Falling Again in El Salvador

by Julie Danvers

  And so he told her a different part of the story, a part that was mostly true, even if it left out the accident and all the fallout from it.

  “You know how you said your parents were overprotective? Well, mine were just as bad.”

  She laughed through the last traces of her tears. “I’m not sure that’s possible.”

  “Okay, maybe mine weren’t quite as bad as yours. I was never forbidden from riding my bicycle or going to the playground. But both my parents were trauma surgeons. They would come home from work and scare my sister and I with stories of patients who’d hurt themselves by doing things that were dangerous or careless. I think their intentions were good. They were trying to get us to think and be cautious. But they may have gone a little overboard.”

  “It sounds like my parents would approve of their methods. Maybe we should get them all in a room together so they can exchange child-rearing tips.” She shuddered. “Actually, that’s probably a terrible idea.”

  He couldn’t help smiling. “Let’s make sure they never meet. You’d think they would have become more relaxed after I became a surgeon, but instead, they got worse. They were always warning me to protect my hands at all costs. My hands were my career, they always said.”

  “No wonder you were always so obsessive about hand injuries.”

  “I know. I didn’t have a rebellious phase like you did. Surgery was kind of my thrill. It was life-and-death enough for me.”

  “But then why would you ever stop?”

  “I guess after we broke up... I realized I needed to find out who I was. All of my plans for my life have always been wrapped up in other people. My career was what it was because I came from a family of surgeons. I never had a chance to consider anything else.” He swallowed.

  “Anyway, I realized I was living a life based on other people’s hopes and dreams for me,” he continued. “And other people’s worries, too. All those stories my parents told about patients who’d been horribly injured in accidents, all of my father’s lectures about protecting my hands, because God forbid I should twist a finger and not be able to perform surgery for a few weeks... All of it made me way too cautious. It kept me from living my real life.”

  She nodded slowly. “You needed to get away from everyone else’s expectations in order to find yourself.”

  He was surprised to find that her words seemed so exactly right, even though he hadn’t shared the whole truth with her. Even though he’d never wanted to give up surgery, life had become more exciting after his surgical career was over. He’d never needed to seek out excitement before, because surgery had been exciting enough. But without having it in his life, he’d had to open himself up to new things, sometimes taking new risks. It had been freeing after all, he realized, to give up surgery and all the pressure of it, and find a whole new side of himself in El Salvador.

  She shook her head slowly. “All this time, I was blaming myself for putting your career at risk.”

  “I hope you don’t feel guilty anymore,” he said, meaning it. As he spoke, he realized that he himself didn’t feel angry anymore. It was strange, he thought, that after harboring that anger for so long, it could simply drift away. Yet as he saw Cassie’s face, half lit in the shadows, he knew that he never wanted her to feel guilty when she thought about him. And he didn’t want to be angry with her.

  In fact, when he looked at her now, he felt an entirely different range of emotions. He wondered if she could ever possibly feel the same about him.

  She blotted her eyes with her sleeve. He knew he should take his arm from around her shoulders, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

  “Just think,” he said. “If I were still a surgeon, I wouldn’t have been there today to watch the best ob-gyn in New York help a mom from a rural mountain village in El Salvador bring her twins into the world. I wouldn’t have been here to help save three lives.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “I’m glad that our ability to work together hasn’t changed. And I think I’m actually glad that we’re both here together.”

  “And I’m glad you’re no longer horrified at the thought of working with me.”

  “Oh, it was never horrifying. Just very, very surprising. It’s funny... I came here because I thought I needed to get away from my past, but I never thought I needed this.”

  “Needed what?” he asked.

  “To see you again.”

  She looked up at him. They were enveloped in shadow, and yet the moon was bright enough that he could see her face. Her eyes were still wet with the last drops of tears, and they shimmered in the moonlight. On impulse, he reached a finger to her cheek and brushed a single tear away.

  As he felt her skin beneath his fingertips, he realized that this was the first time he’d touched her since the day she’d arrived at the camp.

  He rested his hand against her cheek for a moment longer than he meant to. Her hair brushed his fingertips and he was gripped by an irrational desire to smooth the stray locks around her forehead.

  She held his gaze, and he realized their faces were only inches apart.

  He knew he should move away, as much as he didn’t want to.

  He mustered every last bit of resolve he could find and started to pull away from her. But as he started to pull back and began to say, “I’m sorry,” she leaned in and stopped his words with a light kiss. And then both his arms were around her and he was holding her even tighter, close to his chest. Their lips met again, not lightly at all this time, but a deep kiss in which his mouth pressed against hers, demanding entry, pouring five years of yearning into a single moment. Her mouth yielded readily to his, inviting him to revisit familiar ground and to explore new territory. There was a new taste of wild berries, but underneath it the familiar taste of sweetness and her. As her lips opened beneath his, he found he could no longer discern what was familiar and what was new, because he was lost in the heat and warmth of Cassie as he crushed his lips against hers.

  As he leaned in closer, pressing her back against the tree trunk, she made a small squeak. He broke away from her instantly.

