by Linda Ellen
“I DID Mama!” Louise countered, her voice raised louder than she had ever spoken to her mother. “I was doing those things, in spite of T’ giving me hardly any money to buy the food with or run the house with! He only started being generous right before he shipped me off to here so he could run around with that floozy! He never bought me a fur coat or a diamond ring!” she added for good measure. “Why are you on his side against me?!”
The emotions of both mother and daughter had risen exponentially. Lilly clamped her mouth shut as she glared at her daughter, but Louise glared right back, tired of feeling like the villain in a ten cent novel.
“Tell me, Mama! Tell me why you hate me so much!” the daughter demanded of the mother.
Lilly’s mouth opened and closed like a beached fish for a moment, then she stuttered, “I…I…that’s ridiculous! I don’t hate you…” Then moments later, Louise saw a tiny crack begin in the mask Lilly always wore for the public. As she watched, her mother seemed to wilt before she wobbled the few steps to the other chair, dropping down as if in defeat. With tears forming in her eyes, she whispered, “Oh child…there are so many things you don’t know…so many things I’ve never told you, never told anyone.”
Louise’s brow furrowed, confused at this unexpected change of attitude from her normally stoic parent. Still breathing fast, her adrenaline pumping furiously, Louise strove to calm herself down.
Finally, she asked gingerly, “What…what things, Mama?” She wondered if this had anything to do with the vague hints Lilly had given her on numerous occasions that there had been some kind of secret in her mother’s past.
Lilly was staring at her hands, which were fidgeting in her lap, before she reached to bring up an edge of her apron to dab at her eyes. She knew it was long overdue that she should confide in her daughter, although just the thought of revealing her secret past gave her great pain and stung her pride. As she and Louise were alone in the house, she convinced herself that the occasion had presented itself. The other tenants were at work and Billy was at school, eliminating any further excuses.
Venturing to meet her daughter’s eyes, she saw the yearning for answers within and she realized she had, indeed, been treating Louise terribly of late. It wasn’t easy to admit that years of heartache had twisted her personality and caused her to lash out at those she loved. With a shuddering breath, she whispered, “I…I was…married before, to a man before your father. He was…the youngest son of the family that owned the Distillery in Bardstown where my father worked. His…his name was Archie,” she admitted haltingly. “He…he was lazy and good for nothing…we had two children together…your half brother and sister…Jake and Maribel…”
Louise’s eyes grew large and she murmured, “I have another sister and brother?” She was dumbfounded, and wondered why she had never met these two siblings…Why had Mama and Daddy never even mentioned them?
Lilly went on, numbly, “You must understand…I was raised in a strict Catholic home, and divorce was expressly forbidden – for any reason. But…my husband drank, and when he drank, he became hateful and mean, and he would beat me and the children. I would take the brunt to spare them, but…one day I grew quite tired of that and decided he had beaten me for the last time. My…my mother and father refused to help me, afraid of the wrath of God, so I…I stole some money from Archie’s wallet, packed some things, and persuaded a man I knew in the town to take me and the children all the way to Lexington.” She stopped and met Louise’s shocked gaze. “I didn’t think it through. It was a foolish thing to do – I knew no one there and had no plans, and no skills other than keeping house…”
Louise flopped back in her chair, her heart pounding now with sympathetic emotion as she listened to this tale coming from her straight-laced mother. She had never had a clue such secrets had been lurking underneath Lilly’s always perfectly coifed hair.
“When I arrived, what little money I had was used up quickly, and after many days of going without food in the boarding house where I had rented a room…I was desperate. So I…I bundled the children up and…asked the neighbor to take me in his wagon out to the county orphanage, where I…left them,” Lilly admitted agonizingly. Shaking, her eyes spilling over with tears as she remembered that painful day, she dabbed at their corners and sniffled.
“You left them there?” Louise asked softly, striving to take in such monumental disclosures.
