Yours Truly

by Fontaine, Bella

  I nodded and held out my hand to shake hers.

  “No, I’m not going to shake your hand like we don’t know each other.” She moved to me and gave me a hug. Holding me tight she did that thing Olivia did and tagged on my dog tags to pull me down so she could kiss the edge of my cheek. “Don’t be a stranger Sam. You’re doing the wrong thing by leaving, but.. I get it. I hope I see you soon.” She stepped back releasing me.

  “Take care of yourself Jada.” I couldn’t tell her I would see her soon because I wouldn’t.

  I left her and went inside the hospital main entrance then continued down the corridor to Olivia’s room.

  Joe was sitting outside the room. He stood up when he saw me looking like he was ready for a fight.

  “Relax old man, I’m not here to go against you. Again.” I held my hand up and he eased off.

  “Why are you here?”

  “Came to say goodbye.”

  His face was a mixture of surprise and confusion. “Goodbye?”

  “I’m leaving LA. Leaving for good. you don’t have to worry about ever seeing me again. I’m not coming back.”

  Now his face was stern.

  “Sam I –”

  I held up my hand and stopped him. “Don’t, you don’t need to. You really don’t. You never did. The fact of the matter is Joe, I was a lost kid you shouldn’t have saved. But thank you.” I reached into my back pocket and pulled out an envelope with the letter I wrote Olivia. “Can you give her this?”

  He took the letter from me, looked down at the envelope then back to me.

  “I’ll give it to her,” he promised.

  “Tell her that one doesn’t have any complaints about the food. This time I managed to get to the end of the page with no complaints about the food. The letter has good content.”

  “Good content?” Joe regarded me with sad eyes.

  “Well it’s a funny story really goes right back to when she was ten. She told me she’d write to me if I ever went away because it was safer. I told her I didn’t write letters and I’ve written maybe five hundred letters to her since.”

  “Five hundred?” Surprise arched his brows.

  “Yeah could be more. Anyway. You take care Joe.” I couldn’t anymore. I just couldn’t.

  He opened his mouth to say something but I turned and walked away.

  Time to go, again.

  Chapter 20

  Olivia

  * * *

  My hands shook as I opened the letter. Dad handed it to me and left, giving me the privacy I needed.

  I was already crying before I opened it.

  I didn’t want to read a goodbye letter from Sam because I wanted nothing more than to be with him.

  To hear he was leaving and had left crushed me.

  If I’d known that the last time I was going to see him was back on the roof when I got shot, well… I wouldn’t know what I would do.

  I wouldn’t have believed it.

  I opened the letter and dried my tears so I could see. Pulling in a deep breath I released it slowly and closed my eyes. Whenever I got a letter from Sam, I’d always imagined him talking the words as he wrote them so it was like he was talking to me.

  I’d done that for all five hundred and fifty letters he’d written to me. At first we kept track of how many we were sending each other. After the five hundredth one exchanged by each of us we stopped counting.

  This was my five hundredth and fifty first.

  When I opened my eyes and started reading I imagined him in front of me. Warmth… pure with the caress of love filled me and it was like he really was here. sitting in front of me.

  Dear Olivia,

  I have so much I want to say to you. More apologies for what happened to you and for all you’ve been through because of me.

  I told you a few weeks back that if I love you the way I do I’ll what what’s best for you. I do. I really do. So, here’s me leaving.

  As you read this I’m on my way out again.

  . Leaving for good this time. It wasn’t the way I wanted to say goodbye but, I don’t really know if I could stare you in the face and say those words.

  I think it would physically kill me, so maybe it worked out for the best.

  You were right about writing to each other. Writing worked for us.

  Anyway, I wanted you to know something.

  I wanted you to know that I figured it out. All of it from start to finish. We always talked about age, like that was ever relevant to how we ever felt.

  Or, maybe it was me. I was always looking for reasons why I couldn’t be with you. It was an easier life to be a coward and not man up and just be with you.

  But, I figured it out.

  None of that mattered. They were just details, kinks that worked or not.

  I think the time we had was just that. Time. Here’s the part where I’m supposed to say I’m leaving because it’s for the best. I am telling myself that, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave for the best. I want to go sailing with my girl and spend the rest of my life with my girl. Watch my girl smile as she walks along the beach and I fall for you every time I look at you.

  I didn’t know it was possible to do that. How can you love someone more, and more every day? I used to hear of it but I never believed it until I met you. Met you and saw you.

  It took me all those years to come to terms with how I felt and the thing I figured out was this, being with you was my good thing. you were the good thing that happened to a guy like me who came from nowhere. I had nothing and no one. You saw the best in me when there was not a damn thing that was good in me to see.

  I don’t know how you saw it, or what you saw but whatever you saw helped me find myself.

  I think that love isn’t just a feeling. It’s the thing that makes you a better version of yourself. But the thing is all the while you’re doing that, you’re doing all that good for the one you love. The end result is being so much different to who you were before.

  That’s you for me.

  Beauty and the Bad boy.

  Thank you for loving me.

