All Families Are Psychotic

by Douglas Coupland

  ‘Daytona Beach …’ said Wade.

  ‘Did you get the guy’s name?’ Ted asked.

  ‘No. Why?’

  ‘Ted? Wade?’

  ‘Is she headed there now, you think?’ asked Wade.

  ‘Who knows. Probably.’

  Wade and Ted swapped looks. ‘Mom,’ said Wade, ‘we have to go.’

  ‘Go where?’

  ‘Long story.’ Already Wade was halfway to the automatic doors, as Ted dragged Bryan off the gurney.

  ‘Ted …’ called Nickie.

  ‘Can’t talk now, Nix – we have to go.’

  And in a blink they were gone.

  17

  Janet and Nickie walked through the emergency room doors, a swoosh of hot night air blasting their faces. Across the lot the three men were barreling away in Howie’s orange van – with no Howie inside. Wade burned some rubber as they left the lot, making Janet turn to Nickie: ‘How do men do that? I’ve been driving for forty years and I’ve never once burned rubber.’

  Back inside the hospital they learned that Kevin’s condition was stable and that he was sleeping. The two women bought a stack of pinkish silver Mylar balloons and a sympathy card and placed them beside his bed. A nurse asked if Janet and Nickie were family. Janet said, ‘No, but—’

  The nurse zipped her finger up to her lips: ‘Shhhhhh! Don’t tell me anything more. I don’t know who you are in this guy’s life, but this guy is taking some serious meds. We don’t know who to contact, and someone has to go to his place and get his stuff. Could you do that?’

  ‘Sure.’

  The nurse handed Janet a Post-It with an address on the back copied from a driver’s license. ‘And here are keys that were in his pocket. One of them ought to do the trick.’

  The two women elevatored downstairs. Janet said, ‘You know, this was supposed to be a happy family week that drew us all closer – all that NASA hokum: prayer breakfasts, zodiac boat tours through swamps, a chance encounter with a Kennedy family member … And you wouldn’t believe the other astronaut families. They’re practically astronauts themselves – shoes buffed like mirrors; too many teeth; half of them are military and talk in barking Navy SEALs voices. They drive me nuts, they’re so enthusiastic. Our own family is a disaster.’

  Nickie said, ‘I doubt it. People are pretty forgiving when it comes to other people’s family. The only family that ever horrifies you is your own. Hey – do you get along with Sarah?’

  ‘Sarah? I think so. Yes.’

  ‘What do you mean you “think so”.’

  ‘The two of us have never actually had a fight, per se.’

  ‘I don’t believe you.’

  ‘Then don’t. But I’m serious. Not one in nearly forty years.’

  ‘Then why do you say you think you get along?’

  ‘Sarah’s always been Ted’s baby. I was so scared and frightened when she was born. Ted wasn’t. He leapt in. He’s stronger than me in some ways. He saw a spark in Sarah that I didn’t. I feel ashamed of that.’ Janet looked down into her lap and said, ‘Sarah sees something in my eyes; I don’t know what it is – but she’s always held back with me. Nicely, mind you, but she’s never truly opened up to me. Ever.’

  Nickie was quiet.

  After deliberating over a map, the two women drove to Kevin’s neighborhood. The night air was dark and floral, oily and infected. Janet saw a flock of birds off to the right and realized what a rare thing it is to see birds after sundown. They passed a black Mercedes with an engine fire, and a pile of lemons sitting at the roadside for no apparent reason.

  Florida.

  Minutes later the women were in a trailer park in the northwest section of Orlando. ‘Welcome to Kevin’s house,’ said Nickie, as they opened the door to the gently listing trailer. Janet sat at a kitchen table, one of its legs propped up by a pile of unopened bills stained with coffee and cigarette burns. She looked at photos inside $5.95 WalMart frames, mostly Kevin clowning with his friends amid bits and pieces of Disney characters in mid-mock copulation – a cast party? There was also a field of magnetized words on the fridge door.

  ‘These magnet-word thingies drive me crazy,’ said Nickie.

  ‘How come?’ Nickie was pouring herself a grapefruit juice; Janet was jealous because grapefruit juice was off limits – its acidity burned her gums.

  ‘Nobody ever makes anything good with them. But people never throw them out, either.’