“Yes,” Lilly defended sharply. “It was the only thing I could do…I couldn’t even feed myself.” She paused as if trying to decide how much of the story to impart. “Then I began to ask around for a housekeeping position, or perhaps that of a nanny, and I happened to meet someone who directed me…to your father.”
Again, Louise’s eyes widened. “Daddy?”
Lilly nodded, remembering back to those long ago and very difficult days. “Yes, Willis had an invalid wife. Her name was Phoebe. She was bed ridden from some sort of accident many years before, when she was just a young woman, and they had never had any children. Willis…he had taken good care of her, hiring women to stay with her during the day while he worked. He had a well-paid job as a machinist. I…I moved in as his live-in housekeeper, and I took care of Phoebe. My plan was to eventually ask Willis if I could get the children out of the orphanage and bring them to live with me…but…somehow that never happened,” she paused to dab the tears from her eyes.
Louise leaned forward, placing her hand over her mother’s, which lay on the arm of the chair. “Why, Mama?” she whispered.
Lilly paused, murmuring, “I’m ashamed to say, I was afraid to tell him that I had been married. Father Phillip, the priest of the parish where I had been raised…he had drilled into our heads that divorce is such a terrible thing, he called it the unpardonable sin…” She stopped, thinking of the oft-repeated threat that if a person divorced, they would go to hell. Shaking her head as a chill ran down her spine, she continued on, “I was afraid Willis would turn me out if he knew…so I just kept putting it off…and somehow the years went by…”
“Then…” Lilly wavered again as the memory she was about to share brought a stab of pain so shameful and fiercely deep, it nearly took her breath away. Louise suddenly had a bad feeling that the information she was about to hear would be quite shocking. “Then…one day as I was walking back to the house from the market…a man…he…he forced me into an open doorway…I had foolishly taken a short cut through an alley…and he…” she winced, unable to make herself say the words, but the look of pain and mortification with which she met her daughter’s eyes explained everything so succinctly.
“Oh Mama! He…he forced you…?” Louise spoke in hushed horror.
Lilly looked away and nodded, ashamed to her core. She had never shared that information with another living soul, except her gentle and understanding Willis…
“What happened then? Did you report him? Was he arrested?” Louise fired the questions, both angered at the terrible man and aching for the pain her mother had endured.
Lilly forced herself to glance back at Louise, and haltingly recited, “Nine months later…I had your sister…Edna Marie…” She waited a few moments for the unveiling to register, and when it did, Louise squealed, “Mama! Edna…Daddy isn’t Edna’s father?” Good heavens! “Does Edna know?”
Her mother inclined her head solemnly. “Yes…when she was about ten, she unfortunately overheard a private conversation between Willis and I and…and she reacted quite harshly. She ran away, and Willis had to search for her for hours before he found her, down by the river, sitting under a tree, crying. He brought her back home…but she seemed to harbor a seething anger toward us, toward all of us, from that point on…”
Louise thought about that, and remembered back to when she, herself, was only six years old and Edna had run away.
Lilly went on, “Phoebe died several months before Edna was born, and by that time, Willis had fallen in love with me. He very gallantly asked me to marry him…down on one knee, in fact�
�and, I accepted. And he has never treated Edna like she was anything but his own child,” she added softly, truly grateful for her wise and loyal husband. “When we married, he moved us to Louisville, to take me away from the source of disgrace and the whispers of the neighbors. They assumed that Willis and I had…well…”
Louise bowed her head, asking gently. “But…what happened to Jake and Maribel?”
“I…they stayed in the orphanage. I had been housekeeper for Willis for twelve years, and by that time, both of the children were grown.” Faltering for a moment as the familiar feelings of loss and sadness threatened, she added, “Sundays were my day off. Willis would be home watching over Phoebe and so I had my day free. He assumed I was indulging in a hobby or going to the library, but I would take the trolley out to spend the day with the children…”
Louise moved from the chair then to kneel by her mother’s, laying her head in her lap like she used to do as a child. “Oh Mama…I’m sorry that happened to you. You went through so much…compared to this, my problems are small,” she murmured tenderly.
