All Families Are Psychotic

by Douglas Coupland

  ‘Actually, Janet, it is – and good for you for thinking like a business person. But availability of cells is only half the problem.’

  ‘What’s the other half?’

  ‘The other half is the problem of telomeres.’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Human DNA is like a shoelace, Janet, and at each end are little caplets called telomeres. Depending on your family’s gene pool – or depending on whether or not you’re a one-hundred-fourteen-year-old Frenchwoman who drinks a glass of red wine each day – the telomeres fray after about seventysomething years. Your DNA unravels, you age and you die.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘The problem with cloning is that if I were to clone, say, you, Janet – and trust me, Janet, cloning is going on like crazy in labs across the planet right now – the resulting baby would have used up sixty years’ worth of telomeres.’

  ‘Sixty-five.’

  ‘So technically, we’d have a sixty-five-year-old baby. Therefore, the younger I can nab some cells, then the much, much more pricey they become. Capisce?’

  ‘Yes, I capisce.’

  ‘As an added bonus, these cells give me a benchmark against which I can verify future princely cells.’

  ‘Of course.’

  As a footnote, Florian added, ‘And there’s also this cell material called chromatin, but that’s a bit complex for our festive little dinner.’

  Janet closed her eyes.

  ‘Janet? Are you OK?’

  ‘I’m overwhelmed.’

  ‘We need to get smashed is what we need, Janet. You no longer need to worry about drug interactions with alcohol. Cissy has saved you.’ Florian went to the bar and simply took a bottle of gin. He brought it back and poured three glasses. ‘Cheers.’

  ‘Flor, just so you know, the real letter is beneath a sofa cushion in the living room of the house you picked me up at.’

  ‘How on earth did you end up beached inside that dreadful heap?’

  ‘This particular tale begins with my son, Bryan, impregnating a little spitfire by the name of Shw.’

  ‘Shw?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Spell that.’

  The usual Shw nonsense ensued. Janet then recounted the sequence of calamities ending up with Lloyd and Gayle imprisoned in their own pink dungeon.

  ‘This is too, too much, Janet. I simply must meet these people. Are they still in jail?’

  ‘As far as I know. The plan was just to scare them a smidge.’

  ‘Let’s go now.’

  ‘Why not. Bring the bottle.’

  ‘I shall.’ Florian stood up and held Cissy’s chair. ‘Cissy’s foster parents were English, you know, and she was raised inside Uganda’s diplomatic community. Hence her perfect Mayfair patois. Right, dear?’

  Cissy look slighted. ‘Florian, it is impolite to discuss people in their presence as if they were not there.’

  ‘Sorry about that, Cissy. You are correct.’

  Florian left several hundreds on the table, and as the trio headed to the door, the staff burst into spontaneous applause. Florian threw his wristwatch to Steve. In the parking lot, Florian said, ‘Jan, why don’t you take a quickie house tour of the rig. I’m sure you’ll find the decor most enchanting.’

  Janet followed Cissy into a vehicle as big as a high school portable classroom, which on the inside proved to be a fun-house of shining nickel, beveled glass, hidden light sources and a wealth of mirrors. Designer outfits were strewn in layers about the minimal charcoal gray furniture. The sight of so much cash frozen in the form of clothing gave Janet an illicit tingle.

  Cissy said, ‘It is small, I concede you that, but it is a gracious home. The fridge is stainless steel and the countertop is made of travertine marble, just like the kitchens of the British embassy before Idi Amin and his reign of bloody terror forced me out on the street.’ She opened the bathroom door; its interior was of marble and mirrors. ‘Elegant simplicity. Florian is really too kind, my dear. He has spared no expense to ensure that my needs as a lady are adequately met.’

  ‘He is a nice fellow, isn’t he?’ Janet said.

  ‘Indeed. He even made accommodation for my other womanly desires. Come see—’ She opened a door to the bedroom, which Janet entered, only to find Howie buck naked and asleep atop a chinchilla bedspread, snoring like a lawnmower. A half-empty J&B bottle rested on the side table.

  ‘I’ve been with so many men, but never one as beautiful as this. He is my angel. He is my reward.’

  Oh my – I’m not even shocked or embarrassed here. I’m amused. It must be the gin. ‘You are lucky indeed,’ Janet said.

  ‘It’s been enchanting meeting you, Janet. Au revoir.’

  ‘Au revoir.’