  Both women’s eyes landed on a beefcake calendar by the phone. ‘It’s so faggy in here,’ said Nickie. ‘What a riot.’

  ‘Let’s just retrieve the pills. I’m sleepy. I want to go to bed.’

  They found two dozen bottles of Kevin’s pills, which they placed in a supermarket bag. Nickie dropped off Janet at the Peabody then left to deliver the cache.

  Janet yearned only for a quick shower and sleep, but upstairs she opened the room’s door to find Beth wearing panties and a singlet, well into a series of cocktails, and quite snippy. The room smelled like a steakhouse.

  ‘Where’s Wade?’ asked Janet. ‘And what’s that smell?’ She saw two fully disemboweled room service trolleys.

  ‘The crap I tolerate from your son – Jesus. He dumps me to go to Disneyfucking World, and so I waste the day piddling around the tourist traps. When I get back there’s a guy from Budget Car Rental on the phone and it turns out he wrecked my car – my credit’s trashed for ever now, thank you – and then he takes off with that moron ex of yours, and Bryan.’

  She is drunk. She is random. Play this carefully, Janet.

  ‘I see.’

  ‘Then he goes and leaves some lame message on the machine about having to do some work for Norm.’

  ‘Norm?’

  ‘One of Wade’s old lowlife pals. Owns a baseball team or something. He radiates darkness as the sun radiates light.’ Beth opened a minibar bottle of tequila. ‘You know you’re scraping the dregs of the minibar when you drink the tequila.’ She poured it into half a glass of water, took a sip and then looked at the carpet. ‘Wade is lost. It’s hell for him.’

  ‘Well, whatever. Who ate all the food?’

  ‘I did – steak – not just one order, but two.’

  The notion of steak being somehow … swanky struck Janet as dated and sad.

  ‘Wait until he sees the room bill,’ Beth said. ‘He’ll shit.’

  ‘Yes, well, won’t he, though?’

  Janet had little patience for drunks, but saw this as an excellent opportunity to milk answers to a few lingering questions. ‘Beth, you must be excited about the baby.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Beth looked stubborn.

  ‘Maybe you could drink something other than alcohol. Can I get you a juice from the minibar?’

  ‘No. My mother was pickled when I was a bun in the oven. A drink here tonight isn’t going to make a whiff of difference.’ Her grip on the glass tightened.

  Janet said, ‘You seem worried.’

  ‘Wade’s going be dead and in hell, and I’m going to be alone with another mouth to feed.’

  ‘Why is Wade going to die?’

  ‘You’re cursed just like him. You have the same mark.’

  ‘The same mark? Beth, Wade and I have a chronic but manageable condition, as did you until recently, I might add.’

  Beth spat out some air, and her head sagged slightly as the alcohol slackened her muscles.

  ‘OK, tell me, Beth, what does your family have to say about your pregnancy? Wade’s told me nothing about them.’

  ‘My family might as well be dead. Their brains are like moldy bread. Booze.’

  ‘Beth, you’re drunk and this conversation is going nowhere. Today’s been too long and I just don’t have the energy to suss it out of you. I’m going to bed.’

  Janet went to her suitcase and removed her nightie, and was heading into the bathroom when Beth said, ‘He has lesions on his shins. Big ones. Lots of them. And on his calves.’

  Janet stopped and turned around. ‘When?’
r />   ‘Two months now. His legs look like Gorbachev’s head.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘It’s the beginning of the end.’

  ‘No, it isn’t. There are medications for KS lesions now.’

  ‘Janet—’ Beth was suddenly clear. ‘—they’re not working.’

  Janet sat down on a chair by the bathroom door. ‘I’m sorry I snapped at you.’

  ‘I deserved a snapping.’

  ‘Does he talk about being sick?’

  ‘Wade? What do you think?’

  ‘I guess not.’

  Beth pleaded exhaustion and fell asleep in minutes with the TV on local news. Janet shrouded the two room service trolleys with their own white linen sheets, rolled them into the hallway, and then prepared her couch for sleeping. Beth snored like a garburator, and in spite of the day’s frenzies Janet had insomnia. At 4:00 A.M. she saw the blinking red message light on the phone. As Wade had done the night before, she checked to see what the message might be.