  “It’s just...the trunk was poking into my back,” she said.

  And just as abruptly as it had begun, the moment was over.

  He felt thoroughly embarrassed. He couldn’t believe he’d allowed himself to get so caught up in the moment that he’d kissed her.

  He could still taste the faint sweetness of berries on his lips.

  He was playing with fire, and he knew it. He’d already been hurt by Cassie once before. He’d assumed she wanted more of a life together than she did, and he’d paid the price for that assumption. He had no idea, now, what she wanted out of a relationship, but five years ago, he’d had the experience of being one of her thrills, easily disposed of. He didn’t want to put himself through that again, no matter how much he wanted to continue holding her in his arms.

  And so he disentangled himself from her and stood, brushing himself off. She stood, too.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, just as she blurted out the same words.

  “It’s okay,” she said. “I know you want to keep things professional.”

  “Right,” he said. “I think with all this talk of old memories, and with it being such a long day for both of us, maybe we both got a little bit tired and...confused.”

  “Of course,” she said. “It’s been a very long day. I’m sure once we both get some sleep, we can start over again in the morning.”

  “Nothing would make me happier.”

  “Well, then. We’re agreed. I think it’s long past time I went back to my quarters and got some sleep. Hand me that last pupusa for the road?”

  He gave her the flatbread and watched her retreat into the darkness.

  He told himself that he was glad he’d stopped the kiss when he did. But he noticed that he had to work awfully hard to convince himself that
not kissing her could ever be the right thing.

  And yet, he’d been hurt by Cassie in the past, and he knew what that felt like. He wasn’t interested in something that would turn out to be just another meaningless fling to her. He was tired of wasting time on heartbreak, and if he were to get involved with anyone again, he would want that person to be looking for a serious future. But he had no idea if that’s what Cassie was looking for, and he’d been wrong once before. Getting involved with Cassie again would be moving backward, and if there was one thing Bryce had learned over the past five years, it was how to move forward, even if the circumstances weren’t ideal. Even if he cared for someone who didn’t feel the same way about him.

  * * *

  Cassie went back to her quarters, but she failed to get any sleep. Instead, she gazed up at the mosquito netting that protected her bed, replaying the moments that had led up to the kiss over and over in her mind.

  She could still feel the warmth and pressure of where he’d held her on her body. It had felt every bit as good to be wrapped in those arms as she’d imagined.

  She hadn’t expected the kiss to happen. And yet when it did, it felt so right. Like coming home.

  When Bryce explained that she wasn’t at fault for his career change, she’d felt so relieved. She’d meant what she said: she had needed to see him again. All this time, she’d thought she needed to stay away from him as much as possible. But now, knowing that Bryce had found it freeing to give up surgery, knowing that he’d dealt with high expectations and overprotectiveness from his parents, just as she had, made all the difference.

  With a pang, she wondered if they could have talked about all of this five years ago. But there was no use looking back. Five years ago, Bryce hadn’t given up surgery, and she hadn’t given up blaming herself for all his troubles. But now it seemed that Bryce had never blamed her at all...and apparently there was no reason for her to blame herself.

  But if he’d forgiven her, why had he been so brusque after the kiss?

  Just because he’d forgiven her didn’t mean he wanted her. Maybe he’d merely been feeling nostalgic. He’d essentially said as much. I think with all this talk of old memories, and with it being such a long day for both of us, maybe we both got a little bit tired and...confused.

  So he’d been confused when he kissed her. And yet during the kiss, he hadn’t seemed confused at all. She shivered, remembering his arms pressing her to his chest, the masculine warmth of his lips on hers. Far from confused, he’d seemed to know exactly what he wanted, for a moment.

  But just for a moment. As soon as they’d broken apart, he’d become businesslike. Still, for all their talk of staying professional, Bryce hadn’t kissed her as though he wanted to stay professional. He’d kissed her as though he meant it. As though he wanted more.

  It amazed her how their kiss had felt so natural, but seconds later they’d been so awkward with one another. She wished she knew how Bryce really felt. Did he think the kiss was a mistake or had he simply been caught up in the heat of the moment?

  Or perhaps, just possibly, the kiss meant something...more.

  She’d practically fled the scene afterward, afraid that she might say something terribly wrong and completely botch the moment. Or that she’d hear him say more about being—she rolled her eyes—confused.

  She hadn’t wanted to stop the kiss, but she wondered if Bryce had felt as though he had to. Five years ago, he thought she had left him without a care in the world. He’d never realized how guilty she felt. Or just how hard it had been for her to leave. He still didn’t realize all that he had meant to her.

  She wondered if there was any way to show him just how wrong he was about that.

  So much had changed since they’d last known each other. She’d almost lost her adventurous side forever, and he’d almost gotten engaged. He’d done what people were supposed to do after breakups: try to move on. She just wished that he hadn’t gone through it all believing that he was nothing more than a fling to her.

  After everything that had passed between the two of them, the chances of she and Bryce becoming anything more than friends to one another were smaller than the tiny mosquitoes trapped in the netting above her bed.

