“Damn bag, why do I buy them so big?” she complained to herself.
“I always wondered that too.”
She shuddered, startled by the familiar tone. She looked up to see Jake’s pained expression stare down at her from his powerful frame.
“Jake,” she said casually, but inside her heart had stopped. “How was Katie?” she finally asked bitterly, tightening her hold around her keys.
“Jess,” he breathed, and he was in front of her in one long stride, cradling her face in his hands.
For a fleeting moment, she almost succumbed to him. Then everything he had said to her that day replayed in her head. Firmly, she placed her hand on his chest, stopping him from doing what he had in mind. She could feel his breath sweep across her face, and she almost reached up to kiss him.
“Go home, Jake!” she pleaded with him as the tears drained from her eyes. “I’m hurt, and right now I can’t forgive you,” she said, biting down on her lip. “Just give me time,” she sighed before she backed away from his touch, walked inside to the warmth of her apartment, and turned to look back at him. “I will see you at work, Jake.”
Maybe it was for the best. At least now she didn’t have to tell him she was sick.
Well, that was how she comforted herself when she woke that night in a cold sweat. She reached over to the other side of the bed, forgetting he wasn’t there. She gasped helplessly, searching over the empty ice-cold bed sheets. He wasn’t there to hold her, or to make her feel safe.
He wasn’t there.
Her breathing became hysterical as she clung to the sheets.
“Jake,” she whispered, repeating his name until her tears soaked the satin pillow slip and her sobs became screams in her attempts to call out for him.
But, of course, he couldn’t hear her.
Chapter Eighteen
Jessica felt agitated Monday morning lying on her sofa. Her eyes were heavy, swollen, and brimmed red. When she looked at herself in the full-length mirror, she sighed inwardly at the state of her appearance. Sleep had only come to her in waves, washing over her tired body in outbursts.
She had dreamt about Jake for the time she did sleep. It was so real she could feel his touch along her skin and his breath against her cheeks. The reality of the dream didn’t help though, because when she woke, only a cold, empty spot occupied her thoughts until she finally cried herself back to sleep; somewhat two hours later.
Deep inside, she wanted to tell him she was sick. She wanted him with her today, going for the scan, but he had gone through it with his mother. He had seen her get sicker and sicker every day until she finally gave in.
Jessica would not let him go through it again. She couldn’t hurt him.
She had called Sophie at the office and told her she would not be in today. Acting out the fake sneezes and the odd, painful sniffle she said, “sorry Sophie, but would you be able to tell Mr. Johnson, or”-she swallowed and bit down on her dry, chapped lip-“Mr. Williams I will not be in today. I’m not feeling the best.”
“No problem. I hope you are feeling better soon,” Sophie said sympathetically.
Yeah, I hope I am too. She thought to herself before she ended the call.
She swallowed the tough lump forming in the back of her throat and focused her eyes on the talk show lively playing on the television screen. She didn’t want to think of the way her stomach was churning and decorating itself with massive knots.
It was Monday.
Great, she thought to herself.
Another doctor’s appointment, another smelly hospital, and yet another day in the life of Jessica Connors. Lord, she hoped things wouldn’t get much worse because her coping skills were faltering. She felt like climbing under a massive rock and not coming out until everything was just the way it was three months ago.
Her life was fine then. She wasn’t sick; she didn’t have a man.
It didn’t bother her until Jake came marching into her life with all guns blazing, showing her exactly what it was like to have a man touch her again. And how she loved it. At least she was honest enough to admit it to herself. She wasn’t ashamed of the fact that Jake made her body do unpredictable things when he was around her.
Jessica never knew time could go so slow. She tried to doze on the sofa for an hour to pass the time. But she didn’t sleep. Instead, the ticking of the clock began sounding as if tiny explosions were erupting through her living room. She carried herself lazily to the bathroom, removed her old sweatpants and baggy jumper she wore going around the apartment, and turned on the shower. Thankfully, the balmy water relaxed her aching muscles.
Pity it couldn’t do the same for her heart.
As she massaged the cherry shampoo into her scalp in slow and soothing motions, she let the aroma burst through her senses in a soft pour. Letting her eyes close for a moment, she removed her face from the heavy sprinkles of water and let them caress over her shoulders and down her back in silky movements. As she did, she felt her eyes fill with tears, heavy tears of loneliness. Helplessly, she leaned her back against the cold tiles of the shower, shivering as the icy drops left from the steam cradled along her spine. She tried to wipe them away from her already wet cheeks, but fresh ones fell in their place.
How did she get here? How did she let herself get so involved? Jessica closed her eyes for another long moment and let her sobs control her body as she slid down the shower wall and onto the floor, letting the water from overhead drown out her tears in complete defeat.
She thought of his eyes moving up and down her body. They were like dark chocolate; they were so brown. But they had a hint of gold in them when he looked down at her from his strong, tall frame. His muscular body made her feel like she was on fire with just a single glance, and his smile made her feel like there was nobody else in the world he cared about. Remembering his touch made her gasp there and then.
“Stop doing this to yourself.”
Her eyes shot open.
