Declan (Special Forces: Operation Alpha) (Gold Team Book 5)

by Riley Edwards

  Chapter 19

  Be well.

  Two words scribbled on a piece of paper. That was all I’d left Declan before I took off. Six letters were all I could write. There was so much more to say, but I knew if I’d tried I would’ve lost my nerve. If I would’ve thought about what I was doing, I wouldn’t have done it.

  And I needed to, for both of us.

  We’d taken it too far, and any further would result in ugliness. I was not Juliana and he was not a knight in shining armor. I didn’t need a knight, I needed a shrink, and he wasn’t that, either. I’d known who he was, but more, I knew who I was, yet I still allowed myself to pretend we could be normal.

  That wasn’t in the cards for me.

  At least that’s what I’d been telling myself over the last week.

  I watched my father walk out of his office, make his way to his car, and get in. I hoped he was going straight home, I wanted to get this done and move the hell on.

  An hour later, I broke into my dad’s small two-bedroom house. Actually, I didn’t break in, he hadn’t locked his side door, and he didn’t have an alarm. And once I entered his home, I understood why. There wasn’t a damn thing worth stealing.

  When I was growing up, my family was firmly middle class, inching toward upper-middle class. My sister and I still needed scholarships to go to college. We’d worked to pay our own auto insurance and gas, but Mom and Dad had not been hurting for money. We had a nice house, not luxury but comfortable. I knew my dad was now one hundred percent owner of the insurance company he’d once owned with Stanley James so I knew he could afford better than this shithole. I also knew he’d given my mother everything when they divorced.

  But still, my father made good money, so the neighborhood, the house, the lack of furniture, even the car he drove surprised me.

  Then suddenly there he was. He’d changed out of his suit and stopped dead when he saw me standing in his living room.

  Confusion bled to sorrow and I watched my dad crumble.

  He looked up at me from his position on the floor, eyes full of tears, and choked out my name.

  One word. So broken. So full of pain.

  “Dad,” I returned.

  His eyes drifted closed and I wasn’t sure if it was the sight of me or my voice that had caused this new wave of hurt. Maybe both. I knew I looked like shit, I felt it.

  I was dead inside.

  I found the old Autumn. The woman I’d become to block out the violence of my deeds. The coldness I needed to endure my life. The primal need to survive.

  I wasn’t human, I was an animal. Any goodness I had left inside of me I’d given to Declan, it was his. And by now, I was nothing but a memory.

  “I’m sorry,” my dad cried. “I’m so damn sorry.”

  “Did you know?”

  Justin Pierce was a big man, so it took him a moment to get himself off the floor, and when he did, he silently made his way to the couch.

  My heart thudded in my chest when he sat much the same way I’d seen Declan sitting. Elbows to his knees, tears streaming down his face. The difference was, my dad hadn’t taken his eyes off of me. And when I’d found Declan, his head had been hung. Big, hulking Declan Crenshaw brought low. I hated thinking about it. I hated knowing that his grief was so heavy it weighed him down. And for a man as strong as Declan, it had to weigh a ton.

  “I knew he had a gambling problem,” my dad started. “I’d bailed him out before. A couple of hundred dollars turned into a couple thousand. The last time he came to me, I refused. Not only because I was tired of my business partner coming to me for money, but I didn’t have it. Hell, the business didn’t even have the kind of money he needed to cover his debts. But, no, I did not know the type of men he owed money to and I didn’t know he’d taken you. I would’ve protected you. I would’ve protected you and Emerson both. I would’ve taken my family and disappeared had I known.”

  I believed him. He’d loved us. My mom was his whole world. His girls. That’s what he’d called the three of us.

  “How’d you figure it out?”

  “After you came home from the hospital, I mentioned a business meeting I had to go to. The moment I mentioned Stanley’s name, sheer terror washed over you. I waited a week, then brought his name up in front of you again. You shook so violently you couldn’t get control of yourself, then you took off upstairs. That’s when I knew. Or I thought I did, so I started to dig. You refused to speak and I needed answers. I hired a PI but he got nowhere. So I hired another, then another, until finally, I found one that had the right connections and I got the answers I needed.”

