by Kelly Moore
I think Noah has adopted Murphy or Murphy has adopted Noah, I’m not sure which, but if he’s not under my feet, he’s out playing with Noah on the beach.
Today, I’ve decided it’s time to get back to work on writing my series. I haven’t published anything since Silas died, and it’s time. Noah has the outdoor center running smoothly and has taken over setting up tours. Noah and Silas were partners but setting up the guided tours was Silas’s baby. But at the insistence of the customers, Noah went through all of Silas’s books and learned the ropes.
I haven’t stepped foot in the store, and I’m finding it very hard to breathe as I open the double glass front doors to the building. Once I get the courage to go inside, employees smile and/or wave at me when they see me making a beeline to Noah’s office.
I knock once and rush inside, hoping like hell I don’t vomit all over his hardwood floor.
“Liv, you okay?” Noah gets up from his desk chair and places his hand on my shoulder.
“I could feel him here the moment I walked through the doors,” I all but cry.
“I know. This place is Silas. I feel it every day, especially when I go into his office.” He guides me over to the leather couch opposite his desk. “What are you doing here? Is this another step Silas wanted you to take?”
“No.” I brush my hair out of my face. “I need to get back to work, so I want to plan a trip.”
He sits behind his desk. “Where do you want to go?”
“Back to New Zealand. I want to do the same trip I took when I met Silas. I never wrote about it in one of my travel stories, so I want fresh eyes. I thought I’d write about my memories of the place and link it into what the facts are.”
He strums his fingers over the keyboard. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”
“Everyone keeps telling me that I have to move on. This is me trying to get some semblance of a life back together. I was hoping you could watch after Murphy for me.” I bite the inside of my lip.
He types something into the computer. “How long do you want to go for?”
“Two weeks.”
“You know I’ll take care of Murphy, but I worry about you going alone, and Charlie would kill me if something happened to you.”
“I need to do this alone, and it’s a guided tour. Nothing’s going to happen.” I stand and start pacing. “I can’t sit here anymore missing him so badly that I think about dying. So, it’s either get up and do something or find a way out.”
“Olivia, don’t talk like that.” His fingers have stopped typing, and his eyes are large and boring into me.
“Then please help me. I still wake up every morning and reach for him in bed. I make two cups of coffee before I realize what I’ve done. His slippers still peek out from under the bed. I can’t bear to wash his pillowcase because it still smells like him. I’ve got to find a way to make this ache stop.”
He’s rushed from his desk, and he’s holding me in his arms. “I’ve got you, Liv. I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”
“And, I’m afraid there are really no more videos. I’ll never see or hear from him again.” I sob in his arms. I thought I was doing so much better until I came here. It’s been six months since he died, and it feels like yesterday at this very moment. My heart is so raw and fragile that the least little thing still sets me off.
“Come on, let me take you home.” He grabs his keys and walks me to his car.
“I drove the truck.” I sniff.
“It’s fine right here. I’ll drive you back tomorrow to get it.”
He opens the door, and I get inside. I see him take his phone out of his pocket when he shuts my door. He says something quickly and gets behind the wheel when he’s done.
“Did you call for reinforcements?” I half laugh. I know he doesn’t know what to do with a crying woman. Silas never did either; he hated when I cried.
“Yeah, the boys are in school. Charlie will meet us at the house.”
“Thanks, Noah, for being here for me, but I still want to take this trip.”
“Give me some dates, and I’ll make it happen.”
The short ride home is quiet, and I’m met by Charlie at the front door. She drapes her arm around me, and we go inside and sit on the L-shaped couch.
“Let me fix you a cup of tea,” she says.
“I’ll get it. You two sit,” Noah says and disappears into the kitchen, but not before whispering something into Charlie’s ear.
“You want to go to New Zealand?” she asks, raising her voice a few octaves.
Murphy barks and jumps in my lap. “I need to go back to work, and I really want to visit the place where Silas and I met.”
“By yourself?”
“I went by myself the first time.”
“Yeah, but that was different.”
I square myself toward her. “Oh yeah, how so?”
“You weren’t….” She’s searching for a word.
“Fragile, heartbroken?”
“Yes,” she says matter-of-factly.
“I need to do this. I have to do something. Maybe he sent a video to one of his friends out there. Sitting around waiting for the next one to show up is killing me.”
“Why would he have sent a video out there? Think about it. It wasn’t the trip he sent you on.”
“I need to see him, and I’m grasping at straws!” I cover my face, and I hear her yell for Noah.
I look up as he comes back in the room, holding two glasses of tea. “You need to give it to her.”
He throws a death glare at her. “She hasn’t done everything on his list,” he says behind gritted teeth.
I jump to my feet. “You! You have the next video?”
“No.” He hesitates and looks at Charlie again.
“Yes. She’s tormenting herself over it. I told you I didn’t think this was a good idea. Now give it to her.”
He uses a few choice words and places the tea on the table and storms out.
“You two have had the video the entire time, and you never told me!” I scream at her.
“I only found out about it a couple of weeks ago when I was cleaning Noah’s desk. I told him at the time that he should give it to you. He said he made a promise to Silas and swore me to secrecy.”
