Declan (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 5)

by Riley Edwards

  “Fuck that,” Thad spat.

  “Thad, come take a walk.” Brooks stepped in and Thad’s eyes shifted from Declan to Brooks, then to me.

  “Please, for the love of God, tell me you’re not fucking him.”

  Welp, there went my last hope to keep Declan clear of Thad’s wrath. I could lie, but I did a lot of screwed-up shit that blackened my soul. When I could, I tried my best not to add to my sins. I mean, I was already on the fast train straight to hell, there was no need to add to the speed in which I was getting there. When I finally left this earth, I’d at least like to see some of the scenery on my way down, even if it was in a fiery blur.

  “I’m not sure who I’m sleeping with is any of your business.”

  “Then you’d be wrong.”

  “No, Thad, I’m right. I’m nothing to you. I’m nothing to him.” I pointed to Declan. “I’m nothing to any of you.” My arm swept the room. “We have a common enemy and when she’s no longer breathing and Omni falls, none of you will ever see me again. So it doesn’t matter who I’m fucking now, who I’m not, and who I will be in the future. Strotherby and Omni. That’s it. That is all that matters, that’s as close as you’re gonna get to me.”

  Thad studied me. His deep brown eyes analyzed, saw too much, danced with fire, and suddenly I felt naked. But it wasn’t his gaze that made me shiver, it was the one that came from Declan. I didn’t dare take my eyes from Thad, him I could handle. Declan, I was discovering, I couldn’t. Declan knew me too well, he understood me. He and I were the same and that scared the living daylights out of me.

  “You know, I’ve heard something similar to that once before,” Thad told me. “Only when your sister said it, it pissed me off because all I could think about was how much I loved her and how fuckin’ bad it hurt when she left me. But you? When you say shit like that, it cuts me to my core, because I know you believe it. I know you fucking believe you’re nothing. And that cuts. You mean something to me, to your sister, and to your parents.”

  After that successful shot to my heart, he turned to Declan. “You and me got problems. Big fuckin’ problems now that I’m putting the last couple of months together. My wife’s sister’s been close enough for you to sneak off and fuck but you didn’t bother to share that with me. Fuck you for that.”

  Thad stomped out of the room. His heavy footfalls pounded in my head and my chest started to ache.

  Shit.

  Me and my big mouth.

  Declan was looking at me but he wasn’t talking to me. “Keep her in the house.”

  Then he turned to follow Thad.

  “Hell, no. I’m not staying in here.”

  “You are, Autumn. What I’ve got to say to Thad is between me and him.”

  “You’re wrong. This is about me and he has no right to act like an overprotective brother.”

  “Not everything’s about you. He has every right to be pissed at me. I did know you were close. I did keep that from him. And I did it knowing he’d be just as pissed as he is. But that’s between me and him.”

  “Dec—”

  “Jesus Christ, babe. Once. Just once do as I fuckin’ ask and stay in the fucking house. Just one fuckin’ time, let me protect you.”

  Protect me?

  I didn’t need anyone to protect me. Not Thad and certainly not Declan.

  Screw that.

  I started across the room in the direction my brother-in-law had stormed off to but found myself halted by Declan’s big body. His hands went to my face, his palms rested on my cheeks, and he tipped my head back so he had my eyes. His reddish-brown irises were more red than brown, and astonishingly beautiful. I’d never seen eyes that color before. Now they were also deadened. I’d seen that look a lot when he’d first started coming to me, but in the last few weeks, it had vanished. I didn’t like seeing it again therefore in a moment of extreme weakness, my hands went to his forearms and I whispered, “Declan.”

  “I’m beggin’ you, baby. Stay in the house. I don’t want you seeing what’s gonna happen.”

  “I don’t want the two of you fighting,” I told him softly.

  He looked like he was going to lie to me, tell me that wasn’t what was going to happen, but then he blinked and said, “Let us work it out how we need to.”

  “Dec—”

  “Please.”

  Shit.

  It was the gentle ‘please’ that had me giving in.

