by Chase, T. A.
you’ll never forgive me, but if you just open your eyes, I’ll know I haven’t completely fucked up.”
Who was talking to him? What was the man’s fault? Had something happened to Peter?
He tried to remember the last thing he’d been doing, but nothing came to mind.
And why did it feel like there were weights tied to his arm? He couldn’t move, and that
scared him more than anything else.
“Please, Peter, I love you, and if you don’t get better, I might as well go kill myself.
You’re the best thing I’ve ever had in my life, and I’m very sorry.”
The man loved him? Peter really wanted to know who the person was next to him.
They’d obviously had some kind of relationship if the man was going to kill himself if Peter didn’t get better.
Get better? Did that mean Peter had got the flu? If that was true, at least it meant he
wasn’t stupid enough to get drunk, since he rarely drank that much.
“What are you doing here? Haven’t you done enough damage?”
The second voice sounded familiar, but Peter found his brain was foggy and not very
clear. He couldn’t bring any faces or names to mind. He wanted to shout at them to either tell him their names or get the hell out of his room. He couldn’t take them chattering so close to him without knowing who they were.
“I’m sorry.”
Another apology. What kind of man was so defeated, he apologised to everyone around
him? Peter wished he could move, so he could pat the first man on the shoulder and tell him
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things couldn’t be that bad. At least Peter was still breathing, even if he couldn’t see a damn thing.
“Sorry doesn’t cut it when you put Peter here in the first place.”
“I know.”
“Randy, leave Chaz alone.”
A third voice joined the conversation, and Peter wondered how many people were
standing in his room without him knowing. God, he hoped he was wearing clothes because it would totally suck if he was naked.
“I promise that the minute he opens his eyes, I’ll leave. I just want to see him open his eyes for a second.” Chaz coughed, and somehow it sounded like there were tears in his voice.
“He means everything to me. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“No one ever means for accidents to happen, Chaz, but you could have prevented it.”
Randy said.
Exhaustion washed over Peter, and he fought against the urge to sink back into the
darkness he’d swum up from. He wanted to give Chaz the one thing he seemed to need so
desperately. Gathering all his strength and last bit of energy, he prised his eyes opened.
The man called Chaz was standing right next to Peter’s bed, and his hand rested on
Peter’s arm. Peter blinked, knowing there was something really important about the guy.
Could Peter be in love with him as well? He grunted in annoyance at not being able to
remember anything.
“Peter, do you know where you are?”
Chaz turned to look at Peter after Randy spoke, and Peter found himself surrounded by
the pain and guilt swirling in Chaz’s gaze.
“It’s all right,” Peter tried to say, but he couldn’t get his mouth to work, and the
darkness swelled up to drag him back down before he could do anything more than meet
Chaz’s eyes.
* * * *
When Peter opened his eyes, he found himself staring at Chaz, who was sitting in a
chair next to the bed Peter was lying in.
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“Where am I? What happened?” He caught sight of the bandage on Chaz’s forehead.
“Are you all right?”
Chaz cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m fine. Came out of the accident with only minor
scrapes and bruises. You’re in the hospital, Peter. We hit an on-coming truck.”
“How long have I been here?” Peter tried to move, but pain stabbed him like a knife,
causing him to whimper.
“It’s been two days since the accident. You woke up for a few seconds yesterday, but
slipped unconscious again. The nurse will be back in a few minutes. She’ll be able to get you your pain meds.” Chaz dropped his gaze to the floor. “I swerved into the other lane, and, since I’d had a few beers, I couldn’t correct the truck enough to get back into our lane.”
Even though his mind was befuddled, Peter heard the guilt in Chaz’s voice and he
focused on his lover.
“I remember hearing you talking to me, and how it was all your fault. Was it really?
Have you been lying to me about the pills? Had you taken drugs before we got in the
vehicle?”
Chaz nodded, then pushed to his feet. He walked to the door of the room. “I took some
before I left the arena, then I had a couple beers at the restaurant. I thought I was okay to drive, but I wasn’t. You almost died.”
Peter realised he was in the strangest place, caught somewhere between loathing and
loving. The tears in his eyes caused Chaz’s image to blur. Peter pressed his hand to his
mouth, waiting until he got his emotions under control.
“I can’t do this anymore,” he admitted.
Chaz stared at him from where he stood on the other side of the room. “I know.”
“I love you so much, but you’ll never love me like I need. You’re in love with the drugs, Chaz, and until you break their hold on you, I’ll always come in a distant second.”
His heart shattered when Chaz didn’t deny what he’d said. Peter wished he could roll
over, and show his back to Chaz, but the cast on his arm and his broken ribs prevented it. So he simply looked away.