Jessica dried her hair and just about satisfied with her appearance she slipped her feet into her shoes, shuffled her arms into her black jacket, and wrapped her purple woolly scarf around her neck. It was 1.15 p.m., and it was a twenty-minute drive to the hospital, and considering the lunchtime traffic, she needed to get a move on.
Half an hour later, with the sound of honkers buzzing in her ears, she pulled up outside the hospital. Nervous and anxious, she strolled into the large building through the automatic glass doors. She took the elevator to the third floor, where her doctor’s office was located.
She ran her fingers through her loose curls and massaged the bridge of her nose where a headache was forming. She was sure it was due to the stress. Had she not learned from before, that in her life, when it rained, it poured, and then a whole thunderstorm followed, maybe even a hurricane.
In the past, she had always held on and fought through everything thrown at her. But right now, she wasn’t so sure she could get through it.
That’s because you need to tell somebody. A small voice rang at the back of her mind.
She huffed loudly, turning towards the large oak desk where an elderly nurse stood patiently behind it.
Yes, that voice was quite right. She needed to tell somebody. Jessica didn’t have to go through this alone, and she had plenty of loving people around her who would be more than willing to help. She sighed inwardly, making the conscious decision to tell someone. Anybody but Jake, of course.
“Hello love, what can I do for you today?” The grinning, small, grey-haired receptionist beamed from across the desk.
“Hi.” Jessica smiled back at her kindly. “I have an appointment with Doctor Harris.”
The elderly lady smiled and gave a brief nod before she went to go through a pile of many brown folders.
“Oh dear,” she laughed, turning back to look at Jessica. “I forgot to ask your name.” She blushed.
“Jessica Connors.”
“Here we go,” she said, pulling out Jessica’s fol
der. “Take a seat, and Doctor Harris will be with you in a moment.”
Jessica smiled gratefully before she took a seat on the blue cushioned sofa opposite the desk. She was the only patient there in the wide, spacious, and intimidating waiting room. Impatiently, she flicked through a few fashion magazines and read one or two articles, but none of them sunk in. Her mind was elsewhere at that moment, feeding her with even more nerve-wracking tingles throughout her body.
“Jessica?”
Her head popped up to see Doctor Harris’ small frame standing over her. She hadn’t even heard him coming.
“Would you like to come with me?” he asked, smiling so that his wobbly jaws turned upwards, making his eyes squint into what looked like tiny jewels.
“Of course.”
“Ultrasound is just this way. I am sure you want to get this over and done with, so we can discuss your decision down there.” He opened the door to a small room with a white leather bed and computer screen standing in the middle. There was no window, just a dim light shining from the ceiling.
“Pop up here.” He patted the bed as he skimmed through her file. She removed her coat and scarf and placed them on a chair in the corner before pulling her body onto the cold bed. Jessica took a deep breath, inhaling the fresh and clean smell of the room as he placed the folder on the table and looked down at her. “You look tired, Jessica.” He searched her face. “How have you been feeling?”
“I didn’t get much sleep last night. It must have been nerves,” she explained, leaving out the real reason she had not slept. “And apart from the headaches and nausea, things have been good. Nothing too serious.” She smiled gently.
“I sense you are not one to complain, Jessica.” He eyed her. “This scan is just so we can compare to previous ultrasounds. You will still need your MRI before we can proceed with any treatment. Though, it is only precautionary. Your biopsy showed no positive margins. But don’t worry. We will take good care of you here at the hospital.”
“I know,” she murmured in fear her voice would break. She watched as he switched on the machine and it hummed to life. He fiddled with a few buttons before he turned to look at her.
“I know this is hard for you.” He locked his fingers together. “But have you decided about treatment? I can only advise. The decision is yours.”
Jessica swallowed away the fear and tears travelling to her eyes. She needed to be brave. Weakness was not an option.
“Yes,” she answered firmly, her voice letting on she was more confident than what she felt. “I still think a hysterectomy is the best option.” She nodded her head, confirming her choice not only to the doctor but to herself.
“Well, I know it will stop you from ever giving birth, but it will be the most accurate, and hopefully we will remove all the cancer, and there are so many other ways of becoming a parent,” he told her before giving her a gentle, supportive smile. “You are a very strong young woman,” he complimented.
She didn’t feel strong. It was all a front with her. Inside, she was emotionally dying. Jessica bit down on her lip and nodded her head.
“I can only do my best,” she answered.
“Very true,” he agreed, picking up a plastic bottle full of blue gel. After unbuttoning her jeans and lowering them in just the slightest, she lifted her shirt so he could do the scan.
She winced as the cold blue gel met her bare skin. Then he lifted what Jessica remembered from biology class as being a transducer probe and pressed it against the lower part of her stomach.
This was the part in the movies when they tell them how bad it is. Well, this didn’t feel like a movie to Jessica. Nope, this was as real as she was going to get it.
He pressed it harder for a long moment, moving it around until satisfied.
“Here we go,” he trailed off, his small eyes narrowing on the screen.
