had been caring for the unbalanced woman since his mother passed. Not remembering a time when she could care for herself. This would be her third and final bout with cancer.

  She will not hold me up today. Not when I’m so close.

  ***

  Jak was running ragged. She had worked all night, responded to fire calls all day and every time she was alone with Sam there was a structure fire. As much as she hated leaving, she had a responsibility to protect her town, the public and her Brothers. She didn’t know how much more she could take. How much longer she could go on like this, running on empty. Maybe I need to skip some of the alarms during the day. A couple fires when I’m with Sam. Lord knows I need some alone time with her.

  Making the decision to sleep at the firehouse had seemed easy, at least then she could sleep between calls. A no brainer. The moment her head hit the couch cushion and her eyes closed, the world slipped away.

  Someone was shaking her. Trying to wake her. No! Not yet. Just five more minutes. It felt like she had not slept at all.

  “Jak, come on. Get up.”

  “What?” She still had yet to open her eyes. How could she? They were permanently glued together.

  “Fire alarm. Let’s go!”

  Was there an alarm? She hadn’t heard her pager go off. Of course, she was pretty sure she didn’t have legs anymore either. Her hand lifted to shoo them away, “No. Can’t. Too tired.”

  “You have to. There is only three of us.”

  She rolled off the couch and headed towards the racks. Her shoulders sagged from exhaustion. Were there bricks pilled on her back? Why aren’t these guys showing up? Oh yea, they are sleeping! Lucky bastards.

  If there had just been one more person to show up, she could go back to sleep. Actually, she would have never been woken up in the first place. Instead she was fighting the fog. Taking longer than usual to get her bunker gear on. She could barely lift herself into the truck. Clearly sleeping at the firehouse was a stupendous idea.

  Suppressing the fiftieth yawn of the day. Sam couldn’t focus on any of the conversations going on around her. She was sitting with Maggie and Brittany, as always. Eric had called out sick. Seems his father’s garage had burned down last night. Britney had heard that it was believed it to be an arson.

  Well she had known about the fire when Jak had left her, again. She just didn’t know that it was her coworker’s family business.

  “Sam, why are you so tired lately? Is everything alright at home?”

  Had Brittany caught on to her lack of interest? Or was she simply taking notice of the yawn? So much for shutting down her mind for a little while, resting her over exerted brain.

  “It’s fine. I just haven’t been sleeping much.”

  “Is something wrong?” Maggie asked.

  “No. really, everything is great. I have been too busy to sleep. That’s all.”

  “Is it a guy?” She wanted to laugh.

  “Not exactly.” Telling herself that omitting the identity of Jak was best for everyone.

  “Oh my god,” Brittany squealed. “Tell me everything!”

  “He must be gorgeous to catch your eye,” Maggie mused.

  “Oh yeah, definitely handsome.”

  Inwardly sighing, knowing the barrage of questions had just begun.

  “How long has this been going on?”

  “Do we know him?”

  “Just a couple weeks. I didn’t want to jinx it and make a big deal.”

  “Look, if he has you this tired, he is definitely worth talking about,” Brittany said with a laugh.

  “What does he look like?”

  “Maggie, what a silly question. He has got to be tall, dark and handsome.”

  Maggie stared at Sam, waiting for her to confirm that Brittany was correct in her assumptions.

  “Actually, that is a good description.”

  “How did you meet? Was it romantic?”

  “Actually, I was meeting Wendy for drinks and she stood me up.”

  Brittany touched her hand, “That is awful. So, you were stuck at the bar alone.” Not for long.

  “Yeah right,” Maggie said skeptically, “You must have been bombarded with offers.” Sam wanted to laugh. Again, they weren’t wrong.

  “I was, it was a little overwhelming.”

  “What bar?”

  “Hoops,” She replied figuring, if she answered their questions, this would go a lot quicker. Watching as their faces changed from excited to shock.

  “A sports bar? Why would she want to go there?”

  “I think she is trying to get my help with the cheerleaders.”

  At least they had deviated from talking about Jak.

  “Oh. Are you going to be coaching?” Brittany didn’t look at her like most people did when she had mentioned coaching. Maybe it was because they were talking about cheerleading and not softball.

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Come on, look at her. Do you really think she wants to try to find the time to coach? She is already exhausted.”

  Amazing that everyone always just assumed they knew exactly what she wanted. They were practically making decisions for her right now. She hated being put in a box. Made to feel small. Just as her mother had made her feel. Not now!

  “I’m fine. I am just not interested in coaching.”

  “Stop getting her sidetracked. She doesn’t want to coach. I want to hear more about Mr. Dreamy.” Maggie actually seemed a little irritated at Brittany for changing the topic from boys, “What’s his name? Where does he work? When are you seeing him again?”

  My god. Does she ever take a breath? Why is this so exciting for her?

