Fragile Longing

by Reilly, Cora

  I closed my bag. I’d packed enough for exactly one night. The Cavallaros’ Christmas party was tomorrow, and I was expected to attend. My parents insisted it would look bad if I stayed away, and they were probably right. If your Capo invited you to a party, you were expected to attend. I wasn’t looking forward to my trip to Chicago. I’d leave tomorrow morning and then return the day after. Perhaps I should have aimed to spend more time with my future family, considering the Mione clan would be there, too, but losing Serafina was still too fresh. So far, I’d avoided social gatherings altogether. I hadn’t even attended Pietro’s fiftieth birthday party.

  Pietro’s name flashed on my cellphone. I considered not taking the call. He wouldn’t call me for good news. None of our recent conversations had been remotely pleasant. Maybe Dante had canceled his fucking Christmas party. Of course, Pietro wouldn’t call me for something like that. I didn’t want to attend it anyway, but not attending would suggest I was still hung up on Serafina.

  “Pietro, what can I do for you? I’m busy.”

  “I won’t take long. I just . . . I have to tell you something.”

  From the tone of his voice, I knew I’d hate whatever he had to say.

  “What is it?”

  “Serafina is pregnant. She’s seventeen weeks along.”

  The news hit me like a sledgehammer. Another reminder of how Remo had taken her from me. As if even from afar he’d found another way to humiliate me by showing me again how he’d dishonored my fiancée.

  “I thought it best that you hear it from us and not someone else.”

  “How considerate of you,” I gritted out, feeling like my insides were going up in flames. Anger had become a familiar companion. “Thank you for letting me know.”

  “I’d understand if you decided not to attend due to these circumstances.”

  Everything in me screamed to take the easy way out. I didn’t want to see Serafina again, especially not now that I knew she carried Remo Falcone’s child. Yet, my pride was in tatters and I wouldn’t allow anyone to stomp it to the ground completely, especially not Remo Falcone. “I don’t see why I should. Serafina is no longer my concern. Sofia is my fiancée now.” Even I could hear the lingering bitterness in my voice.

  Pietro cleared his throat. “Very well. See you then.”

  For a long time after I ended the call, I stared at nothing.

  The whirr of the wheelchair announced Emma’s appearance. I schooled my features into an expression of calm when she appeared in the doorframe.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, her too-attentive eyes taking in my face. Emma knew me too well, and she was simply too good at reading other people’s emotions.

  “I’m fine,” I pressed out. She was too young to be weighed down by my problems. Besides, she had her own issues to conquer.

  She bit her lip. “Okay.”

  Forcing a smile, I walked over to her and squeezed her shoulder. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”

  “I’ll be with Mom and Dad then, right?”

  I nodded, but then an idea struck me. “Why don’t you come along? I’m in need of company.”

  Her entire face transformed into pure joy and surprise. “Really? Won’t I be a bother?”

  I squatted in front of her and gripped her knees. “You aren’t a bother, Emma.”

  Having Emma with me in Chicago would certainly hold me back, which was exactly why I needed Emma there with me. I rarely lost my shit when she was around. I wanted to protect her from that side of me, and I really needed someone to stop me from losing my shit. Seeing Serafina again might very well make me lose it altogether.

  After dinner, I called my father to inform him that he and Mother wouldn’t have to take care of Emma in the next few days.

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Father asked. He sounded weaker than last time I’d talked to him, as if he could barely take in enough breath to press out a single word.

  “Emma needs to be among people.”

  “You know how people always stare at her.”

  “I know, but I don’t give a fuck. Let them stare.”

  The moment Emma and I entered the Cavallaro mansion through the back entrance—because that one was wheelchair accessible—and stepped into the lobby, people’s attention shifted toward us. It was difficult to determine who of us was the center of their open curiosity—Emma in her wheelchair or myself. Dante and his wife Valentina headed toward us and I shook their hands. After that, Emma and I moved into the living area where most of the guests had gathered.

  Emma gave me an embarrassed smile. “People are staring.”

