“Oh, nothing,” Jenna smiled. “I’m just tired.” She took a sip of her coffee.
Keeley studied Jenna for a second and noticed faint bags under her eyes. Over the past two weeks, Jenna had said she was either tired or not feeling well several times. She even canceled their running date one morning. But this was the first time Keeley noticed the bags.
“You think you’ll be okay to run tomorrow after conditioning? I think the email from Coach Wells said we’re supposed to do two to five miles.”
“It said three to five. And, yeah, I’ll be fine,” Jenna snapped, causing her friends to take pause. It wasn’t like her to talk like that to anyone, especially Keeley, and she immediately felt bad. But before she had a chance to apologize, Eli showed up.
“Hey, guys.” Eli smiled and looked from face to face as Jenna’s friends welcomed him into their circle. When Jenna didn’t return his smile, he rolled his eyes at her and proceeded to make conversation with her friends who were all perfectly fine with his presence, especially Keeley who was beaming. No one seemed to notice that Jenna wasn’t happy.
While they talked about various things like the drive from South Dakota, the small-town school he’d attended the past two years, Eli’s sports of choice, and what he’d been up to since arriving in town, Jenna scanned the room, honing in on groups of kids around their age. There were several, and she was tempted to pull Eli aside and suggest he choose a different group to socialize with. It was either that or she had to figure out a way to explain to her friends that she didn’t want Eli hanging around them. Neither option seemed like a solution at that moment so she bit her tongue and dealt with the anxiety that Eli’s presence was causing her.
Then it got worse.
Keeley blushed as Eli inched closer to her. No, you can’t like each other, Jenna thought. Then she nodded when Dustin told her he had to use the bathroom, and smiled when Delaney made a comment about how cute Jenna and Dustin were together, but ninety-nine percent of Jenna’s attention was focused on Keeley and Eli and the fact that they were flirting with each other.
Then it got even worse.
“Hey, guys. We’re so glad all of you could be here today.” Jenna froze and imagined Thomas’s hand burning a hole right through the flesh of her shoulder where it rested. How dare he touch her. She wanted to scream and tell everyone who he really was and what he’d done to her. She wanted him condemned to hell.
“Hey, bro,” Eli said. “Great speech and awesome pictures. I never knew you did mission work in India.”
“Oh, yes,” Audra said, her voice dripping with adoration. “Your brother has done so many amazing things, yet he keeps most of his good deeds to himself.”
Thomas laughed, finally removing his hand from Jenna’s shoulder and looking directly at her. “Enough about me. Jenna, it’s been so long. Look at you all grown up.” He held out his arms a little as if he was offering a hug, but that would never happen. Jenna could barely make eye contact with him let alone stomach the thought of willingly touching him. “I hear you’ve met my wife, Audra, and our daughter, Stella. I’d love to meet your friends.”
Jenna glanced at Delaney and Keeley. The way they were both smiling at Thomas and his little family made her angry. She knew it was irrational, but she couldn’t help it. She wanted them to hate Thomas as much as she did. “Um . . .” was all she managed to say before Dustin reappeared.
“Hi,” Dustin said, reaching out to shake Thomas’s hand, “I’m Dustin. I remember you from way back when we were kids.” He looked over at Jenna and smiled, hoping he was making a good impression on her family.
Not Dustin too, Jenna thought.
From that point on, her world continued to crumble as Delaney introduced herself to Thomas and Audra, and Eli introduced Keeley to them. While everyone around her exchanged pleasantries and laughed, she was stuck inside her head with all the horrible memories from her childhood that had been slowly returning in full color and sound ever since she learned Thomas was moving back.
Thomas shared how he used to babysit for Jenna when she was “yea high” and how they used to love watching reruns of Looney Tunes cartoons together. He’d left out how he sometimes used to place her hand on his crotch as they watched. Jenna glanced over at Eli who had watched cartoons with them. She wondered for the millionth time if he ever saw anything. If so, he’d chosen to ignore it or convinced himself it wasn’t what he thought it was. Either way, Jenna felt like he had betrayed her.
