“You’ve gotten sappy with marriage,” I said.
He laughed. “Yeah, well, sappy is nice.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ve gotta run. I’ll let Petal know you’re the one picking her up.”
“Thanks man.”
Later that afternoon, I drove Petal back to the airport. The car was quiet, yet the need to talk hung heavy in the air. I couldn’t get myself to say the words. Hell, I didn’t know what words to say.
The airport was just in sight, when Petal asked, “How come you want me to think you and Lora are engaged?”
Fuck. I’d forgotten about that again. “I don’t.”
She glanced at me and then back out the window. She didn’t challenge me or ask me about it. She was withdrawing. All of a sudden, the car felt colder. Sadder.
“I just forgot to correct your assumption,” I said. Why was I feeling desperate for her to understand? She was the one who’d been withholding more important information that I did.
“Well, from what I’ve seen, you can still win her back, if you want.”
“Gee thanks Petal.” I shook my head. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I’m just saying that she’s still in love with you. I don’t think she likes that I’m having your baby, but she still loves you and wants to be with you.”
My jaw tightened. “Do you want me to take her back?”
She flinched.
“Because for the life of me, I don’t know why you’re talking about this.”
Her lips trembled and she turned away. Fuck, was she crying? Why couldn’t we talk?
“I just want you to be happy, Cy. I’m not going to try and trap you or ask you for something you don’t want to give. I know we’re just friends. You don’t need to have a fake engagement to keep me away.”
“There’s no fake engagement. I just didn’t correct your assumption. Who told you anyway?”
“Your mom asked me why I didn’t tell you about the baby and I told her about my call when she said you were out with your fiancé, and my concerns about causing you more stress or hurting your relationship with Lora. When she first told me you weren’t engaged, I felt bad that I’d ruined that for you. But then she said you never reconciled.”
I closed my eyes for a second and then was pissed at feeling guilt over that. “So, you felt justified in withholding the information about the baby because you didn’t want to make Lora mad at me?”
“No. I know you don’t believe me. I was going to tell you, I just…I don’t know.” She rested her head on the window. “I don’t know.”
It was so strange to see Petal so despondent. She’d been the woman to bring me sunshine and brightness, and now all that was gone.
“Anyway, she said you’d never reconciled. She wanted you to though.”
I nodded, but didn’t respond as I pulled in front of the airport.
“You can just let me off here,” she said when we reached the sign for her airline.
I parked and got out, getting her suitcase from the back.
“Really Cy. You don’t need to come in.”
I looked down at her, and a barrage of feelings collided in my chest. The worst of which was feeling like this moment was do or die for us. With the baby, it wasn’t like I wouldn’t see her again, and yet it felt like when she left to get on the plane, something between us would be gone forever. But I didn’t know what it meant or what I needed to do.
“I told your mom I’d ship her some more cupcakes. I’ll include some peanut butter chocolate ones.” She turned to leave.
“Petal.” Fuck. What did I need to say? What should I do?
She turned and looked back.
“Thank you for being so good to my mom.”
She smiled. “Take good care of her, Cy. The baby needs a grandma like her.” She turned away again and walked into the terminal.
I don’t know how long I stood there like an idiot before I got back in the car and drove home, knowing I hadn’t said or done the thing that would have bridged the chasm between us.
34
Petal
As the wheels lifted off the runway, I turned my head toward the window and quietly cried. The weekend had gone well, and yet I was so sad. Every time I was with Cyrus, I felt like I was walking on eggshells, worried I was going to say or do something to ruin our fragile friendship. And then I learned he didn’t correct me on my assumption about his and Lora’s engagement. No, not an assumption. His mother called Lora his fiancé. But he hadn’t straightened me out on that. Why? Did he want me to believe it?
To make matters worse, after everything, I still cared for him. I loved him. I wished I could tell him that. If I had the courage, I’d have told him everything. Like how much I looked forward to his coming in for his daily cupcake and coffee. How much I admired him even before he dedicated his life to his mother’s care. How much I loved him. I’d tell him that I wanted us to be a family with our baby. But I wasn’t brave enough. I had to settle for the fact that he didn’t seem so angry at me anymore.
His mother was a joy. She seemed weak in body, her mind and spirit were strong. It was clear she loved Cyrus and did a tremendous job raising him all on her own. Even with Cyrus away in a different state, I knew I wouldn’t be completely alone in raising this child.
I wondered if things would have been different if I’d tried harder, sooner to tell him about the baby? Or if I’d told him before that how I felt. The unknown factor for me was in how he felt. He was a good person who was going to do the right thing by me and the baby. He was clearly attached to the baby already, but I didn’t know how he felt about me. Was I still just a friend that he accidentally got pregnant? Was I more? Was I now less because he felt I betrayed him?
“Would you like something to drink?” the flight attendant asked me.
I shook my head, keeping my gaze out the window so she wouldn’t see my tears. “No thank you.”
A few hours later, we landed and I made my way through the airport. When I got to the front, Jude was waving at me and I remembered that Cy said he’d be picking me up.
“Hi Petal.”
