The Switchblade Mamma

by Lindsey Schussman

8.

  Clarity was a hard thing to achieve at first. My eyes wide open, and all I could see was white. I thought I had died and now was in heaven. Not such the case. My mouth opened and I took a huge gasping breath. My tongue was dry, my mouth was dry. I needed a drink. Through the constant beeping roaming through the room, pulsating my mind and giving me a headache, I lifted both my arms within eyesight. Both hands with devices attached to them. Both hands had IVs stringing from them. Both hands were incredibly heavy and extremely hard to manage. I looked at my left hand, creating a fist and releasing, creating a fist and releasing. It was stiff, and painful. As soon as my eyes adjusted, I looked closer at my knuckles and saw tiny incision marks along each knuckle. Looking at my right hand, and feeling it, had the same outcome.

  Woozy, I pulled all mechanical equipment and IVs from my arms. It was painful and I winced. The beeping had stopped into a just straight long beep. I pulled the oxygen tube from my nose, and tried the slow strenuous process of raising myself out of bed. The more I gained consciousness and alertness, the more my head began to pound. I placed my right hand over my four head to cover my eyes. It felt strange and bigger than usual; every part of my face that I touched with my hand hurt and burned.

  A little pain was not going to stop me. I pulled the covers from over my legs, and shifted my body so that my legs hung off the bed. Closing my eyes hard and taking deep, deep breaths, I sat on the edge of the bed trying to gain control. I took a moment to look around the room and reflect. It was a simple four walled room. White walls, equipped with hospital bed, medical equipment, sink, two doors, and surprisingly a window. The drapes had been drawn, but the sun managed to peek through a small sliver opening between the two fabric sheets. My eyes had not adjusted yet, but I wanted so desperately to walk to the window to see the outside. I must have been at the hospital. I hoped I was at the hospital.

  In the back of my mind, I wished it had all been a dream. I thought that if I woke up, I would be at home in my apartment and in my bed. I thought the alarm had gone off, and I bolted up stiff worried that I was late for work. I frowned, not such the case. I tried to make it for the window. I used my arms to push me up and get me on my feet. The nausea overtook me and in an instant, and I was on the ground like a ton of bricks. It was like a bomb had gone off inside my body and everything exploded with pain. The straight long beep was consistent and annoying and I had to close my eyes and cover my ears to deal. I opened my mouth and began to yell, and in a flash, the door flew open and she was there by my side?

  Paige was there kneeling down on the floor beside me, her arms enveloping me. "My God, oh my God, the fever broke!" She had me in her lap now. "Come on babe; let's get you back in the bed." With all my strength, and Paige's I tried with all my might to help her, help me get into bed; we succeeded.

  Paige just sat there looking at me and smiling. "I really, really did not think you were going to make it."

  At first, I was very disappointed that I was not actually in a hospital. I had one actual glimpse of hope that I was not really being held captive. My mouth was dry and my throat was stiff but I tried my best to speak. "Well, I hate to disappoint you chica."

  "How do you feel, girl?"

  I winced with pain a little bit, weak but I answered. "I feel like shit."

  "Well," she said. "You'll be in this bed for some time. Dr. Cole will administer the cocktail so that your implants will not corrode... We will go into it a little bit more later on. There is a lot you will need to learn about your new body." It seemed as if she was trying to think of the best way to state it.

  I raised my right hand so that I could run it through my hair. As I reached my fore head and smoothed my hand over my scalp, I was frightened because there was nothing there. It was a spine tingling scare. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and my stomach churned. I my 22 years of life, I've always had a full head of hair. There was no hair just a strange stubbly baldness. My jaw dropped and my eyes grew big and I looked at Paige. "Were the fuck is my hair?"

  She looked at me and winced. There was a small upper hook to her lips which almost formed a smile. "I am so sorry Lillian, but we had to shave your head. If you feel, you will notice that the implants go at least halfway up your skull."

  I took my right hand and went over my head; rubbing back and forth, feeling the bulges protruding from my forehead. "Christ. You truly succeeded into making me the God damn tin Man, didn't you?" I just shook my head.

  She gave me a half smile, and said, "I'm so sorry Lillian. We had to build you like a brick shit house." She moved from her standing position, went to the sink, and pulled a washcloth from off the side. She wetted it and came back to the side of the bed. She took the cloth and started dabbing it on my forehead. "I really think you should get some rest. I do not want that fever to come back. It took me forever to break it."

  I spent days in the bed. I was unhappy, and sad with the fact that I had to piss in a piss pot. I was always extremely irritated, and deeply saddened that it was so difficult for me to do anything for myself. Paige had brought up the MP3 player for me, and some books for me to pass the time. Every time she left out of the flat white door, I always heard a locking sound. I was a prisoner, but at least it was not in the dark dungeon.