“I love you, Peter, but I know I’m not good enough for you. I hope someday I will be,
and that when the time comes you’ll be ready to see me.” Chaz cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant for that to happen.”
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Peter listened to Chaz’s footsteps fade as the man walked away from him. Now that he
was alone, he could let the tears fall. He sobbed into his pillow, pounding his mattress with his good hand.
Why did God hate him so much? Hadn’t he always been a good person? Unlike his
family, he didn’t believe that all his bad luck resulted from his being gay. No, God didn’t care about that. There had to be another flaw inside him that made it easy for people to walk away.
“Hush now, honey. It’ll be all right.”
Peter wasn’t surprised when he heard Les’ voice right before a warm body joined him
in the bed. Two strong arms embraced him. He sank into the comfort Les offered him,
knowing he could take all he needed and never be judged weak.
“I saw Chaz leaving,” Les murmured.
Peter hiccupped, then said, “I told him I can’t do it anymore. The drugs are his real love and I’m a distant second.”
“Good for you.”
He jerked when Tony spoke, not having realised there were others in the room.
“He was just going to break your heart. Better to end it now, than have him drag you
down his self-destructive path.” Tony sounded angry. “Hell, he almost got you killed
because he was high.”
“Shut up, Tony. Peter doesn’t need to hear that shit from you.”
Peter had rarely heard Les speak like that to anyone, much less one of his closest
friends, yet there was true anger in his voice as he continued.
“If you can’t keep your opinion to yourself righ
t now, then you can leave. Peter needs
our love and support, not you releasing your anger at Chaz on him.”
Still keeping his eyes closed, Peter held out his good hand. “Tony?”
The callused hand that gripped his was Tony’s. Peter could tell by the scar running the
width of Tony’s palm, where a piece of fencing had sliced it open.
“I’m sorry, Peter. Les is right. Just because I’m pissed off doesn’t mean I should let it go here.”
He tightened his fingers. “You’re pissed off and scared. Not just at what happened to
me, but you’re thinking about all those events Chaz worked. You’re trying to figure out how
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many of them Chaz did while stoned. All you can see is the risk he put you and other riders in.”
“And the risk he took with you. I don’t care what the fuck he does to himself, Peter, but when he starts endangering people I care about, that’s when I draw the line.”
Tony grunted and Peter imagined someone, more than likely Brody, had elbowed him.
“Don’t. He has the right to feel that way. I just can’t deal with everyone right now. I’d like to be alone.”
“All right, everyone. Head to the cafeteria and make up a schedule about who is going
to sit with Peter. He’s not left alone for a minute.” Les organised the troops.
Peter didn’t have the energy to tell them he didn’t need babysitting like a child. As
much as he’d prefer to be alone, he was secretly glad that they cared so much about him to rearrange their lives so he didn’t get lonely.
There was a brush of fingers over his head as each person left. The only person who
didn’t leave was Les, and somehow Peter had known he wouldn’t. Once the door had closed
behind them, Les climbed out of bed to walk around the foot. When Peter felt Les’ gaze on his face, he opened his eyes.
Les touched his cheek for a second before he pulled up a chair to sit in. “I know it’s
hard, and it will take time for the hurt to fade. I’m not telling you to rush or anything.”
Peter frowned. He hurt and ached in so many places, all he wanted to do was curl up
under his blankets and sleep forever. He wasn’t up for riddles or mind games.
“What are you trying to tell me, Les?”
His friend smiled before saying, “What I’m trying to say is give him time. Chaz looked
devastated when he walked away from here. I wouldn’t be surprised if he entered a rehab
centre right from here.”
Peter shot Les an incredulous glance. “You’re kidding me, right? I thought he’d quit
while he stayed with me in August. I should’ve known better.
“Sometimes people need a wake-up call, Peter. They need to see what they can lose if
they don’t change their path. Yet I think, for Chaz, he didn’t want to admit that losing you could be the worst thing for him.” Les took a deep breath before continuing. “For most of his life, the most terrible event that could happen to Chaz was losing his job. He couldn’t see his future without bullfighting.”
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Shaking his head, Peter grunted. “I still don’t understand why it should make any
difference to me. He never loved me enough to try and break his addiction, Les. Are you
trying to make me feel guilty about sending Chaz away? Or sympathy for what he did?”
Les stood, then moved off to the window. He braced his hand against the glass as he
stared out. “No, I don’t want you to feel guilty or sympathetic. You have every right to be angry and hurt by what he did. I’m not saying that. I just want you to know that there might come a time when you will need to forgive him for you to move on. Please, don’t let the
bitterness and hurt block you from doing that.”
“You said he always saw not being a bullfighter as the worst thing that could happen to
him. Has something changed? What could have changed now that hadn’t in the months since
I met him?” Peter scrubbed his hand over his face.
