Conversationally Speaking
Page 8
LINDA: No butter for me, Pat. I’m going on a diet.
PAT: Ha! I’ve heard you tell me that one before!
LINDA: You’re right in saying that I’ve failed in the past and I can’t blame you for not taking me seriously now. But this time I’m getting a doctor’s help and I am going to make it! (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)
BRINGING YOUR SKILLS TOGETHER:
TWO SAMPLE DIALOGUES
Dialogue One
MARIE: I don’t believe you’ll ever leave the bank and go into sales.
ROGER: Why do you say that, Marie? (Asks for Details.)
MARIE: Well, you’ve been at the bank eight years . . .
ROGER: True. (Agrees with the Truth.)
MARIE: And you’re used to getting a regular salary . . .
ROGER: True again. (Agrees with the Truth.)
MARIE: And I just don’t think you’ll want to give that up.
ROGER: You’re right, I don’t want to give that up. But I’m excited by the chance to do something new, to make a lot more. (Agrees with the Truth and Self-Discloses.)
MARIE: But . . . aren’t you pretty likely to fail? Don’t most people who try sales fail?
ROGER: I can see how you might think I’m likely to fail. The figures are pretty grim. But I’m willing to work long hours, and I’ve got a set of Pam Lontos’s tapes. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)
MARIE: I don’t know . . . I just don’t think of you as the salesman type.
ROGER: Why do you say that? (Asks for Details.)
MARIE: You’re not pushy enough.
ROGER: I understand your thinking—most salespeople are pushy. But I plan to be more of a consultant to my customers, and I’m hopeful that such an approach will work. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)
Dialogue Two
FATHER: Elliot, your mother and I don’t want you to move out.
ELLIOT: What don’t you like about my moving away? (Asks for Details.)
FATHER: That . . . that apartment of yours. It’s a lot smaller than our home. Why, you could fit the whole thing into your room here.
ELLIOT: That’s true. What about it’s being smaller bothers you? (Agrees with the Truth and Asks for Details.)
FATHER: For God’s sake, Elliot, you’ll be sleeping in the same bedroom with your roommate, what’s his name?
ELLIOT: Doug. That’s true. What is there about our sharing the bedroom that you don’t like? (Agrees with the Truth and Asks for Details.)
FATHER: Look, Elliot, I know you’re not “one of them” and your mother knows you’re not “one of them,” but what will your neighbors think?
ELLIOT: I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter to me. (Self-Discloses.)
FATHER: They’ll think you’re gay—that’s what they’ll think!
ELLIOT: You may be right. Why would it . . . (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion.)
FATHER: Why do you want to live there?
ELLIOT: I think I’ll enjoy living near the ocean. And I want to become a little more independent. (Self-Discloses.)
FATHER: Elliot, you’re hurting me and thumbing your nose at everything I’ve built.
ELLIOT: Dad, I can see how you might think that. A lot of people my age just blindly rebel against their parents. But that’s not the case with me. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)
The skills and the philosophy behind handling criticism constructively bring to mind the dream of the famous economist, Jean Monnet. Monnet hoped that one day, instead of confronting each other on opposite sides of the table, nations and their citizens would learn to share the same side of the table and confront their problems on the other side.
CHAPTER NINE
Resisting Attempts at Manipulation
Relatives, friends, and even strangers will occasionally try to get you to do things you don’t want to do by asking you over and over again, giving you lots of attractive reasons, and criticizing you for refusing. They figure that if they try hard enough and long enough, they will wear you down and win you over. If you give in, you’re likely to feel angry at the other person and disgusted with yourself.
There is, fortunately, an easy-to-learn technique, developed by Dr. Zev Wanderer, which will enable you to outlast even the most persistent manipulative attempt. It’s called broken record because it requires that you, like a broken record, repeat the same words over and over.
The three steps that precede your using broken record are the same ones that you can use in handling criticism. First, if you don’t understand the other person, ask for details. Second, once you are clear, agree with the truth or agree with the critic’s right to an opinion. Third, self-disclose the fact that you don’t want to do what is being asked of you, possibly adding your reasons.
Having done that, if the other person persists, use broken record by continuing to agree with whatever she says while repeating over and over, using the same words, the fact that you don’t want to do it. No one can argue with a broken record and so your would-be manipulator will probably soon give up.
The following sample dialogues, taken from training sessions for Conversationally Speaking instructors, illustrate how to use this valuable skill.
Dialogue One:
Stan Asks Genevieve to Solicit for Charity
STAN: Uh . . . Hello Genevieve.
GEN: Hi Stan. What’s new?
STAN: Well, Gen, I’m here to give you a chance to help your fellow man.
GEN: Really. How can I do that? (Asks for Details.)
STAN: Well, as you know, I collect for the United Way every year.
GEN: I’m glad you do, Stan. Wait a minute and I’ll get my purse.
STAN: Genevieve, I need a little more help this year. I’m going to be away on vacation during the drive.
GEN: Oh, that’s too bad, Stan.
STAN: You could do a good turn and really help me out of a jam if you’d collect from the neighbors in my place.
