Whew. “Thank you. I need all the friends I can get.”
She pulled her napkin out and put it in her lap as the waiter set a basket of warm bread on the table. She took a slice, surprising me as she usually avoided the bread.
“Back on the carbs, huh?”
She laughed. “I allow myself to indulge when I go out. Maybe when we’re done here, we can get dessert. There is a bakery down the street that has some delicious cupcakes.”
“No.” My jaw tensed.
She frowned. “You have something against cupcakes? I know they seem like a child’s food—”
“It’s not that.” I looked away not wanting to talk about Petal.
“Either you had a traumatic experience with a cupcake or maybe cupcakes make you think of the woman you love.”
Fuck. I didn’t want to talk about this. “Tell me about the next round of treatments.”
She sighed and answered my questions. Thankfully, during dinner, our conversation remained within safe guardrails. That is until we were finishing up.
“Do you remember that you proposed to me here? You were on a 48-hour leave, and we spent about 47 of it in bed, and one here.”
There was a time that the memory would have been painful. I’d bought her ring while I was abroad, knowing I was coming home for a short stay, and wanting to commit to her. A lot of thought and planning had gone into it.
“I remember.”
“Cy?”
I looked up at her, holding my breath for what she might say.
“I know you’ve moved on. And I know I’ve hurt you. But now that you’re home. Maybe we can start over. Maybe not now. I know you’ll need time to heal after leaving South Dakota, but I’ll wait.”
“You’re kidding me? Now you’ll wait?” Anger flashed white hot at her words.
She had the good sense to look chagrined. “I know I messed up. I ruined a wonderful relationship. One I realize now was worth the wait.” She waved her hands. “Maybe this is too soon. But over time, maybe your feelings will change.”
“Like how your feelings changed while I was gone?” She really had some nerve.
“My feelings for you never changed, Cy. I just…needed someone and you weren’t there.”
“I’m not going to apologize or feel guilty for serving my country, Lora. I know it couldn’t have been easy to be in a relationship with someone who was gone a lot. Had you stuck it out and married me, you would have been able to move where I was stationed, so we wouldn’t have been apart as much.”
“I’m not blaming you, Cy. It’s my fault. And you’re right. I should have stuck it out. My point is, maybe someday, we can move past all that. I do still love you.”
It was a strange thing to have the woman I wanted to hear those words from not say them and the woman I didn’t want to hear the words from, say them. My life was assbackwards.
24
Petal
I blamed the witch’s outfit for my current state of depression. Had I not worn that outfit on Halloween, Cyrus and I probably wouldn’t have had the sex that led me down this path to feeling heartbroken that he was now gone. This wasn’t the first time I’d lost in love, but this time around was really doing me in. I wasn’t just sad, I was exhausted. My depression was impacting me physically. Sometimes I felt like I was coming down with the flu.
But I pushed forward. I interviewed a couple of women but told them I wouldn’t be making a decision until after Thanksgiving, although as the day approached, I wished I’d hire someone sooner as it was nearly impossible for me to get everything done.
On Thanksgiving morning, I headed over to April and Jude’s place, wanting to stay home and in bed instead. I plastered on my perky face and walked in ready to have a festive time. This was my pseudo family now that my parents were gone, and being with them would surely boost my mood.
Along with April and Jude, and their kids, Conner and August were there. Any other time, I’d been having a wonderful time, joking with August, playing with Maya and Bertie, and gossiping with April. And I did my best to make small talk and take an interest in the football game on TV, but it took a herculean effort.
At one point I took a break, heading into the kitchen under the guise to check on the turkey.
“Are you missing, Cyrus?” April asked. I turned, to see her leaning against the doorway of the kitchen with a wine glass in her hand.
“A little,” I admitted. “But he needs to be with his mom.”
She nodded as she approached me. She stared into my eyes and I was afraid she could see just how devastated I was. “Are you alright? You look…I don’t know…just not like my usual Petal.”
I mustered a smile. “I’m just tired. A lot has been going on.”
“You’re not pregnant, are you? I’ve never been so tired as when I was pregnant. Well that’s not true, I’m exhausted now with two kids.” She laughed at her joke.
Me? My heart stopped. Pregnant? No. I couldn’t be. I was about to dismiss it, but then when I tried to remember the last time that I’d had my period, I wasn’t sure. All of a sudden there was a flood of reasons why I could be suffering from more than depression. There was the occasional bout of nausea. The fact that we hadn’t used any birth control the first time. Oh God.
“Hey?” April looked at me with concern. “Really, Petal. What’s going on?”
I gave my head a quick shake. “Sorry. I made more cupcakes this week than I ever have. I think it’s just caught up with me.”
“I’m glad you’re hiring someone to help. Your business is only going to get better, and you can’t work yourself like this.” She set her wine glass on the counter and gave me a hug. “Let me take care of dinner. You don’t have to help. You go relax with the guys.”
“I think I’ll go hang with Maya. See what sorts of science experiments she’s working on.”
“She’ll love that,” April said.