  Which was a problem. Because she refused to accept that that kiss under the balsa tree was the last kiss she would share with Bryce.

  Somehow, she was going to show him that their relationship wasn’t just a thrill to her, and never had been. She just needed to think of a way to do it.

  CHAPTER SIX

  OVER THE NEXT few days, the medical camp was busier than Cassie had ever seen it. A series of landslides in the mountains had displaced the residents of a number of rural villages, and more families were arriving at the camp every day.

  The extra work meant that she had barely any time to herself, let alone to speak with Bryce. As desperate as she was to speak with him, she also felt nervous about what she would learn if she did.

  After their talk under the balsa tree, it was nice to feel as though they were friends again. But as Cassie considered their kiss, she was faced with a growing realization that friendship wasn’t going to be enough. She wanted more. Much more.

  And there was no time to find out whether Bryce felt the same way.

  She couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. Her sleep was terrible, to the point where one of the midwives commented on the dark circles under her eyes. Cassie had gotten flustered and said something about the long shifts getting to her. She hadn’t wanted to admit that each night she fought for sleep but was kept awake by the memory of Bryce’s lips on hers. And, of course, thinking about that led to all the other memories she had of times when Bryce’s lips had been on hers. And that left her wanting more.

  She tried to tell herself that there were countless reasons she should let all of the memories go, including the memory of their most recent kiss. She ticked the reasons off in her mind. They’d agreed to be professional. Bryce had probably only kissed her out of nostalgia. It would probably be incredibly hard for him to trust his heart with her again.

  She wanted so badly to show him that he could. But she didn’t know how. She didn’t even know if Bryce felt anything more than friendship for her.

  But as the days passed, she couldn’t deny that she wanted more than friendship from him.

  At first, she tried to cope with her feelings by ignoring them. She threw herself into her work, just as she had in New York. Back then, she’d been trying to forget that Bryce existed.

  Now, she was trying to forget how his kiss had made her feel. As well as the jolt of electricity she felt when his arm brushed against hers in passing. And the flutter of butterfly wings in her stomach when she caught him glancing in her direction.

  Her strategy was about as effective now as it had been back then. Which was to say, not very effective at all.

  When she’d first arrived at the camp, it had been hard enough adjusting to seeing Bryce every day while she worked. Now she had to deal with seeing him every time she closed her eyes in her quarters at night.

  Despite her fears about what Bryce might say, she knew they needed a chance to speak alone. She had to know how he felt.

  Especially because there were moments where she could swear she’d caught Bryce staring at her. His glances were discreet, but they were definitely there. And they were intense enough to make her wonder if he was thinking about their kiss under the balsa tree every bit as much as she was. And perhaps experiencing some rekindled desire of his own.

  But she couldn’t know unless they talked. And as each day at the camp became busier than the last, she wasn’t sure when she’d be able to speak with him.

  Then, inspiration struck. She’d been reviewing patient charts and listening to little Manny chatter away about a jaguar with cubs that he and Bryce had supposedly come upon in the forest when Bryce took him along on a medical mission. Mann
y’s story reminded her that Bryce and some of the other doctors went on medical missions all the time. Usually they delivered vaccines, transported refugees away from dangerous mountain areas vulnerable to volcanic eruptions and rockfalls or helped with difficult births when women couldn’t reach the camp. Cassie had been hoping for a chance to join such a mission herself as soon as she could, but she’d been absorbed in adjusting to life at the camp.

  Now, she realized that joining a mission might be the perfect opportunity to get some alone time with Bryce. Enrique had told her that Bryce did most of the off-camp missions. He’d said that he often wanted to send another doctor along with Bryce for backup, but the camp lacked the manpower.

  Cassie was more than eager to help. The camp was so busy that it was the only way that she and Bryce would ever be able to get some time to themselves. Hopefully, they’d have a chance to talk about what was going on between the two of them.

  Even if he only wanted to be friends, she needed to know. Because nothing was worse than not knowing if he would ever kiss her like that again.

  As she’d predicted, Enrique was thrilled when she volunteered to be available for any upcoming off-camp missions.

  “It’ll be good to have more people who can go off-camp besides Bryce, especially because it’s best to send people in pairs,” he’d said. “I’ll keep you in mind for the next mission that comes up.”

  But as the days passed, nothing out of the ordinary happened, other than one of the camp’s rickety wooden shower stall doors falling in on her as she rinsed her hair.

  She took her showers early in the morning, for both the hot water and the privacy. For the most part, she was impressed with how well the camp managed to provide protection from the elements in the middle of the wilderness. The cinder block buildings and canvas tents might not be pleasing to the eye, but they were safe and sterile. But the showers left much to be desired. They were relics of an earlier era, the only buildings in the camp made of wood rather than concrete. The showerheads were little more than hoses jury-rigged to the walls so that water cascaded from above. The wood doors almost hung off their posts, and extreme care had to be taken to make sure they didn’t come apart upon opening or closing.