“Jude, hi.”
“April had a thing with Maya and she asked that I pick you up. How was your trip?”
I studied Jude, wondering how he felt about Cyrus knocking me up. He didn’t look upset. “It was very nice. Cyrus has a lovely mother.”
“Is she getting better?” He took my suitcase and walked with me out the front doors. The blast of cold hit me, shocking me out of the warm lethargy being on the plane had given me.
“I don’t know. She seemed weak, but Lora said everything was going as it should.”
He stopped short and looked at me. “Lora? As in his ex?”
I nodded. “She’s a nurse and has been helping them.” I tried to smile so he’d think that was a good thing.
“Are she and Cy…?” He let the statement drift off.
“He says they aren’t. So does his mom.” I looked down not sure if I should tell him this. Finally, I said, “She still loves him though. I can tell.”
“What about Cy?” He continued to the car.
“He says it’s over between them.” Right as I said that, I wondered if that’s what he meant. Maybe he wasn’t asking about the relationship with Lora, but Cy’s state of mind in general. “He seems okay. He’s worried about his mom and I think he’s torn between feeling a duty to her and to me.”
Jude opened the passenger door for me. “I don’t envy him. Cy is an honorable guy. He’d definitely feel that way.”
He got into the driver’s seat and pulled away from the curb. “How about you, Petal? How are you doing?”
“Oh I’m fine.”
He glanced at me for a second. “April is worried about you.”
“My doctor said I was fine. I feel fine.”
He didn’t say anything for a minute. “I think she’s more worried about you emotionally.” He paused again. “I know it’s none of my business but wha
t is going on with you and Cy? I was told you’re just friends, but now there’s a baby involved.”
“We’re still friends.” I looked out the window as another wave of tears threatened.
“Will he be coming back to Bismarck when his mother is better?”
“I don’t know. But I don’t need him to raise this baby.”
His jaw tightened. “It’s not about what you need Petal.” He looked at me and his eyes were fierce. “I missed out on seven years of Maya’s life. April didn’t need me. She had you and August, but I’d do anything to have those years.”
I nodded, cursing myself for my insensitivity. “I’m not keeping Cyrus from the baby. But things are different between us. You and April were in love. Cy and I are just friends.”
“Are you sure about that?”
I worked to keep my face from showing my real feelings. “Yes. Of course. Why?”
“Cy never struck me as a friends-with-benefits sort of guy. Even after Lora ended, things, I’m not aware of any hookups even. He’s always seemed like an all-in kind of guy.”
I shrugged, not sure how to respond to that.
“I understand why he didn’t want me to know about you two, and I will say that if he hurts you, I will kick his ass.” Jude flashed me a grin.
I managed a smile in return.
“You’re a sister to me, so of course, I’ll make him pay. But I know Cy and he’ll try to do what’s right,” he said it with confidence. I had the same confidence in Cy.
“I know.”
“It’s too bad you can’t move to Chicago. Not that I want you to go and April would kill me if she knew I was saying this. It’s just a shame that you two have to be so far apart right now when there’s a baby involved.”
I wondered if I could go. I’d have to close my business. Was it hard to open a business in Chicago? It was a lot more expensive there, I was sure. Plus living expenses. I didn’t know if I could afford to make such a move.
Jude pulled up to the bakery.
“It’s still here,” I said.
He laughed. “April and Libby didn’t burn it down.”
“I knew they wouldn’t.” I got out of the car.
“It was smart to hire Libby. I’m glad you did that.” Jude pulled my suitcase out from the back of his SUV. “Babies take up a lot of time and energy.”
“How is Bertie?” I took my bag from him.
Jude grinned. “He’s great.”
“Proud papa.” I unlocked the door to my building. “Thank you for the ride, Jude. I enjoyed catching up with you.”
“You too, Petal. If there’s anything you need, really, just ask okay? You and Cy are important to me and April. We want to help you both as best we can. April has already set aside a bazillion onesies and socks to give you.”
I laughed and felt so grateful to have good friends like them. Life wasn’t perfect right now, but it wasn’t terrible either. I needed to remember that.
“Thank you, Jude.” I gave him a hug. “Pass that hug on to April, Maya and Bertie.”
“On my way to do it now.” He waited until I was inside heading up the stairs before returning to his vehicle.
I unlocked my door and entered my apartment. It was just how I’d left it. I put the items in my bag away and made a cup of tea.
My phone pinged with a text from Cyrus.
Did you make it home okay?
Like everything surrounding Cyrus, his message was bittersweet. I was glad he was thinking of me, but I knew it was just the good guy in him. It didn’t mean anything.
Yes. I’m having tea and then going to bed.
A few seconds later, another text came in.
Thank you for coming. My mother loved meeting you.
Another wave of bittersweet emotion flooded me. His mom loved meeting me, but not him.
I loved meeting her too. And seeing you. Thank you for inviting me.
Nothing came back, so I finished my tea and changed for bed. When I climbed into bed, my phone chimed again.
It was good seeing you too, Petal. Goodnight.
