by Alan Garner
There is no question of the value of covertly rehearsing even for as little as five minutes a day. Behavioral psychologists routinely recommend it, and dozens of studies show that it helps people become more relaxed and skillful in social situations. (It has also, incidentally, been shown that mentally practicing fencing, skiing, tennis, wrestling, and basketball free throws improves performance significantly.)
REWARD YOURSELF
Before you begin working on your new goal, decide upon a reward that you will give yourself when you succeed. This will make success all the more desirable and will ensure that each new behavior will be reinforced, even if others don’t at first notice or appreciate it.
Your reward must be something that you genuinely want: perhaps clothing, a book or record, sports equipment, camping gear, rich food, a long walk, a scenic drive, a day in the country, a movie, an hour to work on a garden.
After you reach your goal, reward yourself immediately and generously. If you’re stingy or hold back altogether, you won’t take your future promises very seriously.
Whenever you give yourself a reward, go one step further and praise yourself for meeting your goal. This is vital if you are to become more self-confident and outgoing. One study found that assertive people compliment themselves frequently while nonassertive people often put themselves down. The findings were conclusive and overwhelming: There was not one assertive person in their sample who typically criticized himself and not one passive person who typically praised himself. The researchers observed that it seemed as though the self-reinforcement mechanisms of the nonassertive subjects had broken down. And since behavior is a function of its consequences, it’s not hard to understand why people who are continually punishing and rarely praising themselves become passive.
So when you achieve your goals, and whenever else you do something that you like, get in the habit of letting yourself know how pleased you are:
“You did it!”
“Congratulations!”
“I’m proud of you!”
“I did great right there!”
And when you praise yourself, be careful not to sneak criticism into your self-praise: “You did it, but you could have been a little less awkward.” “That was OK, but you’ll never get anywhere at this rate.” “She said yes, but that was just out of charity.”
In fact, even when the other person doesn’t respond as you would prefer, praise yourself for meeting your goal and for trying, and look for a better way to handle the situation in the future. Tell yourself, for example:
1. Nice going! I had good eye contact, my voice held steady, and I asked two good open-ended questions. It’s too bad she’s going skiing this weekend or I bet she would have said yes. I’ll be sure to ask again next Tuesday.
2. You’ve really improved! You managed to keep that conversation going for almost three minutes! Maybe next time you can do even better by planning in advance and asking him more about himself.
3. Even though he said no, I’m glad I tried.
Most people dwell on their failures, berating themselves over and over. All that typically does is cause them psychological pain, drain them of energy, and discourage them from trying again. If you want to become a more positive, assertive person, learn from your mistakes and leave them behind, but dwell on your successes.
SOME REAL-LIFE APPLICATIONS OF CONCRETE GOAL SETTING
Students of mine have used concrete goal setting to improve their lives in a wide variety of ways. Here are a few examples:
1 When his father passed away, Ben decided to pay more attention to his mother. He found, however, that his good intentions were resulting in little more than occasional guilty phone calls. Frustrated, he concretized his goal as follows: “Each week, I will spend at least two hours with Mom.” The first week, he rewarded himself by having his car washed and waxed after his visit to her house. Ben began inviting his mother to join his family in seeing plays and movies, in going to museums and art galleries and in taking trips to the country. He was delighted that everyone was having so much fun and was moved by the way they were becoming closer to one another. Ben decided that his participation alone was enough of a reward.
2. Mary wanted to get to know the people at work, but that goal was getting her nowhere. She concretized it to read, “At least three times a week, I’ll ask someone at work to have lunch or to spend a coffee break with me. While I’m with that person, I’ll share something about myself and ask at least one open-ended question.” For her reward, Mary decided to either have an especially nice lunch or to ride the bus home instead of walking. Before long, she knew everyone at work, and some of them were asking her to lunch!
3. Carlos had been divorced eleven months and wanted to get back into circulation. He’d go to discotheques and spend a considerable amount of time looking at all the people milling around dancing. Looking would lead to drinking, and drinking would lead to chatting with the other fellows. Often, when he’d see a woman he was attracted to, he’d watch her, waiting to be certain that she was alone. Whether she had been or not, before long she wouldn’t be alone. When Carlos realized how obviously self-defeating his actions were, he disputed his catastrophizing about how “horrible” it would be to ask someone to dance who turned out not to be alone and drew up what was for him a rather severe concrete goal: “Beginning as soon as I enter a discotheque, if I’m not talking with a woman, I’ll ask one to dance at least every third song.” He decided to reward himself this first time by getting his racket restrung the next day. Carlos narrates what happened next: “I went to Flanigan’s Lounge and walked around as usual. Then I realized the third song was starting, so I took someone’s hand and danced with her—and told myself how proud I was that I had started right away to keep my goal. It was funny, but once I got my feet wet, it became easy to ask. The fourth girl I danced with really seemed to like me, and we got to talking. . . .”
