How to Be Human

by Ruby Wax

  In time, you can do this more quickly. You can also use this exercise when you run, skip, dance and hula hoop.

  Exercise 2: Urge Awareness

  Do this when you notice yourself starting to rush; the urge to speed up. The more tuned in you are, the more you’ll be able to sense if you’re pushing yourself too hard. If you focus exactly where you imagine you feel the urge in your body, the mental urge disperses. Also, this exercise isn’t to teach you how to move more slowly but to sharpen your attention muscles. Any time you focus on the body you enter the ‘now’, and this leads to a clear and open mind. This is also when you’re at your most creative. Who knew that using your body could make you more creative? I did.

  Notice your movements when you’re going into a difficult meeting or somewhere you don’t want to go and compare them to how you feel when you are going to a party or meeting a friend.

  When you feel the impulse to speed up, try to pause intentionally and notice what’s going on in your mind. Do this with curiosity not condemnation, thinking, Oh, no, I’m racing again, I’m an idiot. Some people find this exercise agonizing to start with, because your mind always wants you to speed up. So, when you notice it revving up, pause, breathe and proceed. Eventually, you won’t need to pause consciously; it will become a new habit.

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  Mindfulness Exercises for Compassion

  THUBTEN’S EXERCISES

  Exercise 1: Compassionate Body Scan

  You can do this exercise in a quiet place, either sitting in a comfortable chair or lying on your back on the floor. If you’re on the floor and you have a bad back, put pillows under your knees and head. Feel supported by the ground or chair beneath you and relax completely, feeling held.

  Spend a moment setting your intention in this exercise, generating the motivation of compassion. Only by working on compassion for ourselves can we then develop compassion for others. Remind yourself that you’re doing this practice to build acceptance and kindness. Often, we judge ourselves, thinking our bodies should be thinner, younger or more beautiful, but with this compassionate body scan, we’re learning to accept and be kind to ourselves. The acceptance leads to an openness; there’s no longer any pushing for results.

  You’re going to slowly scan from the head down to the toes, spreading a feeling of compassion throughout your body. Do this by imagining a warm liquid balm slowly filling you up from top to toes, starting at the crown of your head and moving downwards. Imagine either liquid or white light filling you with self-acceptance and compassion, soothing any feelings of anxiety or stress.

  If at any point you feel a difficult emotion or physical pain, just be with those sensations in the same way you’d sit with a friend who’s in pain and you’re there for them. If you feel no particular sensation, just be with that.

  Starting at the crown of your head, visualize or imagine liquid or light there, spreading downwards.

  Next move your focus to the eyes, then the face muscles and, finally, the mouth. If you’re holding any tension in the face, let the liquid or light go into those areas and relax them.

  Bring your attention to the jaw, then the shoulders and armpits. Many people feel tension in their shoulders so, when the liquid or light reaches that region, let it soothe any feeling of discomfort.

  Move down the arms and body together, until you reach your abdomen and lower back. If you notice any physical or emotional tension in the abdomen, again, feel the balm moving through, generating a sense of acceptance.

  Move down the waist, into the buttocks and pelvis, then travel down the legs (both together), and into the ankles and feet. End with the tips of the toes.

  Finish the exercise by again simply feeling the floor or chair holding you. Your body by now is completely filled with the soothing balm or light. Then let go of that image and notice your breathing, keeping it natural.

  Finish the exercise by generating the wish to be of benefit to yourself and to others. This is a moment of compassionate intention.

  Exercise 2: Breathing for Compassion

  We can begin by working on compassion for ourselves and then develop compassion for others.

  Sit upright in a quiet place with a straight back. Set the intention that you’re practising compassion.

  Spend a few moments being aware of your body: feel the ground beneath your feet and the contact between your body and the chair. Be aware of your shoulders and let them relax.

  Focus on your breathing without trying to control it. As you breathe in, imagine that your breath is going directly to any area in your body where you feel discomfort. Maybe it’s a physical problem, or maybe you can feel a sense in your body of where you’re emotionally troubled.

  Imagine the in breath is bringing light into that area, soothing it.

  As you breathe out, imagine that dark clouds of smoke are coming out of that area, exiting the pores of your skin and dissolving into the space around you, freeing you. Keep repeating this cycle. Remember to leave your breath natural, don’t force it. End the session by relaxing, feeling the chair under your body and the ground under your feet.

  Finish with a moment of compassion, generating a sense of kindness.

  Exercise 3: Breathing for Compassion for Others

  Use the former exercise for yourself, but if you’re with someone or imagining others who are suffering, you can send compassion to them.

  Do the previous exercise, and then after you’ve inhaled soothing light into your area of pain, imagine sending the light to the other person(s) and filling them up with it, as you breathe out.

  Keep gently repeating this cycle.

