by Kelly Moore
He turns and walks backward and twirls his finger in the air. “Take a drink of water before we start up the mountain,” he yells to the ten other people trailing behind us.
“You too.” He winks at me.
I take my canteen out and take a long draw of water and wipe my mouth on my sleeve. I watch Clay as he interacts with each hiker. He seems at ease and has that same love for adventure Silas had. Silas said he only loved one thing more than adventure, and that one thing was me.
“We have an hour hike before we reach the next break area, that’s if everyone can keep pace. If you need help, you need to call out.” He shrugs his backpack on and leads the way.
I follow on behind him. “So, did you and Silas ever hike together?”
“Several times. One summer, not long after you two were married, he came out here for training. He had just opened the outdoor store and wasn’t quite ready to let go being an adventure guide.”
“I remember that. I told him he could do both.”
“He said that too, but he was afraid if he did, he would lose himself in it rather than you.”
I stop in my tracks. “He didn’t mention that.”
He turns around and takes me by the elbow so that I’ll keep walking. “I was completely jealous of how much the man loved you.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I get lost in my own head as we hike the next hour up a steep grade, and the mist covering the mountain gets deeper. It’s beautiful and green as far as I can see.
“Time for another water break,” Clay says and sets his bag down.
I take a drink again and fall into my routine of watching him. He’s telling stories of the area and about a village not far from here. The residents live fully off the land and the kindness of strangers.
I get up and walk over to the edge of a rocky area and look out. I’m so taken in by the beauty that I don’t hear Clay walk up next to me.
“He almost died that summer he came here. That’s what made him decide not to continue. He couldn’t bear the thought of leaving you behind.”
“He never said anything to me about it.” I turn to look at him.
“See that mountain over there?” He points to a monster of a mountain out in the distance, and I nod. “We were climbing that beast. He was anchored into the side of the mountain and lost his footing, but his anchor didn’t hold. He fell and hit his head but landed hard on a rock that kept him from falling all the way down.”
“I remember him coming home with a few stitches in his brow. He told me he tripped.”
“I’m sure he did. We had a hell of a time getting to him. It took us hours to figure out how to get him back up. He was a bloody mess and freezing. His teeth kept chattering when he told me to tell you he loved you more than life itself. I guess he thought he wouldn’t make it out.”
He turns around. “Get your gear on for the next part of the hike,” he yells.
I fall in line again, thinking about what he told me. What I remember about that trip was the day Silas came home. He stormed through the door like a man on a mission. He snatched me into his arms and started undressing me. He touched every inch of me, and we made love for hours. It was the best and most intimate sex we had ever had. His story explains a lot.
Our tour takes us by the village. The children are sparsely dressed. The women are in tattered dresses, and the men look like they’ve never shaved. Their homes are made of logs and branches, yet they look happy. There’s a little red house that stands out in the middle of the village. It has a red-and-white sign out front with a cross on it.
“They have a doctor here?” I asked, surprised.
“It’s so much more. Go look inside,” he says while he greets one of the villagers.
I walk in, and there are containers labeled with medical supplies, and shelves full of books, pencils, and crayons. In another corner, there are blankets, clothes, and shoes, and an entire wall full of water bottles. Someone has stocked them well. I walk around the room and see a photo on the wall and almost stop breathing when I see Silas’s face. I take it off the wall and hold it.
“He did all this,” Clay says as he enters the hut. “He built this for them, and every year, he sent donations here. He had medical teams tour out here every three months to give aid to the sick and make sure they’d have the meds they need.”
“Why wouldn’t he have shared any of this with me?”
“It made him feel good. He was never one to toot his own horn. Every kid, before he did all this, slept on the cold ground. He had cots shipped in and sleeping bags. He hired a teacher to come out here and educate the kids.”
“How many people live here?”
“It’s grown to almost two hundred. Silas even taught them how to fish.”
Tears well up in my eyes. “But he’s gone now.”
“Yes.”
“Whatever he’s done, I’ll continue to help them.”
He walks over to me and places his hand on my cheek. “You’re a good woman, just like he said.” His gaze stays on me for a long moment. “Come with me. I want you to meet someone.”
I follow him outside and over to one of the huts. There is a beautiful woman with long golden hair, reading to a child that looks to be about eight years old.
“Isla, I want you to meet Olivia McDill.”
She stands and pulls me into a hug. “Thank you so much.”
“I…I don’t understand?”
She lets me go and tugs her son into her side. “This is Silas.”
For a moment I’m flooded with anger thinking Silas had a son.
“I think I better explain.” Clay must have been reading my mind. “On one of his trips out here, Isla went into labor. The cord had been wrapped around the baby’s neck, and he was blue and not breathing when he was born. Silas performed CPR and saved him.”
“So, you named him after Silas.” I finally release my breath. “That makes a lot more sense than what I was thinking.” I laugh.
“He gave me my son, and I gave him his name.” Isla smiles down at the boy.
