It’s Not Home Without You: A Homecoming Novel #1

by C. Lymari

  “See you later, kiddo.”

  “Bye, Grandpa.” I kissed his cheek and got out of the car. The first thing I saw was Rusty with Max.

  Damn, I couldn’t get a break from this guy.

  It was too late for me to turn around and wave Grandpa over. I would look like a coward. Squaring my shoulders, I pretended to strut down the driveway like I was Queen B.

  Max’s gaze felt heavy on my skin. I tried not to think about it; instead, I focused on my strut. It was safe to say I wouldn’t be making Beyoncé proud anytime soon.

  “Hey guys,” I greeted with a smile. Both Max and Rusty gave each other a side glance. “I have a few things to go over with Jana. Bye.”

  “Freya, can I talk to you for a second?” Max took a step toward me. I looked pleadingly at Rusty, but he put his hands up in surrender and went inside the house.

  Traitor.

  Max grabbed my elbow and dragged me to the side of the house, right next to his car. I turned to look back to see if someone would come to my rescue. Rusty was pulling Jana back to stop her from peeking out the window.

  So much for helping me.

  Max didn’t stop dragging me until we were standing in front of the hood of his car. Yeah, the previous time we started in this position, Max ended up with his pants on the floor. The last time we made love was on the hood of his car.

  “You know when you said we’d be civil, I figured we’d ignore each other,” I joked.

  Max opened his mouth, but before he spoke, his phone rang. “Leave it,” he clipped out. “Abbi, I said to leave it alone,” he barked. “I’m tired of this conversation. I told you to trust me.” I took a step back, and that was a mistake because my butt pressed against the car. I had nowhere else to go. Max’s eyes flared, noticing my movement. “I’ll call you back.“ When he hung up, he took a deep breath and loosened his tie.

  When Max took a step toward me, he trapped me between him and the car.

  Even if I could move, I didn’t think I wanted to.

  “You sent a fucking check?” His eyes were burning, and I could almost taste the rage that was rolling off him. I could see the strain on his face. It cost him to keep it together; no one was that still. I was about to open my mouth and tell him ‘damn right I sent a check,' but he didn’t let me speak.

  “Fuck, Freya.” He ran a hand over his face, trying hard not to lose it. “You think I don’t fucking hate you? Do you think I enjoy walking into town and seeing you? The sight of you causes me pain.”

  I knew I said I wanted him to hate me, but hearing him say those words ripped my heart.

  “You know how hard it was to move on? I saw you in every single thing I did and all the woman I slept with, and it was never enough because they never compared. None of them were you. Your fucking ghost kept following me everywhere I went. It haunted me. And when I finally get my shit together, when for the first time I stopped seeing you in everything I did and the thought of picturing my life without you didn’t scare me, you fucking come back. Every time I see you, Freya, it burns. I can’t fucking breathe. It feels like I’m suffocating, and the worst part is that I fucking like it. That burn I feel every time I see you serves as a reminder that you’re back. That you're real.”

  A sob tore through me, making Max’s eyes zero in on my lips. In one swift move, he had me in his arms. Max’s forehead rested on top of my own, his nose gliding down my cheek. We were so close to each other, but the years of running had finally caught up. I felt the warmth of his breath on my cheek, his soft lips leaving featherlight kisses on my jaw. Why couldn’t I move? I felt alive at this moment, and I knew his lips on my skin was a luxury.

  A luxury I couldn’t have anymore.

  “Why can’t I forget you, Freya?” he croaked. “Why are you still so deep in there?”

  “Don’t.” The words left my lips before I had time to process why I even said them. Max was about to kiss me. If he did that, it would ruin me.

  “You don’t get to say anything, Max.” I pushed him off me, getting much-needed space to breathe. “Yes, I left, but you, Max, you let me go.”

  He slammed his hand on the hood of his car, making me flinch.

  “You fucking left with someone else, Freya. You picked someone else over me! Tell me how the fuck did you expect me to go after you when you left town with someone who wasn’t me? While I was working my ass off for our future, ready to throw away my legacy for you, you were with someone else.” The agony in his voice broke me. “I lived for your smiles and the way you clung to me at night when we sat outside your trailer watching the stars. At seventeen, I knew you were it for me… Still, you left with him.”

