by Alan Garner
A
Active listening, 37-48
demonstrates one’s acceptance, 42-45
examples of, 40-41
keeping one’s conversation going, 45
major improvements in relationships, 44
mistakes in, 46
situations used in, 41-42
telling sender what his message means, 40
to nonverbal messages, 47-48
when and how to use, 41-42
All Things Bright and Beautiful
(Herriot), 69
America, popular men and women in, 67
Anxiety reduction
about one’s self, 164-165
about others, 168
becoming tense, 156
being held back, 156
catastrophizing, 161-162
challenging one’s beliefs, 160-164
challenging one’s overgeneralizations, 169-170
copping out, 160-162
demanding, 170-179
events don’t cause emotional reactions, 156
failure is the price one pays for success, 166
labels limit one’s self, 167-168
overgeneralizing, 164-170
in social situations, 153-179
Appearance, 22
Approval, striving for, 21-22
Aristotle, 73
Assertions direct, 129-131
repeated, 131-135
Attention and eye contact, 148
B
Babysitting, 116-117
Badal, Robert, 147
Beck, Aaron, 159-160
Behaviors, 22
changing, 19
describing problem, 124-126
rewarding, 19-20
Beliefs about events, 158
causing emotional reactions, 159
challenging demanding, 176-179
challenging one’s, 160-164
Berne, Eric, 174
Blemish defined, 174
Body language, 145
Broken record defined, 113
C
Carnegie, Dale, 78
Catastrophizing, 161-162
Change, requesting, 121-135
arriving at a resolution, 134-135
describing one’s feelings, 127-128
describing the problem behavior, 124-126
direct assertion, 129-131
identifying who owns the problem, 123-124
pause, 128-129
repeated assertions, 131-134
stating consequences, 127
summary formula, 128-129
Charity, soliciting for, 114-116
Children, teaching them to resist drug use, 119-120
Closed positions, 144
Closed-ended questions, 4-5, 7
Closeness, emotional, 144
Cognitive dissonance, 151
Communication
interpersonal, 37
nonverbal, 142
skills
acquiring, 198
using, 192-194, 198
Compliments accepting direct, 24
indirect, 32-33
Coney Island, 157
Consequences, stating, 127
Constructive praise, 25
Control, question-asking increases one’s, 7-9
Conversationalists, becoming good, 197
Conversations and active listening, 45
asking questions that promote, 1-14
starting, 71-78
interest or involve other person, 75
members of the opposite sex, 74
opening remarks, 78
talking about one’s self, 78
talking about the other person, 77-78
talking about the situation, 75-77
Copping out, 160-161
Craving to be appreciated, 20
Criticism
bringing one’s skills together, 108-110
dialogue one, 108-109
dialogue two, 108-110
constructive alternative, 94-108
agreeing with the criticism, 99-108
asking for details, 94-98
defenses
avoiding it, 89
denying, 90-91
excusing one’s behavior, 91-93
striking back, 93-94
destructive, 25
handling it constructively, 87-110
Critics, 105-108
D
Demanding, 170-179
challenging beliefs, 175-179
obedience, 175-179
obedience to self-defeating rules, 170-174
others obey one’s rules, 175-176
perfection, 176-179
perfection of others, 174
that others follow one’s rules, 178
Destructive criticism, 25
Diet, breaking one’s, 117-118
Dissonance, cognitive, 151
Drugs, teaching children to resist, 119-120
E
Efforts, organizing one’s, 181-194
adding additional steps, 186-187
building an assertive hierarchy, 186
real-life applications of goal setting, 190-192
rehearsing covertly, 187-188
rewarding oneself, 188-190
setting concrete goals, 184-186
using one’s communication skills, 192-194
Ellis, Albert, 159-160, 172
Emotional closeness, 144
Emotional reactions and causing beliefs, 159
conveying, 62
and events, 156
Emotions, and facial expressions, 141
Epictetus, 159
Events beliefs about, 158
and emotional reactions, 156
Eye contact, making, 147-148
and interacting in social situations, 147
powerful sign of respect and attention, 148
Eyes, pupils of, 148
F
Facial expressions and emotions, 141
Failure, price one pays for success, 166
Feelings describing one’s, 127-129
ignoring or downplaying, 46-47
Free information, taking advantage of, 49-53
G
Gestalt therapy, 39
Goals, setting concrete, 184-186
characteristics it depends solely on one’s action, 185
it is measurable, 185
it is positive, 184-185
it is specific, 184
it is verifiable, 184
Goldschmidt, Peter, 86
Gunther, Bernard, 139-141
H
Harris, Thomas, 100
Hayakawa, S.I., 145
Herriot, James, 69 Hindenburg, 163
I
IFD Disease, 184
I’m okay - you’re okay position, 100
Indirect compliments, 32-33
Indirect positives, 31
Information, taking advantage of free, 49-53
Interpersonal communication, 37
Invitations being direct, 83
if one gets a no, 85-86
likely to be accepted, 79-86
sounding casual, 84-85
starting small, 84
using dual perspectives, 82-83
J
James, William, 20
Johnson, Wendell, 184
K
Kennedy, John E, 32
L
Labels harmful, 168
limit one’s self, 167-168
Lange, Art, 78
Language, body, 145
LaRusso, Dominic, 164
Let’s Talk (Sathre, Olson, and Whitney), 38
Listening
active, 37-48
demonstrating one’s, 42-45