He took a swift, deep breath and pressed harder against her stomach. She flinched as the pressure made her want to burst. Did he forget she had to have a full bladder for this ultrasound? Well, if he didn’t ease off on the pressure, he was going to be cleaning up after a very unpleasant accident.
“Oh my,” he breathed, pressing even harder, and the entire colour drained from her cheeks.
“What is it?” She asked, swallowing away the lump of complete terror. “Is it worse than what you thought?”
He sat there for what seemed forever, staring at the image on the monitor. He looked down at her, releasing the pressure from her stomach, and wiped away the gel. His entire face looked like it cemented into a shocked expression.
“Doctor Harris?” she begged before he looked back at the screenshot he had taken.
“Please, Jessica, I think you should sit up,” he advised. “I need to talk to you.”
Slowly, she buttoned her jeans and pulled her top back over her bare skin, sitting up to look at his worried eyes.
“I’m guessing you don’t know about this,” he spoke mainly to himself.
“Jessica, have you experienced anything odd going on with your body lately? Sickness, maybe?” he questioned. “Not being able to keep down anything you ate?” He listed the options.
“A little,” she spoke reluctantly. “Maybe once or twice, but nothing that stands out. I get nausea quite a lot, but you explained that’s natural,” she answered anxiously.
What the hell was going on?
“Of course,” he said under his breath.
“Doctor Harris?”
“Jessica, just now, during the scan, I noticed,” he stuttered, taking a deep breath to gather his thoughts. “I am going to have to say this straight out.”
“Then do it.”
“Jessica, you’re pregnant.”
She sat there, motionless for a moment, and stared at him, confused. So terribly confused.
A tiny gasp of air escaped through her lips.
“I’m sorry? I’m what?” she blurted, feeling her stomach boil.
“You’re pregnant,” he repeated cautiously, staring at her as if she had just turned into another species. Or was that fear in his eyes?
“But… But… I didn’t even think it was possible.”
She bit down on her lip as her eyes widened. She didn’t even know what she was asking or thinking. He had to be wrong. There was no way she was pregnant. She couldn’t be.
“Jessica, I said you couldn’t get pregnant after the treatment, not before. The cancer is there, but you can still get pregnant. Nothing is stopping it from occurring. Have you any idea of when your last period was?”
“I don’t know. It’s the reason I went to get my smear test. My periods were so irregular.”
And she just sat there feeling emotionless for a few moments. What was she supposed to say? How was she supposed to feel?
“Oh my God.” She finally found words in Christ. A single tear trailing down her cheek as her hand shot over her mouth, muffling her sounds. She wasn’t even religious.
“Jessica, you need to calm down, because this is crucial. I don’t mean to be rude, but do you know the father?” Doctor Harris questioned; his voice concerned.
Of course, she knew the father. There was no one else it could have been. She had not been with anyone else but Jake.
Oh God, here came the hurricane.
All she could do was shake her head robotically in response to his question.
“How do you think the father would react to this?”
She just stared up at him, feeling numb.
“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “He loves children.”
He had admitted to her he wanted children someday, but all he had to do was find the one worth fighting for. And if she were to go by and trust what he had said in the hotel just two nights ago, then she was the one worth fighting for. He wanted her children.
“Jessica, according to the scan, you are about 7 weeks pregnant. You have to understand that to go ahead with a hysterectomy or any kind of treatment you will have to have a termination,�
�� he explained, taking her hand in his gentle touch.
“No,” she exasperated, her eyes wide and furious. “I can’t,” she cried.
She couldn’t terminate her baby. She had just received the chance of something she thought was being taken away from her, and he wanted her to get rid of her baby.
“Can’t you do the operation after I give birth?” She heard something like that happening before.
“Jessica, I don’t know how fast this is going to spread. If it travels too far during the pregnancy, there is nothing I can do for you when the baby is born,” he told her.
“But will the baby survive through it?”
“Your cancer, for now, is contained in the cervix. So yes, it’s possible to give birth, but please Jessica, you must think seriously about this. The cancer is small enough for me to remove now. I can’t promise that in seven months.” His face seemed permanently stuck in worry mode. “This might be the only chance you have at life.”
“It might be the only chance I have to give life,” she corrected him.
“But what if something were to happen to you after the birth? Where will the baby go?”
She wiped away the endless tears streaming down her face, sniffing as the sobs shook through her body.
“I think I need to talk to Jake. He is the father. I need to speak to him before I decide.”
Rubbing her flat stomach, Jessica didn’t think she would have the strength to get rid of the life of her child in trade for her own, but if Jake was not willing to be a part of the baby’s life if something were to happen to her, then there was no point leaving her child an orphan. And for all she knew, Jake could have wanted absolutely nothing to do with her.
She wanted him there with her now; to hold her and to tell her everything was going to work out fine.
“With all due respect, Jessica, I don’t think he will let you risk your own life for that of an unborn child.”
She took a deep breath before speaking.
“He doesn’t know I’m sick,” she told him, watching as his small eyes grew bigger. “And he won’t. All I want to know is if he wants a baby with me or not. That will do me fine,” Jessica said firmly.
Watch Over My Life: Emotional Love Story (What Will Be Book Series) Page 15