  “Was this man’s name Tex?”

  “No. Though close, he was from Colorado. Good man. He found everything I needed and he did it fast.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Not gonna tell you, Autumn. I’ll tell you everything else but that. The work he does requires anonymity and because of what he did for me, I owe him loyalty.”

  “More loyalty than you owe your daughter?”

  “With this? Yes. I’ll give everything else but his name.”

  “So you had the confirmation you needed and you killed Stanley.”

  It wasn’t a question. I knew my dad had killed his business partner. I’d watched him do it. The man who’d taken me and sold me to pay off a gambling debt. I couldn’t even summon up enough emotion to care that my life ended because some asshole didn’t know how to play poker.

  “Yes, I killed him.”

  “And his wife?”

  “She knew and she covered for him.”

  Something I hadn’t known. Interesting.

  “I burned his house down,” I told him. “I watched you. You didn’t wear gloves, you were careless. So I burned down the house. After that, I drained his bank accounts and left.”

  I lost my dad’s gaze, and just like all of the other times he couldn’t bear the sight of me, it hurt.

  “Look at me,” I demanded. His eyes snapped to mine.

  Revulsion.

  “I know you can’t stomach the sight—”

  “Don’t you ever say that again!” my dad shouted and went to his feet. “Christ, is that what you thought? What you think?” The sob that tore from my father was gut-wrenching. “Autumn, all of this is my fault. I did this to you. I brought that man into our lives. And then I let him destroy my daughter. I couldn’t look at you without it ripping my heart out, knowing what I’d done. Me, daughter, I did it. I fucked up everything.”

  It was a weird thing to note, but with my dad standing in front of me, seeing him for the first time in nine years, how he’d aged, how he’d stayed the same, so when he cursed I tried to think about if I’d ever heard him say a bad word. I hadn’t.

  But I didn’t bring it up.

  “I needed you.”

  “And I failed you.”

  I felt my dad’s admission score through me, cracking some of the ice I’d layered over my heart.

  “I needed you.”

  “I know, baby girl, and I let you down.”

  Another hit, this one harder.

  “I just needed my dad!”

  I felt my legs start to tremble and the walls I thought I’d reinforced when I’d snuck out on Declan splintered.

  “I’m sorry, Autumn. I’m so damn sorry I wasn’t stronger. I was weak. So fucking weak that when I knew my daughter needed me I still couldn’t face what I’d done. I couldn’t find the strength to be a better man, a better father. I failed, you, your sister, and your mom. And you paid for my mistakes. You lost everything because of me and I can’t ever apologize enough for that.”

  “I needed…”

  I didn’t finish what I was saying and I also wasn’t standing anymore. I didn’t remember my dad catching me, just that he did. I also didn’t know how we ended up on the floor but we were sitting on his ratty-assed carpet. But none of that mattered, because for the first time in over ten years, my dad’s arms were wrapped around me.

  And everyt
hing shattered.

  Every. Thing.

  All I’d wanted after I’d been rescued was my dad. I needed to feel his strong arms around me. I needed his words of wisdom, I needed him to hold me and rock me and tell me everything would be okay. But he’d rejected me. Wouldn’t even look at me.

  “I hate you,” I whispered.

  “I know you do, honey.”

  “I hate that you wouldn’t touch me. I was so dirty, all I wanted was for you to…”

  I didn’t know what I wanted, what I’d expected him to do, but I wanted something.

  “I was so weak. Seeing my baby girl covered in bruises, knowing what she’d endured, all of that my fault. I was afraid to hold you. I was so scared I’d make it worse for you if I hugged you. The doctors all warned us, you’d have PTSD. They said you might never welcome our touch again. I shouldn’t have listened. I should’ve worked past all my crap and scooped my girl up. That was my shit, not yours. And you listen to me, you’ve never been dirty. What those men did to you was not your fault.”

  “It wasn’t yours either,” I admitted.

  And it wasn’t. As much as I wanted to blame my dad, and I had for years, I knew it wasn’t his fault. But I hurt so badly I hated everyone. I needed someone to blame. And unfortunately, my family took the brunt of my wrath. Another reason I didn’t want to face my mom and sister. I’d said horrible things.

  My body sagged heavily against my dad. I just needed him to take the burden, if only for a few minutes. I couldn’t carry it anymore. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to breathe. I just wanted it all to go away.

  The front door opened and my father twisted, taking me with him, and covered my body with his.

  Protecting me.

  Which was laughable.

  But I didn’t laugh, I just took that hit and let it wash over me. Until I heard the gasp, then the pain-filled cry.

  My mom.

  Shit.

  “Meggy, what are you doing here?”

  My dad slowly gathered me in his arms and I’d stupidly buried my face in his neck like I could hide as I’d done countless times when I was a child and needed my daddy.

  “Is this why you stopped answering your phone?” my mom cried. “Has Autumn been here this whole time?”

  “No, Meggy, she just got here. I wouldn’t keep our girl from you.”

  “Autumn?”

  My mother’s voice filled my ears and it was agony. I’d been so long I’d forgotten what she sounded like.

  Unable to speak, I lamely nodded.

  “May I…can I…”

  “Meggy, darlin’, sit down,” my dad invited and I bit my lip.

  I came here to tell him…shit, I didn’t know why I came. To tell him I hated him? That I forgave him? That I knew he killed Stanley? Beg him to help me? Make him explain why he’d turned his back on me? I had no idea why I’d traveled all that way to find my dad. I just knew I had to or I was going to die.

  I’d lost everything. My innocence. My heart. My soul. My future. Declan. Emmy. My parents. My niece or nephew. Everything. Gone.

  Now what?

  Chapter 20

  “Have you heard a fuckin’ word I’ve said?” Zane barked.

  “Nope,” I answered honestly.

  I hadn’t heard a damn thing anyone in the room had said since Zane had hung up with Tex. We had a full house—Red, Gold, and Blue we all piled into the conference room. Sixteen operators plus Garrett meant there wasn’t enough room to breathe. Which didn’t much matter to me, since it had been a full two weeks since I’d taken in a lungful of oxygen that hadn’t left me burning mad.

  “It’s not your—”

  “It’s not? I was right fucking there. And you know what I did? I instructed my team to roll out of there as quickly as possible so we didn’t get caught in that shit. Literally, Z, across the street. We could’ve stopped that shit. And two privates wouldn’t be dead and Lieutenant Avery Nelson wouldn’t be MIA.”

  “You had an assignment. A mission at my order to complete,” Zane replied, his tone angry. “You’re not the only one in this room feeling the loss, Declan. But you couldn’t know what was going to happen, and if you did, all six of you would’ve been dead. Report says that there were over fifty insurgents that overtook that convoy. There were six of you, only five that are properly trained. The only reason why there were only two dead and one missing is because no one fought.”

  There was nothing Zane could say that would make me feel any better. Lieutenant Nelson was missing in action, being held by a known terrorist group. Tex had declined Zane’s offer to send us or the Blue Team to Afghanistan to assist Rocco, Gumby, Ace, Bubba, Phantom, and Rex in their search for the lieutenant which only further pissed me off.

  “Dec, you know Z’s right,” Thad added. “There were six of us there, we all agreed. Not making light of what’s happened to Lieutenant Nelson, but we had a priority one mission. Strotherby had to be put down.”

  My jaw clenched for a variety of reasons. One being that while no one had spoken to me about Autumn outright, they’d all taken potshots. Prying without asking. Hinting that they knew something was wrong but didn’t want to question me.

  This was Thad’s latest attempt, reminding me there were six of us in Afghanistan but only five us were in this room discussing our next move.

  “Ashaki has gone off the grid.” Zane brought the conversation back around.

  “Still don’t like her,” Jasmin put in.

  “Autumn vouched for her,” Max returned, shocking the hell out of me. “She trusts Ash.”

  “Since when do you trust anyone?” Brooks asked.

  Max had a love affair with suspicion, his trust issues were legendary. That was, until Eva came along. It seemed the woman wrought miracles.

  “Since I’ve been wrong the last five times I accused women of being liars.”

  “Five?” I questioned.

  There were only four that I knew of—Tatiana, Anaya, Emerson, and Eva.

  “I trust Autumn. If she says Ash is on the up and up, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.”

  My jaw clenched, Thad sputtered then coughed, and Zane grunted, “Christ.”

  “We all have our reasons for being here,” Max started. “We all had our reasons for joining the military. Autumn has her reasons for doing the things she’s done. I respect those reasons and I appreciate her honesty.”

  We needed to move off the topic of Autumn, just hearing her name made me sick with worry. Where the fuck was she? Why’d she sneak out of her house without so much as a fuck off? And why in the actual hell did I physically ache because she was gone? Why couldn’t I stop thinking about her?

  “Tom’s put together a task force.” Zane’s announcement pulled me from my thoughts. “With the election around the corner, he wants this taken care of before he’s out of office.”

  “I met with the president and Kline Mathias yesterday. He’s up to speed and ready,” Colin added.

  The president, Tom Anderson, was Colin’s father-in-law. He was also one of Zane Lewis’s closest friends. Jasmin Parker also had family ties to the POTUS—Tom was her uncle, making Colin’s wife Erin and Jasmin cousins. It was just enough to make you dizzy. But being on a first-name basis with the President of the United States had its perks. And with Tom’s second term coming to an end, I could see how Tom wanted Omni finished before he lost control.

  Thankfully, when an intrusive intelligence program called Angel was outed Tom had gone public about millions of Americans being spied on. When he revealed the vice president’s involvement, the VP had stepped down and withdrawn his bid for the White House. Which was a good thing—the man was a snake. When the dust had finally settled, Tom nominated his Secretary of State to fill the vacancy. Trent Graham was a good guy, and by his polling numbers, it looked like he was going to win the election.

  “Kline Mathias, the Director of U.S. Marshals Service?” Brooks inquired.

  “Yeah. Tom and him go way back, h
e trusts Kline and wanted to keep the operation away from the CIA.”

  I didn’t know Kline personally but I’d heard good things about him, and Tom not involving the CIA was a good thing, too. There’d been too many leaks in the past, and until those plugs were filled, Kline was probably the best option.

  “There’s not much left to do. A little housekeeping and this will all be behind us,” Jaxon noted.

  “What about Emilio Ruiz?” I asked.

  “Gone,” Zane told me.

  “Gone? As in dead?”

  “No. Gone as in he and his family have disappeared to an undisclosed location. Tom’s call.”

  Emilio Ruiz had been neck-deep in Omni until the organization he’d sworn his loyalty to turned on him and tried to kidnap his daughter. Then Ruiz had turned on them. Whoever said there was honor among thieves was incorrect. There was no honor among scum. The almighty dollar spoke louder than loyalty.

  “So that leaves Harry Landry.” The tightness in Brooks’ voice conveyed just how much he disliked the man.

  Not only had Landry fucked over Brooks’ wife but he was also a human trafficker, a successful one, so Zane’s declaration didn’t come as a surprise.

  “Gone. As in dead.”

  I sat back in my chair and tried to relax knowing the endeavor was futile. I didn’t think I’d ever feel at ease again. The ball of tension in my chest had grown with each passing day that Autumn was gone. I glanced around the room and that ball felt like a lead weight. I didn’t belong here. And as grateful as I was that Zane Lewis had taken me on after I left the CIA, had given me a chance to be close to the sister I still hadn’t connected with in any real way, that realization had become crystal clear.

  I was surrounded by good people. Men I couldn’t measure up against. Men who found the women they were meant to be with and weren’t afraid to keep them. But I’d already had that and lost it. And the longer I was around it, the pain only intensified.

  I had to leave.

  It was time.

  “Owen,” Zane called. “Any closer to getting Natasha to talk?”

  My gaze slid to Owen and his expression said it all. Natasha wasn’t talking. Which wasn’t surprising because she hadn’t spoken much since she was rescued from Novak. A man who’d taken Eva in an attempt to use her as a pilot to transport his drugs and the woman he’d bought. That woman being Natasha. Though it was doubtful that was even her name.