  Outside the car, Florian said to Janet, ‘You Americans just love your house tours, don’t you?’

  ‘I’m Canadian, you’re Swiss and Cissy’s Ugandan.’

  They hopped into the car. On the rear seat was a plastic Medevac cooler.

  ‘What’s in there, Flor?’

  ‘Goodies and treats.’

  ‘What kind of goodies?’

  ‘Let’s look and see.’ He removed the lid and meddled about with the cooler’s contents. ‘I just love my trips to Atlanta. Such a hotel-loving kind of town. That’s how I obtain most of my specimens, you know. Chambermaids are the content providers of the next human epoch. Just look at this—’ He held up a Ziploc baggie. ‘Bill Gates’s hairbrush. Five hundred dollars cash. This hairbrush alone is going to put thousands of little Florians through beauty school. What else have we in here?’

  Janet said, ‘You’re joking, right?’ Florian’s blank return glance confirmed otherwise. ‘Sorry, Flor.’

  Inside another vacuum-sealed clear plastic bag was a white towel. ‘Ashley Judd was here – imagine billions of little Juddlings, just waiting to entertain the dickens out of us. Now Celine Dion, though – she remains my Holy Grail. Lordy, that woman has a scorched-earth policy when it comes to hotel rooms. Ooh – what have we here?’ He removed a vacuum-packed black T-shirt. ‘Garth Brooks, manly sweat and all. Ka-ching, ka-ching. And here—’ Florian’s tone indicated the pièce de résistance. He removed an aluminum canister, and his voice became borderline awestruck: ‘—a Tiger Woods used condom, nestled inside a bath of liquid nitrogen.’

  ‘Stop!’

  ‘Janet—!’

  ‘Stop right there. This is becoming too much of a muchness.’

  Florian closed the cooler. ‘I can see how this might overwhelm a novice.’

  ‘Just put the cooler away for a while.’

  ‘Of course. Another drink?’

  ‘Please.’

  Florian poured drinks. Janet asked him if he didn’t worry about being so rich and not having much security, but he smiled and curled back his right ear. ‘A chip embedded right here. If I touch this chip firmly five times in two seconds, my, how shall we say, wrestling team will be with me inside of two minutes.’

  ‘You have security people always within two minutes of you?’

  ‘Always.’

  ‘Impressive.’

  ‘Necessity. But a part of their job description is that I don’t have to actually see them. That’s how the best security is always done.’ Florian changed gears: ‘So tell me, Janet, how many of your family members down here are sick?’

  ‘Four: me, Wade, Nickie and Ted.’

  ‘Ted?’

  ‘Liver cancer.’

  ‘Hmmm. Don’t forget, you’re not sick any more.’

  Oh, God, he’s right. ‘Three.’

  Florian went on: ‘I suppose we’d better take care of them all. Call them—’ He gave Janet a phone.

  ‘You can fix liver cancer?’

  ‘Oh, please.’

  Janet paused a second, then began to dial the number of Kevin’s trailer. Florian said, ‘Have them come to Daytona Beach and meet us. But only the sick ones. I don’t enjoy mob scenes.’

  Janet called and gave Wade the message, and shortly, a
t Lloyd and Gayle’s, they parked in the driveway. The house was dark inside, so they turned on some lights. In the living room, Janet reached under a cushion and pulled out a Mummy envelope. ‘Here you go.’

  ‘Thank you, Janet. What is that whining sound I hear?’

  ‘Kimba the dog, locked in the den. The Munsters are downstairs. Let’s go look.’ They walked down the cold – not even cool, but cold – stairs. Janet opened the door. She half expected monsters to grab her and rip out her bowels, or a sawed-off shotgun to be stuck in her face followed by being duct-taped to a stacking chair. But instead she found Lloyd and Gayle inside the pink jail cell looking very cross indeed.

  ‘It’s about time you shitheads came back. Do you have any idea the amount of trouble you’re in now? Any?’

  ‘Be quiet,’ Janet said. ‘We found your goodies hidden under the metal plate in the garage.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yeah, “Oh” is right,’ said Janet.

  Gayle asked, ‘Who’s this guy, then?’

  ‘This is my friend Florian, and he’s a thousand times richer than you small-timers, so be humble in his presence.’

