by Melody Grace
Chase didn’t sound convinced. “Isn’t it a little late to be bringing a plus-one?”
“Lucky for you, I know the happy couple,” she gave a wink. “Plus, it could be great networking for your business, lots of potential clients. I had no idea you were working with such big corporate clients,” she added, as she tasted the beef, and added just a little more salt. “Is it just you, designing all the websites, or do you have a team under you?”
“No, it’s just me.”
“They must like you, to take a chance on a smaller shop like that.” Letitia was impressed. “Have you thought about expanding, taking on a couple more designers? You heard my father, a good digital team is hard to find, and I bet clients would be lining up if you could offer a full-service package. You know, design, metrics, tracking… You could probably double your client base with just a couple of hires,” she mused, already scrolling through her mental Rolodex if she knew of any great web people who would be looking for a job – or clients, to introduce at the wedding.
But instead of being excited, Chase just gave a wry sigh. “I knew this was coming.”
“Knew what was coming?” Letitia looked up.
“This.” he said. “The way you’re looking at me, like I’m a fixer-upper, in need of a fresh coat of paint.”
“That’s not what I’m saying!” Letitia protested, but he didn’t seem mad, just amused.
“I can read between the lines. So how about I save us both the trouble, and tell you, it’s never going to happen. No expansion, no big-shot new clients.” Chase gave a shrug, and popped another snack in his mouth. “I have more work than I can handle, and I’m happy with my life the way it is. And I’ll pass on the wedding, too. But you can bring me back some cake.”
Letitia’s heart fell a little. She knew she should probably drop it, but… This was about more than just having a date for the big event. He couldn’t really be serious, just treading water in life, when it would be so easy to make a big splash.
“Have you really thought about the future, though – for you, and the business?” she pressed, rounding the counter. “I’m not talking about going corporate or anything, but if you decided to stay in one place for a while, it could be smart to build things out a little. Rent an office, maybe,” she suggested. “Have an assistant handling clients. You could actually wind up doing less work,” she added, tempting. “Not having to deal with all the boring details, when you could be out surfing instead.”
Chase laughed. “I knew you were a good negotiator, but you could talk a man into anything.”
“Thank you.” She beamed. “So… Does that mean you’ll think about it?”
“Nope. The way I work right now works for me,” he explained. “I don’t need an office keeping me tied to one place. I don’t have any plans on settling down.”
Letitia’s smile slipped. She’d known he liked his life on the road, but for some reason, she hadn’t thought about what might happen after summer was over. Now, it was the only question in her mind.
“So, you can’t even imagine it?” she asked carefully, her heart suddenly beating faster. “Even staying here, in Sweetbriar Cove, near your family?”
Chase looked away.
“Look, Letitia…” he started, sounding reluctant. “I told you from the start, I’m not looking for commitment. I’m not that guy.”
His words sounded final, and just like that, her effervescent mood disappeared, and Letitia came crashing back down to earth with a bump.
The wine turned bitter in her mouth, and she swallowed. “Why couldn’t you be?” she asked, feeling a flicker of desperation rise in her chest. “How do you even know it’s not for you?”
“Trust me, I know,” Chase replied grimly.
“But don’t you even want to see?” Letitia pressed. “How can you be so sure that commitment is all wrong for you, if you’ve never even tried it?”
“Because I have!” Chase burst out. His face was set, and there was a look in his eyes that she’d never seen before: sharp and cold. “I’m not just making this up as I go along,” he said, with a tense edge in his voice. “I was married before – and it was a disaster. I know for sure, I’m never going down that road again!”
16
Married.
The word sat there on the counter between them, and Chase could see the confusion in her eyes as Letitia paused, looking at him in clear disbelief.
Damnit.
One minute, things were relaxed and easy, all good times and great wine, and the next, everything was teetering on the edge of this cliff. Chase wished that he could take it back, but she had to keep pushing him.
And he had to tell her the truth eventually.
“What…?” Letitia started, then stopped, looking flustered. “I mean, when…?”
Chase winced. “It was years ago,” he admitted, hating every word. “I was young, and dumb, and crazy in love. We eloped to Vegas together... And then got divorced barely six months later.”
Letitia opened her mouth, and then closed it, and then opened it again. “I don’t understand.”
“There’s nothing to understand,” Chase gave an awkward shrug. He felt the echoes of the past binding tight around him, taking him back five years ago. Kira in that white summer dress, racing around the Elvis chapel gathering something borrowed, something blue. They’d barely gotten through their vows without laughing, high on each other and love. He remembered looking at her, as the minister pronounced them husband and wife, feeling like the luckiest guy in the world. Surely, he’d pulled some kind of heist, making this girl his own.
Well, it turned out, the joke had been on him.
“So what happened?” Letitia asked quietly. He could feel her gaze on him, full of confusion and disappointment. He didn’t blame her. Maybe he should have told her from the start, but the truth was, Chase liked to pretend the whole mess had never even happened. It was a chapter in his life best left alone, and every time it got dragged up again, it just left him feeling like a fool.