GEN: Gee, you’re right in saying it would be a good turn and it would help you out, but I’d rather not collect from the neighbors. (Agrees with the Truth and Self-Discloses.)
STAN: I’m sure you’d be very good at it. Everyone in the neighborhood likes you.
GEN: It’s nice of you to say that, but I’d rather not collect from the neighbors. (Broken Record.)
STAN: You know, of course, that it would only take an hour of your time.
GEN: I’m sure it would only take an hour, but I’d rather not collect from the neighbors. (Agrees with the Truth and Broken Record.)
STAN: And it would give you an opportunity to keep in touch with Ida and Charlotte and Alice and all your other friends. Besides, you said you wanted to meet the people down the block. Well, Gen, here’s your chance!
GEN: This would be a good chance to keep in touch with my old friends and meet the people down the block, but I’d rather not collect from the neighbors. (Agrees with the Truth and Broken Record.)
STAN: You know, the United Way does a lot of good for people in disasters like those floods in Texas—and even when that dam broke in L.A.
GEN: They certainly do, but I’d rather not collect from the neighbors. (Agrees with the Truth and Broken Record.)
STAN: Look, why don’t you want to do it? I don’t understand.
GEN: I know it might not make sense to you, but I’d just rather not. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Broken Record.)
STAN: It doesn’t sound like you care all that much for your fellow man, Genevieve.
GEN: I can see how you might think that, but I’d rather not collect from the neighbors. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Broken Record.) STAN: I don’t think you’re going to do this little favor for me.
GEN: You’re right. I’m not. (Agrees with the Truth.)
Dialogue Two:
Sharon Asks Marge to Baby-sit
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br /> MARGE (picks up phone): Hello.
SHARON: Hello Marge. This is Sharon. Would you like to baby-sit tonight?
MARGE: Thanks Sharon, but no thanks. I just want to relax at home by myself tonight. (Self-Discloses.)
SHARON: Oh, I see . . . But I asked the children who they wanted me to call and they both screamed out, “We want Marge!”
MARGE: That’s wonderful to hear, and I love them too, but I just want to relax at home by myself tonight. (Self-Discloses and Broken Record.)
SHARON: Marge, it would be such a help if you’d say yes. Otherwise I’ll have to call all over town to find somebody else.
MARGE: I agree it’ll be hard for you, but I just want to—(Agrees with the Truth and Broken Record.)
SHARON: I know, I know. Marge, I think you’re alone too much nowadays.
MARGE: That may be, but I just want to relax at home by myself tonight. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion and Self-Discloses.)
SHARON: I’ll tell you what, how about if I bring the kids over and put them to bed early. That way it’d be just like you were alone.
MARGE: I agree, it would be just like being alone. But I just want to relax at home by myself tonight. (Agrees with the Truth and Broken Record.)
SHARON: Listen, isn’t this the kind of thing that neighbors are for? I mean, neighbors should help each other out.
MARGE: I agree, but I just want to relax at home by myself tonight. (Agrees with the Truth and Broken Record.)
Dialogue Three:
Berny Asks Erica to Break Her Diet
ERICA: Well, Berny, where shall we eat tonight?
BERNY: I don’t know . . . There’s a new Mexican restaurant opening up on the Mall. Why don’t we try it out?
ERICA: Anything but that, Berny. Mexican food is just too fattening and I’m going to stick to my diet. (Self-Discloses.)
BERNY: Yeah, but Mexican food is so good.
ERICA: It really is good, but I’m going to stick to my diet. What else do you suggest. (Agrees with the Truth and Broken Record)
BERNY: Look, one day off your diet won’t kill you.
ERICA: I agree that it won’t, but I’m going to stick to it. (Agrees with the Truth and Broken Record.)
BERNY: In fact, I think it would be psychologically healthy for you to loosen up a little, Erica.
ERICA: Maybe so. But I really want to lose this weight, so I’m going to stick to my diet. (Agrees with the Critic’s Right to an Opinion, Self-Discloses, and Broken Record.)
BERNY: Erica, nobody sticks to any diet. It’s just a matter of time before you give in. So why not give in now?
ERICA: Most people do give up, but I won’t. I’m going to stick to my diet. (Agrees with the Truth and Broken Record.)
BERNY: OK. OK. You want the truth? I’ll tell you the truth. I got an introductory coupon for this Mexican restaurant—two for the price of one!— and it expires tonight! If we don’t use it now, I might as well throw it out.
ERICA: I can see that it will cost you extra, Berny, and you will miss out on this good deal, but I’m going to stick to my diet. (Agrees with the Truth and Broken Record.)
BERNY: All right, how about Hollywood Pizza? I hear they have a Tuesday night special: All you can eat for $3!
Like Genevieve, Bill, and Erica, when you use Broken Record, you’ll be able to hold off even the most persistent manipulative attempts.