Maybe he was just too inexperienced or young to understand what Les was talking
about, though Peter had no doubt Randy would totally know what was going on. So it
probably didn’t have anything to do with age.
“What changed was the car accident. Suddenly Chaz was faced with the realisation that
he could lose the one thing he never thought he’d find.” Les turned around to look at him.
“He could have lost you, Peter, and I think it hit home. The EMTs told me how he acted
while they were pulling you out of the truck. Chaz was freaking out to the point where the fire rescuer guys had to hold him from going after you.”
Peter wasn’t sure he believed that, though he could vaguely remember hearing
someone shouting even louder than the firefighters and EMTs who were trying to get him
out of the vehicle. But he had no clue whether it was Chaz or not.
“Chaz discovered you meant more to him than his job ever would, because in the end
his job was finite. He wasn’t going to be a bullfighter much longer. His body was breaking down, and it didn’t matter how many pills he popped. Peter, when he saw you lying there,
his world came crashing down around him, and he had the revelation that he loves you.”
Snorting, Peter rolled his eyes. Sure, Chaz loved him so much, the man had got behind
the wheel high, and when Peter had called him on it, he’d just left the room. Jesus!
Everything was all fucked up, and Peter didn’t know what to do. Tears leaked from the
corners of his eyes.
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Les returned to the bed, then wiped Peter’s cheeks. “I know it doesn’t seem like he cares about anything except the drugs, but honey, he does love you. Trust me, I know what love
looks like, and Chaz had that expression on his face the entire time he sat by your bed.”
“He was here?”
Les nodded. “Yes, until you opened your eyes the first time. You weren’t really awake,
but we knew you’d be okay then. When that happened, he left to let us be with you. He knew you wouldn’t really want to see him, and considering how Tony feels about him at the
moment, it was a good idea on his part.”
Peter hadn’t known Chaz had been there. The last time he remembered Chaz being
around him, aside from a few minutes ago, was inside the truck.
He closed his eyes and sighed. “Right now, I don’t know what I think or feel, Les. I just want to heal and get out of here. Once they release me, I’ll think about what I’m doing.”
“Understandable.” Les trailed his fingers over Peter’s forehead, soothing him. “Go to
sleep, Peter. One of us will be here when you wake up.”
Exhaustion overwhelmed him, and he drifted along the tide of sleep, more than willing
to forget everything going on around him.
* * * *
After flopping onto a bench outside the hospital, Chaz buried his face in his hands and
sobbed. How the hell had he got so bad that he would risk Peter’s life because he was high?
Jesus Christ! He was so stupid, and had been so reckless with something so precious and rare that once it was broken, he’d never be able to fix it.
He remembered how relieved he’d felt when he’d seen Peter open his eyes in hospital.
Chaz didn’t know what he would have done if Peter had never regained consciousness. It
hadn’t mattered that the surgeons weren’t worried about Peter’s recovery. All that mattered was how guilty Chaz would have felt if anything else
had happened to his love.
“You love him, don’t you?”
He dropped his hands before shooting to his feet. Les stood in front of him, arms folded
over his chest. He studied Chaz’s face, obviously noting his tear tracks and his absolutely wrecked expression.
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“Of course I love Peter, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I destroyed any chance I had
with him.” Chaz rubbed the back of his neck. “Also, I’m going to lose my job when the head of the PBR hears about this accident.”
“That’s not the important thing in all of this. You love Peter, and it’s the only thing that matters. What would you do to get him back? Would you not contact him for at least six
months, and go into rehab until you can beat the addiction?”
Chaz frowned, but only hesitated for a second before he said, “Yes, I’d do all of that, for even a moment with Peter to tell him how very sorry I am for everything I did.”
“I’ll pay for the rehab and to get you there. When you get out, if you stay clean for at
least six months after that, I’ll see what I can do about getting you a job. But you can’t contact Peter at all until you’ve completed all of my requirements.” Les stared at Chaz intently.
“Why do this? After what I did to Peter, I’d think you’d be like the rest of your friends and want nothing to do with me. Or, like Tony, want to kick my ass.” Chaz wrapped his
arms around his waist, trying his best not to shake.
Les turned away to look at the far-distant mountains. “Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m
very angry with you. You took something so delicate and fine, and damaged it. It’s not
irreparable damage, but still you almost destroyed it. It’s going to take some time and lots of love to fix what was broken.”
Chaz bit his bottom lip to keep from screaming at Les that he knew all the terrible
things he’d done to Peter. Les didn’t have to go over the list any more when Chaz could see it in his head, taunting him.
“But like I said, it can be fixed, and I don’t think you did any of it on purpose to hurt Peter. I’m not excusing you for taking the drugs. It was your choice to keep using them, even after you should have discontinued or sought help from your doctors. You’ll have to deal