keeping one’s conversation going, 45
major improvements in relationships, 44
mistakes in, 46
situations used in, 41-42
telling the sender what his message means, 40
to nonverbal messages, 47-48
so others will talk, 35-49
w
hen and how to use active, 41-42
Lists, making, 13
M
Making Contact (Wassmer), 150
Manipulation, resisting attempts at, 111-120
babysitting, 116-118
breaking one’s diet, 117-118
dialogue one, 114-116
dialogue three, 117-118
dialogue two, 116-117
soliciting for charity, 114-116
teaching children to resist drugs, 119-120
Meaning, conveying by motion, 137-151
Messages
nonverbal, 28, 47-48
verbal, 28
Miller, Henry, 78
Mirror image, assuming a, 146
Monnet, Jean, 110
Motion, conveying meaning by, 137-151
facing others directly, 145
making eye contact, 147-148
nodding, 148-149
personal space, 142-144
posture, 144-146
smiling, 149-150
to express liking SOFTEN, 150-151
touch, 146-147
Musturbation, 172
N
Negative openers, 74
Negatives, turning into direct positives, 25-29
Nodding, 148-149
Nonverbal communication, 142
Nonverbal messages, 28, 47-48
Nonverbal signals, 141
Nonverbal skills, 193
O
Obedience demanding, 176-179
to self-defeating rules, 170-172
Open positions, 145
Open-ended questions, 5-7, 14
Openers, negative, 74
Opening remarks, 78
Opinion, agreeing with critic’s right to an, 105-108
Overgeneralizations about others, 168
challenging one’s, 169-170
P
Parroting, 46
Pease, Allan, 78
People desire for space varies with mood, 143
interesting them in self-disclosure, 64-65
letting them know who one is, 55-70
one admires in America, 67
paraphrasing remarks, 48-49
People in Quandaries (Johnson), 184
Perfection, 173
demanding, 176-179
of others, 174
Perls, Fritz, 39
Personal space, 142-144
Persons conveying one’s interest in other, 78
talking about other, 76-78
Phi Beta Kappa, 21
Piaget, Jean, 176
Positions closed, 144
open, 145
Positives delivering honest, 15-34
effectively receiving positives, 34
helping others accept direct positives, 23-25
how to effectively deliver direct positives, 22-23
making direct positives believable, 29-31
miscellaneous positives one can use, 31-33
negative strategy, 21-22
producing an open and supportive climate, 21
reinforced responses recur, 18-22
turning negatives into direct positives, 25-29
direct, 22-23
indirect, 31
relayed, 31
third person, 31
Possessions, 22
Posture, 144-146
closed positions, 144
open positions, 145
Praise, constructive, 25
Problem behavior, 124-126
identifying who owns the, 123-124
Process of unveiling, 58-63
Profiles in Courage (TV series), 32
Pupils of eyes, 148
Q
Questions
asking
if one wants to hear other person, 8-9
increases one’s control, 7-9
leading questions, 11-12
closed-ended, 4-5, 7
common mistakes in asking, 9-14
ask leading questions, 11-12
beginning with difficult questions, 11
disagreeing before asking questions, 12
not remembering what to mention, 12-14
questions that are open-ended, 9-11
memorizing stock, 13-14
open-ended, 5-7, 14
strive to maintain dual perspective, 9
that promote conversation, 1-14
R
Reaction, emotional, 62
Relationships, major improvements in, 44
Relayed positives, 31
Remarks getting others to paraphrase one’s, 48-49
opening, 68
Remembering techniques, 12-14
Repeated assertions, 131-134
Resolution, arriving at a, 134-135
Respect and eye contact, 148
RET (Rational-Emotive Therapy), 159-160
Rogers, Will, 62
R’s, three (reinforced responses recur), 18
Rules
obedience to self-defeating, 170-174
others obeying one’s, 175-176, 178
S
Sandburg, Carl, 165
Saudek, Robert, 32
Self-disclosure, 55-70
being specific, 67-68
clichés, 60
common problems with, 65-70
fear of boring other people, 69-71
holding back, 69-71
not being believed, 67-78
not owning one’s statements, 68-69
projecting a false image, 65-67
content of disclosures deepens, 59
facts, 60-61
feelings, 62-63
interesting others in, 64-65
is symmetrical, 58
modeling responses wanted, 59
opinions, 61-62
process of unveiling, 58-63
revealing some negatives, 68
Sense Relaxation (Gunther), 139-141
Shakespeare, William, 141, 159
Signals nonverbal, 141
silent, 145
Situations, talking about, 75-77
Skills nonverbal, 193
verbal, 193-194
Smiling, 149-150
Social situations and interacting in, 147
reducing anxiety in, 153-179
SOFTEN
behaviors, 28, 57, 151, 193
to express liking, 150-151
Space effective use of, 144
personal, 142-144
Statements, not owning one’s, 68-69
Strangers, talking about themselves, 78
Streisand, Barbra, 38
Subject Was Roses, The, 155-156
Success, failure is price one pays for, 166
Symmetrical defined, 58
T
Talk, listening so others will, 35-49
Talking about situations, 75-77
Techniques, remembering, 12-14
Therapy, Gestalt, 39
Third-person positives, 31
Three R’s (reinforced responses recur), 18
Touch, 146-148
handshakes, 146
hugging, 146-148
Truth, agreeing with the, 99-105
U
Unveiling, process of, 58-63
V
Verbal messages, 28
Verbal skills, 193-194
W
Wanderer, Zev, 113
Wassmer, Arthur, 150
Weekly Reader, 119