4. After having achieved two earlier goals on her hierarchy, Deana decided she didn’t want to put off her sixth item any longer. She and her boyfriend hadn’t held hands in the three times they’d been out together, so she decided to be assertive. Deana added a time to her concrete goal and made it read, “This Friday night at the school play, I’m going to rub Walt’s arm. If he doesn’t take it away, I’ll hold his hand.” Next, she and her Conversationally Speaking group went over her irrational, anxiety-producing beliefs and refuted them. Deana told me that, despite this, she sat next to Walt for a full thirty minutes, pretending to watch the play while silently catastrophizing about how “awful” rejection would be and insisting that Walt (being the man) really “should” be the assertive one. “Finally,” she said, “I got so fed up with the whole damn thing that I just did it—and Walt leaned over and kissed me right then and there!”
SET CONCRETE GOALS FOR
USING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Many people read this book, decide they are going to work on the skills they’ve learned, and then don’t do anything. Here are some simple ways you can use concrete goal setting to make sure that doesn’t happen to you:
Nonverbal Skills
Increase your use of the SOFTEN behaviors by concentrating the first day solely on Smiling. Put a big S on your calendar for that day so you’ll remember. Then, make it a point to smile when you’re happy and to smile when you see people you like or want to get to know. You may want to be still more concrete and decide to smile at one, or even ten, people during the day.
The second day, put SO on your calendar and concentrate on smiling and on maintaining an open posture. The third day, SOF, and so forth. Praise yourself each time you carry out this goal, and give yourself a small reward every time you advance a letter.
Verbal Skills
Conversationally Speaking has taught the skills of asking open-ended questions, delivering positives, self-disclosing, active listening, and following up on free information. Pick one skill from this list that you would like to start using more often. If it’s a new
skill, have a goal of using it once the first day, twice the second day and so on until you reach what you consider to be a satisfactory level. (This will probably be around six times a day.)
If you’ve picked a skill you already know, count how often you use it each day for the next two days. The average of your totals is your goal for the third day. Increase your use of this skill by one time per day until you achieve a satisfactory level. If you feel anxious about using a skill, dispute the irrational beliefs behind that anxiety and devote part of your five-minute-a-day covert rehearsal time to vividly picturing yourself using the skill and receiving a warm, positive response.
Once you arrive at a satisfactory level of frequency with one skill, monitor it daily for a week while beginning the same process with another skill. Then monitor it every other day for a week, then once every third day for a week, then once a week for as long as you think helpful. As you level off with some skills, you may wish to work on still others.
Increasing your rates will mean going out of your way to be with people and use the skills taught in this book. Recording your rates will enable you to see exactly how you’re doing. Setting goals cannot only increase your use of communication skills, it can change your outlook on life. If, for instance, you decide on a goal of delivering three compliments a day, instead of looking for things to gripe about, you’ll begin looking for behaviors, possessions, and appearances to praise. You’ll become a compliment detective and will probably surprise yourself by how many positive features you’ll find. The men and women you meet will find you positively pleasant to be around and will go out of their way to please you. This will give you still more to feel good about. So, with a little effort, you can replace your vicious circles with enjoyable and nurturing ones.
* * *
The Beginning
You now know all the skills you need in order to become a good conversationalist. How could you use them today?—right now? It’s vital that you start immediately, or you may never get started. “One of these days” usually means “None of these days.”
The sixteenth-century English had a wise proverb, “The begynnynge of every thynge is the hardiste.” The modern French concur, with a saying that translates, “It’s the first step that costs.” You’ve found this true in your life too: overcoming inertia is almost always the most difficult part of any undertaking. Have you ever tried to push a car? What was the hardest part? (Answer: getting the car moving.) What’s the hardest part of writing a letter? Of exercising? Of doing your work? Getting yourself moving. And what do you suppose will be the hardest part of using the skills you’ve learned in Conversationally Speaking?
At first you may not be very good at using these communications skills, but then you never start out strongly with any skill. Think back to the first time you tried to read or write your name or ride a bike or drive a car. You made plenty of mistakes, and it was only with practice that you improved.
If you do put in the effort and time it will take to overcome inertia and acquire the skills, you’ll receive in return a lifetime payoff: Just as with writing or reading or driving, soon you won’t have to think about these skills; you’ll just be using them, and benefiting from them, automatically.
If you’re serious, this is the time to get started. You’ve reached the end of this book. But let this be . . .
THE BEGINNING.
NOTES
1C. Shedd, Letters to Karen (Nashville: Bingdon, 1965).
2Adapted from S. Glaser and A. Biglan, Increase Your Confidence and Skill in Social Situations, unpublished manuscript, University of Oregon, 1977.
3A. Van Buren, “Dear Abby,” Los Angeles Times, December 28, 1975.
4F. Sathré, R. Olson, and C. Whitney, Let’s Talk: An Introduction to Interpersonal Communication (Palo Alto, Calif.: Scott, Foresman, 1977).
5E. Polster and M. Polster, Gestalt Therapy Integrated (New York: Vintage, 1973).