I want to be angry with her, but I know Silas was a very convincing man, and poor Noah probably felt obligated.
The front door opens and slams, and Noah storms inside. “I promised I wouldn’t give you this until you had met all his goals.”
“I have, weeks ago. I joined the baking class, I sweat my ass off in a spin class, and I’ve even volunteered my time.”
“You haven’t met anyone,” he says firmly.
“Sure I have. Charlie was there.” I point at her.
“Um…no,” she says.
“You remember, last week at the coffee house. I met a man you insisted sit down with us.”
“Oh, really…tell me one thing you remember about him.” She crosses her arms.
“Gah. I didn’t know there was going to be a quiz.” I cross my arms matching hers.
“Name…color of his hair…color of the shirt he was wearing…anything?” She taps her toes on the wood floor.
“Ah! I don’t know!” I lift my hands in the air.
“Then it doesn’t count,” she barks.
I walk over to Noah and hold out my hand. “Give me the damn thumb drive.”
He looks over at Charlie, and she nods. He holds it out, and I snatch it from him and take off in a trot to my office upstairs. I pop it in and almost gasp when I see Silas. His color has a yellow tint, and his eyes look tired, with deep creases around them. His face still lights up when he talks to me.
“Hey, doll. It’s been a while. I figured it would take you time to meet someone. Don’t be angry at Noah. I forced him to keep my secret.”
“I’m not angry at Noah. I’m mad at you for leaving me.”
“Say, how is that romance novel going?” He leans toward t
he camera. “I’d like to hear some of those sexy scenes you’ve been writing about. Don’t blush, doll. I know you know how to talk dirty and you’re great in the sack.”
“Oh my god, Silas.” I laugh.
He leans back and unbuckles his pants, and his hand disappears inside. “Damn, just thinking about it is getting me hard.” He moans. “Feel free to join me. I don’t want cobwebs growing down there in your lady parts.”
Is he really masturbating on video…in his office? I can’t take my eyes off him. The noises he’s making are so familiar and make me ache to reach out and touch him.
He closes his eyes. “I’m visualizing you riding me, baby. Right here in my office, with the blinds slightly open.” He moans again, and I find myself soaking wet. “I sure hope you’re with me right now.” His fist pumps harder, and I find my own moan escaping.
“That’s it, baby, just a few more strokes,” he hisses, then his head falls back, and I see pleasure fill his face.
When he’s done, he grabs a tissue and cleans himself up. “God, I hope you were with me, but if you weren’t, you’ll find a gift I left you in the nightstand. You know…the one that has all your toys in it.” He has an evil chuckle.
I want to run and get it, but I don’t want to walk away from the rest of the video.
He grows serious. “I don’t know how much time I have left, doll, but I need to know that you’ll be okay. I’m pretty sure you haven’t really met anyone yet, but it’s still something you need to work on. Tell Noah I forgive him, and I won’t really come back and haunt him for giving it to you. I know he believes in that shit.”
I laugh out loud because I know it’s true.
“The next video will come from your editor, so you better hurry up and finish that love story. And no, you’re not allowed to bully her into giving it to you. I love you, doll. Don’t break a leg getting to that nightstand.” He winks and kisses the tips of his fingers again.
I spin around in the chair a few times before I get up and make my way to my bedroom. I slowly open the drawer that I’ve not touched since the last time Silas and I had sex. There’s a long, rectangular box inside with a sticky note on the outside. “Get rid of those cobwebs, doll,” it says in Silas’s handwriting.
I open it, and a pink, shiny vibrator falls into my lap. I pick it up and stare at it for a moment and wonder how it got in my drawer. Silas had been sleeping downstairs in a hospital bed the last month of his life because he was too weak to get up the stairs.
I shove the vibrator back in the box and slam the drawer. I take the steps two at a time and find Noah and Charlie sitting on the couch. I walk in front of Noah and throw it on his lap.
“Did you do this too?”
He tosses it out of his lap when he figures out what it is. “God no. I loved Silas, but I would never give his wife a vibrator.”
Charlie is in full-blown laughing mode again. “That one is on me!”
“You bought me a vibrator?” I want to be appalled.
“No. Silas ordered it. I stashed it for him.”
“I’m back to hating you again.” I drop down on the couch between them.
“You love me, and you know it.” She picks up the box and places it in my hand. Noah covers his eyes. “I think I should go now,” he says and rises.
I tug at his hand. “Silas said he forgives you and won’t haunt you.”
He peeks between his fingers. “Really?”
“Really.”
Chapter 8
“How is the book going?” Charlie hands me the last piece of clothing I had set out to put in my suitcase.
“You would think in the last three months I would’ve finished it by now, but I’m stuck on the ending.”
“I wish either Noah or I was going with you on this trip.” She sits by the suitcase on the bed.
“Any other trip, I’d love that, but I need to do this alone. Noah has planned every detail for me, and he even called and spoke with the guide. It’s someone Silas worked with many times.”
Murphy hops up on the bed and stares at me with his sad eyes. “I know, boy. I wish I could take you with me.” I pat his head. “Noah will spoil you by taking you to work with him every day.”