  I don’t want to say goodbye.

  But I must.

  Please… try to forget me. It’s best. You won’t think so now but it really is for the best.

  Know this though. I won’t forget you. I never did and I can’t love anybody else the way I love you. That’s for me to worry about.

  I hope you won’t be mad at me for leaving.

  Yours always,

  Sam

  My eyes clung to those last words and I couldn’t let go. I would never, ever forget him either and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I couldn’t love anybody else either.

  I broke down in a flood of uncontrollable tears that seemed to pour from my soul. My soul was weeping. Crying with the deepest sorrow.

  I wouldn’t accept goodbye. So there… that was my choice.

  That was my choice, I just damn well made it.

  I wouldn’t accept goodbye. Even if I searched to the ends of the earth, until the end of time I’d find him. It was something I had to promise myself.

  Hope in the darkness that swallowed up my heart.

  * * *

  The next day I was in the worst mood. I felt like shit and I was in no mood to see anyone, but at the same time I knew it would be good to have people around me.

  Dad got here from early. It must have been just after seven. Then Jada came with some muffins and pretzels from Jake’s Spot. That made me feel better.

  I wasn’t in the talking mood though and neither were they. It was the kind of visit where we all knew that Sam left and no one wanted to talk about it.

  My main focus was home. I wanted to know when I was going home.

  When Doctor Price came to do her first round of visits it was the first thing I asked her.

  “I’m terribly sorry but we’re going to have to keep you in for a few more days at the very least. A minimum of another five days if not longer,” she explain
ed.

  “Five days, I can’t. I have to go home. It’s driving me crazy staying here.” I sounded harsher than I wanted to.

  Dad glanced at me and tried to reassure me by resting his hand on my shoulder. Him doing that though just infuriated me. I glared at him and he removed his hand. He knew I was mad and holding it in.

  “I understand completely, but it’s for the best.”

  “Everyone keeps telling me that. Suddenly everyone else knows what’s best for me, more than me.” I knew I sounded like a bitch, and she was probably the only person in this room who did know what was best for me. Health wise.

  “Miss St. Claire. I do understand and I’m going to insist that I do know what’s best for you in this instance. There’s also a matter we needed to discuss with you but we waited until you were more stable and your blood pressure levelled off to a normal range.”

  I pressed my head back into the stack of pillows Jada had made for me.

  That sounded like something was wrong with me.

  Perfect.

  “Is this something we have to worry about?” Dad asked.

  “No it’s actually quite a private matter I wanted to discuss with Miss St. Claire.”

  Jada sucked in a little breath and looked like she was privy to some secret.

  She had that face she always made when she was about to give me some saucy gossip. That was Jada, always assuming something juicy. Couldn’t think why she would think that here of all the places.

  “No. They stay. I don’t care anymore. I’m too weak to take anything in and if I have to fill out forms I’ll be useless.” I told her.

  Dr. Price gave me a tentative smile. “Are you sure? It is rather private.”

  “I’m certain.” I was and I really didn’t care.

  “Okay. When you first came to us we were able to detect something very important in our scans. It’s the reason why we’ve been taking extra care and had to use certain medication.”

  “What is it?” I bit the edge of my lip.

  “You’re pregnant.”

  As soon as she said the words that rug of reality pulled from under me again, and all I could do was stare at her. It was as if everything and everyone faded into the background and all there was, was this news.

  “What?” My lips trembled.

  “You’re pregnant.”

  “I’m on birth control. The pill.”

  “Well not anymore. I’m guessing you might have forgotten to take a tablet, or were late taking a dose. It happens.”

  I was trying to remember when that could have been but couldn’t place it. It must have been the other week when Sam and I were so crazy into each other we didn’t even know what day it was.

  “I’m pregnant,” I breathed.

  “I apologize that we didn’t tell you before, but you’ve only been awake for the last two days. Our policy protocol on patient confidentiality prevents us from sharing that kind of sensitive information with our patient’s families or next of kin until they’re in a coma for at minimum of two weeks. I specifically requested we delay telling you until you stabilized.”

  Me…

  Me pregnant. And Sam…

  Oh God.

  “I’m pregnant.” I said again more to myself this time than as a question to her, then I looked at Dad who was already looking at me. He looked shocked.

  “Just a few weeks. Very early days. So that’s another reason why we have to keep you in. Your body went through a lot of trauma with the bullet and the surgery.”

  “Will the baby be okay?” I asked quickly on hearing that.

  “You’re doing good. I’d say great, so that’s good and everything is as it should be for this stage of pregnancy. But I need to keep an eye on you for a little bit longer.”

  “Okay.” It was amazing how my focus suddenly shifted from myself and my mood of funk to … my baby.

  God… the surprises were seriously rolling right in, in full force.

  Pregnant. Me.

  I was pregnant and the father of my child just left me again for the second time in my life, never to return.

  The worse was thing I couldn’t even contact him to tell him.

  Jada knew when I needed her and she came over to me before I could even think it.

  She pulled me in for a hug and I broke down again when it all hit me full force.