  This exercise transforms our instinctive tendency to resist or avoid emotional pain; it means you’re breathing in compassion for yourself as well as breathing out compassion for others.

  Eventually, begin to imagine more individuals, so that you are extending the compassion on a greater scale. You can even include individuals you normally feel aversion to. This helps the compassion become more and more unconditional.

  RUBY’S EXERCISES

  Exercise 1: Swinging from Negative to Positive Made Easy

  At any time in the day, or right now, notice what you’re thinking about. This moment of self-reflection will give you the greatest insight into what your habits are. If you’re always thinking about something that makes you feel good, you can skip this exercise, you’re doing just fine. If you notice that you tend to focus on things that make you feel sad, bad or blue, stay with your thoughts but explore them with curiosity, not judgement. Even if your mind berates you for always focusing on the negative, at least congratulate yourself for paying attention; most people haven’t got a clue. (Remember: we all tend to focus more on the negative, so forgive yourself. It’s a habit from the past, trying to help you stay in the gene pool.)

  Now, bring in a thought of something or someone (it doesn’t matter how small the detail) that makes you feel good – lighter, perkier. Even in the darkest thoughts, there can be a ray of light. (In my case, it’s picturing my cat, Sox.) Notice the feelings in your body; gradually you’ll become more conscious that, when you change your thinking, your inner landscape changes.

  Note: Please don’t think this is about putting on a big smile and skipping in the daisies when you feel down, it will only make you hate yourself more for failing at it. We have to accept the negative because it lives within us, but if you can bring up those positive memories even for a few seconds each day, the brain starts to rewire and the habits of continuous negativity begin to break down.

  Exercise 2: Using Sounds to Make You Feel Good

  I know this one seems weird but, sometimes, when I’m caught on a real stinger of self-hatred/abuse/criticism, I find some earphones and listen to recordings of the sounds of tropical rainforests (see Spotify). As soon as I hear the squawk of the macaws and pitter-patter of rain on the leaves, I either get serene or I have to go to the bathroom.

  Exercise 3: Kindness: The App

  I’m g
oing to pass this one over to my son, Max, who’s made a free app to help people develop habits of kindness using tech to make the world a better place.

  MAX

  ‘I created an app that makes performing regular acts of kindness as quick, simple and fun as possible. This is done with weirdly wonderful cartoon characters who celebrate your progress with tips to keep you going. There’s also a challenge mode and a feature that introduces you to the flow of compassion, led by Professor Paul Gilbert. If you’re stuck for ideas, you’ll find over one hundred here, and you can swipe through these suggestions – sort of like Tinder but, instead of finding singles in your area, you’re making the world a better place. When you perform kindnesses, there are surprise rewards, though nothing is as rewarding as doing the act itself.

  In recent years, kindness has got a bad name. I googled “kindness” and up came a TEDTalk given by an Orange County housewife who remembered the time she gave a homeless man a hot dog and they cried in each other’s arms, until she had to go to her next pedicure appointment. I’ve worked hard to keep the schmaltz to a minimum and make the app as practical and simple as possible. Also, if you wake up feeling nasty, there’s an option to let rip and just be a badass.

  This app isn’t a business opportunity, it’s just a way I think technology can help people. It’s currently available and free to download and use: search for “The Kindness App” or go to thekindnessapp.com. I would also like to thank my mum for her act of kindness in donating me this space to tell you about my app!’

  Exercise 4: What’s in a Face?

  Professor Tania Singer conducted research into the neuroscience of compassion. In a clinical setting, over several weeks, she asked the volunteers to look at a computer screen showing expressions on people’s faces. The computer collected the data by people tapping on the keys when they registered angry, fearful, anxious or joyful faces.

  Throughout the weeks, they were encouraged to focus on the happy faces until this became their new default. Their brains were scanned throughout the experiment and it became evident that different areas of the brain were activated when going from a negative tendency to a positive one. When they started to pay more attention to the happy faces, chemicals were produced which boosted the immune system. Blood and glucose were increased in the brain, energizing it and promoting a sense of ease and well-being.

  Obviously, you haven’t got a brain scanner at home, so here’s how you can change your default from negative to positive.

  When you’re walking down the street, at the office, at school, on a bus or anywhere in public, notice who’s smiling and who looks upset. Over time, intentionally send your focus to people who seem light and content, allowing their emotions to rub off on you then sending it back. (You don’t have to talk to them just take it in and then send back the vibe.)

  For those people who look unhappy, stressed or anxious, try to imagine what’s going on in their lives. Notice their faces, posture, where they’re holding on and try to tune in to how they might be feeling. You don’t have to get it right, it’s just for you to exercise those empathy muscles. The intention is everything.

  The reward of these exercises is that when you’re actually with a friend or someone who’s having a hard time, you’re tuned up to listen with empathy. Once you can clearly read their state, you’ll be more accurate in how you can help them with compassion. Not just saying, ‘Get well soon.’

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  Mindfulness Exercises for Relationships

  THUBTEN’S EXERCISES

  These are all exercises aimed at creating a shift in our attitude or way of thinking, which is an important part of mindfulness training.

  Exercise 1: Writing a Letter

  For this exercise, sit somewhere quiet and meditate on your breathing for a few moments, just to focus the mind and bring yourself into the present moment.

  Then write a letter (don’t send it!) to the person you’re experiencing a difficult relationship with. In this letter pour out exactly how you feel. Don’t hold back.

  After that, write a letter as if from them to you, not thinking that they’ve read your letter, but just let them pour out all their feelings.

  Next, spend a little time looking at both letters, trying to generate understanding and even compassion for both parties.

  The point of this exercise is to gain perspective through exploring both sides of the story. You’re learning to be a neutral observer, not getting hooked into storylines.

  Once you’ve read both letters, sit and meditate again for a few moments; don’t focus on the breathing, but let any feelings arise freely in your mind. Don’t push them away, just experience them.

  Lastly, write another letter from you to the other person, in which you constructively express all the ways you’d like to move the relationship to a more harmonious place.

  Exercise 2: Dyad Exercise

  This is a dynamic practice involving two people. It can be done face to face or by telephone. A dyad is an intentional and structured meeting with the aim of developing empathy and compassion. Each person is going to speak for five minutes without interruption.

  The first person talks about something difficult that happened that day, and how it felt. They should list all the ways it made them feel, in their mind and body. Then they talk about how they felt about something which happened that day or recently for which they feel grateful.

  The listener simply maintains eye contact (unless the exercise is being done by phone), as well as being mentally present. There are no interruptions or comments, not even non-verbal signals, instead they simply listen with empathy. The aim is to practise compassionate listening.

  After the five minutes, they switch roles and do the same exercise the other way around.

  The exercise is about listening with complete acceptance and no judgement, and not attempting to solve the other person’s problem.

  To give someone our full attention without judging them is a powerful act of kindness.

  At the end of the exercise both people can discuss how they found this experience, if they wish.

  Exercise 3: Swapping Places

  This exercise helps us to imagine being in another person’s shoes.

  Imagine them sitting in front of you, facing you. Or you can practise this with another person, where you both do the exercise, physically seated opposite each other.

  Mentally swap places with the other person; imagine becoming them, and they become you.

  Now you’re in their shoes, inhabiting their skin.

  Try to explore how it feels to be that person and what’s really going on inside them. What kind of struggles are they going through?

  Next ask yourself how you might seem to them. You’re looking at yourself through their eyes. Try to experience how you might seem from their perspective.

  At the end of the exercise swap back into being yourself, and spend a few moments looking at them (either literally or the imagined person), with a sense of new understanding and compassion.

  RUBY’S EXERCISES

  Mindfulness is being aware of your thoughts and feelings. When it comes to relationships, it’s about noticing whether you’re projecting these thoughts and feelings on to someone else. Be aware if you’re throwing your luggage at them; they have enough of their own.

  Relationships fall apart when there’s no communication and I don’t just mean discussing what the kids are doing, I mean when they stop asking what’s going on in the other’s life; then the connection is cut.

  Always ask with curiosity, not interrogation, and don’t just ask but listen closely when they answer. This is a skill that needs to be trained. We usually can’t stay focused for more than a few seconds before distraction pulls us to the next thing. If you listen to the other as if it’s fresh and surprising news, that will spark your interest and interest creates rapport.

  Exercise 1: Civilized Talk

  This exercise will teach you how to negotiate peacefully and productively.
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br />   Only do this if both parties agree to do the exercise. This is a chance to state any needs you might have in the relationship. Usually, when we start expressing our needs, we get caught on a treadmill of accusations: ‘It’s your fault’ followed by ‘No, it’s your fault.’ (This can go on endlessly.)

  Before you start, sit for a few minutes and focus on your breathing. If you feel steady go for step one.

  In my opinion, unless you use mindfulness or some other training you won’t be able to hear each other clearly when you get agitated because both your stress levels will hit the ceiling and then the ‘blame game’ takes hold.

  Step 1. Be clear

  One partner states what they feel they need from the relationship without interruption from the other. Take a few minutes to do this. (This is difficult because we’re not taught or encouraged to state our needs clearly without feeling guilty.) They do this without blaming or accusing, they’re simply saying how they feel. Be aware of tone; notice if a nag or a whine starts to creep in.

  Step 2. Repeat back

  For a few minutes, after the first person makes their statement, the other partner makes sure they’ve heard it correctly so as not to misinterpret what they said. They should always try to listen with new ears, not just here-it-comes-again ears. For more clarity, they could ask, ‘What I understood you said was … is that correct?’