  “Jak works for Caterpillar. I’m not sure when we will see each other again. Our schedules don’t always mesh. That’s why I’m so tired. Usually if we get time together, it is at odd hours of the day.”

  “Which Cat.? Maybe Josh knows him.”

  Sam, vaguely, remembered Josh was Brittany’s husband.

  “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know anything about Caterpillar, so I didn’t ask.”

  “Oh, that’s okay,” Maggie said disappointed. “Jak,” she whispered as if daydreaming of such a man. “What a strong name to go with such a handsome man.”

  If she only knew.

  Lunch was never ending. Their attention stayed glued to her, taking in her every word. The topic never strayed far from her love life. While she would relish the time to think about Jak all day, she didn’t want to be sharing her innermost thoughts with coworkers.

  No one here knew she was gay. She hadn’t really dated since arriving. It wasn’t that she didn’t want someone in her life. It was more that no one had caught her eye. Not like Jak had.

  Her pain had been so deep. The embarrassment of Greenville had followed her everywhere. It stayed in her heart and mind. She had tried everything to win Nikki over.
Thrown herself at the coach. Offering, on multiple occasions, all of herself. Well, all of what could be seen. Never had she felt that Nikki would want anything else from her. Sam had been rejected time and again.

  Then Nikki overlooked her for Mia. None of it fit in her head. Mia was slightly overweight and outspoken, yelling at Nikki on multiple occasions. She couldn’t see what Nikki did. Couldn’t understand the draw to someone that would publicly berate her. How could she pick her? What was she missing, Sam had reflected in her sleepless hours?

  With Jak, it had all been so easy. Instead of chasing someone she could never have, Sam had waited for Jak to come to her. She had seen Jak the moment she walked into the bar. Even with her back to the door, Sam could feel the pull coming from her direction. Unfortunately, her friend had thought she was looking at him. He was nice enough about it and handled the rejection better than others. She had wondered what had taken Jak so long to come over. It was part of her appeal. Was she waiting for me to make a move? Sam had almost given up on her and walked out. Nothing would make her chase after a woman again. She had learned her lesson.

  When Jak had walked up, she was talking to some creep who thought he was God’s gift to women. Yuk! She didn’t turn around until after he left. Even though Sam knew, with every fiber of her being, that the one she had been waiting for had finally arrived. Stood just a few feet away, waiting for an invite. She was fearful that somehow she was wrong, that some other guy was breathing her air.

  Jak had delayed, not entering her space until she was invited. Sam realized that, at first glance, she had underestimated Jak’s body. She was more toned, well-muscled, than originally anticipated. She now knew that Jak had many scars across her body. Some from childhood, others from firefighting. Her eyes were more caramel colored in the sun, like honey. Though they were almost always near black, dilated in anticipation, when she was near Sam.

  She hadn’t only run away that night because of the police. Jak was right, she could have gone back to the bar but she was afraid of how she felt. Shocked that Jak could affect her so strongly in a matter of minutes. She was frightened of feeling. Of being hurt again. She hadn’t known, still didn’t, if she could let someone close to her. If she would ever trust another being with something as fragile as her heart.

  Brittany waved a hand in front of her face.

  “Sam, are you listening?”

  “Sorry, guess I zoned out a little.” It was a lame excuse but, what else could she say. She was losing herself in thought. Fantasizing about a lover she barely knew. They were right about it all. Well…except one detail.

  “Ohh… I know that look,” Maggie beamed.

  The two exchanged a smile, but finally let Sam be. They were contented, if only for the moment, with the information they had unwillingly extracted from her.

  Sam silently thanked the bell when it rang. Happy for the thought of being just a little closer to going home and further away from her coworker’s interrogation.

  XII

  She knew every feature. Each and every facial expression. How the softness ran together, coupled with a fiery wit. A work of art in its own right.

  And yet, she still knew nothing of the woman that possessed them. What was under the mask? Hidden behind the scenes, waiting to make an appearance. They certainly had chemistry, but what of everything else? She had never craved the detail. Needed to know how a work of art was constructed. Never sought after something as intangible as one’s heart.

  Sam was practiced at altering the direction of their discussions. At making Jak forget that she had asked anything at all. One lift of the chin, a tilt of the cheek, and she was melted across the bedroom floor. Alright, it didn’t take much. She had been ruled by her libido since meeting Sam. They had spent every free moment together, wrapped up in each other’s arms. Even after hours of “quality time,” she still knew zilch.

  “Go on a date with me,” Jaky blurted out before she lost the nerve. She had practiced broaching the subject. How she would sway the conversation to her benefit. In the end, she was a slave to her hormones and dangerously close to losing her grip with reality.

  “A date? What do you call that night at Saddle Up? Better yet, what do you call this?” Sam’s hand slid under the covers and stopped at the top of her mound. Her brow risen, challenging Jak’s resolve.