Lilly closed her eyes, lovingly stroking Louise’s hair back from her tear-stained face. Although the retelling of the facts of her past had been quite difficult, she did feel a bit better for having shared the burden…she just hoped she had done the right thing.
For Louise, it had been quite an eye-opener…and only enforced her unspoken belief that perhaps she was destined to never know true happiness…much, it seemed, as her mother.
That afternoon marked a turning point in the relationship between mother and daughter, forged by the sharing of a tragic past.
*
A week after her heart to heart conversation with Lilly, Louise was sitting on the front stoop of the apartment building, holding Tommy as they enjoyed a little bit of afternoon sunshine. Hearing a car turn the corner, she glanced over and recognized the Phaeton! Her heart speeding up with cautious dread, she watched as it pulled up to the curb. T.J. was behind the wheel…and he was alone.
Unsure about this development, Louise could only stare as he opened the door and got out, walking the short distance to her position. He looked neither glad to see her, nor adverse to it. It was as if he were devoid of feeling. Although he was dressed nicely, wearing a new, crisp shirt and creased pants she had never seen before, she noticed his eyes seemed bloodshot as if he hadn’t been sleeping well. As she watched, his gaze darted around as if he were afraid of attack.
“Hey,” he said as he drew near.
Tommy, recognizing his father, cooed happily and leaned forward, reaching out his little hands as he called, “Dada!” T.J. took him in his arms.
“Hey,” Louise answered, wondering how she should react to this visit. She truly didn’t know what she was feeling, except hurt and angry, although some of that had receded as the weeks had gone by.
The conversation between them, however, was forced and stilted.
“How you been?”
“Fine.”
“That’s good.”
An awkward lull ensued as they both concentrated on Tommy for a moment.
“You get my note? And the cash?”
“Yes, I got it.”
They wavered again, looking away uncomfortably.
“Look, uh, can we talk?” T.J. finally asked as he bounced his son in his arms before reaching into his pocket for his keys, which were something little Tommy always loved to play with and jingle. Glancing up at the doorway and spotting Lilly eavesdropping, he added, “Will you take a walk with me?”
Against her better judgment, Louise agreed, and rising from the stoop she brushed off the back of her dress. They strolled together down the street and across another to a small park where she had taken Tommy on occasion. Talking pleasantly as they went along, T.J. said all the right things and was generally the epitome of charm. He told her how he had missed her, how he would never again be untrue to her, that he wanted another chance, and how he couldn’t stand to not be in little Tommy’s life. He promised they would begin doing all of the things she had always wanted, things that were fun. Butter wouldn’t have melted in his mouth he was so smooth and sincere. It reminded her of how he had been toward her in those early days of courting, and it all made Louise’s head spin.
With the combination of his charisma and the fact that Louise had no where else to go, plus an added reason she hadn’t even told her mother, she hesitantly agreed to go back with him to Louisville to attempt to put their marriage back together.
Upon returning to the apartment, however, he began hurrying Louise to pack both hers and Tommy’s possessions, making the excuse that he needed to get back to Louisville quickly. As he stowed their things in the backseat and trunk of the car, Louise was forced to say a quick goodbye to her mother. It saddened her that her father was still at work and she wouldn’t have a chance to bid him or her brother a proper goodbye.
Lilly hugged her daughter tightly, whispering in her ear, “If you’re sure about this…it’s probably for the best…”
Louise nodded stoically, fighting back tears as she allowed her mother to kiss and hug her grandson before turning to respond to T.J.’s urging that they needed to hurry. He barely met his mother-in-law’s eyes as he mumbled a goodbye.
Curiously, once they were on the road, T.J. seemed to retreat into himself and refused to engage in conversation. Louise didn’t know what to make of that. Looking out the window, she contented herself with pointing out interesting things to Tommy, until, as toddlers do, he became bored and hungry and started to fuss.