By the time Bonnie announced that people should start lining up for food, Thomas had solidified himself as someone to look up to in the eyes of her friends. He’d told them how grateful he was to have been called upon to serve the youth of His Grace Community. Then he’d wrapped up his infiltration of Jenna’s circle with these words: “I’m always available to lend an ear to each of you. Or even a shoulder to lean on in times of need. Always. Feel free to reach out anytime.”
August 13, 2017
Dear Diary,
My life is ruined, and I don’t think there’s any way to fix it. He tricked my friends into liking him, and now that I’ve seen him, I can’t get his face out of my head. That smile is seared in my memory forever. It was as if none of it ever happened and he was genuinely happy to see me—and not in a disgusting kind of way. For a second, I even wondered if I’ve been remembering things wrong all these years. But I KNOW that can’t be true because when he put his hand on my shoulder, it actually hurt. It was like a million razor blades were digging into my flesh and releasing more poisonous memories into my body.
The only thing that keeps me from completely losing it now is the possibility that he feels bad for what he did. Is it possible that since he wasn’t an adult when it all started that he honestly didn’t know what he was doing was wrong? Would it matter? Or is it possible that I did something to make him think I was okay with what he was doing, that I wanted to be doing it too? NO. That’s a stupid thing to think. Right?
Whether he’s sorry or not, it tears me apart to wonder if he’s done what he did to me to anyone else. Have I let other girls down by not telling someone?
Would he hurt his own daughter?
And what about his wife? She’s SO pretty and SO sweet. How did he find someone like that? Then again, maybe he chose her for a reason. Maybe it’s because she IS so sweet and would never suspect he’s capable of doing anything so horrible. He probably has her fooled just like he’s fooling everyone else. Would he hurt her?
The funny and sick thing is, he and I are kinda alike the way we both pretend to be people we aren’t. I shield myself with a fake smile, good grades, and being as nice and helpful to everyone as possible. I aim for perfection, so no one looks too closely at me. He shields himself with that fake smile of his too, his church upbringing, all of his missionary work, and a family that others strive for.
It’s all a load of crap.
Jenna
Chapter Fifteen
Keeley
Saturday, October 28, 2017
One Day After Jenna’s Disappearance
“I just can’t believe no one but Leighton has seen or spoken to Jenna since last night,” my mom says, shaking her head. “And Leighton is sure she doesn’t have any idea where Jenna went after she left her house?”
Lying makes me nervous, so I hesitate, swallowing hard.
My mom briefly glances over at me as she turns the car into the grocery store parking lot. “Keeley? That’s what she said, right?”
“Yeah,” I say, nodding. “She said she thought Jenna was heading home.”
“Keeley, I swear . . . if you ever disappear this long without telling me where you’re going . . .” She puts the car in park and grips the steering wheel, her chest heaving. “Well, I don’t know what I would do.” She looks over at me, her eyes glistening with an array of emotion.
“I know, Mom. I wouldn’t . . . Promise.”
“I never thought Jenna would either. Something has to be wrong.” She cuts the engine and gets
out of the car without another word.
My mom barely talks to me while we’re in the grocery store. I can’t tell if it’s because she’s worried about Jenna, suspects I might not be telling her everything I know, or if she just wants to get out of the grocery store as fast as possible. By the time we leave, I decide it’s probably a combination of all three. She speed walks to the car and glances over at me several times as if she’s about to say something while we transfer the bags from the cart to the car.
The first question she asks me when we get in the car confirms one of my three suspicions.
“Keeley,” she says, again gripping the steering wheel, “in all the years I’ve known her, Jenna has never exhibited an ounce of rebellion. And you just don’t seem as concerned as you should be right now.” She looks over at me with narrowed eyes. “So what’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” I say, focusing on the windshield to avoid eye contact. “She’s just not herself.”