  “Sex. Extraordinary sex. Yet, it is still only sex. I want more. To watch your hair shine in the sun. To learn every color of your irises. Perhaps find other activities that you enjoy. Not necessarily better than this one, but different.”

  “Are you telling me you’re bored of my body?” Sam threw back the sheet to allow Jak to take her in. Eyes involuntarily followed the horizon, the plains giving way to glorious mountains. How could she ever tire of such a masterpiece?

  No. I am not going to take the bait this time.

  “I love your body, but I still want to date you. I want a girlfriend, not a booty call. To be able to take you out to a restaurant. Enjoy a meal and your company outside of this room. We can always have sex after. Go out with me this weekend.”

  “What if there is a fire call? How do I know you won’t just leave me sitting alone in the restaurant?” Sam countered.

  She couldn’t be blamed for such an accusation. It wouldn’t be the first time she left a woman hanging and, most likely, not the last. Nor was it the first time with Sam. She heard all her brothers’ wives complain about such a thing many times before. There would always be a chance you had to leave them in the middle of dinner. Miss children’s recitals. She remembered one member had run out after saying his vows, never making it to the reception. It was the life of a volunteer. One not every woman was able to handle or willing to put up with.

  The truth was, even if she knew every other firefighter would respond, the flames beckoned her. A Siren’s call, echoing from the dancing flames in the night. Drawing her ever closer towards danger. Joyfully risking her life with every song. If she actually chose to stay, she would be distracted the remainder of the evening anyway. Wanting to listen to the radio for any updates. Bouncing in her seat, begging for any limerick to cross the channel.

  “I’ll turn my pager off.”

  “What if the entire town is burning down?” Sam argued, a little too convincingly.

  “Do you not want to go out with me?” Jak tried to ignore the stabbing pain. The feel of cold steal as it pushed into her back, straight through her heart. She hadn’t foreseen it being this hard to convince someone she had been sleeping with, that she was developing feelings for, to go out with her.

  She got up and went to the window. Looking out over the city seemed easier. Her eyes focused on other people’s lives. Wondering what each light was left on for. She didn’t want to turn back. To have to look into Sam’s eyes and know the answer. See it written on her face, long before the words escaped her ruby lips. She was afraid to know the truth, but she pressed on. Needing an explanation for the rejection. Even if it broke her.

  “Is it really the fire department you have a problem with or is there something you aren’t telling me?” Trying to read the guarded stare reflected in the window. What was running through her mind? All outward appearances suggested she was searching for a way out of this conversation. Any escape from the can of worms Jak insisted on opening.

  For someone that was always thinking, how did she not see this coming?

  “Are you only looking for sex? A warm body in your bed?” All she felt was impending doom. The dagger in her back waiting for the last word, before making the final twist.

  It wouldn’t have to, Jak’s heart was already breaking as the silence between them stretched out.

  “What is wrong with what we have? Why does it have to be public? Why can’t we just leave well enough alone? Just have fun.” Fun.

  It was worse than she feared. Sam was ashamed to be seen with her. Embarrassed…by what? They had been out once before. Why now? How is being rejected fun? Jak turned back to the bed, her anger fueli
ng the conversation onward.

  “You don’t want to be seen with me,” she had made that perfectly clear. “Why? What is it? Lowly factory worker isn’t good enough?” Like high school English teacher was equivalent to the president of the united states. Who was she to look down on me?

  “No.”

  “It’s not…” She didn’t want to ask, to hear the answer. To know that Sam was “that” person. Please say no. Tell me I’m crazy. She would rather be paranoid than right. “Is it because I’m black?

  “No.” Sam protested, her eyes telling Jak she was speaking the truth.

  In this moment, she couldn’t believe anything that passed from the enchanted lips. Couldn’t find a shred of hope to save her from the ache in her chest, where her heart had once been.

  “What aren’t you telling me? What changed? I thought we moved past that night at Saddle Up. That we could have more than a few hours spent in bed.”

  She was ready to scream. To throw something. She didn’t know what to do, but anything beat standing here like a statue. Why won’t she just talk to me?

  “Jak. I don’t care where you work or what color you are. That has never mattered to me.”

  “Then what is it? What does matter?” She had just wanted to know more about her lover. Now, she would lose everything.

  Sam’s mouth hung open for a fraction of a second. The walls closing in around them. Turning the once luxurious boudoir, into a shoebox. Or was it hollow? The large space acting as a void. Sucking all life, love, from its inhabitants. Once her lips pressed together, she could see, Sam didn’t plan on opening it again. Obviously, she was not going to get anything. No reasoning behind the resistance. No reminiscing about personal exploits. No date. No love. Jak quickly went about the room, grabbing her clothes.