“Noah’s planning on taking the boys camping, and Murphy will go with them.”
“He’ll love that. What are you going to do with a house all to yourself?”
“Enjoy the peace and quiet.” She laughs.
“I’ve grown accustomed to the quiet,” I say sadly. “I miss the noise of another person being here.”
“I’m sorry, Liv. I didn’t mean to make you sad.” She brushes a piece of hair out of my eyes.
“No, I’m sorry I made it about me. You deserve some peace and quiet, and a massage.”
“Don’t you worry, I have big plans. I bought a new Kindle, and I plan on getting caught up on the latest romance books.” She gets up and grabs her purse. “Actually, I bought you a new Kindle and downloaded a bunch of books for you to read on your flight. I thought it would give you some inspiration for your book.”
I want to tell her I still can’t bear to read a happy ending yet. Maybe that’s why I can’t finish mine. My happy ending is gone. “Thank you. I’m sure it will help,” I tell her instead and tuck it into my carry-on bag.
“Please call me as soon as you land. I know you won’t have service out on the tour.” She stands and hugs me.
“I will and please try not to worry.”
“Don’t get so caught up in your memories of Silas that you don’t have any fun.”
“It’s a working trip and a walk down memory lane. Maybe it will help me let go. I think when I get back, it’ll be time to set that kayak out into the Gulf of Mexico.”
“We’ll be here when you’re ready.”
The flight was long, but I’ve got a second wind as I load my gear into my backpack. The tour guide had our tents and everything we would need set up for our hike.
A nice-looking man with dark hair and gray at the temples walks around greeting everyone. His logo on his shirt is the same emblem that Silas wore on his when he worked here. He hasn’t made his way toward me yet, and I’ve kind of been keeping to myself. I know he knew Silas, and that should make me feel better, but somehow when his name is mentioned from one of his friends, I feel like I have to be the mourning widow again. I miss him like crazy, but I’m tired of being sad.
“I would recognize you anywhere.” His blue eyes lock with mine, and he walks over to me with open arms. “Olivia McDill. Silas could never shut up about his beautiful bride.” He holds me from him. “And now I see why.”
I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear and tug the brim of my ball cap lower. “I’m afraid you have me at a disadvantage.”
“Clay Dunn.” He holds out his hand.
It’s surprisingly warm in the cool, misty air. “I do know the name. You and Silas did your training together.”
“We did.” His face lights up with a smile.
He has the most perfectly straight white teeth and a small dimple in his chin. He’s about the same height as Silas, but more muscular. Silas had grown a little leaner over the years of not being outside all the time. He had a smudge of a soft middle over the last year, but I loved it.
“Do you have everything you need?” He interrupts my thoughts.
“I think so.” I check out my pack.
“Noah instructed me to keep a good eye on you”—he chuckles—“so you’ll be upfront with me.” He takes my elbow and leads me to the hikers.
His voice is deep and serious as he goes over safety details and has everyone checking their bags. I can see him and Silas being good friends, maybe even kicking back at night and having a few beers. He’s that kind of guy; warm and friendly, someone you would want to get to know…just like Silas.
I zip up my jacket and hike my pack over my shoulders and snap the strap around my waist. It’s heavy, and I haven’t worn one in a while, so I adjust it so the balance of the weig
ht is shifted to my hips rather than my back. We head out into the mist of the mountain. Our goal is Mount Cook. I remember from my time here years ago that there is a pristine lake on the other side. Silas popped my tent up as close to the edge of the lake as possible. His was only a few feet from mine. We stayed up talking most of the night, and that’s when I fell in love with him. At first, I thought he was just doing his job and being friendly. I was a young, naive girl hanging on his every word of adventure. When he leaned in and kissed me, it was the most romantic thing I could have ever imagined. His lips were tender and sweet as his tongue delved inside. It was the perfect kiss.
In the shadows of the moon, his handsome face dipped to mine. I could taste the fruity water he had been drinking. It started off soft but became urgent and needy. He touched my face with his hands, and it ignited and overpowered my senses. I pulsated with a need I had never experienced from a kiss alone. It turned me upside down with desire as his tongue pushed deeper. It had a power over me, and I melted into it as I clenched my eyes tight, caught in his trance. My heart beat faster as I blossomed into a woman in love at that very moment.
I shudder now, thinking how he drew me in and made my world dizzy with one kiss. I was torn between excitement and fear. The fear came from thinking I could never live without his touch again. He was burned into my soul…and that’s exactly where he stayed.
“Are you okay?”
I wipe a tear I didn’t realize had fallen when Clay bumps into my shoulder. “Yeah, sorry.”
“No need to be sorry, doll. Noah told me this trip would be hard on you.”
My heart nearly stops at his term of endearment for me. “Please don’t call me that,” I whisper.
“I’m sorry. It’s a habit of mine to call a beautiful woman doll.”
“That’s what Silas called me.”
“Ah. I can see that.” He walks beside me for a moment. “I’m sorry for your loss. He was a good man.”
I want to scream and say I’m so tired of hearing that, but there’s so much tenderness in his eyes that it settles my anger. “He was a good man.” I press my lips together to help control my emotions.