“It just doesn’t make sense,” she says as she starts the car. Then she cranks up the air conditioner and doesn’t speak again until we’ve driven a few blocks. “What about Dustin? Did he get back to anyone yet? He must know something. Or maybe he’s with Jenna. Those two are inseparable, right?” She seems to relax a little after bringing up Dustin, as if she’s just finished the border of a puzzle and now it’s just a matter of filling in the rest of the pieces.
I bury my face in my hands and take a deep breath. I can’t lie about Dustin too, not when she’s asking me outright if they’re still inseparable.
“Keeley?”
“Actually . . . Dustin is dating Delaney now.”
“Wait, what did you say?” she asks, turning the fan down low so she can hear me better.
“Dustin and Jenna broke up.”
“What? When did this happen?”
“The week before homecoming.”
“Huh, well, that’s a surprise,” she says, turning the air back up a few notches. “And what was it that you said about Delaney?”
“Dustin is dating her now.”
My mom’s hand jets to the fan knob, and she turns it off completely this time.
“Did you say Delaney is dating Dustin?”
She glances at me, and I respond with a nod.
“Well, that’s . . . that’s just not part of the girl code, Keeley. How did all of this come about? Is this the real reason Jenna hasn’t been hanging out with you and Delaney lately?”
“I don’t know,” I say with a sigh. Sure, it’s a teeny tiny lie. But Dustin and Delaney really have nothing to do with whatever is going on with Jenna. I’ve been against it from their initial flirtations, but what’s going on between them really has nothing to do with me either. Mr. Hines, the world history teacher at our school, would call me Switzerland.
The first thing I notice when we pull into our driveway is Delaney sitting in one of the chairs on our front porch.
“Speak of the devil,” my mom mumbles.
“Mom,” I say, looking at her wide-eyed.
“Sorry.” She puts the car in park and throws her hands in the air for a second. “I won’t say another word.”
We get out of the car and head to the back to unload the groceries.
“Hi, Delaney,” my mom says as Delaney heads down our front steps.
I breathe a sigh of relief because there’s nothing in her tone to suggest she knows Delaney has broken the unwritten girl code she referred to earlier.
“Hi, Mrs. Simon,” Delaney responds in the cheery default voice she reserves for parents. Then she looks at me and grabs a grocery bag. “Hey.” Her cheery tone has been cut in half, and the look in her eyes is a dead giveaway that something is wrong.
“Hey,” I whisper, furrowing my brow at her to convey I know something is up. “As soon as we bring this stuff in, we can go up to my room and talk.”
She nods.
The three of us get the groceries inside in one trip, and my dad greets us at the door. I can tell from his old paint-stained clothing that he’s decided to work on one of his ongoing basement remodeling projects—custom-made bookshelves, fresh paint, and some drywall to enclose the utility area in the basement.
“Any word from Jenna yet?” he asks as he holds the door open for us.
Delaney and I shake our heads, and my mom says, “Unfortunately, no. But I plan to give Bonnie a call soon. Just to touch base.”
“And you girls called everyone you can think of who may know where Jenna is?” my dad addresses Delaney and me. We both nod as we set the bags down on the island. I make eye contact with Delaney and nod toward the hallway, indicating we should make our exit, but my dad continues. “Well, what about Dustin? Hard to believe he’d lose track of his girlfriend.”
My mom coughs, and then the room remains silent long enough for Delaney to catch on to the fact that my mom knows about her and Dustin.
“What? Why are you all staring at each other? Did they break up or something?” My dad sighs and takes a sip of cold coffee from his Northwestern University mug.
“About a month ago,” Delaney says, staring at the ground. “Jenna broke up with him.”