“Silas loved these people,” Clay says and ruffles the boy’s hair. “We better get back to the tour if we’re going to make it to our stopping point tonight.”
Chapter 9
The rest of the hike, my mind is filled with what Clay told me about Silas. I knew he shipped supplies from the outdoor center as a donation, but I never knew where it went. And, I do remember him having some pictures in a book of all his trips here, but I never put any of it together, and he didn’t share it with me. I can’t be mad at him for hiding something so wonderful; I can only wonder why he didn’t tell me. Maybe he felt like these kids were his babies or he needed them to be because I could never have children.
It broke my heart many times that we couldn’t have a child. We talked about adopting, but he said he had everything he needed with me, and I loved him for that. I wish he could’ve shared this with me, but I’ll make sure his kindness doesn’t end because he’s not here anymore.
We make it to the lake as the sun is starting to fall and the air is cooler. I pick the spot that I remember my tent being with Silas. Everyone works to get their equipment in place and tents up. Clay sets his up a little further down and starts a campfire. Some of the hikers turn in immediately, and some gather by the fire for warmth.
I wrap a blanket around my shoulders and grab a blue camping mug. Clay has a pot of water boiling already and packets of coffee grounds ready to open. I hold my mug out, and he pours the hot water. I take a packet and pour it in a swirl my mug. I sit on a log left by other hikers, and I take in the fire. One by one, the hikers go to their tents, leaving me alone with Clay.
“You turning in?” he asks.
“Not yet.” I sip my coffee and scoot closer to the fire. “Did Silas send you a video?”
“No,” he says and looks out over the orange flame of the fire.
It was wishful thinking, but I’m okay out here with the memories of him.
>
“Did he die quickly?”
I wasn’t expecting his question. “Once he got really sick, yes, but the nurses were good at keeping him comfortable.”
“I was out here when I got the word he died.”
I watch him by firelight.
“I wasn’t kidding when I said I was jealous of how he felt about you. I had never met a man more in love with his wife. I compared every relationship I ever had with his. Granted, my relationships never lasted long because my job takes me everywhere.” He chuckles. “I could never give it up, or I never met anyone worth giving it up for.”
“I would’ve given him anything. I would’ve even traded places with him dying.”
He gets up and sits next to me on the log. He reaches over and takes my hand in his. “He would’ve never let that happen.”
His touch feels awkward, yet it warms me. Maybe it’s his friendship with Silas that makes me relax into him. We sit quietly for a while before I lay my head on his shoulder. He turns and places his hand on my face and then leans in and kisses me softly. At first, I don’t return the kiss, but it’s so gentle and sweet, I want to give in. For a brief moment, I picture Silas, and then the brush of his scruffy face brings me back to reality.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper and stand.
“I’m not,” he says. “You’re a remarkable woman, and I wanted to be part of that even if only for a moment.” He touches his hands to his lips.
“We were both missing him,” I say, and walk over to my tent and crawl inside.
I’m mad at myself because I didn’t hate the kiss. It felt good to be close to another person. It seems like a lifetime since I’ve been touched, and to be honest, it felt really great. He’s a lot like Silas, and I think that made it easier. It gives me hope that Silas has been right all this time…life does go on.
I pull out my flashlight, take out my journal, and write furiously. The ending has finally come to me, and I need to write it down while I’m feeling the emotions of every word.
I finally fall asleep once the words are written.
The next morning starts early as we head up the other side of the mountain to the beautiful view I remember. Clay stays steps in front of me but keeps an eye on me. I’ve decided to enjoy the trip and take it all in like it’s new and to mingle with some of the other hikers, even though they’ve traveled in pairs.
We make it to the other side to admire the sunset. Oranges and yellows paint the sky as the sun makes its descent. We all set up camp again, and Clay builds a fire.
We cook our food in the foil packets, and I take a seat next to Clay. He starts singing, and the others join in. I start to sing and then giggle, recalling what Silas told me. So instead, I hum along and enjoy the evening. For a brief moment in time, I forget about the ache I feel inside.
The rest of the trip, I spend a lot of time with Clay, getting to know him. He’s from Utah and grew up hiking in the red clay mountains. He’s always known adventure. It’s no wonder he’s never been able to give it up. He’s a happy, gorgeous soul I’ve grown very fond of in a short period of time.
As I’m packing up my bag for our last trek back, Clay comes up and stands in front of me. “Do you need any help?”
By the look on his face, I know he wants to say something else. “No, I think I have it all.”
He runs his hand down my arm and stops when his hand touches mine. He twines his fingers with me. “I’ve thoroughly enjoyed meeting you, Olivia McDill.”
Totally out of character for me, I stand on my tiptoes and brush my hands over his lips, then kiss him. “Thank you for making me feel alive again.”
He kisses me back and then pulls away. “I sort of lied to you.” He brushes my hair out of my face.
“About what?” I search his eyes.
He reaches into his back pocket and hands me a white envelope. “I know it’s not a video by the feel of it, but he sent me this in case you ever came out here.”