  “Okay.”

  “You’ll stay in the house? No matter what you hear?”

  “No. I’ll stay in the house until I hear things breaking.”

  “That the best you can give me?”

  “Yep.”

  With a nod, he lowered his forehead to mine. “Thank you.”

  Then he let me go and strolled out of the room. I didn’t move until I heard the back door slam. And when I turned to face Max, Brooks, and Kyle, I wished I would’ve stayed staring down the empty hallway.

  The three men stared at me like I was the slimiest pissant they’d ever seen. As if on autopilot my shoulders snapped back and I braced for their ire. I knew what they thought of me and I didn’t care. A few days tops and they’d be a memory.

  “I don’t need—”

  “Drop it,” Max snapped.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Drop the bullshit, tough-chick-nothing-fazes-me act.”

  “I think you might have me mixed up with someone else, Max. I’m not acting.”

  “You’re a total fraud.”

  “Damn right I am. My whole life is one big lie. I’m the master of fake. I’ve spent years perfecting my lies. I’m so full of shit, you can’t believe anything that comes out of my mouth. I wouldn’t know the truth if it smacked me in the face. I’m so deep in the deception that is my life I cannot be believed. But there is one undeniable truth—there’s nothing in this world that fazes me. My faith in humanity ran out when my innocence was stolen, when I was beaten, raped, sold, and used. The sooner all of you start to believe me when I tell you I don’t need to be saved, instead of doing what my sister thinks she wants, the faster Emerson will let me go.”

  Max pierced me with his blue gaze and shook his head. “I can sniff a liar a mile away. And, Autumn, you reek of one. I didn’t get it, even after Declan explained why he was spending time with you. I understood the connection but I didn’t get how he could put the team in jeopardy. Why he would lie to his teammates to protect you. Now, I see it.”

  I was reeling from the fact that Declan had shared with Max, even more at his “connection” comment. But still I asked, “See what?”

  “Why he’d risk everything for you. If there was ever a woman who needed to be saved, it’s you.”

  “I don’t need anyone to save me,” I choked out, and swallowed the giant lump in my throat.

  I had to get the hell away from Max. He saw too much. Things I didn’t want him to see. I was tired, so damn tired of living a lie, running from everything, shit scared that at any moment my life was going to crash around me. I just needed to finish off Strotherby then I could disappear. Live quietly away from people.

  “Bullshit. You not only need it, you want it. You want it so fuckin’ bad you reached out to the one person you knew who could do it. Someone who won’t judge you, because he lives with the same demons. The only person who would pull you from the catastrophe but not ask questions. And you found him, Autumn. The only thing I ask is, while he’s saving you, you return the favor. You do that and I’ll take your back.”

  My vision was hazy, my breaths were coming out in choppy pants, and I hated Max for seeing what he saw. He had no right, saying what he said. Knowing what he knew.

  “You’re wrong.”

  “About which part?”

  “All of it. And if you think Declan would allow anyone past his fortress, you don’t know him very well.”

  “He already has,” Kyle entered the unfortunate conversation. “He lets you touch him.”

  That was an odd thing to say. So
odd, I had no idea what Kyle was talking about.

  “What?”

  “He grabbed your face and you held on to his arms.”

  “Yeah, so? I touched him, what’s that have to do with anything?”

  “Declan doesn’t like to be touched,” Kyle told me something I knew.

  Of course, I’d touched Declan before. We’d had sex, lots and lots of sex, but there was a difference between touching and groping. I didn’t caress him, nor did he caress me. We didn’t make love, we didn’t have gentle, slow sex. It was a fast and furious exchange. It was exactly what both of us needed, what we could handle. It was never discussed, we didn’t need to talk about it, we both just instinctively knew what the other needed. But Kyle didn’t know that.

  “I know he doesn’t.”

  “Right. So he has let you in.”

  Before I could put an end to the pointless, and frankly frightening conversation, a very loud bang came from outside.

  Shit.