Christmas was a week away. My parents had been planning to fly up despite the cold to spend the holiday with me, but then my father wrenched his back playing golf and he couldn’t travel. They felt horrible about it, probably because they were concerned about me being alone and pregnant on Christmas. I did sound sort of pathetic. I assured them I’d be fine. The truth was, I was often so busy at the bakery, especially during the holidays, that it was nice to have some alone time.
April, of course, wasn’t going to have any of that. She invited me to her and Jude’s Christmas Eve party that was for close friends and family. She added the close friends because in the past it was just family. But she was insistent and then told me I needed to bring cupcakes. She definitely knew how to work me. But since I didn’t have anything else to do, and I did want to help her party by bringing cupcakes, I agreed to go. The truth was, in many ways she was my family. My sister. And I knew my life now would be infinitely more lonely and harder without her in it. Until Cyrus and I figured out how our relationship was going to work, I’d need April and Jude to be my emotional support.
35
Cyrus
When I’d returned from the airport after dropping Petal off, my mom was asleep. Lora was reading on the couch.
“Is she okay?” I asked Lora as I took my coat off and hung it in the closet.
“Yes. She really liked Petal.”
I glanced at her, wondering if she was jealous of that. A part of me wondered if she’d been using my mother’s affection to try and win me back.
“I liked Petal. She seems like a sweet woman,” Lora continued.
I nodded. “She is.”
I went to the kitchen and found the bottle of scotch I stashed in the cupboard above the refrigerator.
“Your mom will likely be in treatment for another couple of years, but the induction phase is done. The consolidation phase is next, which will only be a few months,” Lora said as she followed me to the kitchen.
“Yes, I know.” I knew my mother’s treatment schedule by heart.
“Will you be staying in Chicago then or returning to Bismarck?” She leaned against the counter.
I poured two fingers of scotch and turned to lean against the counter across from her. “I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
“What about Petal and the baby?”
My jaw tightened. “What about them?” I downed my scotch and turned to pour another shot trying not to tell her that this was none of her business.
“They’ll need you too.”
“I can’t be in two places at once, Lora.” I drank the shot and really wanted another, but pushed the bottle and glass away, turning back to her.
“No, you can’t. But maybe she can come here. Or your mom can go there.”
My brows furrowed as I wondered why she was telling me all this. “Mom doesn’t want to leave this house.”
Lora let out a small laugh. “She’d move to Timbuktu to be near her grandchild.” She pushed away from the counter. “I’ve got to run.” She stepped closer to me. “You surprise me, Cyrus.”
“Why? Because I forgot to use a condom?”
“No. Because you can’t seem to realize that Petal isn’t your friend.”
What the fuck?
“Cy, you’re in love with her. And from the few minutes I saw her, she’s in love with you.” She patted me on the chest. “I’ll check in tomorrow.” She walked past me and out the door, leaving me to wonder if what she said was true. Did April love me?
The next day my mom was up early. I found her in the kitchen, making coffee.
“Mom. Let me do that.”
“I’m not an invalid, Cy. I’m feeling stronger and I’m sick of being immobile.”
“Okay.” I held my hands up in surrender, but I stayed close just in case.
“Did Petal get home alright?” she asked as she poked the button on the coffee maker to start the brewing
.
“Yes.”
“Are you sure? Have you heard from her?” My mother went to the fridge and pulled out the eggs.
“Yes. I texted with her last night.”
She gave me a disapproving glare over her shoulder.
“What?”
“Cy, she’s having your baby. She flew out here to see us, and you just text?” She shook her head. “I raised you better.”
What the hell? “Why don’t you let me make the eggs,” I said. “You can sit down and tell me what’s going on with you.”
She handed me the eggs and sat at the table. “I hate that she’s all alone, Cy. It’s not a good feeling.”
“She’s not alone. We’re not there, but she has our support. And Jude and April are there.” I cracked eggs into a bowl and whisked them.
“It’s not the same. You should be there.”
I sighed and turned to her. “Right now, I need to be here with you.” I held my hand before she could argue. “Until you’re a hundred percent, you need me more.”
She looked down. “Be honest with me Cy. Do you love her?”
“Mom.” I turned and poured the eggs into the hot pan.
“Cy. This is important. If you can’t be honest with yourself about this, you deserve to feel as miserable as you look.”
Fuck, I looked miserable? I didn’t feel miserable. I felt torn. Ripped apart by duel responsibilities. I was gutted that I was failing Petal.
“Cy!” My mother’s sharp tone made me wince and brought back many times in my childhood when she reprimanded me.
I turned to look at her, feeling like I was eight years old again. “Yes, mom, I love her.” I turned back to the eggs, folding them until they were cooked through. Then I put them on plates, grabbed a couple of forks, and served them.
I sat across from my mother.
“Then why are you here?” she asked.
I rolled my eyes. “You know why. And so does Petal.”
“Does she know you love her?” My mother had a lot more spunk in her today, I noted as her sharp eyes honed in on me.
Friends to Lovers: A Secret Pregnancy Romance (Heart of Hope Book 6) Page 22