  “They’re staring at me. The abandoned bridegroom,” I said in a forced joking voice.

  Emma’s eyes widened. Luckily, Dante’s daughter, Anna, and Sofia were heading our way. Sofia gave me a bright smile. Her cheeks turned red when I smiled back at her.

  “Hi,” she said. She smoothed out her dress and bit her lip, appearing almost as if she were waiting for something. Emma and Dante’s daughter hugged and picked up a conversation while I was left to stare at Sofia’s expectant face.

  “How are you?” Sofia asked, then flushed an even deeper red.

  I frowned, wondering where she was going with this. “I’m fine.” My tone was clipped. Then my eyes landed on her. Serafina entered the room with Samuel, their arms linked. She was dressed in an elegant, loose-fitting dress. My gaze lingered on her midriff, looking for the bump that her choice of clothing managed to conceal. Soon, that would be impossible, and everyone would know that Remo Falcone had managed to humiliate me and the Outfit in another way. It would be the scandal of the century.

  The expectant, curious looks from everyone around me would only amplify then.

  Serafina glanced my way, and our eyes met. She smiled politely, then looked away, moving on with her gaze like she had done with her life. Like so often in the last few weeks, anger surged inside me. It was unreasonable to blame Serafina for any of this. She was the victim. She’d suffered for all our sins and would continue to do so.

  After a moment, I realized Sofia was watching me. I gave her another quick smile, then turned to Emma. “I’ll grab drinks and something to eat. You’ve got company now?” The last was addressed to Sofia and Anna. Both girls nodded.

  Without another word, I walked away in search of the open bar. After a drink of Scotch, I felt more at ease. Still, I kept searching the room for Serafina. My brain just couldn’t let it rest. Frustrated at myself, I went in search of Pietro or Samuel. A cursory glance told me Emma was still talking to Anna and Sofia.

  When I finally found Pietro, he was standing on the terrace in the winter cold, talking to Dante.

  “Am I interrupting anything?” I asked as I joined them.

  “No, come join us,” Dante said. The worry of the last few months that had settled in every line on my face also showed on his.

  “When are you going to make it public?” I didn’t have to elaborate what I meant.

  Pietro and Dante exchanged a look, then Pietro sighed. He took another sip from his drink. “We’ll try to keep it a secret for as long as possible. But I doubt we can cover it up for more than two more months. People will get suspicious if Serafina stays away from social events.”

  “Why didn’t she get an abortion? Did she find out too late?”

  “She didn’t want an abortion,” Pietro said. His voice made it clear that his choice would have been different if it had been up to him.

  “But she’s going to give it away for someone else to raise?”

  Dante shook his head, and Pietro emptied the rest of his glass then lit a cigarette. For a moment, I considered asking him for a smoke. I felt like getting drunk and smoking until I forgot everything around me. But neither was an option. I needed to stay sober enough to get Emma back to the hotel, and she didn’t like it when I smoked because it had killed our grandfather and would soon kill Father.

  “She’s going to raise Falcone’s child?”

&nbs
p; I didn’t get a reply. I couldn’t understand how Serafina could even consider raising his child. That she didn’t want an abortion was something I could comprehend. But actually watching Remo’s child grow up after what he did? That was insanity. Women got sentimental when they were pregnant. Maybe she’d change her mind later.

  It shouldn’t even matter to me. Serafina wasn’t my business anymore. And yet, it still felt as if she were, as if everything that had happened to her would still fall back on me.

  It was a prideful thing to consider, but I was unable to abandon the thought.

  I’d been so excited when I’d heard that Danilo would be coming to Uncle Dante’s Christmas party. When he hadn’t attended Dad’s birthday party, I’d been disappointed. I wanted to see him again now that he was mine. Few people knew about our engagement yet—which wasn’t even an official engagement. That party would only happen when I was older.

  My excitement faded when I met Danilo at the party. I’d taken longer than ever before to get ready. I’d chosen a new elegant dress, and I’d even put on a hint of makeup I’d snuck out of Fina’s room. Despite my efforts, Danilo hardly looked at me. It was as if I were air. His expression was passive. The only time there was a flicker of passion was when he spotted Serafina across the room. After that, I was invisible to him. Anna nudged me once he left.