  I took off in a full sprint, crashed through the back door, and found Declan pinned to the wall, Thad’s hands around Dec’s throat. But Declan wasn’t fighting back, his arms hung useless at his sides.

  “Thad, stop!” I shouted.

  “Get the fuck back in the house, Autumn,” Thad snarled.

  And in a move that was so fast I gasped and jumped back, Declan had their positions reversed. “Don’t you ever fuckin’ snap at her. You wanna be pissed at me, be pissed. You wanna use me as a punching bag to work out your anger, do it. I’ll gladly take it. But don’t you ever talk to her like that again.”

  Declan let go of Thad’s throat and pushed off. He took two steps back from his teammate and cut his gaze to me before he looked over my shoulder. “Any of you want your shot, I’ll tell you the same thing I told Thaddeus, they’re yours to take. I didn’t tell any of you where I was going or who I was seeing because it was none of your business. My private life isn’t ever up for discussion.”

  Fuck. I did this. I’d caused all this ruckus and it was for nothing. Just me being selfish, wanting a few hours with a man who understood who I was and took what I had to offer and asked for no more. I didn’t think beyond that, I didn’t think of the repercussions.

  Shit.

  “It was me,” I told Thad. “All of it. You can’t blame Declan for something I asked him to do. I came on to him. I propositioned him. I asked him not to tell you and I explained why earlier. I didn’t want Emerson to know I was in Annapolis. I wasn’t ready to face her. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, but I had my reasons for being in Maryland and I took what I could from Declan. You wanna be pissed at someone? Be pissed at me. It’s my fault.” I looked back to Dec and finished. “I’m sorry. I never should’ve—”

  “You wanna apologize for something, apologize for ghosting my ass and coming here without me and the team. And while you’re at it, you can apologize for traipsing around without a proper cover, announcing to every insurgent that there’s a beautiful American woman walking around without a man at her back. And I know that pisses you off, thinking a man has to be at your side. But, babe, you’re in fucking Afghanistan, not the Riviera. I know you’ve been here before, so I know you know the rules. What you’re never gonna apologize for is seeking out then getting something you needed. You didn’t take anything. I gave it—willingly.”

  “Seriously?” I narrowed my eyes on Declan, his set to stone, obviously very serious.

  “Deadly. After we finish up that conversation, we’re moving on to the meaning of teamwork. That lesson will include not running down two flights of stairs leaving your partner without cover, but more, leaving yourself without backup. Second part to that is, when there’s a motherfucking gun pressed to your temple, you communicate you’re gonna handle that threat so you don’t eat the bullet I was intending for the asshole who was behind you.”

  “I’m sorry, Declan, what should I’ve done? Tapped out a message, maybe Morse code, or would you have preferred me to announce to the dickhead he would soon find himself disarmed on his back, meaning I’d lose the element of surprise which was the only thing I had going for me? And just to say, I would’ve been pissed you shot him in the head and I had to eat brain matter when it splattered on my face. Not to mention, I enjoy my hearing and you would’ve busted my eardrum if you would’ve shot him over my shoulder. So in the future, don’t ever take that shot. And lastly, I figured you were a big boy—you know, a Marine—and you’d have no issue handling some guest who was simply exiting their room, so I thought I’d get a jump start clearing the stairwell for us.”

  “Christ,” Thad bit out. The one word held a meaning I didn’t understand and the pain I saw flash across his face made me wince. “Christ. This cannot be happening.”

  Then Thad pinned Declan with a searing stare. “I hope you’re the man I believe you are.”

  Declan’s torso jerked, his face paled, and the stark fear I saw made my stomach clench.

  “I’m not.”

  “I haven’t forgotten,” Thad said, his voice full of understanding. “I’ll never forget. Not what you said to me, not how you said it, and not how you looked when you said it. It’s because of you I have my Emerson. Now I’m gonna repay the favor. It’s not gone. Here’s your shot. Take it. Take it, Declan, wake up and reach for it, brother.”