  Chapter 21

  Sam

  Zihuatanejo.

  This time I thought why the hell not. I loved Mexico so this time I thought I’d go someplace that was more me.

  This was the place Andy Dufresne came to in Shawshank Redemption.

  In light of my recent memories of the movie I thought it might be the one place to go to that would offer me some respite.

  Zihuatanejo was a small fishing village that had grown in recent years due to the publicity it gained from the film. When I got here I saw why. The beach was just as beautiful as it was in the movie but more importantly for me it was a great place to escape to, and stay off grid.

  The main part of the beach had been closed for a while a couple of years back and that discouraged people from going.

  I’d managed to station myself off the coastal area near San Luis de la Loma. Quiet and private and where no one really spoke to me.

  It was the sort of place you really would drift to if you wanted to be alone.

  I lived in a beach hut that suited me fine. There was a boat outside I’d fixed up and taken out on the sea a few times and I even caught some fish.

  That was me for the last two weeks.

  Fuck. Two weeks ago I was saying my goodbyes. Even though I’d written Olivia that letter I knew it wasn’t enough.

  How could it be?

  I’d be mad if I were her.

  I’d left again and this time I was more depressed and there was an aimlessness that filled me that I didn’t like.

  Aimless because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know what to do with my life.

  I didn’t know what to do, full stop.

  At first I tried this strategy: wake up, try to forget the last few weeks but focus on Olivia. I didn’t want to forget the parts about her.

  Doing that however drove me mad. It depressed me more.

  So I tried to forget everything and that saddened me because I didn’t want to forget everything.

  So I was stuck in limbo on a paradise island where I’d probably die.

  After all I’d been through. All I’d learned, all I’d become.

  This was it.

  I guess it could be much worse though. Could be stuck in prison for murder. Funnily, this almost felt like the same thing.

  Loneliness and desolation were the common denominators. Living life somewhere isolated from the people you loved. Whether that was in the confines of four gray walls or on the back of beyond on a paradise island, it felt the same to me.

  I guess when I imagined coming here I didn’t think I’d draw such a conclusion.

  I’d been out here for the last few hours sitting on the beach near the boat.

  I was sure I looked like shit because I hadn’t shaved since I’d been here so my beard was way longer than I’d ever had it. And it could stay that way.

  I’d gone out to the village area earlier to get some beer. I’d already drank two bottles and considered another. I knew my limit, another would make me drunk. Just like yesterday.

  I’d gone sailing like it and nearly fell out of the boat. I was pretty certain I would have drowned if that happened because the minute I came back to shore I fell asleep on the front porch. I never even made it to the bed.

  It would rain soon. I could smell it. that and the faint smell of tobacco.

  Maybe I imagined the tobacco. Maybe I imagined the onset of rain too. Here everything seemed to blend into one.

  Night, day, sunshine, rain, smells, tastes. Sights.

  “You look really bored Sam,” said a voice I recognized.

  It made me jump to attention because I was
so used to the quiet.

  I narrowed my eyes and shaded them from the sun as I looked behind me and saw Joe.

  Joe…

  Nah, couldn’t be him. I must have imagined him here. I’d finally gone bat shit crazy because why in the ever living fuck would my brain choose to conjure up an image of Joe standing in front of me smoking a Cuban cigar and wearing one of those terrible shirts tourist wore with the palm trees.

  He looked like Joe and he moved closer to me.

  Closer and dropped the remains of the cigar on the golden sand, stepping on it with his sandals to put it out.

  Fucking hell, it was him.

  I had to stand up. I had to.

  “Joe?” My lips parted.

  “Hey son.”

  “What are you doing here? This is Mexico. Is Olivia alright?” I panicked the minute I said that.

  “She’s healthy. I’m not sure I can say she’s alright though. She’s not. She looks like she just lost the love of her life. She has that lost and desolate look you’re currently sporting.”

  “Why are you here?” It couldn’t be to tell me that.

  “I need to talk to you.”

  “No. It’s done, I’m done. I’m not supposed to be around any of you, or probably anyone for the matter. How did you even find me?”

  There was no way he would have found me through any conventional method. No chance whatever. But, here he was. I was really interested to hear it.

  He smiled and something in the smile reminded me of home.

  “Just before you left you said you were the kid I shouldn’t have saved. Sam… I selfishly freaked out over the last few weeks, and what happened to Olivia got me in a way where I couldn’t see straight. I always wondered what I could have done better with Coop, then I realized I couldn’t have done anything, and it wasn’t you who made him do anything, because you did your best to be a good influence on him too. You were my kid too Sam, not just some guy I thought I’d saved. So in answer to your question… I figured out you were here after my PI came back with nothing. I sent him to look for you and he came up with nothing. That made me think about what you’d do and I remembered here. Mexico, but this place specifically. you talked about it with Coop after you guys finished your Shawshank spree. I think that if you weren’t my kid, I wouldn’t have known to come here. That was such a long time ago I can’t believe I remembered but my heart told me to come here and here you are. Here with a little boat just like in the movie.”