  I couldn’t hold it in. Not anymore.

  “It was a lie, Max. It was the only way I knew you would let me go.” My voice was soft; it took everything in me to reveal the truth. Maybe I should’ve told him everything, but it was too late now. Max belonged to someone else. A piece of lost history would not change that. He said it himself, he was ready to move on with his life. What happened if I told him and it changed nothing?

  Max got in his car, slamming the door. I stayed in the driveway, watching him drive away. I stood there until his car was nothing but a dot on the horizon. Numbly, I walked into Rusty and Jana’s house, both were sitting on the sofa pretending like they hadn’t been spying on us.

  “Are you okay?” Jana tried getting up, but her very pregnant belly was giving her difficulty.

  I shook my head. “I’m going back to San Francisco.”

  “What? Because of Max? What did that son of a bitch do?” Rusty, unlike his wife, jumped up. “You can’t leave, Gabby. I just got you back, and my daughter will be born soon. I will need you.”

  As Rusty ranted, Jana gave me a soft smile and wobbled out of the room.

  Weird.

  “You don’t need me, Rusty. You have Jana.” I took a step toward him. I’d known Rusty a long time; it wasn’t often that he freaked out. As soon as I opened my arms for a hug, he was crushing me to his body.

  “A few months after you left, I found out I would have a kid.”

  I gasped, but I didn’t dare jump to any conclusions. Instead, I hugged Rusty a little tighter, letting him know I was here.

  “I wasn’t with her. It was on and off. Mostly off. I got my hopes up, Freya. I got to the point where I could see it happening. Then Bethany called me saying she took care of the problem.”

  “Oh God,” I whispered, my heart breaking for him.

  “She got rid of my kid, calling it a problem. How am I supposed to be a good father when—”

  “That wasn’t your fault, Rusty. You will be an amazing father. You were the best brother anyone could ever wish for. You are kind, caring, and loving. Your little girl will be so lucky to have you as a father.” Tears were falling down my face, but I couldn’t help it. Rusty would be an amazing dad. If I ever saw Bethany again, I knew I’d be spending time in jail. The chief liked me. I was sure he’d go easy on me.

  “Thanks, Gabs. I needed to hear that.” Rusty kissed the top of my head.

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you when you needed me.” I said and the rest just spilled. “I’m sorry for not telling you I would leave. I…I just couldn’t do it Rust. I couldn’t look into your eyes and lie to you. You and Grampa are my family, you’re all I’ve ever had to rely on. I know I give you shit for not inviting me to your wedding, but the truth is I know the one to blame is me.”

  “It’s okay Gab’s. You’re here now, we’ll make it right again. You can’t leave, or else you give up your godmother rights.”

  I left his arms smiling. “Really? Like really, really? You will not take it back and give it to one of Jana’s second cousins twice removed?”

  “I heard that!” was yelled from the kitchen where Jana was standing with tears in her eyes.

  “Only if you stay,” Rusty said.

  “That’s blackmail.”

  “Not to me.”

  “I’m going back to
San Francisco,” I said. “But I’m coming back. I need to get a few things in order.”

  Rusty hugged me again, and over his shoulder, I saw Jana smile at me. Whatever problems we face, we would always be Freya and Rusty. He was Jana’s, but that didn’t mean he would stop being there for me and me for him.

  By the time Rusty took me to the coffee shop, I had forgotten the possibility of Emma being mad at me for ditching her, and her financial problems seemed easier to manage. I guess I worked well under drama. I also realized that the smell of coffee grounds smelled like home. Shit, maybe it wasn’t even the smell but just the place, being here with family and friends.

  When I walked in, Emma was up to the wall with people. I guess everyone was getting their caffeine fix before they got ready for the homecoming game. Q and Jess had the day off, which meant it was Emma and me.

  Shit.

  “Hello to the loveliest, most awesome boss ever.”

  “I’m not your boss,” Emma said as she made an expresso.