  “Hey, don’t pull such a face,” she whispered then turned back to Emma. I forced my eyes away from Danilo and smiled at Emma.

  “Are you hungry?” I asked. “I haven’t checked out the buffet yet. Maybe we can do it together.”

  She nodded and smiled shyly.

  Anna grinned. “Finally. I’m starving.”

  Anna walked ahead, parting the crowd so Emma could wheel through them. It was obvious that Emma was embarrassed by the attention, so I stayed by her side and distracted her with chitchat.

  “I’m happy that you’re going to marry my brother,” she said a little later when we stood in a corner of the room, eating.

  That surprised me. “You are?” I cringed at how eager I sounded. Like a puppy desperate for a treat.

  “We’re close in age, so we can be friends.”

  “We’re already friends,” I said. Emma and I weren’t as close as I was with Anna or my friends from school because I didn’t see her as often, but I liked her. After her accident, I hadn’t been sure how to treat her, but I’d soon realized that she was still the same girl from before, only less mobile.

  Emma’s eyes darted to something behind me. I turned. Danilo was heading our way again, a drink in his hand. I straightened and smiled in that sophisticated way Fina had perfected. His gaze passed me by before settling on Emma. “I see you’re taken care of. Will you be okay while I take care of business?”

  Emma nodded. “Of course. I’m not a baby.”

  The smile Danilo gave her was unguarded. It was the first time his face looked completely free of control. Usually, he was always so poised and aware of his surroundings. I wanted him to lower his guard around me as well.

  With the briefest nod at me, he slipped away.

  Anna leaned toward me, a strand of her brown hair falling out of her updo. “Stop giving him those puppy-dog eyes.”

  I frowned. “I’m not—” I had been giving him puppy-dog eyes. “I just wish he’d stop ignoring me.”

  Anna shrugged. “He has to ignore you in public. Until you’re older, it’s against etiquette to show that you’re engaged.”

  She was right. I kept comparing my situation to how Danilo had treated my sister, but she’d been older, and they’d been almost married.

  I promised myself to stop fretting so much about everything.

  Serafina and I sat on the porch, enjoying the warm spring day. Fina’s belly was already bulging. She looked as if she were ready to burst. She’d explained that her belly was bigger because she was expecting twins. I simply couldn’t believe she had two little humans inside of her.

  She laughed when she noticed my attention. “Don’t worry. I won’t explode even if I feel like it.”

  “I can’t wait to meet the twins.” I giggled.

  Her smile wavered. “At least someone does.”

  I linked our fingers. “Mom and Dad still aren’t happy about the babies?”

  Fina looked away, biting her lower lip. She didn’t say anything, but I could tell she was holding back tears. Ever since she’d become pregnant, her emotions were all over the place. That was why I never talked about Danilo with her, even though I was desperate to ask her about him.

  Dad stepped onto the porch. “Sofia, can I have a quick word with you?”

  I got up, surprised that he wanted to talk to me. Was it about Danilo? I followed him inside and we settled on the sofa.

  His expression told me that I was about to hear bad news.

  “Ladybug, I know you were excited about celebrating your birthday, but given Fina’s situation, your mother and I decided it would be best to cancel the party.”

  My heart sank. I’d been looking forward to my twelfth birthday party with my friends. “Okay.”

  Dad stroked my head. “I’m sorry. But you understand we can’t have so many people around right now, do you?”

  I nodded mechanically. My parents were trying to hide Serafina from the public as much as possible. I wasn’t sure why they were still bothering. Even at school everyone knew about her pregnancy.

  “But Anna and her family will come visit, so you’ll get to spend your birthday with her,” Dad said.

  I could see how bad he felt, and I didn’t want to make him feel even guiltier by showing my sadness, so I grinned and hugged him. “Don’t worry, Dad. It’s okay.” When I kissed his cheek, it was like a weight lifting from his shoulders.