“It was a mistake, plain and simple.” He said reluctantly. “Marriage… It changed everything. Our relationship was fun, spontaneous. Easy. But the minute we put labels on it, it was like we destroyed all the things that made us good. Like were trying to force ourselves into playing a role, instead of just being us.”
He could remember the fights, the screaming matches that started over nothing, and would rage for days. Kira had never been jealous, but now she snapped at him every time he so much as talked to another woman. He was her husband, she would yell. He was supposed to put her first. And he was no better: He didn’t try to patch things up, or make her laugh the way he used to. It was so easy to take her for granted, and not make the same effort anymore. After all, they were bound together now, ‘til death do they part.
Looking back, it was no wonder everything fell apart. A relationship wasn’t made to withstand that kind of pressure, and Chase had to watch as all his hopes – his future with Kira – went up in smoke. “It wasn’t one big thing,” he told Letitia, hollow. “Nobody cheated. We were both to blame for even thinking we could make it permanent. But the minute we put those rings on…” Chase trailed off. “Well, things started breaking down, until I didn’t recognize her – or myself – anymore. That’s when I swore, not to make the same mistake again,” he added grimly. “You start counting on forever, and you’re already guaranteeing you’ll never make it that far.”
He’d gone over it a thousand times, in the wreckage of the breakup, asking himself what they could have done differently. And every time, the answer was the same: It was making promises that caused everything to fall apart.
They said that when you make plans, God laughs. Well, the only person laughing was their divorce lawyer in the end.
“But that’s no reason to turn your back on relationships altogether,” Letitia protested. “Sometimes, things just don’t work out. Maybe you and Kira just weren’t right for each other, and that’s why it failed. It
doesn’t mean that if you tried again—”
“But I’m not going to.” he interrupted. “The only reason I’m telling you this is so you don’t start thinking that I might change my mind, or come around in time. Because that’s not me. I know for sure, I’m not going down that road again.”
“Never?”
Her voice was quiet, and there was something in Letitia’s expression, like this was the most important answer he was going to give. For a moment, Chase wondered if there was any other way. If he could lie, and say, ‘maybe’. If he could buy them a little more time…
No. It wouldn’t be fair. On Letitia – or on him. He’d made his choice a long time ago, and never regretted it for one day since.
Until now. Until her.
But he couldn’t go changing his mind now, no matter how breathtaking Letitia looked, barefoot in the evening sun, or how her gaze was fixed on him, naked with hope.
“Never,” he said firmly.
“Oh.”
Chase saw something shift in Letitia’s expression. A flicker of hope, fading away. But that wasn’t his fault, he told himself. He’d been honest with her from the start.
“Look, don’t go making this into something it’s not,” he began, feeling oddly defensive.
“What do you mean?” Letitia met his eyes, cooler this time.
“Making out like I led you on, or... Gave you false expectations.” Chase shifted, uncomfortable. “I put my cards on the table, right from the start. We’ve had fun,” he reminded her. “Why would you want to go and ruin it now?”
“Because I want more!” Letitia’s face creased with emotion, and Chase felt the icy blow of guilt, cold in his gut. “I want to go to bed knowing that you’ll be there in the morning, that we can make plans for Christmas next year without you freaking out! I want to get married, and have children, and get old and boring together telling the same stories for the hundredth time. I want a partner I can count on,” she said fiercely, “I want us to be together, for real and I thought...” Her voice broke, but Letitia kept talking. “I thought you might want that too.”
He did.
Chase wanted it more than anything. Hell, he woke up at night sometimes and just lay there, watching her sleep beside him, wondering if she’d still take his breath away like this in ten, twenty, fifty years time. He wanted to know what that kind of forever felt like, what she could mean to him if he let himself love her all the way.
And that was the problem.
Because even wanting that much was wanting too much. And if he let himself fall, started counting on some kind of forever with her... Well, it would only destroy them in the end.
“Can’t you see, I’m trying to do the right thing for us here?” he asked, needing her to understand. He wasn’t the bad guy here. This wasn’t his fault. “The minute we put a label on this, and start making promises, it’s as good as over.”
“Like with her.” Letitia said slowly. “Your ex-wife.”
Chase winced. “Yes,” he said. “I told you, I’m not making that mistake again.”
“So that’s all love will ever be to you?” she challenged, color rising in her cheeks. “A mistake?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.” Letitia’s jaw set, she was getting angry now. “You’re so scared of having your heart broken, you’re willing to throw us away, rather than risk opening up to anyone again!”
“No.” Chase insisted. “That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” Letitia shot back. “Because we’re good together. No, we’re amazing. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, and we could build something incredible together, if you would only stop being such a coward and try!”
Chase felt a flicker of anger, and grabbed onto it tight. Better angry than guilty. Better believing she was the one to blame here, instead of it all being his fault. “I’m not a coward,” he said through gritted teeth.
“Of course you are!” Letitia exclaimed. “You’re terrified to get close to anyone, because it means you might actually have to put in the work, instead of just giving up and driving off to chase the next wave, and the next hot woman, when things don’t work out your way.”