“Why didn’t you give it to me when I asked you?”
“Because I’m a selfish bastard. I wanted to get to know you. I knew whatever Silas said in this letter would make you crawl back into your shell, and I wanted to get to know the woman he told me about.”
I can’t argue with his thinking. He’s right. I probably would’ve packed my gear and hiked back out by myself.
“I’ll finish getting the others ready if you want to read it.” I take it from him and release my hand from his. I walk over to a tree setting outside our camp area and sit on the grass, leaning against it. My hand shakes as I open it. A brown corded necklace with a silver medallion on it falls out. I pick it up and lay it in the palm of my hand. It says, “Always in my heart” on one side, and “Silas” on the other.
I grasp it and unfold the handwritten letter.
* * *
I knew you would come back here at some point. This letter isn’t to tell you life goes on. You may have even found someone else by now. I don’t know how long it took you to get the courage to travel here.
The letter is to tell you how much you were loved by me. You’re my heart and letting go of you is by far the hardest thing I ever had to do.
That day at the camp, by the lake, the moment I kissed you, I knew I’d never kiss another. You were so damn beautiful you made my heart ache. You’re not only beautiful and sexy on the outside, but the inside is just as gorgeous. You’re the best person I know, and you made me a better man, and I’m so thankful for the life we shared together. No other woman was made to fit me so well.
If you’re here, where we first met, then you didn’t curl up and die, and I’m so proud of you for your strength. You have an entire life in front of you, and I’m so happy that I was a part of it, even if it was only a small portion in the big scheme of things. Whoever you meet or have met, give them your heart completely like you did me. It wouldn’t be fair to hold on to a man that’s gone. Love him with everything you have. You deserve to be loved the same.
I loved you, Liv. Thank you for the gift of you. No matter where I am, you will always be my heart.
* * *
Silas
* * *
I bite my lip, determined not to have a meltdown. I fold the letter and place it in my bag and fasten the necklace around my neck. I will hike out of here with a smile, knowing that I was loved by him and wouldn’t have changed one moment of our lives together. I would lose him all over again if it meant I shared part of my life with him.
I make the hike back, admiring the beauty and commit it to memory. It’s part of the beauty I shared with Silas. When we get back to base camp, I linger around until all the other hikers have headed out.
“I’m sorry I lied to you, Liv.” Clay walks up next to me.
“No, it’s really okay. You were right. In my mind-set at the beginning of the hike, I would’ve left in tears. I got to enjoy this place all over again and make a new friend.”
He steps up close to me. “You know, if I were ever going to give up my life, I’d love to be more than friends with you.” He kisses me, deeper this time, and I give in quickly.
When our lips part, I realize I do feel something for him, but I have unfinished business with Silas. “I’m not ready for anything yet, anyway.” I touch his lips with my fingertips. “I’m very glad I met you. You’ve helped me more than you know.”
“I’m the one who’s thankful to have met you. You’re one remarkable woman, and Silas was the luckiest man in the world.” He puts his finger under the silver medallion and reads it. “If there is anything you ever need, Noah knows how to get a hold of me.”
“Well, if you’re ever in the States, Noah knows where to find me.” I laugh.
“You never know. I just may show up on your doorstep, declaring my undying love for you.” His eyes twinkle as he teases me.
“That I doubt. This is your love.” I look around the base camp.
“You’re right. I don’t think I could ever give this up. Silas was a lot smarter than m
e.” He chuckles.
“Take care of yourself, Clay.” I start to walk away.
“It will get easier. Don’t beat yourself up if you have bad days. You’re a strong woman,” he yells after me.
I turn and keep walking backward. “It may get easier, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over him.”
Chapter 10
“I want to hear all about your trip.” Charlie is putting the finishing touches on dinner. She insisted that I come over and eat with them.
“Did you tell her the good news yet?” Noah slips in behind her and grabs a roll. She gives him a look as if to tell him to shut up.
“This evening is all about Liv. I want to know every detail of your trip.” She turns to me and smiles.
“Don’t be silly. I’d love to hear the news.” I look over my shoulder. “Where are the boys?”
“They went to their grandparents’ house for the weekend, so Charlie and I could have some alone time.”
Murphy, who is under the table, lays his head in my lap. “I missed you, boy. Did you have fun with the kids?” I scoot my chair back and kiss the top of his head.
“He loved it, but he was so dirty, the boys and I had to give him a bath.”
“I’ve always wondered why a dog that loves to swim hates getting a bath?” I laugh.
“I don’t know, but I think the boys had more soap on them than Murphy.” He chuckles.
Charlie places a hot out of the oven meatloaf on the table.
“Mmmm, babe, that smells so good.” He playfully pats her on the ass and winks at her.
“So, what’s this good news?” I pick up my glass of water and take a sip.
“Can’t we just talk about your trip?” She places the rest of the food on the table.
“I’m beginning to think you don’t want to tell me.” I cock an eye at her.