  As soon as she left, I would crawl out of bed. I would crawl like a worm to the nearest chair that was in the corner of the room, and with my upper body mustering all the strength that I could, I would slide the chair to the window. This was no easy task, for I had not yet established a good balance with my legs yet, and therefore could not walk on them. I tried my best to balance myself and pull myself up with one hand on the chair, and the other on the windowsill. It was a lot of work, and very strenuous. But in the end the view was quite rewarding. I would sit there for hours at a time gazing out to a landscape blanketed by white snow. Snow was something I had only seen a few times before in my entire lifetime. Despite the circumstances though, I very much enjoyed the scenery. I would watch the skyline often, and watch as the clouds would roll in, or slither. As soon as the sky became blanketed with gray mushy clouds, I would watch patiently, and wait for the snow to fall. When the snow started to fall, my mind and my eyes were so very captivated. If I could only get out there and dance and it; I'd imagine myself, at the windows ledge, jumping. I'd fall like a superhero who had forgotten how to fly. I'd hit the snow, but its soft fluffy whiteness would break my fall. I could not help but smile and watch as nature did its finest.

  Growing up in The Valley of Arizona, I never saw very much snow. I'd driven up north and played in it a few times, but I'd never actually seen the snowfall. I remember in school as a little girl, we would make snowflakes. The snowflakes were always of course made of paper, and always big, but every time I saw the snowfall, I would never see any snowflakes?

  As soon as I became well, and strong enough, Paige would help me out of bed and walk me around the room. My body felt heavier, and it took more effort for me to move my limbs about. My hands felt different as well. I'd rub them together and feel the small tiny implants in my knuckles.

  It was so difficult, for the next couple of weeks; I spent every lasting moment in the room. I was fed three square meals a day, many greens, and a good amount of protein.

  I felt as if I was a lab rat. It was either Paige or Dr. Cole that emerged through the door. Every day I was poked and prodded, had my vitals checked, and was moved around like some sorry stiff manikin. Not once, in the entire time that I stayed in the white room, did I ever lay eyes on either Barrett or Clive. I could hear them though, in the floors beneath, but not once did they show their ugly heads in my beautiful white room. I was perfectly fine with that.

  It had been a struggle but I had gotten through it. I had spent day after day looking out of the window, staring out over the white snowy pastures that soon melted. Dark clouds were still in the sky, and the landscape soon became a muddy mess. Beneath the muddy mess, I could catch a tiny glimpse of the gorgeous green trying to f
ight its way out. Even though I was confined to a climate controlled room, I could feel that spring was in the air.

  Finally, when I was able to control myself and move without assistance, Paige emerged from the flat white door with a set of clothes in her hands. I was sitting on the bed, and she placed them in my lap, sitting down next to me. "Did Dr. Cole come and see you this morning?"

  Examining the clothes and not looking at her I replied, "Yeah, he did stop by for a bit this morning. He did his examination took my temperature in my butt, yada yada yada." I raised the shirt to look at it and slowly turned my head and looked at Paige like a robot, smiling. Besides Paige, Dr. Cole was the only other person that I had contact with for that last couple of months... Or weeks? Paige was in every day, helping me walk, helping me regain my mobility back. Dr. Cole came in daily; he checked my vitals, did his checkup and administered me a shot, once a week. I assumed this shot was the cocktail.

  "Seriously?'

  I smiled back. "Yes, seriously." I put the shirt down to my side, and pulled up the pants. They were boys, size 30 x 30. Sarcastically I said, "Oh honey, how did you know?" I looked the socks, and put them aside, then held up the underwear. "Thank God you got me bikinis lady. You know damn well I don't do that ass floss shit!"

  She couldn't help but smile, and let off a small chuckle. "Well, I'm glad you approve. Based on what you are wearing when you got here, I went down to the local store and tried to pick up some clothes that you would be interested in."

  I looked around a little bit because I noticed that something was missing. "Shoes?"

  "Oh, hang on a bit." She lifted herself up off the bed, and disappeared through the door again. I heard no lock after her departure, and felt I had a moment for escape.

  For some reason I didn't move. I kept my mother's safety in mind, but after all I had been through, I felt that I should follow through and continue with whatever there was to come.

  The door once again opened, and Paige emerged. She had a pair of black shoes with white trim in her hands. She placed them in my lap, and I picked them up and examined them.

  "New Balance, nice!" I quickly unlaced the brand-new shoes, tossed on my socks, and tried on the shoes. I walked all over the room in them. It felt like a strange sick Christmas. The day was bright, and the sun was shining through the window that was in my room. I smiled and looked at Paige. "Thank you."

  Still looking at me, her smile diminished. "You need to put the clothes on." She shifted her head and looked away from me, and continued to speak. "I am so sorry Lillian, but today is the day that you have to go back in."

  I was crushed a bit. I knew exactly what she meant. Though I was confined to a small space, it was bright and comfortable. My smile too had faded. Without hesitation, I took off the shoes and moved them to the corner of the room. I took off my gown, tossed it to the floor and turned back around. I was bare, and besides my panties, I was nude. I was the most modest person on the face of the planet, but at that point I did not care. Bare chested, I looked at Paige; as I reached for my pants, and pulled them up to the bottom of my torso.