6The skills of Asking for Details and Agreeing are based upon the format first suggested by Manuel Smith in When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (New York: Dial, 1975) and on later adaptations of it by Ronald Adler in Confidence in Communication (New York: Holt, Rinehart, and Winston, 1977), Robert Bolton in People Skills: How To Assert Yourself Listen to Others and Resolve Conflicts (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1979), Spencer Rathus and Jeffrey Nevid in B: Behavior Therapy (New York: Signet, 1978), and J.M. Strayhorn, Jr., in Talking It Out (Champaign, Ill.: Research Press, 1977).
7It is interesting to note that some 200 years ago, Benjamin Franklin wrote in his Autobiography:
When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition; and in answering, I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly . . . and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join me when I happened to be in the right.
8B. Gunther, Sense Relaxation (New York: Macmillan, 1968).
9F. Gilroy, The Subject Was Roses (New York: Samuel French, 1962).
10Related to the author by Dr. Peter Glaser, who was once a lifeguard at Coney Island.
11Based upon an interview by the author.
12D. Marquis, Frustration, quoted in The Home Book of Quotations, 10th edition (New York: Dodd, Mead, 1967).
13Parts of this section are adapted from Robert Mager’s Goal Analysis (Belmont, Calif.: Fearson, 1972).
SELECTED REFERENCES
I consulted several hundred articles and books in preparing Conversationally Speaking. If you are interested in in understanding the components of effective social interaction in greater and perhaps more technical detail, you will find the following sources especially valuable.
Alberti, R.E., and M.L. Emmons. Your Perfect Right, 7th ed. San Luis Obispo, Calif.: Impact, 1995.
Beck, A. Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstanding, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy. New York: HarperCollins, 1989.
Berent, J. Beyond Shyness. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993.
Bower, S.A., and G. Bower. Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change. Reading, Mass.: Addison Wesley, 1991.
Burns, D. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. New York: Avon, 1992.
Butler, P.E. Self Assertion for Women. San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1992.
Dyer, W. Your Erroneous Zones. New York: Funk and Wagnalls, 1993.
Ellis, A. How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything—Yes Anything! New York: Carol Publishing Group, 1996.
—— Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. New York: Carol Publishing Group, 1996.
——, and A. Lange. How to Keep People from Pushing Your Buttons. New York: Carol Publishing Group, 1996.
Faber, A., and E. Mazlish. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. New York: Avon, 1983.
Gambrill, E., and C. Richey. Taking Charge of Your Social Life. Berkeley, Calif.: Behavioral Options, 1988.
Garner, A. It’s O.K. to Say No to Drugs!: A Parent/Child Manual for the Protection of Children. New York: Tor Books, 1987.
——, and J. Woititz. Lifeskills for Adult Children. Deerfield Beach, Fla.: Health Communications, 1990.
Glass, L. Talk to Win. New York: Perigee Books/Putnam, 1987.
——. He Says, She Says: Closing the Communication Gap Between the Sexes. New York: Perigee Books/Putnam, 1993.
Grey, J. Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. New York: HarperCollins, 1995.
——. Mars and Venus Together Forever: Relationship Skills for Lasting Love. New York: HarperCollins, 1996.
——. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. New York: HarperCollins, 1992.
Jeffers, S. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. New York: Fawcett
, 1996.
Jourard, S. The Transparent Self. New York: Van Nostrand, 1971.
Knapp, M., and G.R. Miller, eds. Handbook of Interpersonal Communication. Thousand Oaks, Calif.: Sage, 1994.
——, and A. Vangelisti. Interpersonal Communication and Human Relationships, 3d ed. Needham, Mass.: Allyn and Bacon, 1995.
Marsh, P. Eye to Eye: How People Interact. Topsfield, Mass.: Salem House, 1988.
McCroskey, J., and V.P. Richmond. Fundamentals of Human Communication. Prospect Heights, Ill.: Waveland Press, 1995.
Morris, D. Bodytalk: The Meaning of Human Gestures. New York: Crown, 1994.
Pease, A. Signals: How to Use Body Language for Power, Success, and Love. New York: Bantam, 1984.
Phillips, G.M. Communication Incompetencies: A Theory of Training Oral Performance Behavior. Carbondale, Ill.: South Illinois University Press, 1991.
Tannen, D. Talking 9 to 5: Women and Men in the Workplace. New York: William Morrow, 1994.
——. That’s Not What I Meant! New York: Ballantine, 1992.
——. You Just Don’t Understand• Women and Men in Conversation. New York: Ballantine, 1990.
Wassmer, A.C. Making Contact, 2d ed. New York: Holt, 1990.
Weiss, L., and L. Cain. Power Lines: What to Say in 250 Problem Situations. New York: HarperCollins, 1991.
Zimbardo, P. Shyness: What It Is and What to Do About It. Reading, Mass.: Addison Wesley, 1990.
INDEX
Please note that index links point to page beginnings from the print edition. Locations are approximate in e-readers, and you may need to page down one or more times after clicking a link to get to the indexed material.