  Florian turned to Lloyd and Gayle. ‘A million times richer, in fact.’ He then turned his body and lectured them severely. ‘You silly twits. You went and paid for the Full Meal Deal, I hear. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Donor mothers always turn on you in the end. How much were you going to pay for Janet’s grandchild?’

  Lloyd shrugged. ‘Fifty K.’

  ‘And what were you going to sell it for?’

  Lloyd was about to speak, but Gayle cut him off with bravado: ‘A half million.’

  ‘Who buys them?’

  ‘You should see the list.’

  Janet said, ‘We have.’

  Florian turned to Janet. ‘Janet, the pink color in this room is making my nipples turn tender. Let’s go back upstairs.’

  Heading upstairs from the dungeon and the undignified cries of Lloyd and Gayle, Florian said, ‘Well, Janet, you can see how much cleaner my own business model is. The Lloyds and Gayles of this world will be out of business in no time.’ They looked up in time to see Wade, Nickie and Ted walk in the front door.

  27

  The sky had been darkening as Wade, Ted and Nickie drove to Daytona Beach with the windows rolled up. Wade had felt as if he were in a mobile sarcophagus, and that death really was the fourth passenger. The A/C was on, the air-recycling button switched on, too. Wade had felt the air becoming increasingly full of death particles – from their lungs and their scalps and their skin. He rolled down a window a crack. His father’s skin was pale and waxy; Nickie’s veins were bulging, pulsing with kryptonite.

  None of them had spoken. They arrived at the house, parked and walked up to the door, which was slightly ajar.

  It was all Wade could do to keep his cool when he found Florian and his mother in the dimly lit living room. He switched the lights up briefly, but Florian gestured for him to lower them again. ‘The decor, Wade. Look for yourself.’

  ‘Hey, Florian. Good eye job.’

  ‘Yes, hello, Wade, old chap.’

  Ted and Nickie, drained and tarnished, trailed in behind Wade.

  ‘… and this must be Ted and Nickie.’

  A stiffly formal round of introductions followed. Wade plopped himself onto a living room sofa. ‘I’m riding a burnout wave. They come and go.’ His pill buzzer buzzed, and he leaned his head back, sucked in air, and said, ‘I have no idea what I’m supposed to take right now.’

  ‘You’re pooped?’ Ted sank into a piece of furniture, as did the others.

  ‘Guess what, Florian,’ said Wade. ‘All of us are terminal.’ As his father had done earlier, Wade hummed the funeral dirge.

  ‘You’re no such thing,’ said Florian. ‘And how vulgar of you to try and shock me merely for effect. Your mother brought you up better than that – didn’t you, Janet?’

  Janet was rubbing her temples and didn’t reply.

  Ted asked Florian, ‘Did you get your letter?’

  ‘I did,’ said Florian.

  Ted asked Janet, ‘How much did he pay?’

  Janet said, ‘He didn’t pay anything, Ted. Charging him money didn’t seem right.’

  ‘It didn’t seem right?’

  ‘Ted, Florian is my friend, and I didn’t want to muck up our friendship with money.’

  ‘Janet,’ said Florian, ‘you are too, too valiant, but don’t fret. I’ll pay a hundred thousand for it – but Canadian dollars, not U.S.’

  ‘Gee, thanks,’ said Ted.

  ‘Take it or leave it.’

  ‘Yeah, OK, we’ll take it.’

  ‘Good,’ said Florian. ‘I’ll have my minions deliver it to you tomorrow morning.’

  ‘Yeah. Sure. Whatever.’

  Wade had expected a gloriously messy drama, but instead he felt as if he’d just sold an ’89 Trans Am through the want ads. ‘Are those two vampires still locked up downstairs?’

  ‘They’re bored and cranky,’ Janet said. She looked as though she had news to tell but was thinking better of it. She changed the subject. ‘Florian, Wade once worked for you. What did he actually do? Whenever we’ve brought up the subject he goes mute.’

  ‘Wade’s velvety bum used to transport me to the Milky Way every night.’

  ‘Florian! That’s not true and you know it.’

  ‘Testy young lad. Compose yourself.’ Florian looked at the others in the room. ‘Mostly young Wade smuggled in samples for my lab – endangered or threatened species. The biggest load he brought in was a shipping container full of Pacific yew trees.’ He looked pointedly at Wade. ‘You little lumberjack you.’ He resumed speaking to the room. ‘I needed the bark for tamoxifen, a breast cancer drug. He also smuggled in dolphins for use in cancer trials.’