“Oh, well . . . it happens,” he says, looking from Delaney to me and then to my mom. When he gets to my mom, he shrugs and turns his palms upright. “Well, I should get back to it. The basement isn’t going to renovate itself.” He leans toward my mom over the corner of the island to give her a peck on the cheek and whispers, “You’ll let me know what Bonnie says?” She nods as their eyes meet, somber expressions on both of their faces. My dad grabs his mug and heads to the basement.
Delaney and I go to my room.
“I can’t believe you told your mom about me and Dustin,” Delaney groans.
I follow her into my bedroom and close the door. I can’t help the irritation that tickles at my chest because Delaney didn’t try to hide it when she suddenly became interested in Dustin, but I don’t think I can handle losing her too, so I don’t bring it up. Not directly anyway. “I’m sorry, but . . . is it really that big of a deal? It’s not like it’s a secret. And . . .”
“Keeley, Dustin broke up with me,” she says, wrapping her arms around herself and taking a seat on my bed.
“Oh.” I sigh, feeling sad and guilty at the same time—sad because I can tell she’s sad, and guilty because I’m glad. They never should have been dating in the first place. I turn my desk chair to face her and am about to sit when she sniffles. “Delaney? Are you crying?” I abandon the chair and sit next to her on the bed instead.
“I’m so embarrassed,” she says, covering her eyes.
“Don’t be,” I say, placing my hand on her back. “People break up all the time.”
“Keeley,” Delaney says, looking over at me with mascara-coon eyes, her voice already nasally, “that’s not why. I’m embarrassed for being such a shitty friend. Instead of trying to figure out what’s been going on with Jenna, I stole her boyfriend. Oh my God, how can I blame her or Leighton or anyone else at school for hating me? I was just . . .” She looks up at the ceiling and takes a deep breath, clenching my comforter into her fists. “. . . so angry with her. She said some pretty mean things to me that night at Tommy’s party.” Dark tears begin to drip from her chin, so I grab a couple of tissues from the box on my nightstand and hand them to her. She takes them, but she’s so wrapped up in her grief that she doesn’t bother to wipe her face or blow her nose. This is the first hint of emotion other than annoyance, anger, and indifference she’s shown regarding the “new” Jenna since the night of homecoming.
“You’re not a shitty friend, Delaney, and you’re not the only one who let Jenna down. We both screwed up, and now . . .” I shake my head, not sure which of my muddled thoughts to finish with.
“Now she’s gone,” Delaney chooses for me.
“But she’ll show up,” I respond quickly, standing and walking over to the wicker storage box on my desk. I reach in and grab the photo booth strip from homecoming I�
�d stuck in it earlier. “And when she does, we’ll force her to tell us what’s going on with her and why she’s so mad at us.”
Delaney nods. Then she cleans up her cheeks and eyes and blows her nose. “Is that from homecoming?”
“Yeah.” I sit back down next to her, and we co-exist in silence as we look at the photos for a few seconds.
“Look at her,” Delaney says. “She was already wasted by then, wasn’t she?”
“I think so. That’s the only reason I can think of that she would do the things she did that night. You know what, though?” I ask, standing and retrieving the old photo of the three of us on the merry-go-round.
“What?” Delaney keeps her eyes on me until I’m sitting next to her again with both pictures in my hands.
“The look on her face . . . it’s the same look she used to get sometimes when we were kids. That vacant stare she’d get sometimes out of nowhere. Do you remember?”
Delaney shrugs, taking both pictures from me to examine them closer. “Maybe you should ask your dad what he thinks.”
Delaney hands the photos back to me.
“No,” I say, shaking my head and then tacking both photos back up on my corkboard, side by side this time. “He’d need more details than just the photos, and whatever I tell him, he always tells my mom. And—”
“Wait, I thought it was illegal for therapists to share private details with anyone.”
“Yeah, but that’s only with patients. Everything else is fair game for what my mom and dad call ‘spousal privilege,’” I say with air quotes.
Delaney nods. “I’m starting to think that whatever’s up with her is way more serious than we thought, more than just a rebellious streak.”
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