  Anna and her family arrived the day before my birthday.

  On the day of my birthday, Mom baked a big chocolate cake for me and made too much frosting as usual because I loved eating it with a spoon while the cake baked in the oven. Leonas, Anna, and I spent the day together, stuffing ourselves with cake and homemade tagliatelle with ragù—a traditional dish from our cook’s hometown Bologna. I finally got a cellphone, and even though Danilo didn’t have my number yet, I kept hoping I’d get a text from him. It wouldn’t be difficult for him to find out my number—all he’d have to do was ask Dad or Samuel. But when dinner rolled by and I hadn’t received a message from him yet, I accepted that he’d forgotten my birthday. My disappointment weighed heavily on me, but I tried to hide it from my family. I didn’t want them to realize how crazy I was being about Danilo.

  After dinner, Anna and I moved to my room and lounged on my bed to watch movies and stay up for as long as possible.

  As usual, Anna read my mood. “He probably just forgot. Men are like that,” Anna said during the opening credits.

  “How do you know so much about men?” I scoffed.

  Anna rolled her eyes. “I have a brother, and he can be a major douche. I doubt he’ll improve with age. What about Sam? Does he always remember birthdays?”

  I shook my head. “Fina always has to remind him about Mom’s birthday and Mother’s Day.” I grinned, suddenly feeling better. “You’re right. Let’s enjoy the movie.”

  After breakfast the next day, Sam waved me over to him, holding his phone out. “Danilo.” There was an edge to his voice that I didn’t understand, but I was too eager to talk to Danilo to give it any thought.

  “Hi,” I said shyly. My skin heated when I noticed my family staring at me. I turned around and walked out of the dining room for some privacy.

  “Hello, Sofia. I’m just calling to wish you a happy birthday. I had a busy day yesterday or I would have called.”

  I smiled. “Don’t worry, it’s okay.” I was delighted at how smooth my voice sounded, as if I weren’t nervous at all.

  “I hope you had a good day.”

  “Yes, I did. Umm . . . I got a cellphone.”

  I hoped he’d ask for my number.

  “That’s nice.”


  “I could give you my number in case you need to reach me.” Nothing smooth about my voice now. I sounded like a dork.

  Danilo cleared his throat. “That wouldn’t be appropriate. If I need to reach you, I’ll give your father or brother a call.”

  My stomach dropped and heat blasted my cheeks. “You’re right,” I pressed out.

  There was a moment of silence before Danilo said, “I have a meeting now. Have a good day.”

  “You, too.”

  When the call ended, I kept the phone pressed to my ear for a couple of heartbeats before I finally lowered it and looked up.

  Fina stood in the doorway to the dining room, frowning as she watched me. “Are you okay?”

  I desperately wanted to talk to someone. In the past, that someone would have been my sister, but now a barrier had sprung up between us. It wasn’t Fina’s fault. She still tried to talk to me often, but it felt awkward sharing my silly feelings for her ex-fiancé with her. Especially considering how much she had to deal with right now. She’d soon be a single mom to two babies. My problems were absolutely ridiculous in comparison.

  “Yes, Danilo wished me a happy birthday.” I bit my lip. “Did he ever congratulate you a day late?”

  Fina walked toward me, though it was more of a waddle because of her giant belly. “I don’t remember.” She touched my shoulder, her eyes searching mine.

  I wondered if she really didn’t remember or if she simply said it not to hurt my feelings.

  “Maybe it would be best if you forgot about your engagement to Danilo until you’re a bit older? You still have many years before you have to marry him. Have fun with your friends until then, and just don’t think about him.”

  I wanted to do what she said, but my brain seemed to have short-circuited and all my thoughts revolved around Danilo.

  I’d taken Fina’s words to heart and forced my thoughts away from Danilo whenever they’d returned to him. I’d been successful, mostly due to the fact that I hadn’t seen him in months. The birth of my niece and nephew seven months ago had also helped. Two babies needed plenty of attention, and Fina was happy to have any kind of help she got. Because of all the time we spent together, we’d grown closer again.