  Wade? Are you there? What’s going on? I’m on my coffee break again. Alanna says you, Dad and Bryan came and took Howie’s van – naughty, naughty. And then a few hours later these two guys rang the doorbell and took Howie away with them, but NASA says it has no idea who would have picked him up, so …

  I also haven’t heard from Mom today, and she’s pretty good about calling, so maybe something’s up there, too. All this Drummond drama. The Brunswick family probably played Scrabble until sunup, except they would have pulled a stunt to make it more challenging, like removing half the vowels.

  Well, big brother, you may well be asking how did I spend my day? Thank you for inquiring. Highlights included checking agar emulsions used to bind skin cells for zero-G cloning, a test drill of a new depressurization protocol and a modification of the strap-on peeing device which was slightly embarrassing.

  Wade! Call me! I’m sitting here – you’re not going to believe this, but yes, I’m on my coffee break and I’m drinking coffee!

  ’Bye.

  Sarah had left a number and Janet called it immediately. ‘Sarah?’

  ‘Mom – you’re up so late.’

  ‘I couldn’t sleep.’

  ‘Hey – what’s going on over there?’

  Where to begin? ‘Do you have a few minutes? Sit down, honey.’ Janet informed Sarah about the day’s chain of dramas – about Nickie; the holdup (minimizing the graphic details); Shw and her blood-soaked fifties; the baby-buyer in Daytona Beach; the men at the hospital; the trip to Kevin’s trailer; Beth’s boozing and religious yo-yoing. ‘So there you go.’

  ‘I think I need a minute to digest this.’

  ‘Take your time, dear.’ Janet made herself more comfortable on the chair and had a sip of water.

  ‘You sound a bit better tonight,’ said Sarah.

  ‘My cankers and ulcers have calmed down.’

  ‘That’s good news, Mom. I’m glad to hear it.’

  ‘Sarah—?’

  ‘Yeah, Mom?’

  ‘It’s about my ulcers in my mouth—’

  ‘Uh-huh?’

  ‘They didn’t just go away on their own.’

  ‘No? Are you taking a new medication?’

  ‘As a matter of fact, yes.’

  ‘Oh. What is it?’

  Janet heard a bell go off somewhere in the background of Sarah’s phone. I owe my daughter honesty: ‘I’m using thalidomide, Sarah.’

  No response.

  ‘Sarah?’

  ‘I heard you.’

  ‘Sarah, there was nothing else left to take. And I have to ferret out the entire Internet just to obtain it from countries like Brazil and Paraguay.’

  ‘It’s OK, Mom.’

  ‘And …’

  ‘Mom, stop it, OK?’

  ‘I’ve been so worried these past few weeks …’

  Sarah changed the subject: ‘Did Wade and Howie have a fight yesterday? Or today or something?’

  Janet had to think a second. ‘I have no idea. Yesterday Howie picked Wade up at the jail, but that’s all I know.’

  ‘Alanna was sounding weird when I spoke on the phone with her earlier tonight. There were words going unsaid.’

  ‘With Wade it could be anything, Sarah.’

  ‘I think Howie and Alanna are having an affair.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘They are.’

  ‘How can you say that?’

  ‘Well, it’s true.’

  ‘You have no evidence.’

  ‘Stop defending him!’

  Janet thought she was slipping into dementia. She’d never heard Sarah speak to her like this. Oh, geez Louise, that goddamn thalidomide went and busted the dam open. ‘You’re imagining things, Sarah.’

  ‘I’m not, and don’t you go telling me what to feel or think.’

  ‘But I’m not telling you—’ Suddenly at thirty-nine, Sarah’s acting like a teenager.

  ‘I only ever married Howie because he was smart and good-looking.’

  ‘What’s wrong with—’ What on earth is going on here? ‘Why are you telling me this?’

  ‘You think I don’t know what a bore he is? Or how pompous? He’s like a King Charles spaniel back from the groomers half the time. But I thought he was good breeding stock, and I guess he figured he’d rise faster through the ranks if he married me – which proved to be the case. So I guess we both got what we wanted.’

  ‘You said breeding stock. Are you pregnant?’ Janet wondered if the dismay she felt at having no grandchildren had leaked into her voice, possibly mocking Sarah.

  Sarah quickly replied, ‘No.’ After a pause, she added, ‘You know, I have to live with him. Imagine that – Funsville, huh? Sarah, did you know the tire pressure is down on your Toyota? Sarah, I think they’ve changed paper stock on the Journal – I’m going to write them a letter to complain – It never ends with him.’