I was able to make it through dinner, but all the while in the back of my mind, I couldn’t stop thinking about April joking about being pregnant. As soon as I left, I drove to a twenty-four-hour grocery store that luckily didn’t close for Thanksgiving. Fortunately, it was in a part of town that I didn’t normally shop in so no one would recognize me. Not that I was famous, but I didn’t want anyone knowing what I was up to.
I bought two pregnancy tests from two different brands. Then I drove home and headed straight to my bathroom to take them. I wasn’t sure I’d ever done anything as nerve-wracking as taking a pregnancy test. The wait was the longest five minutes of my life. To distract me, I put on my pajamas and made a cup of hot chocolate. Was hot chocolate okay during pregnancy?
Finally, I returned to the bathroom, and with a deep breath to shore up my strength, I looked at the tests.
Pregnant.
My gut clenched. But maybe there was something wrong with the test. I looked at the second test.
Pregnant.
“Oh God.” I sank down onto the closed toilet seat. What did I do now? I could barely manage my life as it was, how would I include raising a child?
I closed my eyes as I realized I’d need to tell Cyrus. What would he think? God, he had enough on his plate now as well. I felt completely discombobulated and the only thing I could do was go to bed.
The next morning, I was up early and down at the bakery getting ready for Black Friday customers. I was putting out a batch of cupcakes before I remembered having taken the tests. Once again, the realization that I was carrying a child poleaxed me. But I didn’t have a lot of time to perseverate on it as customers started coming in. I was grateful for the distraction. And the business, because I knew babies were expensive to raise and I’d need to sell a lot of cupcakes.
While working kept my mind busy, when I closed up that afternoon, all I could think about was the baby. How would I tell Cyrus? It seemed like something I should tell him in person, but he was gone. Who knew when he’d be back, if ever? What would he say when he found out? He was a good man, so he
’d likely offer to help support us. He might even offer to marry me, but as much as I knew I loved him, I didn’t want him like that. I wanted a man to want to be with me for me, not for a baby.
Of course, being pregnant and having a child would make finding another man difficult. I went to my computer and deleted my dating profile. It wasn’t that hard as, while I’d met a few nice men online, none I was particularly interested in dating. I blamed that on Cyrus. He was too nice and too sexy for his own good.
Instead, I headed over a baby website to begin learning all that was involved in having a child. I knew some of it as I’d been with April when she found out she was pregnant and navigating her pregnancy and having Maya. But it was different watching from the outside and now being the person who was pregnant.
Exhausted from the day, I went to bed making a mental note to make a doctor’s appointment next week.
On Saturday, I went through the motions of the day, getting up early, baking, selling cupcakes, and then closing up, and going back to my apartment. Through the day, when I had down time, I continued to run through the litany of questions and concerns I had through my head, but by the end of the day, I knew I needed to call Cyrus.
So after having my dinner, I hit the redial on the call he’d made to me.
“Hello?” A woman answered the phone. She sounded older and I determined she had to be his mother. Why was she answering his phone?
“Hi, is Cyrus there? I thought this was his number.”
“This is our landline,” she said. “But he’s not here right now. You could try his cell phone but he’s at dinner with his fiancé so, maybe you could call later so as not to interrupt him.”
Fiancé? My heart sank. My lips trembled as the tears started to fall. It made sense that he’d get back with his ex. He was home now. I knew she’d been helping with his mother. And he’d loved her enough to propose to her once. Apparently, they’d reconciled. Boy, that was fast. Or maybe it had been happening during his trips home. Had he been sleeping with us both? I dismissed that idea. Cy wasn’t the type. Was he?
“Thank you,” I somehow managed to say.
“I can take a message if you want.”
“No. Thank you.” I hung up before she could say anything more. I made it to bed before I let myself weep. The depth of my devastation was proof that a part of me still hoped that maybe he loved me too. That he’d miss me and come back to Bismarck. That he’d be a family with me and this baby. But his mother burst that bubble. He’d moved on. He probably didn’t even look back.
Now what did I do? If I told him now, would that ruin his relationship with his ex…his fiancé? He had the right to know, but I didn’t want to ruin his life, either. And I didn’t want to take his time and attention away from his mother.
Damn that witch’s costume.
25
Cyrus
I was stunned at what Lora was saying.
“My point is, maybe someday, we can move past all that. I do still love you.”
I looked down. “Lora.” God, how did I tell her I didn’t love her especially after all she’d done for me.
“You don’t have to say anything now.” She reached out and put her hand over mine.
I pulled it away, not wanting her to get her hopes up that my feelings would change. Not as long as Petal was still taking up so much space in my heart.
Her expression fell.
“I’m sorry,” I said feebly.
“You’re not ready. I get it. You’ve just returned home and your mom needs you, so I understand. I just want you to know that I’m here for you too. Even as just a friend.”
I have a friend, I thought. A friend I was desperately missing.
The truth was, over time, perhaps my feelings for Petal would wane, and I could fall for Lora again. We could probably be content. We were before. But after spending time with Petal, I knew that content wasn’t what I wanted. With Petal, there was laughter and brightness. She challenged me and made me feel whole, as much as fucking cliché that that was.