  ‘They use dolphins in cancer trials?’ Nickie was jolted.

  ‘Of course, dear. Nasty, nasty little beasts. They’d mug you, and rape you, and take your handbag inside of three seconds if they thought they could. The tuna industry is doing us a large favor.’

  ‘You’re joking.’

  ‘Wade, by the way, is actually a very good employee. Sometimes his jobs were, of necessity, messy, but he never once complained. On the other hand, I did pay him well, but what did he do in the end? He left me for a … baseball wife.’

  Wade said, ‘Remember the time Eddy’s Chris-Craft full of codeine scraped out its bottom on the coral bordering Wilhelmina’s lagoon. Her whole dolphin pod went into catatonic euphoria.’

  ‘That mad cow. She still tortures me about that every time we play backgammon in that living room of hers – so many museum-grade Jasper Johns paintings turning to cheesecloth on the walls. All that salt air.’ He sighed.

  ‘Is Eddy still around?’

  ‘Eddy’s gone to a better place, Wade. Courtesy of a band of pirates out of Santo Domingo who wanted his boatload of Samsung electronics products. Take consolation in knowing that his skeleton will be just the ticket to start a spiffy little coral reef.’

  Wade and Florian settled into reminiscences; Janet went over to speak with Ted and Nickie. After some minutes, out of the corner of his eyes, Wade saw his father and stepmother suddenly glow from within – a simple peaceful wave of light passing through them. Meanwhile Florian yammered away: ‘… but of course the old frog never spoke to me again after we accidentally dropped the Trinitron out of the Cessna and onto that old private runway – the Bahamian government bulldozed it just after you left, you know – and I do stress the word “accident”. Apparently his brother-in-law made a night landing and his tire hit the TV, and he lost four thousand Monte Cristo cigars all over the runway. He should have his stomach stapled and lose fifty pounds, if you ask me.’

  Ted and Nickie interrupted them, holding hands and smiling like teen sweethearts. ‘We’re going to go out for a walk and suck in some fresh air,’ said Ted.

  They both winked at Florian. Nickie said, ‘Thank you,’ and so did Ted.

 
; ‘Oh,’ said Wade. ‘OK.’ They have a secret.

  ‘We’ll be back in an hour or so.’ And with that, they were gone.

  Florian looked at Janet, who nodded. Wade began to feel excluded from the inner circle. ‘Oh yeah – what about Howie, then?’

  ‘He’s fine,’ Janet said.

  ‘Where is he?’

  ‘He’s busy right now.’

  ‘Doing what?’

  Florian said, ‘Howie is enjoying hot passionate sex with Cissy Ntombe, lately of Mubende, Uganda. They’re in the trailer out front of the house if you want to go have a peek.’

  ‘I believe you.’ Wade paused for a second. ‘So he’s cheating on Sarah and Alanna.’

  ‘Very much so, but forget about that. Wade,’ said his mother. ‘I have unusual news.’

  ‘You do?’ To Wade, unusual news equaled bad news.

  ‘Yes, but it’s good news.’

  But Janet didn’t have a chance to relay any sort of news. The front door shot open like a reality-based TV crime program. Home invasion? Good Lord – it was Bryan and Shw, guns in hand. Shw shrieked out, ‘OK, gang, I’m in charge here.’

  Wade said, ‘Bryan, what the hell is this? Drop those guns. You’ll hurt someone.’

  Shw turned to Wade. ‘I said I’m the one in charge, you sleazy vagabond.’

  ‘Bryan, tell her to—’

  Crack!

  Shw shot the ceiling, taking out a globe lamp. Wade, admiring her marksmanship, hopped back. Shw shrieked again, ‘Quiet!’

  Janet said, ‘Bryan, this is utter nonsense.’

  Shw was still furious that nobody was addressing her.

  ‘Don’t you people learn?’ She shot out the central bulb in the chandelier.

  ‘Ooh. We’re so scared,’ said Florian.

  ‘No sarcasm from you, you shit-for-brains corporate gene pimp.’

  Janet said, ‘Mind your language, young lady.’

  Florian said, ‘So this little intrusion is about my day job, I see.’

  Shw said, ‘Yeah, it is. I just about freaked when Bryan told me who you were. You sell half the pills on earth, and God only knows what genetic nightmares you’re brewing in Switzerland or whatever circle of hell you come from.’