HOW TO TEACH CHILDREN TO
RESIST PRESSURE TO USE DRUGS
A study by the national classroom publication Weekly Reader found that 25 percent of fourth graders say they are under “some” or “a lot” of pressure to use alcohol or other drugs. By junior and senior high school, virtually all school children are experiencing at least some pressure from friends and classmates to start experimenting. In light of this, it is vital that all of us teach the children in our lives a simplified version of Broken Record, so that they will be prepared to resist this peer pressure.
Start by teaching the child how to deliver an assertive “No,” one that is likely to be believed and respected. With an assertive “No,” the child
Stands up straight
Looks you in the eye
Speaks clearly and firmly
Here, for example, is how I taught Natalie, a fourth grader:
ALAN (writes “NO!” on a piece of paper): Natalie, what’s this word?
NATALIE: No.
ALAN: Right. Now suppose I were offering you a beer. How would you say this word?
NATALIE (looks down and says softly): No.
ALAN: Natalie, if you said “No” to me like that, I wouldn’t think you really meant it. But, if you looked me in the eye and said it louder, then I’d believe you.
NATALIE: No.
ALAN: Pretty good. You did look me in the eye, but you still said it a little too softly. Try it like this: “NO!”
NATALIE: NO! I don’t want that beer!
ALAN: Wonderful! You stood up straight, you looked me in the eye, and you really spoke up. Great!
Next, teach the child that if an offer of drugs is made, the best response is to simply say “No” or “No thanks” over and over again, no matter what the other person says, and to walk away if there’s a lot of pressure. Here’s how one typical practice session went:
ALAN: Hey, how about a cigarette?
ANNALISE: No thanks.
ALAN: Come on! You’ll like it!
ANNALISE: No thanks.
ALAN: Why not?
ANNALISE: No thanks.
ALAN: Are you chicken?
ANNALISE: No thanks.
ALAN: Is that all you can say?
ANNALISE: No thanks.
If you have teenagers, you may wish to teach them this technique, or you may wish to help them learn and adapt the more advanced techniques found in this chapter and the previous chapter.
CHAPTER TEN
Requesting Change
I was tired and ready to have my sister drive me home. So I said to her, “Are you ready?” She said, “Just a minute” and went back to gabbing away with some fellow. Ten minutes passed, 20 minutes passed, 30 minutes, and I just sat there, getting angrier . . .
—Felicity
When your needs aren’t being met or when your rights are being violated, passively hoping that others will change their behavior seldom works. And letting your anger and resentment build until you aggressively strike out can be damaging to your relationships. Instead, consider the following assertive option.
IDENTIFY WHO OWNS THE PROBLEM
Begin by clearly establishing who owns the problem. A problem is yours whenever you are the person whose needs are not being met. When a driver won’t take you home, when a friend’s cigarette causes you to cough, when a salesperson sells you a defective TV, you are the person who owns the problem. Why? Because the driver, the friend, and the salesperson are all having their needs met, but you aren’t. Similarly, others own problems when their needs are not being met.
In each of the following situations, determine who owns the problem:
A woman is upset because her steady spends Friday nights playing baseball. “You have a problem,” she says. “You still haven’t grown up.”
A husband is upset because his wife wants to go back to work. “You have a problem,” he tells her. “You want to wear the pants in the family.”
A mother is upset because she didn’t get a Mother’s Day card from her daughter. “You have a problem,” she says. “You’re ungrateful.”
Who owns these problems? In each case, it is really the speaker. The woman wants more attention, the husband wants a full-time wife, and the mother wants recognition. Since they are troubled, they own the problems.
Learning to distinguish who owns a problem will spare you futile involvement in conflicts that are not truly your own. Further, people frequently become defensive when they are accused of having problems that are not their own. By clearly telling others, “I have a problem,” you greatly lessen the chance th
at they will become defensive and greatly increase the chance that you will resolve your conflicts with them.
DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM BEHAVIOR
Next, briefly describe the behavior that is troubling you. “I have a problem . . .
When you left your clothes on the bathroom floor this morning . . .”
When you turned the music on at 6:00 A.M. today . . .”
When you drive so fast on this winding road . . .”
Be specific and objective in your description of the problem behavior. If your description is vague, the other person may well not know what you mean and is unlikely to meet your needs. For example:
Instead of saying . . .
Say . . .
“When you hogged all the time.”
“When you spoke for 30 minutes after you had been allotted 20.”
“When you embarrassed me.”
“When you showed everyone my baby pictures.”
“When you are slow.”
“When you took half an hour to walk over here.”
Bring up just one problem behavior at a time—bring up several and the other person is likely to feel overwhelmed and retreat. It’s best if the problem behavior is occurring in the present or occurred in the recent past. Talking about old slights and grudges is unlikely to accomplish anything.
Avoid accusing the other person of always performing the behavior (“You’re always late”) or of never performing it (“You never let me talk”). Such broad descriptions are inaccurate and difficult to respond to, and they tend to make others defensive. Instead, refer to one or more recent instances. For example: “The last three times I’ve brought up the phone bill, you’ve switched on the TV and turned away.”
Avoid making inferences about the motives of others. Inferences go beyond observations and tell others the motivations behind their actions. For example: