Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters

by Meg Meeker

  Maybe it was the stress of Vanderbilt that made her look this way, Tom thought. No, he reasoned, it was his divorce. Or maybe it was linked to his bout with depression six years ago—maybe this was something genetic? Or maybe it reflected his shortcomings as a father. Tom worked long hours at his accounting firm and often felt guilty about not being home enough while Jackie and her brothers were growing up.

  Over the course of Christmas break, Tom’s fears grew. Maybe she had cancer—or AIDS. Possibilities whirled through his mind. He called colleagues, friends, and even his ex-wife. He watched his beautiful daughter get up early every morning and exercise for a full hour and a half in front of a video on the television. He offered to take her out to lunch, then dinner, and she refused both. She was ill-tempered. She said school was going well but somehow he realized she was lying.

  “Why don’t you ever eat?” he asked one day.

  She screamed at him, “Don’t try to control me. You’re such a control freak, Dad! Don’t you realize I’m an adult now? Mom treats me like one, why can’t you? I should have known better than to come to your house for Christmas. Mom warned me.”

  Tom’s heart sank and his thoughts stopped dead. He didn’t know what to think or what to do. He called a physician friend. She told him that Jackie probably had an eating disorder.

  After Jackie underwent months of intensive medical treatment, I sat beside Tom and his daughter. She was calm and deliberate. He was quiet.

  “Dad, you just don’t get it. I feel so fat. I know you don’t think so, but I know it. The feelings, the thoughts that I’m fat just keep coming back over and over.” She sighed heavily.

  “Jackie,” Tom said firmly. “Tell me that again, please.”

  “What?”

  “Those thoughts—tell me what they say. I want to hear it.” He knew what the thoughts were because he’d heard them a million times over. But that wasn’t the point.

  “Come on, Dad, you know. They say that I’m ugly. If I lost a few pounds then guys would ask me out. Oh, I don’t even care about that, I just can’t stop feeling like losing a few more pounds would make me feel better.”

  “Thank you,” Tom responded. “That thought’s not you. It’s the disease talking. Can you push it around? Can you kill it? It’s not you, honey. It’s those voices in your head that are wrong.”

  Jackie looked down, frustrated. She didn’t argue. In her heart she knew her dad was right. She trusted him. He was smart, he was kind, even if he had made some really big mistakes. He was her dad—and at twenty-two, she listened to him.

  “I am beautiful, I am beautiful,” he chanted.

  Jackie knew what came next. She didn’t want to say it. She might believe it. And in some distorted way, starvation had become her friend, and she was afraid to lose it.

  Tom waited in silence.

  “I am okay-looking,” Jackie finally said quietly.

  Month after month, Tom’s job was to find ways to fight the demons in Jackie’s head. He was determined to win.

  Jackie returned to Vanderbilt and is doing extremely well today. Did her dad heal her anorexia? Not alone, but his involvement was a necessary part of her treatment.

  The best way to prevent anorexia nervosa from striking your daughter is to help her define her self-image, to talk to her often, and if you find she has toxic thoughts, to challenge and defeat them.

  “I Need to Be Sexy”

  As part of a routine checkup, I leaned over to examine the abdomen of my twelve-year-old patient. She looked up at me and said, “Dr. Meeker, that thing around your neck, it’s sexy!”

  While I shouldn’t have been, I was stunned.

  “What thing?”

  “You know—whatever that black thing is that you use to listen to my heart. That’s so sexy.”

  Even more disturbing was that the girl’s mother didn’t flinch as she said these things. She sat in a corner reading her magazine.

  Sexy now means cool, pretty, shiny, glamorous, or even just okay. Words can be sexy, book covers can be sexy, even tablecloths can be sexy.

  You and I hear the word so often that it becomes devoid of meaning. It’s just another word. But we have grown-up minds.

  Every day girls see flesh flashed at them by beautiful women: plunging necklines, plump breasts protruding, silky long legs in slit dresses, feet in spiked heels. They see products advertised with sex, they see TV shows relentlessly focused on sex, they listen to music and watch music videos more graphic in sexual imagery than anything experienced by previous generations.

  In the mind of a ten-year-old American girl—and certainly if she’s older—being sexy is an expected way of life.

  Somewhere during her teen years, your daughter will wrestle with the desire to look sexy to her girlfriends and boyfriends. She needs the approval of her peers and longs to live the cool life portrayed in sitcoms and magazines. The voices in her head will tell her that if she isn’t sexy, she’s nothing.

  You don’t want your daughter heading off to school with the lace of her red bra peeking out from her unbuttoned white shirt. But our toxic popular culture will tell her that’s the thing to do. So you need to teach her otherwise, gently but firmly. Don’t make her feel bad about her desire to be attractive. Just affirm that modesty is attractive too—and more self-respecting. Help her to understand what signals she sends to boys through her clothes and behavior. Let her know that you have her best interests in mind; clothing companies don’t. She will love you for it.

  “I Need to Be Independent”

  Strong women are independent. They think on their own, weigh options, and make decisions. Good fathers want their daughters to “stand on their own two feet” and learn to think for themselves.

  That’s great in theory, but it misses the point that we’re all dependent on others—and your daughter is dependent on you.

  Many young women have absorbed the feminist idea that women don’t need men. Yes, we do. We need fathers, husbands, lovers, protectors, and nurturers. To say that we don’t contradicts the most elemental truths of human nature. We need other people. And women need more than just other women.

  So while popular culture will teach your daughter she needs to be independent, you need to ensure this is a natural and healthy psychological development (as it can and should be) and not a contrived one. Kids must learn—and earn—their independence.

  Where many fathers miss the mark is during adolescence. We’ve all been trained to believe that teens are “impossible.” Adolescence, we’re told, is normal and healthy, even if it means your daughter goes through a period of being moody, obnoxious, and out of control. You just have to “give her space.”

  As a doctor who works with teens, I know that all of that is exactly wrong. “Adolescence” isn’t biologically normal. Yes, your daughter will change during puberty, but these changes are physical. The whole image we have of adolescent rebellion and independence comes not from the biochemistry of your daughter; it is—and has been—contrived by modern marketing. It’s a “product” you and your daughter don’t have to buy.

  The idea that parents should leave their teenagers alone only makes it easier to sell this product to your daughter, and actually causes or exacerbates what we think of as “adolescent problems.”

  Your thirteen-year-old needs you even more than your six-year-old does. Be there for her.

  “I Need More”

  This one is simple. But it’s also widely ignored. Parents simply find it hard to say no when kids say, “But please, Dad, I need . . .” It starts with toys, then moves up to CDs, televisions in the room, designer-label jeans—you know the score. The problem is not in having things. The problem is thinking that “things” will make you happier. In the old days, parents instinctively understood the danger of spoiling children. Nowadays, parents need to be reminded that giving in to “I need” sets up a vicious cycle of endlessly pursuing material things for the sake of elusive happiness. It leads to greed, anxiety, and meanness.r />
  Does your daughter really need extra toys, bikes, jeans, and shoes in order to make her life better? Of course not. You know that. And she needs to learn it. So act on that knowledge.

  “I Can’t Say No”

  If your daughter is sensitive, sincere, and very nice, you have a serious problem on your hands. Every father alive wants his daughter to display these qualities in addition to being disciplined and wise. These are wonderful aspirations, but you need to be warned.

  Nice girls want to please people. Sensitive daughters work very hard to get their fathers’ approval. They will go to extremes to receive attention, adoration, and congratulations from you. Be sure that you see this and reassure your daughter that she makes you very happy. But here’s the problem. If she is really sweet, she will have difficulty upsetting her friends—she’ll find it hard to say no, and they might take advantage of that.

  A nice girl needs to be taught to be nice but firm, and to say no and mean it. Teach her to act according to what is best for her, have her practice saying no, and tell her that the most important part of being nice is living up to the moral code you’ve given her. Paint scenarios for her so she can visualize what to do. If she goes to a friend’s sleepover and the kids are watching Fatal Attraction, she needs to leave the room and call you. You know that will be hard for her. She won’t want to make a scene, but let her know that the people she has to please most of all are you and her mother, not her friends, who might not know any better, and not her friends’ parents, who might have different standards. She needs to politely stand up for her own standards—the ones you’ve given her.

  Andrea was eighteen, a senior in high school getting ready to graduate in two months. Her parents left town for the weekend, leaving her to stay home with a girlfriend. Andrea’s friend called a boy and invited him over, and pretty soon about thirty kids were at Andrea’s home drinking and partying. Andrea felt guilty and frightened and asked people to leave. They wouldn’t; they turned the music up louder. One boy was so drunk he fell down the staircase and broke the banister. Another started tossing a medicine ball in the living room and broke a window.

  Then the cops came. Most of the kids scattered before the police came to the door. Not Andrea. She stayed, opened the door, and told them everything that had happened. Had she been drinking? “Just a little,” she said. A breathalyzer showed she was telling the truth. But she and five of her friends now have police records.

  Her school found out. She was kicked off the track team. The college she was entering in the fall found out as well. She started her freshman year on probation.

  Her parents shouldn’t have left her home alone. Andrea was too nice to be left alone.

  Parents often tell me, “My daughter is a really good kid. She knows right from wrong and that drinking is trouble. If she were at a party, I have no doubt she would do the right thing.”

  But I see really good kids all the time who got in trouble because they didn’t know how to say no, because their parents hadn’t prepared them for the situations in which they found themselves, because their parents expected a teenager to make a decision that an adult should have made. Even the best of daughters want to please their friends. You must assume that whatever her friends do, she’ll do.

  Finally, remember, nice girls die in car accidents. Nice girls get pregnant. Nice girls fall for bad boys. Teaching your daughter to say no could save her life.

  Chapter Ten

  Keep Her Connected

  “Are you crazy?” I said to my husband. He ignored me. Padding to our children’s bedrooms, he whispered, “Come here! I have something to show you.” It was 1:30 in the morning.

  I stood at the top of the stairs. One by one, he collected our kids and shuttled them outside to the front stoop. There, on the cement, they parked their tired little bodies for the next hour, staring at the northern lights flashing across the sky. Even in June, the night was chilly enough that I could see puffs of air leaving their tiny nostrils. I wanted to scold my husband for putting the kids at risk for pneumonia, but I stayed quiet.

  No one said much during that hour in the dark. We simply watched and shivered as brilliant green and red corrugated sheets (they really look like this) streaked through the night. Then we all crept back up the stairs and into our warm beds.

  I had difficulty sleeping afterward. The northern lights were beautiful, but what about spelling tests and kids falling asleep in class? I stewed for another half an hour.

  I don’t remember what grades our children were in that year, let alone what they faced during the next school day. I don’t remember because it didn’t matter. What matters is that all four of our kids remember their father’s extraordinary enthusiasm to share something marvelous with them. They remember sitting in the cold next to their dad—and that it was wonderful.

  Psychologists, physicians, and researchers spend untold time and money researching what keeps kids on the right track—away from drugs, gangs, drinking, and sex. And what do they find over and over again? What parents already know: you are the key to your daughter’s excellence and happiness.

  Parent connectedness: mothers and fathers staying together, and mothers and fathers spending time with their kids. And no one is more important to a daughter than her father.

  You don’t need to read all the studies and psychology books to know what to do. Our cold little girls connected with their dad on that chilly June night.

  All your daughter needs is for you to spend time with her. Think of yourself as your daughter’s base camp. She needs a place to stop and settle, to reorient and remember who she is, where she started, and where she’s going. She needs a place to rest and get reenergized. You are that place.

  Work, Play, and Plan

  Fathers like to do things outside the house, so here’s a tip: take your daughter with you. Teach her to build an engine. Take her fishing or hiking, or go to a museum, or take her out to dinner. You don’t want to turn her into a boy, but let her spend time with you when you’re doing what you like to do. It will help you open up and share with her. She’ll see you when you are comfortable and enthusiastic. The great thing about outdoor activities is that conversation flows naturally. And especially today, when so many kids live on the Internet and their BlackBerries, having a real flesh-and-blood connection is more important than ever.

  Ours is an extraordinarily lonely country filled with people starving for real relationships. Ninety percent of the children (and parents) I see suffering from depression feel deeply lonely. Sophisticated electronics aren’t enough. Nothing substitutes for the real live presence of another person.

  Experts will tell you that most of what we communicate to another person comes not from what we say, but from our body language. And women are much more sensitive to body language than men are. So when you’re with your daughter, focus on her. Don’t take her to dinner and constantly glance at the table next to you. She’ll notice, and she won’t feel the important sense of engagement she otherwise would.

  Peter and Elizabeth loved athletics and the outdoors. When Elizabeth was in fourth grade, she began running track. When Peter came home from work, he’d take his daughter for a walk in the woods or a jog at the high school track. The more Elizabeth excelled at track, the prouder her father became.

  One meet was at a track up on a hill overlooking a four-lane highway. My daughter was competing in the meet as well. At one point, I looked down to the highway, and about half a mile away, I spotted a large gray-haired bicyclist. I finally figured out it was Peter.

  He was helmetless and dressed as if he’d come from work, in a white collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up, a tie flapping around his neck, and the legs of his dress slacks pinched into his black socks. Sweat soaked his shirt as he pedaled up the steep hill.

  He finally made it to the track, parked his bike, and without combing his tousled hair or even freeing his trousers from his socks headed over to the track.

  Elizabeth wasn’t running.
She was sitting cross-legged on a grassy sideline watching her classmates compete. When she spotted him, she stood up and trotted toward him. He lengthened his stride and quickened his speed. Then he lowered his six-foot-four-inch frame, grabbed her around the waist, and threw her into the air. She squealed as she flew like a rag doll above his head. He caught her, swung her around, and squeezed her. Then she ran back to the track. Her event was up next.

  Without any words, Peter connected with Elizabeth. He deepened their relationship. The running didn’t make their relationship stronger, spending time together made it stronger. The most vivid connection was when Peter, delighted by Elizabeth’s presence, threw her into the air. He didn’t ask how she was doing at the meet. He didn’t mind looking ridiculous in his bike-riding getup. He immediately and silently communicated that he thought she was wonderful. That was it. That was the connection.

  Most mothers don’t hoist their fifty-pound fourth graders into the air. We talk to them. Most mothers don’t take daughters fishing or help them tinker with engines on the weekends. Fathers do. So do it. Both of you need to get away from chores and homework. You need to spend time together having fun.

  The Lonely Teen

  Nowadays parents want their children to have cell phones so they can always be in touch. We want them to have e-mail so they can talk to us when they’re away at college.