“I appreciate that, Lora. Right now, I do need to focus on my mom. Speaking of which, I should get home. She seemed particularly tired tonight.” It was probably all the excitement of thinking I was getting back together with Lora.
“Yes, of course.”
I paid for dinner and escorted Lora out of the restaurant. On the way home, she chatted about various people we’d known before and what they were doing, but all I could think about was wanting to call Petal. I needed to hear her voice. Her laughter. I need to imagine how her green eyes would light up when she smiled while we spoke on the phone.
I wondered if she missed me like I was missing her. Probably not. Her dating card was likely filled with men wanting to take her out. I gripped the steering wheel as jealousy roared through me.
“Did I say something wrong?” Lora said next to me.
“What?”
“You just growled and you’re white knuckling the steering wheel.”
“Oh.” I flexed my hands. “Sorry. I was just thinking…about my mom.”
Lora put her hand on my thigh. “She’s going to get through this Cy. So far treatment is going according to norms.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s working.”
“No. But your mom is strong. So are you.”
I pulled into the driveway.
“Do you mind if I come in and check on her before heading home?” Lora asked.
I nodded. “I’d appreciate it if you did.”
As we walked up to the door, I stopped Lora. “Listen, I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want, now. I feel like a jerk considering all you’ve done for us.”
She smiled up at me and I thanked God she wasn’t a woman to connive or retaliate because I needed her to help with my mom.
“I put you in a difficult situation, and I’m the one who should be sorry. I can see you’re still hurting over the other woman.” She bit her lower lip. “I won’t deny that I’m jealous of her. But I know I’m at fault. If I’m lucky, I’ll have a chance to make it up to you. But regardless, I’m here for you and your mom.”
“Thank you.”
I opened the door. “Mom, we’re back.”
I heard a moan. “Oh hell. Mom!” I scanned the living room but didn’t see her. I rushed back to her bedroom; she wasn’t there either.
“Cy!” Lora called.
I rushed out to the kitchen. My mom was on the floor.
“Jesus, mom.” I dropped down next to her, holding her hand. I wanted to cradle her, but I wasn’t sure what was wrong with her and I didn’t want to make it worse by moving her.
“Cy?” she said, her voice held a distance.
“I’ll call 9-1-1,” Lora said.
“What happened? Did you fall?”
My mom grabbed my hand, but didn’t say anything.
“Mom! Mom! Talk to me.”
Ten minutes later, she was loaded into an ambulance. I followed it with Lora to the hospital and then started the long vigil of pacing as we waited to find out what was wrong.
“I should have never left her.” What had I been thinking?
“You can’t blame yourself, Cy. She’d hate that,” Lora said.
“I should have been there. Jesus, what happened?” I strode to the doors behind which doctors were working on my mother. “What’s taking so long?”
Lora rubbed my back. “They’re running tests to figure out what happened. It takes time. Let’s get some water.”
“I don’t want water. I want to know what the fuck happened to my mom.”
“You will, Cy. Just let them make their diagnosis and treat her.”
I scraped my hands over my face wishing to hell that Petal was here. I don’t know what she’d have done, but I still could have used her here.
“Come on. They’re doing everything they can and when they have something to tell us, they’ll let us know.” Lora nudged me away from the doors.
I let her lead me back to the wait
ing area. I sat down, but immediately rose and paced. I had too much pent up anxiety to simply sit.
It felt like forever before a doctor came out.
“Mr. Blake?”
“I’m Mr. Blake,” I said, rushing to him.
“Your mom is resting now. She fainted. Nothing is broken and she doesn’t have a concussion, but she is anemic and dehydrated, which is why she fainted.”
“What? We’ve been taking care of her.” I looked at Lora wondering if my trust in her was misplaced. Then again, I’d been home and taking care of her meals.
“It’s not uncommon in leukemia patients. She may have a loss of appetite from her treatments. You’ll want to be diligent in making sure she’s eating and drinking enough.” He went on to provide more things I could do to make sure my mom was getting adequate nutrition.
“Can she come home?” I asked.
He nodded. “We’re going to keep her a little bit longer, but yes, you’ll be able to take her home in a bit.”
“Can I see her?”
The doctor smiled, but I wasn’t feeling very assured. “Yes. I’m sure she’d like to see you and your wife.”
“What?” I asked.
But he’d already turned and headed through the doors indicating me and Lora should follow.
“I can wait,” Lora said.
“You can come,” I said by rote. I didn’t really care if she came with me or not. I was too focused on seeing my mother.
“I suggest you put a smile on your face, Mr. Blake. It won’t do her any good to have you look like you’ve lost your mother.”
It took me a moment, but I mustered a smile. Or at least got rid of my grimace.
“Mom.” I stepped up to the bed. She still looked so small and frail.
“Oh Cy. I’m such a burden. I ruined your date.”
“No, mom.” I took her hand. “We were done.”
She looked over at Lora. “I’m glad you came too. I know he’s a strong man, but he needs you.”
Lora glanced at me probably wondering if I was going to contradict her.
Friends to Lovers: A Secret Pregnancy Romance (Heart of Hope Book 6) Page 16