  “So, on a scale of I won’t fire you to I never want to see you set foot in my shop again, how much do you hate me?” I asked as I handed a three-year-old a cupcake. Not to judge his dad’s parenting, but I didn’t think it was a good idea to give him a chocolate cupcake covered in chocolate icing. That just said trouble.

  Emma gave me the silent treatment. It wasn’t hard to do since we were busy.

  “Do you want me to leave?” I asked once we were alone. “I’m sorry for overstepping.” I went to grab my purse, feeling ashamed. All I wanted was for Emma to seize her chance at love, not for her to hate me. I wanted her to have what I had lost.

  “Dammit, I can’t do it. I can’t stay mad.” Emma fisted her hands. “That was shitty. You left me there with him. After I punched him!”

  “Did it suck?” When she didn’t immediately answer, I pursed my lips to stop myself from smiling.

  “That’s not the point.” She waved her arms in the air. “You didn’t ask me.”

  “You would have said no.”

  “I wouldn’t have.”

  I stared at her, crossed my arms, and waited.

  “Okay, I would have. Next time you set Dex and me on a date, at least warn me first.”

  “Are you saying you’re open to another date? I can pass the word along,” I teased.

  Emma threw coffee grounds at me. Despite the easiness of our conversation, I still felt tense. I knew it had to do with knowing her business was failing.

  “Max stopped by.” Emma handed me a mocha coffee. I had to give it to her, she had a talent for knowing what kind of drink you needed. Chocolate and caffeine worked best when they were together.

  “Max always stops by,” I added nonchalantly.

  Emma pointed to the blackboard. If she thought it was worth mentioning, I prepared myself to read the words he had written.

  Be careful with your words. Once they are said, they can only be forgiven not forgotten. I knew what Max was talking about. He was talking about that freaking note I left him.

  “You want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head. “He’s engaged to Abigail of all people. There’s nothing to talk about.”

  Emma hugged me while we pretended that the words on the blackboard weren’t haunting me and I acted like I didn’t know her secret. Today was not a good day.

  * * *

  “Wow, who is that?” Emma was swooning, and she never swooned. I was cleaning mugs when I looked up to see who had Emma drooling.

  The cup in my hands fell and shattered. I guess it was for the best. It was like the universe was doing me a solid before I could throw it across the room at Ashton’s face. All the time we were together, not once did he ever visit me at work. He didn’t bring me lunch. Do you know what he would do? He sent me flowers. All. The. Time. Now that we were over, it was like he couldn’t get enough of me. He even came across the country for me.

  Unbelievable.

  I tried to see Ashton through Emma’s eyes, and I guess he was swoon-worthy. Brown hair with a tint of red, lean, fit, green eyes, and a sharp jaw. On the outside, Ashton was a catch, but to make a relationship work, it took more than a pretty face. Why didn’t he get that some lovely words would not change my mind? Beautiful words weren’t enough to hide the emptiness that was our relationship. Sometimes we latched on to people because some attention was better than no affection. Grasping at straws, I led myself into a relationship that would never work. I guess that was what happened when you were a ghost; you didn’t need much to make it work since you weren’t even there.

  “What are you doing here, Ashton?” I asked as I swept up the broken mug.

  My ex-boyfriend stopped at the counter his hands inside the pockets of his jeans. “I missed you, Freya.” His voice was sincere. “Can we talk? Please.”

  I was about to say no, but I had a feeling he would keep insisting, and there were things I had to tell him.

  “Yeah, that’s fine.” I got out to sit at a table with him, but he shook his head.

  “I made reservations tomorrow at seven, at that little restaurant across the street.”

  I wanted to roll my eyes. Franny’s wasn’t a little restaurant; it was the fanciest one in town.

  “Sure,” I said, annoyed it was so like him to make plans, not caring if I could do it or not. Both Emma and I watched him leave. The few people who passed by him stared, but that was Ash, he commanded attention.

  “That was your boyfriend? Why’d you let him go? He’s dreamy.” Emma stood on her Chuck-covered tiptoes to watch Ashton cross the street.