  ‘No marriage is perfect, Sarah.’

  ‘Well, ours is – I don’t know – freezer-burnt.’

  ‘I thought you—’

  ‘Think again.’

  Janet tried to regroup her emotions. Stay calm. ‘This is because I told you about the thalidomide. You’d never have spoken like this to me otherwise.’

  ‘What if it is? I can’t believe you actually sought the stuff out – hunted for it – the worst molecule in the universe. If—’

  ‘Sarah, stop – stop right now.’

  Sarah’s voice went calm. ‘Mom, if you’d known beforehand – excuse the pun, would you have had me?’

  ‘Sarah, how can you—’

  ‘Well?’

  ‘It was a different era. We—’

  ‘Stop right there, Mom. A simple “no” would have been sufficient.’

  ‘Sarah, don’t do this to me.’

  ‘My coffee break’s over. I have to suit up now. ’Bye.’

  ‘Sarah?’

  Janet cradled the empty telephone to her ear, which stung as though slapped; her head was a helium balloon, and she was unable even to hear her own thinking. She’d never meant to cause harm and yet she’d brought harm. This was the conversation she’d had in her mind for decades, and she’d botched it horribly.

  Suddenly – oh, God – my family. I have to be near my family. The need to be with her two sons was so intense, so purely chemical, like a fast-acting pill.

  Inside the hotel room, Beth snored away. Janet silently packed up her meds and cosmetics case, her few garments, tossed them into her suitcase and headed down to the parking lot. I can’t go to NASA but I can go to – Daytona Beach. My boys! My children! I’m alone – I can’t bear this. Lift me up. Hold my weight. Don’t leave me feeling like this

  Janet drove east, but mixed up her highways and got lost. At five A.M. she found herself in the parking lot of a pleasant little shopping plaza that wished nobody harm. It was a few miles south of Cape Canaveral, in the NASA bedroom community of Cocoa Beach; she’d had to park there when her insomnia hit the wall, and she lay down in the backseat to s
leep, her hastily packed suitcase acting as pillow; a map of Flagler, Orange and Volusia Counties screening her eyes from early morning sunlight. She was awakened by a bleeping FTD delivery van reversing into a florist’s delivery way.

  Where are my children?

  Wade and Bryan were probably headed to Daytona Beach, and Sarah was most likely asleep within the titanium bowels of the space shuttle gantry. Sarah! Janet sprang fully awake. Oh, geez, we fought. Her head stung. She had to go to the bathroom and she was hungry. Rumpled and feeling muzzy, she spotted a downmarket fast-food chain across the lot and walked there, used the bathroom, and took her medication. She then went out to the counter area, only to find … Wade and Bryan, Good Lord! The two men were bickering about the menu board. Wade looked gaunt, while Bryan looked like a pink sunburnt scarecrow.

  ‘Boys?’

  ‘Mom?’

  Janet wrapped her arms around them both. Her eyes welled up.

  ‘Mom – what’s happened?’ Wade and Bryan were sharpened with worry.

  ‘It’s Sarah—’

  Her two sons froze. ‘What about Sarah – Mom, what happened?’

  ‘We had a fight.’

  Wade said, ‘You had a fight?’

  Janet grabbed a napkin and blew her nose. ‘I’ve never had a fight with her in my life and then, last night—’

  Wade said, ‘Wait a sec – she’s OK, right? She’s not dead or something? The mission’s not canceled?’

  ‘No.’

  The two men slumped their shoulders with relief. Wade said, ‘Mom, let’s talk about this in a second. First, are you hungry?’

  ‘I’m starving.’

  ‘Let’s buy you breakfast then.’

  Bryan asked, ‘What do you feel like?’

  ‘Pancakes,’ said Janet. ‘Fifty pancakes.’

  They placed an order and the cashier asked for money. ‘Mom,’ Wade asked, ‘do you have any money?’

  ‘Yes, of course I do.’ She opened her purse and divvied out singles to the cashier. ‘Don’t you have any money, either of you?’

  ‘Well, actually, no.’

  Janet paused. ‘Wait – how were you going to pay for your food?’

  ‘We, um—’ Wade fidgeted.