  I was not the kind of person that thought I had a perfect body, but I did work out, and I was very proud of some parts of it. You cannot show me one person that does not look at themselves in the mirror at one point in their life. I liked Paige, a lot. The situation was crap, and I knew it. Despite everything that was going on, from the start I knew she was my only way out. Deceit was a hard topic for me to comprehend. Part of me wanted to be truthful to her, and the other part wanted to be deceitful to get the hell out of there. No matter what, I never broke eye contact. Regardless of what my intentions were, everything was ad lib., and when the time came, I trusted myself to know what to do.

  When she brought clothes, she provided me with no bra. I picked up the Dr. Pepper shirt and pulled it over my naked torso. I never left eye contact with her. It was very difficult not wearing a bra. Though my breasts were very small and subtle, it felt extremely uncomfortable.

  I gave her a cheesy smile. "Do me a flavor babe? If you could possibly, in any way possible, please bring me a bra." Motioning with my two hands and pointing at my boobs. "These girls do not like hanging around and dancing."

  Once again I received another laugh from her. "Oh God, I'm so sorry?" She closed her eyes and I saw her smile. "I'm sorry Lillian, I wasn't even thinking?" She got up quickly and opened the door, almost flying out, but quickly stuck her head back in the room and said, "Hang on a sec. You look to be around my size." And with that she left.

  I just stood there. Once again she did forget to lock the door. For some reason I had no urge to break out and run. I stood there in silence waiting for my baby boulder holder.

  The main thing that was plaguing my mind at the time was the dam cocktail. I heard her say that it had to be administered once a week. Dr. Cole came in daily, but once a week he gave me a shot. I could not help but think what would happen if I did not receive the shot.

  It wasn't long after until Paige reemerged from the door again. She came in, with hand bearing a bra.

  She handed it to me and I smiled with pure satisfaction. I turned around this time with my back to her and pulled off my Dr. Pepper T-shirt. Topless and with the bra in my hands, I adjusted it to which I thought was my size. I raised my arms and let the straps fall upon my shoulders. It was an underwire, thank God for that.

  With that, all clothes were in place. I was healed for the most part, and in my mind, the new Terminator. I did not know the extent of my new abilities, or what was at all possible. All I knew, was I would have to take care of my new body.

  Paige looked at me up and down, and said, "Okay girl? It is time for phase 2 of your transformation." She walked up to me, raised both her hands and slid them slowly up my cheekbones. She was so close to my face, our noses almost touched. She hovered over them, and slowly maneuvered her lips to my ear and said, "I am so sorry for this." Her hands left my cheekbones, and her quivering voice left my ears. She disappeared out of the flat white door.

  I took two guesses of what I thought she would drag back in, and I was right. My heart broke as soon as I saw what was in her hands. It was the god damn head bag and the bloody chains again. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as she slid the bag over my head. Once again darkness had ensued. Deeply saddened, I lowered my head and raised my arms in front of me like a zombie. I felt the coldness of steel encircle my wrists. My wrists felt heavy as the chains weighed them down. Like an obedient dog, I was led out of my room. A room I had so grown accustomed to. A room that I had so simply enjoyed staring out of the window. A room, I could so comfortably live in for the rest of my life if I knew I did not have to go back into the dungeon.

  It was a short trip downstairs, through the house, and back out the door. As the door opened, I was greeted with a sunny warmth, the sounds of birds chirping, and the smell of cool crisp clean air. As I was being led back into my hole, I took a deep breath, inhaling any and all beauty that I could. I slowed my step as I felt the sun's warmth on my back. By the feel of it, the time had to have been noon.

  We stopped as Paige opened the barn door. I paused for a moment as I felt the presence of life in the barn. I could smell animals. I heard the rustling of hooves, and knew that horses now inhabited the barn. I smiled as I thought I had new company.

  Paige tugged and I obeyed. We finally reached our destination, the drab wooden flap that would lead me down into my dungeon. The flap opened, and I finally descended once again, down the creaking, old, decrepit staircase, that led me into the one room on the face of the planet that I never ever wanted to be.

  I stood and waited while Paige tethered me to the room. The black bag was lifted from my head once again, I could see. The wooden bench that was my bed had the comforter neatly folded and laying upon it. Next to the bed lying on the floor and also neatly folded was the original clothing that I had worn on my way in. My Doc Marten boots were lying next to my stack of clothes.

  "
Lillian." Her tone was soft and subtle, but demanding, just a pinch. Minding the chains, I turned to look at Paige. "This is your last step before your training. And I assure you, your training will be no walk in the park. Take this time to reflect."

  Paige walked closer to me and pulled the MP3 player out of her pocket. She lifted up my left hand with her soft delicate hands, she placed the player into my palm. She took my fingers and she closed them over the MP3 player. "I loaded more songs on to this for you. I've seen in these past months how music gets you by." She took both her hands and brushed them against my cheekbones.

  My body shuddered at her touch. I became weak and nervous. I tried very hard to hold it in, but it was almost impossible. She stared into my eyes, and I was entrapped. I could almost see the world in the irises of her eyes. "I must leave you now, Lillian. Rest up tonight, for tomorrow your training will begin."