  I turned around, resting my back on the counter. “He was fucking his secretary on our couch.”

  “Oh... wow. Did you walk in on him?”

  “Yep, the skank was wearing my shoes. I had so many it was hard to keep track. When I couldn’t find an item, I figured I lost it somewhere it in all the mess. I was wrong; the bastard let all his other women take my shit.”

  “Why is he still breathing?” Emma grumbled.

  I laughed. If only she knew.

  29

  Freya

  Sometimes in life, you must do things that hurt you, and sitting across from my ex-boyfriend while I ignored a perfectly good dinner would hurt me.

  No pain, no gain.

  Twirling around I checked myself out in the mirror. I looked good. I looked better than good. I looked fucking fantastic. The white, long-sleeved bodycon dress looked amazing against my skin. It was like a second skin and made my ass look fabulous. The tan wedges were cute and not too painful on my feet. I thought about taking the truck, but I was sure I’d end up with dirt smudges. Besides, Grandpa wanted to visit Rusty’s pop, so Rusty was dropping me off, that way Grandpa got to keep the car.

  “You look nice. This have anything to do with the outsider who’s staying at Lee’s bed-and-breakfast?” See, in small towns, nothing was a secret for long. The weather was gloomy. I hoped it didn’t rain. It would mess with my outfit.

  “It’s not what you think,” I said as I got in the truck.

  “Not your fancy boyfriend coming to get you back?”

  “It’s more complicated than that.” Rusty didn’t tell me about his wedding. I didn’t have to tell him about Ashton.

  Sue me, I might never get over him getting married without me.

  * * *

  Franny’s was just like I remembered it, old and outdated but it smelled divine. They still covered the tables in burgundy and cream cloths with a candle in the center. It was charming. Max used to bring me there all the time. We also sat in the last booth away from everybody else. I had to fight the urge to look at our spot.

  It wasn’t our anything anymore.

  As soon as Ashton saw me, he got up. “You look beautiful, Freya. I hope you don’t mind, but I went ahead and ordered for us.”

  He grabbed my chair and pulled it back so that I could take a seat. Ashton was a gentleman, just not where it counted. Real gentleman didn’t cheat. Guess no one told
him that.

  “Can we please stop with the bullshit, Ashton? I’m tired, I left, and I burned all the things you gave me. What do you want from me? Haven’t you humiliated me enough? Can we call it even and be done?”

  Ashton took a sip of his water before he answered me. “I’m sorry, gorgeous.”

  I used to think I was special when Ashton called me gorgeous. It made me feel something more than the emptiness I carried with me. Except right now it irritated me.

  “You’re sorry or sorry you got caught? Because it didn’t seem like you were sorry when Vivian was bent over our couch screaming for you to fuck her harder,” I spat. The rage I felt that day was coming back.

  “I made a mistake, Freya.” He reached across the table to take my hand. “I love you, gorgeous.“

  When you had abandonment issues, feeling desired felt good. It made you forget for a second the hurt you felt when someone left, but eventually that soothing feeling faded and the empty ache was still there.

  “When you love someone, you don’t cheat on them. There isn’t room for anyone else in the relationship because your heart is already full. When you love someone, you don’t hurt them, because hurting them hurts you. Every decision you make is with the other person in mind. You’d do everything for their dreams to come true, even if it means sacrificing your own.” My tone was soft but firm, getting my point across. Ashton was quiet, and that was when I felt the heat at my back. Stupidly, I turned, my eyes automatically going to the table in the corner.

  They say time heals all wounds, but in my case, I felt like time just ripped them open again. I blinked twice, trying to tell myself that I was losing it. There was no way Max was sitting with Abigail in our spot. When our eyes locked, it felt like we were the only two people in the room.

  Nothing mattered except the two of us.

  Except that wasn’t true, not anymore.

  All those feeling we had for each other, he now had for someone else, and it wasn’t his fault, and it wasn’t her fault. Hell, it wasn’t even my fault. When you loved someone, you’d do anything for them, and I had. So, I looked at Max one more time, and I promised myself I would let him go.