“Can’t you keep him quiet?” T.J. griped harshly, running a hand back through his hair in sudden agitation.
“He’s hungry. And he’s probably wet, too. You’ve gotta pull over…”
“I ain’t pulling over. I told you, I gotta get back to town. Just shut him up,” he ordered.
Staring at her husband’s sulking profile, Louise asked incredulously, “What’s wrong with you? You come all the way to Bowling Green to ask me to go back with you, and now you start acting like this! If this is the way…”
“I’m sorry,” he cut her short. “I just got a lot on my mind.”
Resentment came bubbling up full force and Louise turned fully toward her husband. They hadn’t yet touched on the subject of what he had done, having merely danced around it. Now, unable to hold back, she blurted, “Why’d you do it, T’? You got any idea what you put me through? What you put Tommy through?”
T.J. had the grace to look ashamed, and he swallowed uncomfortably. “I’m sorry. I just…lost my head, I guess.” He glanced at her and gripped the steering wheel in frustration. “I…I met this dame, she lived down in one of those mansions near the river…she was divorced…one thing led to another…” his story stalled as he met his wife’s angry hazel eyes.
The pieces of the puzzle were starting to fall into place. “A rich lady…so you bought her a diamond and a fur, trying to impress her? What’d she do? Dump you once she found out you’re not rich?”
By the look on his face, she knew she had scored.
“That’s it, isn’t it!” she shouted, causing Tommy to begin to cry. That only made T.J.’s annoyance worse.
“So, you come crawling back to me…why? So you won’t have to pay child support? So you’ll have somebody to cook and sew and wash for you? Lay down for you? Bear more kids for you? So you can keep me ‘barefoot and pregnant’?!”
He looked over at her, seething, all pretense dropped. “People keep telling me to do the ‘right thing’.”
She nodded. “I see,” she commented over Tommy’s cries.
“Shut him up, will ya?” T.J. barked harshly.
“I told you! Pull over so I can change him!”
Angrily, he pulled the car to the side of the two-lane road and waited while she took care of their son’s needs and settled him in the back seat with several of his toys. In the interim, they both calmed down a bit, and as the trip resumed they tried to speak amicably with each other.
Amicably, that is, until he mentioned that they would have to go back to living in the attic of his parent’s rented house since he had given up the apartment and had gotten in trouble over the furniture loan. Louise immediately balked at that idea, not wishing to live under the same roof ever again with the horrible woman who was her mother-in-law.
Ten minutes outside of Louisville, the argument escalated again, with both of them this time screaming insults and accusations at the other, over the frightened squeals of their son.
“Well, you’ve never been much of a husband, always being so stingy with me, and with Tommy! Never taking me dancing or to the movies or anything!” she yelled at T.J., ragingly angry.
He bellowed right back, “Me?! You’ve never been a wife to me, always giving me excuses why you won’t give me what’s rightfully mine!”
“By all rights, I never should have been yours! I was Vic’s girl, and you knew it!” she shrieked recklessly, beyond caring about diplomacy and the fact that in all of their time together, she had never uttered Vic’s name in T.J.’s presence.
“Vic,” he practically spat the name. “What a loser that guy was,” he grunted, which was exactly the wrong thing to say.
Something inside of Louise rose up like a mother bear and her tiny bit of restraint snapped as she screamed in pure frustration. “Vic has more character, better looks, and more strength in his pinky finger than…than you have in your whole body!”
With that, T.J. quickly drew back his right hand as if he would backhand Louise across the mouth. She screeched and turned her face away, raising her arms to protect herself.
Barely stopping in time, he instead reached to grasp hold of the amethyst necklace that was always around his wife’s neck – even in bed. She never took it off, and that fact had mocked him for years.
“Let go!” Louise cried out, clamping onto his hand with both of hers, terrified that he would succeed in breaking the chain and possibly tossing the whole thing out the window of the car.