  Declan didn’t reply, not verbally. But the anguish on his face said it all. Whatever Thad meant by his comment gutted Declan. No, it alienated him.

  What the hell was that about?

  Chapter 4

  Son of a bitch. Nothing I did stopped Thad’s words from playing on a constant loop. He had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I couldn’t reach out and take anything. My life was gone. The most important parts of me dead.

  My phone rang, pulling me from the ugliness that was my life.

  Zane Lewis.

  Fuck.

  “Yo, Zane.”

  “In five minutes Tex is gonna call you with new intel on Ashaki Maloof. But before he does, we need to talk.”

  I bowed my head and clenched my jaw. Zane wasn’t about dramatics—if he had something to say, he said it. He wasn’t the type of man to mince words or care about shit like feelings. The fact he’d prefaced whatever it was he needed to say with ‘we need to talk’ and the way he’d softened his tone told me I didn’t want to hear a damn thing he was going to say.

  “Zane—”

  “I know.”

  “You know what?”

  “Everything.”

  “Come again?”

  “When you came to work for me I looked into you. I found what I was looking for and didn’t dig deeper. Then all that shit went down with Erin and I was giving you the Gold Team. I dug deeper. So I know—everything.”

  “What the fuck? You had no right—”

  “I did, Declan. I needed to know before I gave you a team you were prepared to lead it. I figured it was the CIA that had fucked you up, but I had to know where your head was at.”

  “Right. So you know.”

  “I know,” he unnecessarily confirmed. “I didn’t share. I did the research myself, I did it safe, and not a single person knows what I found or that I was looking.”

  “And you’re telling me this now…”

  “I’m telling you this now because I’ve given you time to readjust. To get to know your sister, to build friendships, to bond with your men. And now it’s time for you to let them in.”

  Too late for that.

  Whatever bonds had been built, whatever trust had been gained, was gone. I’d kept something from the team knowing they’d be pissed. I’d been selfish and I would continue to be selfish. I didn’t give the first fuck if it pissed Thad off, but I wasn’t giving up Autumn. I couldn’t. The only thing I had to live for was those few hours she gave me. Those hours were the only time I felt human, and there was zero chance I was letting that go.

  “Zane, you gotta know, if you haven’t already you probably will be getting a call from one or
all of the team.”

  There was a heavy sigh and string of colorful expletives before Zane said, “They found out about Autumn before you could tell them?”

  My body went stiff and my fist tightened around my phone.

  “Have you been following me?”

  “Fuck no. But I’ve been tracking Autumn since she saved your sorry-assed life and I promised Emerson I’d do what I could to get her sister clear from the path of fucked-up revenge she’s been living. So I knew when she arrived in Annapolis. I knew where she lived, who she talked to, where she went, and what visitors she had. I hoped you’d have a chance to tell them before they figured it out. I take it that didn’t happen.”

  My mind raced with the knowledge that Zane knew.

  “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “To who? You? Figured you already knew you were hitting her house five nights a week.”

  Christ, Zane could be annoying when he was being sarcastic.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you knew, or tell Thad or Emerson that Autumn was in town?”

  “We all have reasons for doing what we do. Autumn has her own personal reasons for not wanting to get close to her sister and I understand why. Emerson is tough, no doubt, but under all of that, she’s got a big heart, a soft spot that Thad works his ass off to protect. Emmy can’t understand why Autumn won’t walk away. Thad does understand so he’s in the middle—he wants to give his wife what she wants but he knows Autumn’s not ready, she may never be ready, and Thad’s gotta prepare Emmy for that. With all of that, I wasn’t gonna put him in a position to keep something from his woman. I also knew that with you there, you’d watch out for her so there was no need to alert anyone else.”

  Zane was correct, Emerson needed to prepare. Autumn was not the sister she remembered and never would be. The sisters nearly looked identical, but that was where the similarities ended. Emmy was sweet to her core and there wasn’t a damn thing sweet about Autumn.

  “And me?”

  “I had my reasons.”

  “You gonna share those?”