Chase tensed, feeling exposed. “At least I’m not the one tying myself up in knots trying to live up to some ridiculous fantasy!”
Letitia stared at him. “What are you talking about?
“You!” he exclaimed, feeling cornered. “This! Your whole crazy plan to find the perfect man, and have the perfect wedding, and wind up with perfect babies, and a white picket fence. Did you ever stop to ask yourself if it’s what you really want? Or are you so desperate to get your parents’ approval, you’ll just blindly do whatever they expect from you?”
Letitia gasped. “That’s not true!”
“Really?” Chase asked. “Because I’ve been watching you all summer, trying to play the perfect daughter, working your ass off on that business proposal that your father won’t even look twice at.” He shook his head. Couldn’t she see, she was so much better than that? “Do you think if you bring home some stuffed shirt to make them happy, he’ll finally realize how brilliant you are?” he asked. “Because it won’t work. You’re only making yourself miserable trying to jump through all those society hoops! You could be happy – we could be happy – if you’d only let go of that picture-perfect image of how you think things are supposed to be.”
“Just because you’re scared of having a future with someone, it doesn’t mean the rest of us are stupid or weak for wanting to build something real!” Letitia shot back. “I want this future for me, not because I’ve been brainwashed by conventionality. You talk about keeping things casual, like you’ve cracked some kind of code,” she added. “But do you know what ‘no strings’ really means? It means you’ve got nothing connecting you to anyone. Nobody who you can call home.”
Chase didn’t know what to say to that, but before he could try to disagree, one of the pots on the stove began boiling over.
Letitia cursed, whirling around. She grabbed for it, too fast for Chase to stop her. “Don’t!” he called, but she was already yelping as her bare hand touched hot metal.
Letitia recoiled, nursing her palm.
“Are you hurt?” he asked, instinctively moving closer. “Here, let me see.”
But Letitia shook her head. “Don’t,” she said, and the pain in her voice cut him to the core. “I’m fine.”
She turned away from him, running the cold faucet over her hand.
“I have a first aid kit in the van,” Chase suggested, needing to do something.
“I said I’m fine,” she said, still not looking at him. “Barely a mark. I’ll forget it even happened by morning.”
She was putting on a brave face, trying to hide her hurt, but he knew her too well now.
He knew her better than anyone.
“I… I’m sorry,” he said uselessly. “I know you’re disappointed, but I told you, I’m not the guy who does this. Wedding dates, and family dinners, and—”
“Would you stop saying that?” Letitia’s voice exploded, and when she turned back to him, her eyes were glittering in anger. “Yes, you warned me, but you’re acting like it’s some ‘get out of jail free’ card – one of those contracts where I signed the small print, so you can’t be held responsible for anything that’s happened here.” She moved closer, counting off on her fingers accusingly. “You said you didn’t do relationships, but you showed up to have dinner, and spend the night, and just hang out together! You’re the one who picked up muffins in the morning and brought me flowers, and came to meet my parents. You’re the one who made me fall in love with you!”
Her voice broke on the final words, and Chase’s heart stopped dead in his chest.
She loved him?
He stared at her in disbelief, feeling his world tilt right of its axis. “Tish…” he began, but she didn’t let him finish.
“Don’t. If you aren’t planning on staying,
then please, just go,” Letitia said fiercely, and he knew she wasn’t talking about just tonight. “You’ve made yourself perfectly clear. You don’t want to be with me. Not enough to take that risk, anyway,” she said, and he realized to his horror, she was trying not to cry.
“Tish…” he said again, but she shook her head.
“Please, don’t make this any harder than it needs to be.”
There was a terrible silence, and Chase stood there, torn. His heart ached to go to her, but all he could think about was the safe deposit box, waiting for him at a bank in California. The one containing a lone gold wedding band and a stiff manila envelope, with his final divorce papers. He’d tried to keep his failure locked away, but here it was right in front of him, replaying all over again.
And this time, he only had himself to blame.
So maybe Letitia was right, and he was a coward, after all. Because in the end, he didn’t stay and fight. He didn’t make the promises he knew she needed to hear, or swear that he would change – for her. He didn’t listen to the voice telling him that he was about to screw up the best thing that had ever happened to him.
No, in the end, when it mattered, Chase could only turn and walk away.
17
When Letitia woke up the next morning, there was no sign of Chase’s RV parked outside the beach house.
He was gone.
She rested her forehead against the cool glass, blinking back tears. She’d barely slept a wink, crying herself into a restless sleep, and had woken half-hoping that last night’s fight was just a terrible mistake. That Chase would be waiting on the back porch with coffee and an apology, swearing that he didn’t want to lose her, that he wanted them to be together for real...
But instead, there was just an empty patch of sand where his van used to be.
It was really over.
Letitia remembered how furious she’d been at the start of summer, walking out to see that hulking eyesore, wrecking her perfect view. Now, she had a clean sweep of beach again, the golden sands rolling down to the morning waves... And she couldn’t have cared about it less. All she could think about was the look in Chase’s eyes when he’d finally told her he’d been married before.
